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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Hi. I'm new here, and was hoping to get some help/perspective.
I am married for almost 5 years to my husband who is from another country. We have one child and another on the way. His parents are in another country (his country of origin) and his siblings (sister and two brothers) are all here in America. We are all the same ethnicity, except I am American born. Initially, I didn't mind his family, but now I have a strong dislike for some of them. Frankly, I don't know where to begin. The bottom line is this: his brother's wife, from my observation, does not like me AT ALL, nor do I think she wants me around the family. It didn't seem that way initially, while were were dating, but once we booked my wedding, things got very dramatic. Initially, we planned on telling all the siblings we had booked at the same time. But, that weekend, I had asked my husband's sister for her wedding photographer's number, so she put two and two together and plied me with questions about whether I booked the wedding..so I had no choice but to answer. Well, Monday comes, and while my husband's sister was talking to the brother's wife (they work together) she mentioned that we booked the wedding (she didn't mean anything bad by it, she was just happy). Our sister in law got angry apparently, and I got a super nasty text asking "how could I leave her out of this important information, how dare I, everyone should be treated equally etc"; to me it seemed like a temper tantrum... I basically responded that I thought she was over-reacting a bit, that it was unnecessary and basically stopped the conversation. Ever since then, she has been very passive-agressive with me, and always at the most opportune times, when no one is around. She has made constant snide comments in general, and also about my occasional lateness to her home (which everyone in the family knows is because of my husband, but somehow I get the blame from her.. but yet, she doesn't RSVP to the last few parties, I have to basically chase her for a response; but I've certainly never commented on that, because frankly, people get busy, I get it...

There was one situation that almost caused me to separate from my husband. We all went away on a weekend getaway (all the siblings and spouses). The kids were in the pool, and I only had pool diapers (not regular) for my daughter; so I changed her, put her in that, and we headed over to an antiques shop, because no one wanted to wait. But, being that it was my first child, I didn't know pool diapers don't absorb urine, and my daughter peed through. I told everyone we were going to go to nearby Target, and that when we returned to the antique store, we would decide on where to eat. My brother-in law's wife calls me while I'm on line, which is unlike her to call, and asks what we're up to...I replied that we were on line, almost ready to go, and we'd be back and make a decision about food. About 5 or so minutes later, we were driving back, and get a group text, sent from her though, with a map of a restaurant. I asked why she was sending me that, when I had just told her to wait, and she basically played stupid and acted like she forgot. Boy did my husband and I fight over that...because again he said he couldn't say anything b/c his brother gets very defensive over his wife. And I was super angry because no one took my side. Not one of his family members.

There are also other things, when I invited them to my mother's 60th birthday, she was supposed to bring her 4 year old son, so when they didn't bring him, and I inquired about where he was, she replied 'oh my son didn't want to come, he didn't want to babysit your daughter'. I was very hurt by that..and I'm pretty sure the kid never said that. But I just nodded, said "Ok" and walked away. They also never covered their son's plate. My husband basically says to ignore her, that he can't do anything about it b/c his brother puts her on a pedestal, and there is no point, it'll just lead to a family fight and he doesn't want that...well, neither do I, because at the end of the day the kids suffer...but this woman doesn't even care for her own son I don't think...

I gather the rest of his family knows how she is, and as a result, let her get away with murder because she is extremely jealous, manipulative, plays the victim and I guess they don't want to lose their son/brother. Her poor husband doesn't even know how manipulative she is, and that's just sad. There was a point we were in a family group chat, but I left it because half of the time, if I comment on anyone's pictures, my comments go ignored for the most part...so what is the point.

My husband's sister likes her but doesn't love her, but still manages to kiss her ass, and frankly, it irks me. If our sister-in-law was normal I wouldn't care, but I find it to be odd behavior from my husband's sister, and it feels fake to me. This situation has caused many fights between my husband and I, and it's gotten to the point where I don't want to associate with his family anymore, because in my eyes, they're a bunch of push-overs. Recently, if I am with his brother's wife, we say hello, and we don't speak for the rest of the night, at all. I'm really done with it.

Please someone offer some advice, because I'm at my wits end with all of this..I'm torn, I want peace and to set a good example for my child, but I also don't want my child to think I'm a pushover, so that's how she needs to be.
 

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There is a lot of details to your post, but it does seem to me that you might not be the easiest person too. Just few things here;

I basically responded that I thought she was over-reacting a bit, that it was unnecessary and basically stopped the conversation.
You just stopped conversation. Disregarded her. That's not a great way to handle things that do not go your way. Instead of "you are overreacting", you could have said "I'm sorry that you have learnt that way about our engagment, that was not our intention"

Then at the vacation you want the whole group to sit hungry and wait for you. Would be much easier if you said "I have to go to Target, you guys figure this out and let me know where we are meeting".

Maybe your SIL is a monster. But you are responsible how you behave and how you react. Just try to see if maybe there is a way you can change your communications to take the edge of the conflict too. and it will be up to her to change her tone too after that. You can not control her, you can control how you react.
 

