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I've been married for about a year and a half and regretting it since the honeymoon. There's no sob story here, hubby is a nice man who goes to work every day and never yells at me or raises a hand to me. Plays nice with his inlaws and lets me have pretty much anything I want. Sounds great, right? Well I'm miserable. I know I sound like a ***** now, which makes me feel even worse than I already do. I can't talk to anyone about this and vent because what am I going to say? "My husband is a nice guy, but I hate being married to him"?

I'm so miserable because there is no chemistry, no romance, nothing that even makes me feel like he's a friend, much less a husband. We don't laugh, play games, go to concerts, ANYTHING. We sit in front of the tv while he plays xbox. He will play board games with me if I ask, but I feel like he views it as an unpleasant obligation. It means nothing to me if he doesn't actually want to. I married him because we are complete opposites and I thought we'd balance out and complement each other, not drive each other nuts.

I have tried really hard to make things better by pretending to be happy and doing everything in my power to spoil him and make him feel wanted, loved, appreciated etc, but it gets me nowhere. He says something like "Aww wasn't that sweet of you" kisses me on the forehead, and goes back to whatever it was he was doing. I feel like my insides are screaming, but I have to keep a smile on because how can I say "I don't feel like you really meant that" and not look like a demanding oversensitive freak?

He just doesn't seem to care about anything. It's like I married a robot. Tonight in the car I made it plain that I was getting fed up with how things are and that our relationship is in serious danger and he didn't say a word. I asked him what he was thinking and he said he was thinking about driving. Didn't even look the least bit upset.

I keep all of this bottled up inside and I feel like it is killing me. I've tried to get counseling, but it costs too much for me to afford. Have you ever been in a relationship like this? Do I just have to accept that we are different and try to learn to cope with it or is there anything I can do to make him interested in having fun with me?
 

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Do I just have to accept that we are different and try to learn to cope with it or is there anything I can do to make him interested in having fun with me?
If you want to continue to be miserable you can do this or you can sit him down and have a legit conversation. He needs to realize that you're serious about this or the marriage could come to an end.
 

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I've been married for about a year and a half and regretting it since the honeymoon. There's no sob story here, hubby is a nice man who goes to work every day and never yells at me or raises a hand to me. Plays nice with his inlaws and lets me have pretty much anything I want. Sounds great, right? Well I'm miserable. I know I sound like a ***** now, which makes me feel even worse than I already do. I can't talk to anyone about this and vent because what am I going to say? "My husband is a nice guy, but I hate being married to him"?

I'm so miserable because there is no chemistry, no romance, nothing that even makes me feel like he's a friend, much less a husband. We don't laugh, play games, go to concerts, ANYTHING. We sit in front of the tv while he plays xbox. He will play board games with me if I ask, but I feel like he views it as an unpleasant obligation. It means nothing to me if he doesn't actually want to. I married him because we are complete opposites and I thought we'd balance out and complement each other, not drive each other nuts.

I have tried really hard to make things better by pretending to be happy and doing everything in my power to spoil him and make him feel wanted, loved, appreciated etc, but it gets me nowhere. He says something like "Aww wasn't that sweet of you" kisses me on the forehead, and goes back to whatever it was he was doing. I feel like my insides are screaming, but I have to keep a smile on because how can I say "I don't feel like you really meant that" and not look like a demanding oversensitive freak?

He just doesn't seem to care about anything. It's like I married a robot. Tonight in the car I made it plain that I was getting fed up with how things are and that our relationship is in serious danger and he didn't say a word. I asked him what he was thinking and he said he was thinking about driving. Didn't even look the least bit upset.

I keep all of this bottled up inside and I feel like it is killing me. I've tried to get counseling, but it costs too much for me to afford. Have you ever been in a relationship like this? Do I just have to accept that we are different and try to learn to cope with it or is there anything I can do to make him interested in having fun with me?
My guess is that you got married too young.
 

