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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
As many of you know on here, my gf has been hugely irresponsible and kind of a brat...to say the least.

Well turns out shes also been lying to me for 5 years.

When we met she was talking to me on the phone one of the first times and joked about....a devils threeway she'd just had.

and I stopped her and told her right then that to each his own but for my own personal comfort, I couldn't be with someone who had or would do that. just my thing. ok? Fair?

She backtracked a million miles and said no that she didn't, she was just "kidding" and I said why that would be a joke??

Come to find all her friends bought into the devils threeway story and assured me it was real. I asked if she was really kidding?? These two men continued to hang out with her and text her flirty messages.

ugh

so she then tells me one day that the truth is that she got really drunk one night, went to bed, and woke up and they were raping her. I asked why she would ever maintain contact ppl who'd raped her???? She said she didn't want to ruin the friend dynamic.

Naturally I was RIP**** and I stated no more contact. She did but what I didn't know is that she told them an entirely different story---that I was emotionally abusive and jealous and couldn't handle their presence.....

WTF?

So cut to 2 years down the line this story is still coming up, pieces don't add up, I don't feel I am getting the truth. She leaves me, tells me I have a personality disorder and inherent distrust issues, and demands I seek therapy. Meanwhile she goes out with these characters...while we are living together...once even while I was making her latkas (shes jewish)

So I did I paid out of pocket for 3 months therapy.....

in the end it didn't help and I just chose to drop it bc the truth was she was gonna leave if I didn't. In the end I chose to believe her. and tolerate she would want to hang out with two rapists....

UGH


So recently she came into extra $$$ from her wealthy family and I was reading some post on here about a wife who lied to her husband for 15 years or something. and it hit me in the stomach. I couldn't help but feel I WAS being lied to. So I said ok we have this money lets take a poly. You want me to trust you forever? a poly will determine and help us rebuild.

She went A-balls through the roof angry talking about my lack of trust, my 5 years of hounding her, my emotional abuse, how she would fail it.

WHY WOULD U FAIL IT? She said bc ppl fail those things all the time, and I said no that its really accurate and people who say that are the liars trying to get away with it.


So I asked her again the next day. I scheduled an appointment at a poly to make sure she knew I wasn't kidding.

She then admitted, no it wasn't rape. It wasn't even their idea. it was ALL her idea. She wanted it and asked for it and they were even a little awkward at the thought of it but liked her so did it.

MAkes. Me. SICK.

So like a doormat, I took her back.....only to find out 4 days later that there was more she was lying to me about in her past....like how many people, like quadruple the people she told me. I didn't take that as hard bc girls lie bout that stuff anyway but the fact that 4 days I kept hounding her if I knew the whole truth....she kept reassuring me, and then when I said I didn't feel like I knew everything....she tried to make me feel crazy AGAIN.


So cut to, I have a total nervous breakdown. She starts attacking me saying she Had no choice to lie bc of my serious hangups on the issue...

So I reveal to her (what ive kept secret from the world until now I guess) that my first girlfriend seriously raped me and its really wounded me and made me very scared of sex and lies put together.

She promises she wont ever blame me for her decision to lie to me again

We discover shes probably a pathological liar and needs therapy, serious therapy.

We get into another huge fight and she ends it again with, she had no choice but to lie bc of my weird hangups. It crushed me. I left for the night planning on driving to my hometown but came back the next morning...

Meanwhile I learn that she was gloating on facebook that she inherited the apartment and whatnot and befriended ALL those people and began messaging them

I came back and she was telling me how we wouldn't work bc of my hang up and because she wasn't going to give them up as friends.....people she hasn't spoken to in 5 years?? Really??


Her fb was online and I saw the messages, all BS about what an ass I was and how done she was with me.

That night she calls daddy and books a flight back to new York. I should say that the next day was out 5 yr anniversary and despite everything I wanted us to stay together on it and go to vegas and just call everything in the past at 0, just restart.

She didn't go for it, instead she left THATNIGHT on a redeye

Shes been gone for several days and as I speak she is meeting up with one of the "rapists" in DC.

And I spent our anniversary kinda sobbing and cleaning up the trashed out apartment, Again dog feces everywhere. Took hours and I packed my stuff.

I talked to my dad who urged me to keep the apartment that it was mine and he'd help me out financially until then. Something he's never done, I was amazed. We aren't a wealthy family like hers.


So I began to unpack my stuff and pack away HER stuff.

Now shes all pouty about how im much happier without her. I actually am! Its weird and Im lonely but I feel much more like a less damaged person without her.

Today I am going to pawn off the engagement ring.

She wants those friends, she wants to keep lying, she wants to keep blaming me for her choices, she can do it all. Just not with me in the picture anymore.


Im an idiot. 5 years. Lost. BIG SIGH. Let my story be another one of the thousand cautionary tales out here....
 

