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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited by Moderator)
Amid this CO-VID 19 pandemic, my husband did not want to pay for my health insurance. My insurance is about $223 per month (I have a huge out-of-pocket if I ever need surgery, etc.). I stopped my dental insurance to help us save money. My husband basically informed me that he wants me to pay for my health insurance. My husband has over $350,000 in investments. We have a rental house that pays him (not me) $1,200 per month. Unfortunately, I only make $1,100 per month on Social Security. We have been married for over 42 years, and for most of our marriage I had his health insurance deducted from my check, as well as our two kids' health insurance was also deducted, every month throughout my working life as a legal secretary.

I made sure we (including our two kids) had the best dental and health insurance I could afford. While working for over 30 years as a legal assistant/secretary, I also paid for all our bills minus car insurance and homeowner's insurance. So I pretty much paid for most of the bills every month. Since retirement, I can only afford all of the food and my gas. We have three Grandchildren, and I am pretty active in their lives. I buy most of their clothes. I usually buy the best I can find second hand, wash and iron it to make it look like new. I either make their coats (I'm a die-hard seamstress) or buy their coats from retail stores. I take them out to lunch or a snack about once a week so we can spend some time together. However, now I can't be in close proximity to them because of the virus and I really miss them.

I paid for my husband's health insurance which greatly helped us when my husband thought he was having a heart attack. At that time, I took him to the Emergency Room at our local hospital and spent the night in a chair wanting to be close to him just in case he needed me, etc. It turned out he wasn't having a heart attack which was good to hear. I do all the cooking and most of the cleaning. What my Husband was bickering over is our adult Son's $525 monthly rental payment that he gives to my husband (our Son is currently living with us). I am allowed $200 per month from that money (I was donating plasma to make more money because I was so broke all of the time. My husband urged me to stop donating saying he would pay what the plasma place was paying (I made over $300 per month).

Once I stopped the plasma donation, he immediately began arguing with me about the monthly amount he agreed to. As of today, I was getting $200 per month from my Son's rent payment. That $200 per month is what he has a beef about. I will stop boring everyone by going on and on. I just wanted to tell someone about this latest event because, basically, what he did this morning sucked. He can be a very selfish person. I am no angel, but I wouldn't treat anyone with such a lack of consideration or concern for their welfare. We are not talking now as I took less then a minute to remind him about my paying for his health insurance throughout the years. He has taken off in his truck in a huff. You would think during this time of this blasted pandemic, people would draw closer together (if not physically, then definitely in their hearts).

That people would appreciate their loved ones even more right now and would want to show them that. We are both senior citizens. It is a possibility that one of us, or most likely both of us, could catch the virus and possibly die from it. I went for a walk and prayed to God which did help me. Anyway, I just wanted to vent a bit. Thanks for listening.
 

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Well that sucks big time. If I did all you did for that many years and show such selfishness I would be upset, too.

My other half walked out on me over 3 weeks ago during all this. Basically started a fight over something small. Been completely alone since. Everyone I know lives too far. Just me and my dog.
 

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Have you considered divorcing your husband? If you were to divorce him, you would get about 50% of all assets, even those that for some reason he thinks belong to only him. He'd most likely have to pay you alimony as well.

It would certainly wake him up to the reality, that you have a lot more power in this relationship than you are exercising.
 

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Amid this CO-VID 19 pandemic, my husband did not want to pay for my health insurance. My insurance is about $223 per month (I have a huge out-of-pocket if I ever need surgery, etc.). I stopped my dental insurance to help us save money. My husband basically informed me that he wants me to pay for my health insurance. My husband has over $350,000 in investments. We have a rental house that pays him (not me) $1,200 per month. Unfortunately, I only make $1,100 per month on Social Security. We have been married for over 42 years, and for most of our marriage I had his health insurance deducted from my check, as well as our two kids' health insurance was also deducted, every month throughout my working life as a legal secretary.

I made sure we (including our two kids) had the best dental and health insurance I could afford. While working for over 30 years as a legal assistant/secretary, I also paid for all our bills minus car insurance and homeowner's insurance. So I pretty much paid for most of the bills every month. Since retirement, I can only afford all of the food and my gas. We have three Grandchildren, and I am pretty active in their lives. I buy most of their clothes. I usually buy the best I can find second hand, wash and iron it to make it look like new. I either make their coats (I'm a die-hard seamstress) or buy their coats from retail stores. I take them out to lunch or a snack about once a week so we can spend some time together. However, now I can't be in close proximity to them because of the virus and I really miss them.

I paid for my husband's health insurance which greatly helped us when my husband thought he was having a heart attack. At that time, I took him to the Emergency Room at our local hospital and spent the night in a chair wanting to be close to him just in case he needed me, etc. It turned out he wasn't having a heart attack which was good to hear. I do all the cooking and most of the cleaning. What my Husband was bickering over is our adult Son's $525 monthly rental payment that he gives to my husband (our Son is currently living with us). I am allowed $200 per month from that money (I was donating plasma to make more money because I was so broke all of the time. My husband urged me to stop donating saying he would pay what the plasma place was paying (I made over $300 per month).