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I know you believe you made it plain to him how fed up you were, but I wonder if he understands. My wife talks to me sometimes and though I know she feels quite passionately about whatever it is, I often have not the slightest clue what she's talking about. I have a Masters degree but she might as well be speaking Mandarin sometimes. Make sure there are zero distractions. We're good at tuning things out. Try talking to him again and then get him to tell you in his own words what you just said. If he's an 85% decent guy, it'd seem to make more sense to try to adjust this one a little as opposed to scrapping him in hopes of maybe finding something better. The next guy might cook meth in the basement and rape kids.
 

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How and why did this marriage happen? If you've felt this way since the honeymoon, then surely you felt this way a week and a month before the wedding. If you thought that opposites attract, then you would have learned that, in your case, this is not true during the dating stage.

Rgardless, if you think there is a glimmer of hope of having some fun and chemistry with your husband, I agree with the above posters to talk about it again, and more often, and in more detail, and try to get into an ongoing conversation and find that spark.

But if there never was a spark to reignite and you think it is hopeless, then you have no choice but to get out of this marriage. Don't even think about kids. You made a mistake. That s*cks, but you and your husband should and could move on from this. He'll find someone compatible to love him totally and completely and you will find someone you are in love with.

I don't think you sound like a b*tch for feeling this way. It's great and all that he's a super nice guy, but it takes more than that for a happy and enduring marriage. You need chemistry, and you need to laugh and have fun together with mutual interests, but most of all you need to be in love and enjoy each other. Don't throw in the towel and figure that you made your bed and now you have to sleep in it. You need to move on.
 

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I'm so miserable because there is no chemistry, no romance, nothing that even makes me feel like he's a friend, much less a husband.

I married him because we are complete opposites and I thought we'd balance out and complement each other, not drive each other nuts.
You picked your spouse with your head not your heart. That rarely works.

AND for the record that whole opposites attract thing is total crap. Most people gravitate towards like. Like personalities, like interests, like values, like morals, etc.

So the answer for you now is to admit you made a terrible mistake and get out. You and your husband both deserve better than this.
 

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He doesn't sound passive,he sounds incredibly closed off and selfish.

You're at just as much fault as he is though,in my opinion.You've been pretending and putting up with things,probably been handing out a huge dose of passive aggression too rather than looking him straight in the eyes and expressing exactly how you're feeling. Well,you did express it but only after you were at the breaking point which unfortunately tends to put people on the defense or it makes them shut down completely as in "I'm thinking about driving"

I too am wondering why you married this person.It sounds odd to marry someone just because they're your opposite.What did you love about him prior to the I Do's?

It sounds like both of you need help with learning how to talk to each other.I wonder if he'd attend therapy with you?
 

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I've been married for about a year and a half and regretting it since the honeymoon. There's no sob story here, hubby is a nice man who goes to work every day
What does he do for a living?
 

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Forgive me if I'm off base here, but what I read is "we don't do anything together". Specifically, you want him to seek out activities with you. I don't find him to be passive or particularly selfish. Maybe he's just as bored as you?

Why not join him in whatever activity he is engaged in? You say he's playing video games; you can't play with him? Generally, guys play video games when they don't really have anything better to do... and yeah, board games aren't really as entertaining - especially if its just two people. Put a few 20-something guys in a house with an xbox and they'll probably all end up playing and carrying on.

In the end, I think one or the both of you has to enter the others world and engage the activities their spouse enjoys. Concerts and the like cost money and probably aren't going to be common events. You need something you can do whenever.

The truth is that guys generally don't think about these things. We think "I'm bored... time to own some noobs in Call of Duty or kick some tail in Madden." Average nights at home are pretty dull I think... "that's just life" is what I'm told all the time. Almost universally, people of all types complain about being bored. In all likelihood, you don't have any ideas on what to do... well, he doesn't either.