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It is a good thing you walked away from the relationship. Way too much drama for anyone to have to endure. You will find someone who treats you as you should be treated. Until then enjoy being single and have fun searching for the "one". You will find her!
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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Did I mention that she swore on her recently deceased mothers grave that her story was true (the lie version). It makes me sick how someone can do that...wth?
 

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I know that it's hard right now but, seriously, you've dodged a bullet. Had you actually gone on to marry this woman and had kids with her, things would be a LOT worse. Take some time, get yourself together and when you're ready, you'll find someone trust worthy and who won't play games with you.
 

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Well at least you didn't marry and start a family with her. Sucks about all the wasted time but looks like you dodged a pretty big bullet.
 

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Lmao yes falcon.... My thoughts exactly. Well OP dont worry. That girl and her "rape" buddies can fall off a cliff. Meanwhile you will find yourself a woman who will actually love and respect you.
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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
ok I was being specific as to the TYPE of threesome, remember it could've been with 2 other chicks, 1 other chick and a dude, or two dudes. sorry just my need to over clarify things I guess
 

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Hey, all4her! Honest to God I was JUST THINKING of you and I was going to go find your homepage and PM you to see how you're doing. Was just going to read one more thread...and guess whose it was?!? Yep, you, my man!

I'm sorry you found out she's a major LIAR. I'm glad you are feeling BETTER about being without her. I'm GLAD you're accepting what she is without making excuses for her. I'm glad your parents are supportive! I'm glad you felt you could tell us about YOUR past problems...it's got to be very difficult. Trust me, we ALL have things we would rather NOT reveal about our pasts, but as this *is* an anonymous forum, it DOES make it a little easier to be completely honest. Well, that AND the fact that people here are, for the most part, understanding and non-judgemental.

I know you're not asking for advice, but you know ME...I'm probably gonna give some anyway.

1.) Block her from FaceBook. Block any friends you think will talk to her about you or talk to YOU about HER.

2.) Block her emails...they need to go STRAIGHT to junk mail or DELETE.

3.) Pack EVERYTHING of hers in boxes! Every last damned hairpin, scrunchy, sock, tampon, earring, doodad, book, picture, momento, article of clothing, bottle of shampoo, etc. PUT the boxes in the locked BASEMENT storage unit of your apartment building (or wherever you keep unused shyt.)

4.) Go out tomorrow and buy NEW SHEETS, NEW COMFORTER, NEW PILLOWS. DO IT. Wash the old ones, put them in garbage bags, and donate them to the needy. Get her and her stink OUT of your life!

5.) Talk to management about CHANGING THE LOCK on your apartment. You don't need her messing in YOUR apartment while you're at work. Make sure management knows she is your EX-GIRLFRIEND and NOTHING short of a court-order entitles her skanky butt to be in YOUR apartment. NOTHING! Remind them you would hate to have to SUE them if she sweet-talks someone from the management or maintenance staffs into letting her into your apartment! (I'm assuming her lazy doesn't-earn-any-money butt isn't listed on the lease. If it is, have her TAKEN OFF THE LEASE.)

In fact, you might be well-served to have an attorney notify the management company IN WRITING about having ex-gf taken off the lease, locks changed, not allowing her access to YOUR apt., etc. Attorney can draft another letter to ex-gf notifying her *how* she can reclaim her property (at her own expense) that she 'abandoned' at YOUR apartment.

6.) Get into some IC. Find someone who works with sexual dysfunction as I think it is a very real component of your low self-esteem problems.

7.) See if you can change your UserName. No more 'all4her'...she's gotten all she's going to get out of you! Now everything is directed at helping you heal, grow, move forward into a HEALTHIER life.

Your story isn't fvcked-up! Your ex-gf is! An undeserving, vindictive, screwed-up, shallow, selfish, shrewish excuse for a woman. Makes me sick!

Hang tough, we're HERE for you 24/7 !!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
THANK U!!!!!! I guess youre right I didn't ask for advice but I do want it, Came here for it. Im afraid I will take her back (missing her now actually). Im afraid she'll blame me and make me feel horrible and then ill take her back to prove im a decent guy.

Im also fearful that maybe this wasn't as serious as it was. She makes it seem like she was a victim to me here, that my hangups ruined her life for 5 years bc it made her lie and made her not speak to these ppl that's honestly how she described it.

I would LOVE some confirmation that what she did and is doing is JACKED UP and NOT OK.

Sorry just need that, need perspective, need reassurance. and if u think im being harsh for caring as much as I do, then u know, let me know that too
 

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Please, on Monday morning look into getting some Individual Counseling.

I would suggest that you print out YOUR original posts for 5 of your threads (one looks as though it pertains to a friend of yours).

Take a copy of each of your 5 original posts (YOUR initial post asking for input; if you want to include responses from TAMers and YOUR responses to the TAMers, that's up to you) to your FIRST COUNSELING SESSION. You need HELP breaking the cycle of this abusive relationship.

