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Not to be a negative Nancy but I too am crazy and controlling about money. I am living my life as if I have to depend on myself only.

Does your husband think you are bad with money?

You guys are in retirement now?

I鈥檓 assuming you guys are around 65ish. And if $350,000 is all you guys have for retirement I too would be living frugally.
 

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In my experience, people unmindfully control for two reasons... fear (insecurity) or power (desire).

Just for comparison, "safety" is a mindful way control is used.

I don't see mindful in any of this...

When the unmindful happens, begin defusing it with:

I'm sorry you feel that way...

I see things differently...

and if you need a hard halt:

I鈥檓 not okay with x.

There are emerging boundaries that will allow you a foothold that give room to process the situation around you and allow you to kindly say "I disagree with your behavior", especially where your value as a person may be placed below mammon.

This may create hard questions... "am I placed below these material things?" that would not hurt him to hear but you know that actions and not words will provide you the answers.

Love yourself more...
 

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I think that it鈥檚 hard for me to comment because we are missing the other side.

But it unfortunately sounds like the OP is a giver, and she gave her whole life and took care of everyone else before herself. She probably didn鈥檛 save for retirement, and had a different expectation Of her life post retirement.
Still today she is putting other people鈥檚 needs above hers.
Her husband is not as nice as she is. He is not as charitable as she is. Givers seem to marry takers and it鈥檚 not fair for the givers.

This whole thing saddens me.
 

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Discussion Starter #25
So is the $350,000 in investments all he has for retirement?
Do you have any money saved for retirement?
Hello. I also have a retirement nest egg which took huge hits during the last year. My daughter and son-in-law separated just over one year ago, and her and our three Grandchildren moved into a rental house. My Husband wasn't really willing to help our Daughter and Grandkids out by coming up with any money, so I paid first and last rent payment, paid an overdue electric bill, bought Daughter's car ($20,000) when it got repossessed for lack of payment (our Grandkids had to help my Daughter remove personal items from the car while very mean looking men waited to tow the car away. It was awful.)

I bought beds, couch, etc., because she left with only her bed that she paid for. Her ex was unwilling to let her leave with much and she couldn't afford an attorney. Reason Daughter left son-in-law was he wouldn't work full time, no intimacy to where they had a platonic relationship for quite some time. Son-in-law was just "using" our Daughter as a meal ticket and that hurt her so much she finally broke off from him.

So, before leaving her husband, she had been paying for all their health ins., all the car insurance, all of the cell phone bill, and most of the remaining bills. Daughter continued to pay for son-in-law's cell phone, monthly health and dental insurance, car insurance for the next year of their separation, with barely any help from her ex, to the point that she was "putting out fires." Unfortunately, the minimal payments on her car got the better of her. I am saying all of this in answer to your question because it does relate to me. Years ago, I had a counselor tell me that my passive, door-mat type behavior was going to affect how my children related to the people in their lives. Counselor said our Daughter would probably be like me if I didn't make changes in my life by being assertive, taking care of myself, and ultimately leaving my Husband. Well, Counselor's words came true. However, our Daughter LEFT her Husband and I made sure to help her financially so she could leave him. Sorry this was so long.
 

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Hello. I also have a retirement nest egg which took huge hits during the last year. My daughter and son-in-law separated just over one year ago, and her and our three Grandchildren moved into a rental house. My Husband wasn't really willing to help our Daughter and Grandkids out by coming up with any money, so I paid first and last rent payment, paid an overdue electric bill, bought Daughter's car ($20,000) when it got repossessed for lack of payment (our Grandkids had to help my Daughter remove personal items from the car while very mean looking men waited to tow the car away. It was awful.)

I bought beds, couch, etc., because she left with only her bed that she paid for. Her ex was unwilling to let her leave with much and she couldn't afford an attorney. Reason Daughter left son-in-law was he wouldn't work full time, no intimacy to where they had a platonic relationship for quite some time. Son-in-law was just "using" our Daughter as a meal ticket and that hurt her so much she finally broke off from him.

So, before leaving her husband, she had been paying for all their health ins., all the car insurance, all of the cell phone bill, and most of the remaining bills. Daughter continued to pay for son-in-law's cell phone, monthly health and dental insurance, car insurance for the next year of their separation, with barely any help from her ex, to the point that she was "putting out fires." Unfortunately, the minimal payments on her car got the better of her. I am saying all of this in answer to your question because it does relate to me. Years ago, I had a counselor tell me that my passive, door-mat type behavior was going to affect how my children related to the people in their lives. Counselor said our Daughter would probably be like me if I didn't make changes in my life by being assertive, taking care of myself, and ultimately leaving my Husband. Well, Counselor's words came true. However, our Daughter LEFT her Husband and I made sure to help her financially so she could leave him. Sorry this was so long.
Yup, you daughter learned well from you sorry to say. First, I CANNOT believe that your H would not help his own daughter out! What was his reasoning at that time? One thing I CAN tell you, you now know it's not something about YOU particularly that your H acts this way -- he is miserable to his own D so you can be sure this is 100% HIM (so if you are doubting yourself, DON'T, OK?). Good Lord -- I can't fathom the mindset of someone like this (and yes, I know other people like this and still cannot understand how someone can be so awful to people they are supposed to love).