I recommend identifying the things you both enjoy doing together, and developing your own interests. He can't join you if you aren't passionate about anything either.

It seems odd that you would get close enough to someone to marry without any common interests.
 
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"My husband is a nice guy, but I hate being married to him"?
I'm so miserable because there is no chemistry, no romance, nothing that even makes me feel like he's a friend, much less a husband. We don't laugh, play games, go to concerts, ANYTHING. We sit in front of the tv while he plays xbox
I wouldn't call him a nice Guy because a Nice Guy is one who would be bending over backwards to please you - and you find it weak & a turn off.. this is more a case of a self absorbed Man-child who can't put his games away... He sounds LAZY, unconnected...and ..selfish.

Online Gaming Addiction Test - HealthyPlace

I married him because we are complete opposites and I thought we'd balance out and complement each other, not drive each other nuts.
I feel opposites can attract fine in temperaments -but this hinges on if both are contributing their parts in the marriage to please the other... holding up their own responsibilities & filling each others Love Tanks. It sure helps to have similar interests, marital goals, desires & beliefs to make it a smoother ride though.

I have tried really hard to make things better by pretending to be happy and doing everything in my power to spoil him and make him feel wanted, loved, appreciated etc, but it gets me nowhere. He says something like "Aww wasn't that sweet of you" kisses me on the forehead, and goes back to whatever it was he was doing. I feel like my insides are screaming, but I have to keep a smile on because how can I say "I don't feel like you really meant that" and not look like a demanding oversensitive freak?
Your emotional needs are being ignored. Pretending when you are seething inside....you can not go on like this, it will not work, resentment will grow like a plague...this will = passive aggressiveness/ resentment... or an explosion (much fighting down the line)..... His temperament is likely more "passive aggressive" beings how you describe him.

He just doesn't seem to care about anything. It's like I married a robot. Tonight in the car I made it plain that I was getting fed up with how things are and that our relationship is in serious danger and he didn't say a word. I asked him what he was thinking and he said he was thinking about driving. Didn't even look the least bit upset.
Sounds he has shut down emotionally as well.

Have you ever heard of this book >>> His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage ~ these are the Core emotional Needs addressed in that book....

10 Emotional needs:


1. Admiration
2. Affection
3. Conversation
4. Domestic support
5. Family commitment
6. Financial support
7. Honesty and openness
8. Physical attractiveness
9. Recreational companionship
10. Sexual fulfillment
Maybe you & her could sit down and write out your lists in the order of importance .....your top 5 specifically...and hers....with the goal of working to fulfill each others love tank......Here are work sheets you can print out
Emotional Needs Questionnaire


... to get you started in sharing what each wants from the other.... and giving it a Go.
 

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... I married him because we are complete opposites and I thought we'd balance out and complement each other, not drive each other nuts.

... but I have to keep a smile on because how can I say "I don't feel like you really meant that" and not look like a demanding oversensitive freak?

...I asked him what he was thinking and he said he was thinking about driving.

...Do I just have to accept that we are different and try to learn to cope with it or is there anything I can do to make him interested in having fun with me?
You married an opposite because you thought it would be a good idea and now you find it wasn't and you want to change him. Maybe you should tell him that and see if he has anything to say about it. Because he doesn't know the full context at the moment so he's having trouble responding.
 

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1. Speak your mind, you're not doing anyone any favors by bottling this in.

2. Start planning activities together

3. If you married him the way he acts, don't expect that he will change.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Thank you for all the helpful replies!

As to why I married him, I fell in love, as cliche as it sounds. We had a long distance relationship so most of it was texting or talking on the phone. When we did see each other it was for a Saturday and usually with lots of other people around. I figured any guy that drives 7 hours to see someone really must love them. Now I can look back and see that I should have seen a few big red flags and ended it, but they just seemed like little things before. I was too naive to realize that they were a small manifestation of a big deal breaker. We met because he went to the same college as my sister.