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. The bottom line is this: his brother's wife, from my observation, does not like me AT ALL, nor do I think she wants me around the family.
So, you are A) giving this woman WAY too much time in your head -- she is in the large scheme of things, NOT important to you -- you have to tolerate her -- just ignore her. and B) YOU are taking this WAY too personally -- it's not that she doesn't like you -- she is b*tchy to ALL of his family, even her own husband! Why do you think she would treat YOU any better? You go to the family events, and ignore her. If she gets in your face in front of everyone, just calmly call her on whatever she is spouting, and walk away.
Ever since then, she has been very passive-agressive with me, and always at the most opportune times, when no one is around. She has made constant snide comments in general, and also about my occasional lateness to her home (which everyone in the family knows is because of my husband, but somehow I get the blame from her.. but yet, she doesn't RSVP to the last few parties, I have to basically chase her for a response; but I've certainly never commented on that, because frankly, people get busy, I get it...
SO, have a clear RSVP date. If she doesn't respond DO NOT chase her down. The first time she shows up if she hasn't RSVP'd, just say in front of everyone -- sorry, you didn't RSVP so I didn't think you were coming..... (however PLAN knowing she will be coming -- that's just the way she is trying to grab attention and manipulate YOU).
Make it like you are accomodating her even though SHE is in the wrong "Let me go see if we can get extra meals..." and walk away for a while.
I asked why she was sending me that, when I had just told her to wait, and she basically played stupid and acted like she forgot. Boy did my husband and I fight over that...because again he said he couldn't say anything b/c his brother gets very defensive over his wife. And I was super angry because no one took my side. Not one of his family members.
SO, this is a trivial thing to get separated over. Where you went for dinner is irrelevant to the problem. SHE is trying to be controlling of the family, and you are pushing back against that -- she doesn't like that and will manipulate as she can. The thing that bothers me is what I bolded -- he is concerned about his BROTHER defending HIS wife, and yet HE won't defend his OWN wife. THAT is something you need to discuss with him -- YOU are his primary relationship, NOT worrying about his brother/wife. THEY can take care of themselves. Your H is very non-confrontational, but at the very least he needs to support YOU.
Recently, if I am with his brother's wife, we say hello, and we don't speak for the rest of the night, at all. I'm really done with it.
THIS is exactly how to handle things. If she texts you for anything, ignore her -- just use HER tactics "Ooops, sorry I didn't see the text". Say hello and ignore her at family functions. If she DOES get blantantly in your face while others are around, feel free to call her on what she is doing, but do it VERY CALMLY. Let the family see that YOU are not bothered by her, but will also NOT put up with her crap.
If she does it while you are alone with her, just laugh at her, and walk away. Don't talk or respond in any other way. Laugh/walk will show her how little she means to you.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Thank you both for your feedback. I know it's a lot of info there, but it's the first time I get to talk about it openly. If I talk about it at home, my husband doesn't want to hear. Which is not good. Regarding first post, thank you! In regard to the 2nd post, I have started to ignore her, and it's worked out okay so far. I have not really seen her, I have ignored most of the things she does, b/c at the end of the day, I believe her intentions are to make the family fight, so she can have her husband always on her side of the family. Well, she won't win that battle. Hopefully I'll have the strength to continue to ignore her and just be my happy self. But you're right, this person doesn't deserve any space in my head. Thank you for your honest viewpoint.
 

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The one thing in all of this that DOES bug me is that your husband worried that his BROTHER will defend his wife, yet he doesn't defend you. He should see that this is very hypocritical!

You SHOULD talk with him about this. Why is what his BROTHER think taking precedence over what YOU think? I am betting he does NOT like confrontations and is just "trying to keep the peace". BUT you should let him know that YOU need to be his priority. Just because everyone else kowtow's to this woman doesn't mean YOU should have to.
 

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The one thing in all of this that DOES bug me is that your husband worried that his BROTHER will defend his wife, yet he doesn't defend you. He should see that this is very hypocritical!

You SHOULD talk with him about this. Why is what his BROTHER think taking precedence over what YOU think? I am betting he does NOT like confrontations and is just "trying to keep the peace". BUT you should let him know that YOU need to be his priority. Just because everyone else kowtow's to this woman doesn't mean YOU should have to.
Oh, absolutely. We have talked about this for the longest time, we've argued about it. They come from a family where everybody (extended family) fights, no one really talks to each other...not making an excuse for it, it's just me seeing where they come from. I don't think my husband has gotten accustomed to the idea that we should take precedence over his "family"...his brother seems to get that part, even though he defends his wife when she is wrong...lol. My husband is aware of it, and he says he's watching her, waiting for her to screw up...but it's not gonna happen, she's calculating like that... But the thing that bothers me about my sister-in-law, and maybe that's what saves the whole situation, is that she doesn't have the balls to act that way in front of my husband or hers. So it kind of gives me solace, that SHE is WRONG...because if her actions were truly justified, she would have no shame in hiding anything...right? I'd tell you the truth, if I do have another party, and she doesn't RSVP, I would even strongly oppose welcoming them, and going crazy trying to scramble plates, etc...Is that too petty?
 