Once I stopped the plasma donation, he immediately began arguing with me about the monthly amount he agreed to. As of today, I was getting $200 per month from my Son's rent payment. That $200 per month is what he has a beef about. I will stop boring everyone by going on and on. I just wanted to tell someone about this latest event because, basically, what he did this morning sucked. He can be a very selfish person. I am no angel, but I wouldn't treat anyone with such a lack of consideration or concern for their welfare. We are not talking now as I took less then a minute to remind him about my paying for his health insurance throughout the years. He has taken off in his truck in a huff. You would think during this time of this blasted pandemic, people would draw closer together (if not physically, then definitely in their hearts).

That people would appreciate their loved ones even more right now and would want to show them that. We are both senior citizens. It is a possibility that one of us, or most likely both of us, could catch the virus and possibly die from it. I went for a walk and prayed to God which did help me. Anyway, I just wanted to vent a bit. Thanks for listening.
Divorce him and sue for alimony. It will be more than $200 / month.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Thank you so much for your replies, JMarie and EleGirl. It really helps to have some confirmation that what my husband did was just wrong. I'm sorry, JMarie, that your husband left, and that he left at this time in your life. Sometimes our pets give us more emotional support than our spouses. What kind of dog do you have? I'm in Oregon. What state do you live in?

EleGirll, my husband and I have been on the brink of divorce at least ten times throughout the years. I have been in counselling during most of those years. We have been in couples counselling three times. It is so true that a person can only change how they react, and they can't even one iota change someone else. My husband took off to our cabin that is 4 hours away. When I was walking and praying, I told God that I wished I could go to our little cabin, justifying it by saying I can't see my grand kids anyway, I could hole away there for awhile and my husband and I could have a break from one another. Then the thought came to me "You would want to be at home in case someone needs you. If someone needed you, and you were many miles away, you would feel horrible if something tragic happened to them. I decided then I was not going to our cabin. As soon as I got home from my walk, my husband told me he wanted to go to our cabin -- problem solved. We both get a break from each other and I can still be here if someone needs me. I asked my husband to please text me to let me know he got there safely. Our cabin is located in a somewhat isolated area so not a lot of contact with people there (though we have neighbors across the street and right next door to our cabin). I feel God answered my prayers in His own incredible way. Thank you for your responses, JMarie and EleGirl. :)
 

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I never go into such detail, but here it is: It is really painful when a spouse is deliberately hateful and even moreso when it is a time of special need. Glad you have a strong bond with kids and grandkids. Do you have transportation of your own? Save a little money if you can and start preparing. I was probably close to your age.

My now ex cancelled insurance, moved finances into his mother's name, hid money/stock, rewrote his will, and essentially said I was a burden in many ways. During much of the marriage, I ignored his blatant and narcissistic disrespect. I considered marriage a covenant with God.

Then in a time when I was injured, he left me without heat, electricity, survival necessities and went elsewhere to stay during a horrible storm. He refused to fix my transportation when it became unsafe. He cut off finances little by little. He had done every thing he could to crush my spirit. But I woke up after I started to realize how much he would have to hate me to treat me in this manner. I had been unaware there was such a thing as emotional abuse.

You know what? I was to blame for allowing him to gradually change our marriage into a despot/slave relationship. God does not want anyone to be abused, not anyone. It takes courage--I filed for divorce. He started scrambling even though what he had really been doing was trying to get me to leave. 'Twas a long two years, but I had never felt better. My kids were and are proud of me--my friends too. Today, I am still becoming the person God meant for me to be. I am able to relate here because of the insight I gained studying and trying to figure out what to do. Sorry for the long rant, but I try to make lemonade out of lemons.

Only you can decide what to do. My ex was and still is livid when the judge awarded me much more than expected because he did not ever want me to have to interact with ex. Higher courts upheld the decision. God is in control. Hugs.
 

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Thank you so much sunsetmist. I appreciate what you are saying. Yes, God does not want me to suffer abuse of any type. I am so thankful He is truly the one in control of my life. I have had to stand up for myself more and more throughout the years. I am much stronger than I used to be. However, 40+ year marriage with a controlling spouse is still together. For the most part, my marriage is much better than it used to be when I was a literal mat for my husband to stomp on, though, as you know, my husband threw me a very hard curve ball. It will be interesting to see how we make it through this pandemic. I believe the virus is strengthening the healthy relationships, and possibly really testing the unhealthy ones. The fallout will be interesting to say the least! Again, thank you for sharing with me.
 

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Yougogirl, question; If YOU both own the rental property, why does all the money go to HIM?? You both should be sharing in that income. Sounds like you both keep all of your accounts separate? I hope he realizes that if you divorce him that $350k investments -- HALF goes to you!!! HALF of the rental house property sale goes to YOU, etc... He is a cheapskate.
 