Unbelievable, thanks for the input, I think you're right. I'll try to make sure I have his full attention next time.

If you've felt this way since the honeymoon, then surely you felt this way a week and a month before the wedding.
I had a feeling a week or so before the wedding, but I had already agreed to marry him and wasn't about to back out because of a bad vibe. Like I said, I was naive.

I don't think you sound like a b*tch for feeling this way. It's great and all that he's a super nice guy, but it takes more than that for a happy and enduring marriage. You need chemistry, and you need to laugh and have fun together with mutual interests, but most of all you need to be in love and enjoy each other.
Thank you so much for understanding, that is exactly what I feel marriage should be.

I wonder if he'd attend therapy with you?
I think he would attend, but I don't think he'd open up. He'd say all the right things and nothing would change. He's got it all in his head, he just hasn't learned he needs to apply it yet.

What does he do for a living?
I'm not really sure why you asked, but he's an IT guy. Mostly a lot of "Hey my computer won't let me log in and I know I have my password right" :p

Forgive me if I'm off base here, but what I read is "we don't do anything together". Specifically, you want him to seek out activities with you. I don't find him to be passive or particularly selfish. Maybe he's just as bored as you?

Why not join him in whatever activity he is engaged in? You say he's playing video games; you can't play with him? Generally, guys play video games when they don't really have anything better to do... and yeah, board games aren't really as entertaining - especially if its just two people. Put a few 20-something guys in a house with an xbox and they'll probably all end up playing and carrying on.

In the end, I think one or the both of you has to enter the others world and engage the activities their spouse enjoys. Concerts and the like cost money and probably aren't going to be common events. You need something you can do whenever.

The truth is that guys generally don't think about these things. We think "I'm bored... time to own some noobs in Call of Duty or kick some tail in Madden." Average nights at home are pretty dull I think... "that's just life" is what I'm told all the time. Almost universally, people of all types complain about being bored. In all likelihood, you don't have any ideas on what to do... well, he doesn't either.

I recommend identifying the things you both enjoy doing together, and developing your own interests. He can't join you if you aren't passionate about anything either.
You are exactly right. I want to feel like he actually cares about doing anything with me. I thought I found something we could do together when I bought second hand tennis equipment and surprised him with it. We played a few times, he said he enjoyed it, and promised to take me every saturday morning so we could get a little exercise and have some fun together. We haven't been to the courts in months. So I think you're right, the only way I'm going to get any time with him is to engage in whatever lame activity he's doing (yes, the resentment is dripping). The only times he seems animated is when he watches sports or plays video games. I thought that for us to be close those things would have to butt out, but maybe I can piggyback on the enthusiasm he already has for them and shift a little of that my way if I join him in these activities. I've tried to before but I just don't enjoy watching other people play sports and I royally suck at video games, so it's a pretty humiliating experience to try to keep up with him. Looks like I've got some practicing to do...

SimplyAmorous, thank you so much for you reply and the links. I will ask hubby if we can both sit down and fill out the emotional needs questionnaire. But with the condition that we will actually put the results to good use and not just say "Hey, look at that honey, I'm ignoring all 5 of your top emotional needs, what are the ods!?"
Part of the reason I'm so aggravated with him is we've read His Needs Her Needs together more than once. When we read the chapter on recreational companionship and it suggested that the man give up his activities that don't include wife, he didn't even think about it. Loud and clear, his video games are more important to him than our marriage.

I will try planning activities for us to do together that I think we'd both enjoy, but I don't even want to at this point. I am tired of trying to make our marriage better by myself. Who knows, maybe if I keep at it for a while and then stop he'll realize he enjoyed it and put forth a little effort to come up with something himself. Or at least say "Hey I liked spending time with you, can you come up with something for us to do this weekend?" ....yeah I think my insides just died laughing =P
 

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Then you need to "man" up and start living your own life. If you say, "Hey let's do XYZ, I need that to feel fulfilled." and he responds, "I'm not giving up video games." And nothing changes in the relationship, he has no impetus to change.

