My husband was dx as passive-aggressive, we have been married 23 years and I can tell you it is no picnic! In the beginning my husband sounded much like the original post, I thought he was depressed. I was giving encouragement. He told me he just was not the "ideas" person and I was the one carrying the relationship. He was busy with his work and I was busy taking care of his children from a previous marriage, he really was not even engaged with them, he told me to just take care of things. As the boys got older I could tell there was resentment building, more problems started happening as his sons reached their teen years and I really felt they needed him and they needed a strong firm parental figure but he would not step to the plate. Infact, when we did agree on how to handle a situation he would not carry thru as agreed and many times he made himself look good and turned it on me. I woudl ask him why he did things the way he did and there was always an excuse, and maybe not the same excuse if you asked the same question more than once. It caused bitter hard feelings on my part. All the while I was the initiator sexually. I think it was my way to try and involve him, trying to get love from him. Sex was odd, he was always detached. Yet it was obvious he loved other women, had quite a porn addiction that he want to counseling for, was always seeking out some lady at work to flirt and have infatuations about....it was just bizarre.
I finally stumbled on "passive-aggressive," read a book and realized this was my husband. I was always to blame. H eread some of the book and said it sounded like him but did not see himself as passive-aggressive. We went to counseling together and seperately. The counselor helped my husband to not just sit in his own world but to actively work to incorperate other people and engage and as long as he went to counseling he did well. I knew the instant he stopped. He dissolved himself in his own world once again and this time knowing what was happening I did not take it well at all.
The counselor suggested nearly 6 months ago that we seperate which is not what I wanted but we are very distant, more like friends sharing a house. There is no intamacy, I finally drew a line due to all the hurt and I stopped seeking him to love me. I do my own thing, concentrate on me. He does his thing and I do mine.
If I had it to do all over again I would have ran had I could see my future. I can't stand for him to even touch me anymore. I feel his worker bee and feel no respect from him in return.
My friends don't understand. They will tell me that their husbands are passive-aggressive but they manage. They point out my husband's good qualities and compare their husband's dreadful habits to mine and tell me I should feel good. My parents like my husband and if I say anything to my mother she claims all men are this way. The only person who has understood has been the counselor. Infact, once I told her what I had been thru with the step family and my husband she said she was surprised I was still alive as what I have been thru has been more than most could deal with. But my husband is very impressive when friends are around. Mr Helper, kind, pleasant, can carry on a conversation but when it comes to him having to take responsibility forget it. When it is just he and I with the kidshe is like a brick on the wall, dead and boring.