Take another copy of the same 5 original posts, highlight the parts that angered/disgusted/scare you THE MOST. Tape these posts to your bathroom mirror where you will see them:
  • first thing every morning when you shave/brush
  • last thing every night when you shave/brush
You need to be CONSTANTLY REMINDED of just HOW TOXIC this woman is to your physical health, your mental health, your emotional strength, and your spiritual peace.

You are being abused in this relationship and you don't know how to get out of it! She is MANIPULATIVE and she knows just *how* to 'work' you!

*THAT* is why you MUST cut out ALL contact.
  • No facebook
  • No texting
  • No phone calls
  • No emails
  • No U.S. Mail
  • No faxes
BLOCK HER NAME/NUMBER from EVERY SOURCE POSSIBLE. Don't forget to BLOCK HER FROM WORK phone numbers, fax numbers, and emails, too!

Make sure she has NO access to ANY of your money. No bank accounts, no stocks, no safe-deposit box. NOTHING.

I believe YOU'RE making the payments on her car, yes? Sell it. See if you can TRADE it for something else that is (a) affordable (b) in no-way connected to HER. She should have ZERO access to it! Trust me, you'll get a grim satisfaction out of fvcking her over if she comes back to CA (she, who pays NOTHING towards its purchase or upkeep, considers it HER car...she's got nerve!)

Please get help to BREAK this cycle! It is doing you NO GOOD. It is NOT getting you the life you WANT, the life you NEED. It is not fulfilling ANY of YOUR GOALS.


If you REALLY feel yourself slipping and falling for her bullsh1t AGAIN, CALL YOUR PARENTS. Think about HOW HARD they worked to bring you up "right". Think about how hard they're working NOW to support you FINANCIALLY and EMOTIONALLY. And they're NOT busting their butts to help you JUST TO WATCH YOU throw it all away ON THIS B1TCH! They would be DISGUSTED by her behavior and YOU KNOW they would not WILLINGLY be helping you financially to continue living this DESTRUCTIVE lifestyle with HER. Don't ask them to.

They're helping you because they LOVE you and want to see you WELL and HAPPY. Don't abuse their generosity by expecting them to support this sick relationship with ex-gf. Give THAT some thought regularly!
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Great stuff SlowlyGW, except im afraid to post the stuff ihated the most about, I think seeing it everyday would hurt and upset me sooo much, I know that's the point but omg I spend most of my energy in the day trying to block out those big red sirens in my head, I know its time to let them ring but it never feels good u know? the girl u love being just....ugh...

Also funny u mentioned fam. my dad wants me to WORK IT OUT with her!! I explained EVERYTHING and he still wants me to stay with her, IDK why, he says we're both angry and shes testing my trust, and im saying im eating poop and the trust is already broken why test it now?? So we argue about this but in the end he is going to help me with the hard decision to make even if he doesn't support it. God. Knows. Why. He is the ONLY one in her court.
 

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Do not take her back. She is a lying nasty nasty person. Chances are she has cheated with these guys in the past on you, and these is a good chance she's doing it right now to spite you.

Dude, you do not have hang ups you have standards and she doesn't even come close to measuring up.
 

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I'm pretty sure you don't love HER. You love the 'fantasy' of her. You love the IDEA of what she COULD BE...if she'd just try a little harder....which you *know* she WON'T!

Maybe you need to work my 'mirror' suggestion from the other direction. You post on your mirror your NEW BOUNDARIES. Use BOLD to type the BOUNDARY and plain font to type the examples.

My Boundaries

I DO NOT ACCEPT LYING
No more lying, evasions, half-truths, trickle-truth.

I DO NOT DATE PEOPLE WHOSE SEXUAL PASTS REPULSE ME
No threesomes.

I AM IN RELATIONSHIPS WITH ADULTS WHO WANT TO BE MY PARTNER AND HAVE MY BACK
No slacking on their half of the work, income, decisions, responsibilities.

I WILL MARRY A WOMAN WHOM I WILL BE PROUD TO HAVE AS THE MOTHER OF MY CHILDREN
A generous, giving, caring, understanding, emotionally-supportive woman who knows how to care for others as well as herself.

UNTIL I FIND A WOMAN WHO MEETS MY CRITERIA/NEEDS, I WILL BE ALONE
I have plenty of work to do on myself so that I will be a happy, healthy, mature, engaged partner who cares for himself so he can care for others.

This is a more positive approach; but YOU NEED TO REALIZE that you are extremely SUSCEPTIBLE to this woman's manipulations. If you're not willing to actually ACKNOWLEDGE in your HEART and in your HEAD "who" and "what" she REALLY IS...you're going to let her weasel her way back into your life! [Right after she's done getting those 'threesomes' out of her system again in NY...perhaps as we write.]
 

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She has told you that YOU have the problem, that YOU need therapy, that YOU are abusive, and she has told this to everyone who will put up with her big mouth.

Tell me, what will you do when (not IF) she pulls the "Anti-Semite" card on you?
 
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