You need to put it very bluntly, "I am feeling unfulfilled in our marriage and am losing my desire to stay married. It would help me if we did <two> activities together per week."

(replace that last sentence with whatever it is specifically you need to feel fulfilled).

Let that sit for a few weeks, if he doesn't make any changes, I'd file for separation.

That may sound drastic but it's either going to get his attention and he'll start working on it, or he's not going to change and you're going to end up on that path anyway.

Better to separate while you still have a chance to reconcile than after you've lost all desire to make it work.

Most women in your shoes will tough it out, put up with it wayyy too long, not feel a drop of feelings for their husband, and then run away when they meet someone else with no desire to make things work. By the time the guy understands the severity of his inaction, the woman is already past the point where she wants to work on it.
 

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I'm not really sure why you asked, but he's an IT guy. Mostly a lot of "Hey my computer won't let me log in and I know I have my password right" :p
Your description of a typical evening sounded like de-stress/relaxation behavior on his end and I was curious if there was anything resembling a legitimate reason for it or not. I don't think I.T. is terribly stressful myself.

This type of behavior is actually not gender specific. There are plenty of women who de-stress by spending big chunks of the evening on the phone with sisters, mothers, girlfriends, etc. and internet social media.

It's important for couples to mold their evening and weekend relaxation behaviors around each other and do things they both like.
 

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Can't you do something simple like booking dinner at a restaurant one night? "Hey, I booked dinner at that little Italian place in X for Thursday night, okay? You're taking me out." Then if it goes well do it again the next week.

Not so much "planning an activity together" as forcing an activity on him. Get him out of the house a bit and perhaps he'll start seeing there's more to life than video games.

Otherwise, I'd echo the sentiments of COguy. You go out and do things. Make friends, join clubs, study something. Show him there is a life out there and you mean to find it, and it might rub off on him.
 

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Your description of a typical evening sounded like de-stress/relaxation behavior on his end and I was curious if there was anything resembling a legitimate reason for it or not. I don't think I.T. is terribly stressful myself.
I.T. not stressful? Yeah, right! If he's a service desk guy, then 50% of his time is spent talking to stupid people who are yelling at him as if he caused their problems and he can't yell back because he's supposed to put up with their garbage and remain polite.

I deal with these guys a lot and I can tell you that they are surprised when a caller is calm and polite.

If he's a developer like me I can tell you that being on call at night and working 70 hour weeks to meet some VP's unrealistic schedule is also stressful.

Of course, there are the middle management types in I.T. who manage to avoid the work and the stress and claim the credit.
 

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I don't think I.T. is terribly stressful myself.
Shenanigans as the above poster stated. I.T. can be extremely stressful depending on the position. Who enjoys dealing with whiny, computer illiterate user's all day?

On another note, I second that dinner reservation idea. Try that.
 

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IT can be very stressful. I have family members who do front desk IT support for major corporations and government agencies. I would not want their jobs. Sometimes they're on their feet for hours walking to this department and the next or going under someone's computer to see what's broken. The calls they get...unbelievable and hilarious like "what do you mean press any key...I don't see a button called the any key on my keyboard." When people can't check their emails or get on the internet, they get angry. And who bears the brunt of it? You guess it, the IT rep. If you do network support, you're sometimes expected to carry a work cell phone so that you can be called on the weekends and off hours in case something is off with system. I've seen my relatives work all through the night sometimes to fix problems on the network.

Kasey - If your husband is in IT, he may naturally have a more low key, introverted personality. Not all IT folks are like that, but many are. Perhaps he's more interested in activities that can be done at home versus going out. He decompresses at home whereas you get relaxed by doing things outside of the home. I agree with the others that you both have to brainstorm to come up with activities you can do together that appeal to both of you, not just him and not just you.
 
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