Years ago I was visiting my brother and his wife and my then only niece/nephew. My niece was 2 years old. Her parents told her to do something for herself, can't remember what it was but it would have been something she'd rather they do and she said "I can't". Her mom said "you can't or you don't want to". There's been a few times over the years since that day that I was thinking about something that I didn't want to do, "I can't". And I heard my sis-in-law in my head. Sometime over this past year, I can't remember when it was, I went from saying "I can't" about living without my husband to saying "I don't want to". I now have to face the fact that I don't want to live without someone who is hurting me over and over. I want to live without the pain and betrayal. But I don't want to live without him - don't worry! I'm not going back on what I've told him. It's her or me and since it's her, he and I can't be together anymore. I will stick to that. But I don't want to. And I wish I could get mad at myself and be like WTF is wrong with you????? Like true anger at myself about feeling that I don't want to be without him. But the anger isn't coming. I'm not even mad at anyone at the moment. Just sad. Maybe this is normal, like a normal stage of this situation or something. But I can't help thinking that no, it's not actually normal to still want someone who has done what has been to done me over the past year. The stuff before, I could actually forgive because there were mistakes on both sides, although I have never cheated. But this past year.....I do not deserve this. And he even says I don't deserve it. And yet I have to force myself to do what's best instead of WANTING to do what's best. Self, WTF?????