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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My H who had/is having an affair with his married co-worker, will get served with divorce papers this week. It has been 8 weeks since we separated. He told me his affair had been going on since Oct. of 2012. We both mutually agreed for him to move out. Dday was Dec. 8 and he was moved out on by Dec. 12. Him and I have had little to no contact. I have done my best, to pretend like this isn't effecting me, to him, his family and any mutual friends we have. I am certain that I do not want to reconcile, and filed for divorce so I was hoping that having him served with divorce papers would empower me, give me my dignity and respect back. But lately I feel worse. I mean come on its been 8 weeks. He has had no contact with my daughter who he has been her seragent dad for 5 1/2 years. However, Sunday he texted her to take her to dinner for her grades. She told him no...she isn't forgiving him and was proud I filed. And I am annoyed he can abandon us and then 8 weeks later text her like "all is forgiven". We were together 3 1/2 years before we got married. And it's sad that my marriage is ending after 18 months. I know I am making the right decision, whether my heart wants to accept it or not. I mean he had a physical affair, lied to my daughter and I for almost 2 months before he was caught. Has anyone else filed after a few months and feel good about their decision?
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My DDay was in November. I filed in December. D is final on Vday.

I do feel good about filing. It all still hurts like crazy some times though. But I am making the right decision for me and my daughter.

How do I know that?

I will not share a wife.
I will not rugsweep.
I deserve better treatment.
 

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Kaya
You've been hurting for months as has your daughter. You will contine to hurt, but less and less as time goes by. The sting of betrayal will fade to a dull but managable ache that won't always persist.

Stay active, do things with your daughter. In time, if he has any sort of conscience, he will come to regret his shameful and cowardly deeds. You will get through this.

Be sure you see your doctor for possible, and understandable depression. Your daughter needs a fit and healthy mom. She deserves ONE sane parent in her life.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
My WW actually filed.. I was in shock, but after I got over it, I actually pushed up the date several months. As soon as she moved out, I said I was done and then rammed the divorce through. I am glad I did not have to wait for the legal system to slowly grind my life out.
In Utah they have a mandatory 90 day waiting period, on top of the motions of waiting for him to respond blah blah blah. I do not care about waiting 90 days (the court clerk told me you have to have a GREAT reason to get the judge to move it through faster. So as long as he signs, doesn't contest anything, I am hoping to be divorced by May. If he would like to come up with a reason to move it a long faster, then more power to him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Kaya
You've been hurting for months as has your daughter. You will contine to hurt, but less and less as time goes by. The sting of betrayal will fade to a dull but managable ache that won't always persist.

Stay active, do things with your daughter. In time, if he has any sort of conscience, he will come to regret his shameful and cowardly deeds. You will get through this.

Be sure you see your doctor for possible, and understandable depression. Your daughter needs a fit and healthy mom. She deserves ONE sane parent in her life.
You always have the best advice...It is weird, when I sit and think of "how he did me wrong", I feel empowered. I do not know if I care anymore to hear that he regrets anything. This is 100% his bag to carry and if he wants to blame shift, live in denial, thinking his actions did not cause anyone pain or anything to that gist, it is okay with me. I am depressed, but it is not as bad as it was 1 month ago...but yes, I am on an emotional rollercoaster ride. My daughter seems to be okay with cutting all ties with him. She was proud of me for filing. And she absolutely doesn't want him in her life. She is very strong for a young teenager.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
My DDay was in November. I filed in December. D is final on Vday.

I do feel good about filing. It all still hurts like crazy some times though. But I am making the right decision for me and my daughter.

How do I know that?

I will not share a wife.
I will not rugsweep.
I deserve better treatment.
That is exactly how I feel...I just throw a pity party for myself every once and awhile. :D
 
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Kaya, In Maryland... it is a year... My wife had an EA or possibly PA with one neighbor starting in Sept... I just changed my date to reflect that was the last time we were together so it pushed up my D 6 months...

The slow grind of the legal system was torturous... Once she moved out and was banging my one neighbor I was done and just wanted out....

Funny thing is the witness at my D hearing is my other neighbor... My EX dropped her AP for the other neighbor... How screwed up is that?
 

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Nuttin wrong with pity parties. You should plan one every ten or so days. Buy a big bag of popcorn, a 1 liter bottle of Big Red, rent a good flick, pitttttyyy partay!

When the flick is done. Party's ova. Hit the gym to work off the popcorn. The Big Red has all the caffiene you need to keep you working out for at least an hour!

By the way, you've raised quite a teen. I'd be very proud of that young lady. You'll always have her admiration for the strength you've shown (even if you haven't felt strong). Also, you've shown her not to accept disrespect in relationships. You're both winners.
 