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So, you are A) giving this woman WAY too much time in your head -- she is in the large scheme of things, NOT important to you -- you have to tolerate her -- just ignore her. and B) YOU are taking this WAY too personally -- it's not that she doesn't like you -- she is b*tchy to ALL of his family, even her own husband! Why do you think she would treat YOU any better? You go to the family events, and ignore her. If she gets in your face in front of everyone, just calmly call her on whatever she is spouting, and walk away.

SO, have a clear RSVP date. If she doesn't respond DO NOT chase her down. The first time she shows up if she hasn't RSVP'd, just say in front of everyone -- sorry, you didn't RSVP so I didn't think you were coming..... (however PLAN knowing she will be coming -- that's just the way she is trying to grab attention and manipulate YOU).
Make it like you are accomodating her even though SHE is in the wrong "Let me go see if we can get extra meals..." and walk away for a while.

SO, this is a trivial thing to get separated over. Where you went for dinner is irrelevant to the problem. SHE is trying to be controlling of the family, and you are pushing back against that -- she doesn't like that and will manipulate as she can. The thing that bothers me is what I bolded -- he is concerned about his BROTHER defending HIS wife, and yet HE won't defend his OWN wife. THAT is something you need to discuss with him -- YOU are his primary relationship, NOT worrying about his brother/wife. THEY can take care of themselves. Your H is very non-confrontational, but at the very least he needs to support YOU.

THIS is exactly how to handle things. If she texts you for anything, ignore her -- just use HER tactics "Ooops, sorry I didn't see the text". Say hello and ignore her at family functions. If she DOES get blantantly in your face while others are around, feel free to call her on what she is doing, but do it VERY CALMLY. Let the family see that YOU are not bothered by her, but will also NOT put up with her crap.
If she does it while you are alone with her, just laugh at her, and walk away. Don't talk or respond in any other way. Laugh/walk will show her how little she means to you.
This response.

In a big, big way. You're giving her waayy too much time in your head.

All marriages bring together at least one or more family members that are hard to get along with, that's very common.

Just put her on ignore, and when dealing with her when absolutely necessary do as @jlg07 says.

You'll be ok. Unless there are other problems.
 

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Oh, absolutely. We have talked about this for the longest time, we've argued about it. They come from a family where everybody (extended family) fights, no one really talks to each other...not making an excuse for it, it's just me seeing where they come from. I don't think my husband has gotten accustomed to the idea that we should take precedence over his "family"...his brother seems to get that part, even though he defends his wife when she is wrong...lol. My husband is aware of it, and he says he's watching her, waiting for her to screw up...but it's not gonna happen, she's calculating like that... But the thing that bothers me about my sister-in-law, and maybe that's what saves the whole situation, is that she doesn't have the balls to act that way in front of my husband or hers. So it kind of gives me solace, that SHE is WRONG...because if her actions were truly justified, she would have no shame in hiding anything...right? I'd tell you the truth, if I do have another party, and she doesn't RSVP, I would even strongly oppose welcoming them, and going crazy trying to scramble plates, etc...Is that too petty?
So, and I hate to suggest this because it just gives HER more importance in your life, next time you have to be around her, set your phone to "record" and keep it on you at all times. If/when she gets you alone and gives you crap, you will have something to show your husband about the reality of what this woman does. MAYBE then he will stand up for you, but who knows if he is so avoidant of confrontation.
It MAY help you though!

I hear you on the "oppose welcoming them" but a) that is your ANGER talking, and b) it would hurt OTHER people (her kids?). If YOU do the "I'll try to see if we can get more plates of food" type of thing, they YOU appear the bigger person in front of the whole family. THEY will see that SHE didn't respond and YOU are trying to be nice. It's better I think in this situation to "kill them with kindness". THEN, continue to ignore her shenanigans. Just smile and walk away. That should REALLY piss her off! :D
 

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So, and I hate to suggest this because it just gives HER more importance in your life, next time you have to be around her, set your phone to "record" and keep it on you at all times. If/when she gets you alone and gives you crap, you will have something to show your husband about the reality of what this woman does. MAYBE then he will stand up for you, but who knows if he is so avoidant of confrontation.
It MAY help you though!

I hear you on the "oppose welcoming them" but a) that is your ANGER talking, and b) it would hurt OTHER people (her kids?). If YOU do the "I'll try to see if we can get more plates of food" type of thing, they YOU appear the bigger person in front of the whole family. THEY will see that SHE didn't respond and YOU are trying to be nice. It's better I think in this situation to "kill them with kindness". THEN, continue to ignore her shenanigans. Just smile and walk away. That should REALLY piss her off! :D
Funny you say that, I considered recording her..maybe I will lol. But yeah, I see your point, I will have to keep being the bigger person. It's just annoying though, because she does have some people convinced. How people are unable to sense the fakeness is beyond me.
Thanks again!
 
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