I hope that your D at least gets some sort of child support for all this -- she needs to protect her kids financially, and while she may not have funds for a lawyer, take a loan, or do SOMETHING to protect herself (you may need this also!!)
 

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I would be interested in finding out his reason for suddenly wanting you to cover this expense (health insurance). Have his expenses increased and if so why.

Does he gamble, drink, loan money to buddies etc.

Could picking a fight have been an excuse for him to head for the hills 4 hours away and what is so attractive about that cabin (other than it is remote)?

OK, I 've danced around it for long enough - is it possible he has a girlfriend? It takes money to wine and dine women (he has the motel covered).
 

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...Only bring in xxxx amount per month. Are you serious! People here would give their left arms for love and dedication with a time stamp of over 40 years. Hell, They would offer a kidney for half that time. You are a beautiful person and need to be cherished as such. Marriage is between two people working together. Not one king, and the rest surfs to be slaving for HIS happiness. Crap.
 

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Thank you so much sunsetmist. I appreciate what you are saying. Yes, God does not want me to suffer abuse of any type. I am so thankful He is truly the one in control of my life. I have had to stand up for myself more and more throughout the years. I am much stronger than I used to be. However, 40+ year marriage with a controlling spouse is still together. For the most part, my marriage is much better than it used to be when I was a literal mat for my husband to stomp on, though, as you know, my husband threw me a very hard curve ball. It will be interesting to see how we make it through this pandemic. I believe the virus is strengthening the healthy relationships, and possibly really testing the unhealthy ones. The fallout will be interesting to say the least! Again, thank you for sharing with me.
OP,

Sorry you're going through this.

He sounds like and acts like an ass.

Tragically the best advice is to contact a lawyer, divorce him. I'm never this quick to agree to a D being needed.

But, with the info I've read it's been a long time coming. If he's acting so badly now, he can't be trusted in any serious hardships.

I can hardly believe how badly he's historically acted, and continues horribly.

As your H, he shouldn't be able to live with the things he's doing.

It does show you, you need to D, and take half the family assets.

The assets aren't all "his".

Reach out to some of your legal friends, get a lawyer.

Best wishes
 

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@yougogirl - I'll just respond to this from the Christian perspective, which is a husband is to love his wife as Christ loves the church. Your husband neither exemplifies or demonstrates such traits. To me, that seems it would be grounds to at least separate from him. And, if you do decide to separate, be sure you take half of what is legally yours before you walk. JMO.
 

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OK, I 've danced around it for long enough - is it possible he has a girlfriend? It takes money to wine and dine women (he has the motel covered).
I bet he鈥檚 had girlfriends from day one all forty years.




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Amid this CO-VID 19 pandemic, my husband did not want to pay for my health insurance.
My insurance is about $223 per month (I have a huge out-of-pocket if I ever need surgery, etc.).
I stopped my dental insurance to help us save money.
My husband basically informed me that he wants me to pay for my health insurance.
My husband has over $350,000 in investments.
We have a rental house that pays him (not me) $1,200 per month.
Unfortunately, I only make $1,100 per month on Social Security.
We have been married for over 42 years, and for most of our marriage
I had his health insurance deducted from my check,
as well as our two kids' health insurance was also deducted,
every month throughout my working life as a legal secretary.

I made sure we (including our two kids) had the best dental and health insurance I could afford.
While working for over 30 years as a legal assistant/secretary, I also paid for all our bills
minus car insurance and homeowner's insurance.
So I pretty much paid for most of the bills every month.
Since retirement, I can only afford all of the food and my gas.
We have three Grandchildren, and I am pretty active in their lives.
I buy most of their clothes. I usually buy the best I can find second hand,
wash and iron it to make it look like new.

I paid for my husband's health insurance which greatly helped us
when my husband thought he was having a heart attack.
At that time, I took him to the Emergency Room at our local hospital
and spent the night in a chair wanting to be close to him just in case he needed me, etc.
It turned out he wasn't having a heart attack which was good to hear.
I do all the cooking and most of the cleaning. What my Husband was bickering over is our adult Son's $525 monthly rental payment that he gives to my husband (our Son is currently living with us).
I am allowed $200 per month from that money
(I was donating plasma to make more money because I was so broke all of the time.
My husband urged me to stop donating saying he would pay
what the plasma place was paying (I made over $300 per month).

Once I stopped the plasma donation, he immediately began arguing with me about the monthly amount he agreed to.

He can be a very selfish person.
He has taken off in his truck in a huff.

We are both senior citizens.
It is a possibility that one of us, or most likely both of us,
could catch the virus and possibly die from it.

I went for a walk and prayed to God which did help me.
Anyway, I just wanted to vent a bit.
Thanks for listening.
OMG!!!
If I was you I would stop doing anything for him at all.
Let him make his own food, do his own laundry.
Go on strike.
Best thing: Deny him any kiss, cuddling, hugs and sex.
Go cold as ice on him.
Let him freeze.
When he begs, be firm and cold.
"Do it yourself, you're a grown man"
 

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Divorce him. You鈥檇 get half of investments, half of that rental, pretty much half of everything. You鈥檒l be all set and in a much better shape than you are now


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