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I should have filed as soon as I found out. I knew I could never stay with a cheater, even if we have 4 kids together. He said he wanted to R, but his actions proved otherwise. I filed about a year after DDay then postponed it for a few months. :confused: Now we are going through the process.

I have good days and bad days. Yesterday was a really bad day, pretty much cried all night long, and my eyes were so swollen this morning and are still sore. I have a great family support system, and they get me back on track. They remind me of the type of life I would have with him if I stayed with a serial cheater.
 

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You did good!!! This move will make you feel more empowered. He is not calling the shots, you are.
 

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I think it's normal to still grieve over a marriage.

My first husband was a physically and mentally abusive jerk. I still cried the day our divorce was final.

I wasn't crying because I lost him. I was crying over the marriage that wasn't (if that makes sense).
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Kaya, In Maryland... it is a year... My wife had an EA or possibly PA with one neighbor starting in Sept... I just changed my date to reflect that was the last time we were together so it pushed up my D 6 months...

The slow grind of the legal system was torturous... Once she moved out and was banging my one neighbor I was done and just wanted out....

Funny thing is the witness at my D hearing is my other neighbor... My EX dropped her AP for the other neighbor... How screwed up is that?
Wow! That is going to be very awkward. Was he the same ex that saw you and ran back into the house? Wow! is she going through a mid-life crisis of some sorts? I find that to be awful and probably embarrassing and you and your children. Does she not have any shame? Yeah, after a month or so the PA with his married co-worker makes me sick and makes me want out too! I am glad we realized this so early into DDay, instead of trying to make them stay. You give me a lot of inspiring advice and I appreciate it! Are you going to have a "YAY I AM DIVORCED LETS CELEBRATE PARTY"?
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I think it's normal to still grieve over a marriage.

My first husband was a physically and mentally abusive jerk. I still cried the day our divorce was final.

I wasn't crying because I lost him. I was crying over the marriage that wasn't (if that makes sense).
I have read that it hard for both parties. My stbxh is a pro at divorce, seeing this will be his 3 divorce. Even though before our marriage, he had not been married in 10 years...but yeah, I agree. I am sorry you endured a physically and mentally abusive *******. Yes, I understand crying over the marriage that could've been and never became. Thank you for replying.:)
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
You did good!!! This move will make you feel more empowered. He is not calling the shots, you are.
Why thank you! I am starting to feel better after reading all your encouraging comments :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Nuttin wrong with pity parties. You should plan one every ten or so days. Buy a big bag of popcorn, a 1 liter bottle of Big Red, rent a good flick, pitttttyyy partay!

When the flick is done. Party's ova. Hit the gym to work off the popcorn. The Big Red has all the caffiene you need to keep you working out for at least an hour!

By the way, you've raised quite a teen. I'd be very proud of that young lady. You'll always have her admiration for the strength you've shown (even if you haven't felt strong). Also, you've shown her not to accept disrespect in relationships. You're both winners.
Haha! Yes I throw some pretty AWESOME pity parties. And that sounds like some sound advice, especially since I am a fan of popcorn, movies and big red. And My daughter is AWESOME! She is very wise beyond her years. She does great in school, has goals, never gets in trouble and has been my rock since this all happened. Without my parents, daughter, friends and of course all of you on TAM, I would be a blubbering mess falling apart at the seems. And my daughter deserves the best in life and I do not want ever want her to make the same mistakes I have...so I think I did both of us a service, by divorce SOB STBXH and allowing him to know what he did was not okay and we will be fine without him :) Thanks again you are awesome!:)
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I should have filed as soon as I found out. I knew I could never stay with a cheater, even if we have 4 kids together. He said he wanted to R, but his actions proved otherwise. I filed about a year after DDay then postponed it for a few months. :confused: Now we are going through the process.

I have good days and bad days. Yesterday was a really bad day, pretty much cried all night long, and my eyes were so swollen this morning and are still sore. I have a great family support system, and they get me back on track. They remind me of the type of life I would have with him if I stayed with a serial cheater.
The important thing is you are doing now. And if I remember your story, was your POSXH the one who had an affair with an 18 year old? I cried all day yesterday too! I think no matter how strong we feel, we will always have bad days. So cry my dear. I too have a great family, daughter and group of friends that have been awesome! I have even had some of his friends reach out to me, to see how I am doing...so yeah BETTER DAYS TO ALL OF US!
 

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Congrats Kaya on losing all that dead weight. I know it's difficult now but you are going to be fine. Nothing wrong with a pity party or two, but maybe the next party can be a celebration for embarking on a better life.
 

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Congrats Kaya on losing all that dead weight. I know it's difficult now but you are going to be fine. Nothing wrong with a pity party or two, but maybe the next party can be a celebration for embarking on a better life.
Great idea. You can celebrate the discovery of the strength that was always within you and manifested itself when you needed it most. If you can get through this trauma - lookout world!
 
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