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Thank you so much sunsetmist. I appreciate what you are saying. Yes, God does not want me to suffer abuse of any type. I am so thankful He is truly the one in control of my life. I have had to stand up for myself more and more throughout the years. I am much stronger than I used to be. However, 40+ year marriage with a controlling spouse is still together. For the most part, my marriage is much better than it used to be when I was a literal mat for my husband to stomp on, though, as you know, my husband threw me a very hard curve ball. It will be interesting to see how we make it through this pandemic. I believe the virus is strengthening the healthy relationships, and possibly really testing the unhealthy ones. The fallout will be interesting to say the least! Again, thank you for sharing with me.
Sunsetmist: I forgot to say, I'm so sorry you have suffered so much at the hands of your ex. He was very cold and heartless to you. I totally understand feeling at the mercy of your spouse, especially financially, in a marriage. I too have taken a long, constant beating up of my spirit. I can say even today that my spouse and I love each other, though he is controlling and I believe narcissistic. He has put up with me in many ways as well. I came from a severely abusive family background which has affected how I am with intimacy. I have felt my marriage was worth fighting for, that God hates divorce, etc. Here I am again, though, finding myself tired of the long fight.
 

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Yougogirl, question; If YOU both own the rental property, why does all the money go to HIM?? You both should be sharing in that income. Sounds like you both keep all of your accounts separate? I hope he realizes that if you divorce him that $350k investments -- HALF goes to you!!! HALF of the rental house property sale goes to YOU, etc... He is a cheapskate.
Thank you jlg07. I hear what you are saying. Right from the get go of our marriage, I let my husband take the reins financially. I believe that probably is never a good idea for either spouse to do in a marriage. I thought questioning him about anything was a criticism of his character because that is how he made me feel when I would even try to question something. I do see that I allowed him to take control. I am a pleaser by nature, and he took full advantage of that. Thank you for sharing.
 

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So, allowing him to "take care" of the finances does not mean that YOU don't have access to them! Just because my wife writes the checks for the bills doesn't mean I don't have access to our $$$. She is a SAHM -- doesn't mean SHE doesn't have access to the $$. YOU should have joint access to these funds. If not, you need to see about changing that. Questions mean YOU want to understand something -- doesn't mean you are questioning HIS character or capabilities. You SHOULD understand the state of your finances, where your funds are kept, current balances, etc. You will need to know this info anyway if you decide to talk with a lawyer (TALKING to one doesn't mean you have to divorce but getting a plan together in CASE you decide that may help you clarify your decisions).
 

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It's cheaper to feed one than two. Take the money you would spend on food for him and pay for your insurance. Stop doing his laundry. Have your son write two checks - 1/2 to you and 1/2 to your husband. Consult with an attorney just to get your facts straight about asset division and any support monies.
 

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It's cheaper to feed one than two. Take the money you would spend on food for him and pay for your insurance. Stop doing his laundry. Have your son write two checks - 1/2 to you and 1/2 to your husband. Consult with an attorney just to get your facts straight about asset division and any support monies.
Thank you. I appreciate your sharing and your reply is food for thought. Husband's and my name are on most of our accounts. He feels threatened if I verbalize that I want half of something though. He is used to me not asking for half. Husband has left for our cabin that's 4 hours away. Maybe he will take a personal inventory on what is truly important in is life at this critical time in not just our Country, but in our world.
 

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He feels threatened if I verbalize that I want half of something though.
So what if he feels "threatened." The law is the law, and after a long-term marriage, you are basically entitled to half the assets. Joint accounts? Then half of what is in those accounts is yours. Seriously, this is where you need to stand up for yourself.

Your husband is financially manipulating you and you are allowing it. Uh, no. Just. No. You can remain a victim of his abuse, or you can realize that BY LAW you have every right to your share of the finances. Like I said, let him feel "threatened." That's HIS problem - do NOT make it yours.
 

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Please do not live the rest of your life like this... where the love of money is placed ahead of any love for you.

There is a far better life out there... wake it up.
Thank you E.B. for your words of wisdom. I have a lot to think and pray
So what if he feels "threatened." The law is the law, and after a long-term marriage, you are basically entitled to half the assets. Joint accounts? Then half of what is in those accounts is yours. Seriously, this is where you need to stand up for yourself.

Your husband is financially manipulating you and you are allowing it. Uh, no. Just. No. You can remain a victim of his abuse, or you can realize that BY LAW you have every right to your share of the finances. Like I said, let him feel "threatened." That's HIS problem - do NOT make it yours.
Hi Prodigal. Yes, I have accused him of manipulating me just recently. Husband does not understand how controlling he is. Coming back from our cabin a couple days ago, I was calling a pizza into Pappa Murphy's by our main home and Husband got all over me instructing me how I should order a pizza. I told him I did just fine, and that he really makes a fool out of himself sometimes when he feels the urge to correct me and messes up in the process. If you are like me, sometimes I wonder why people act the way they do. What caused them to be that way. My husband's Father left him and his Mother when he was 14 ys old. His Father would often not show up for a scheduled visit. His Mother got so offended early on after the divorce by the way she and their Son (my Husband) was being treated, she told her ex (Husband's Father) that she did not want any support money from him. So, my Husband got some handmade shirts as well as some expensive Pendleton shirts occasionally. He told me money was pretty tight but that his Mom made sure he didn't feel poor. Anyway, I believe that's why my Husband is so controlling. Yeah, I understand that no matter the excuse, it doesn't make that type of behavior acceptable.
 
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