Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 12 of 12 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
hello!

first post here! yeah! :smthumbup:

married 2 years, together 8.
problem: he never listens.
problem 2: i start feeling stupid.

i'm (successfully) building up my own business and i'm my husbands "ears". meaning, he starts building his own business and i am supposed to be all ears all day. for months. i feel like i do know, every once in a while, what i'm talking about. husband has great ---- theoretical ---- respect for my opinion.

real problem: i suggest something business-related for months, he ignores it. a stranger says the same thing once - he jumps. always.

this is only the business side of it. the list goes on.
i don't expect my husband to do at all what i say. but he expects me to listen and give my advice and opinion. but it never, ever, matters.

starting to feel like he thinks i'm ...just....dumb. :scratchhead:

it's like that with business things, stuff around the house, personal issues. after 8 years, it's starting to make me go nuts....or just not care anymore. which i don't want.

i have to add that especially in the past 2 years he has said repeatedly "should have listened to you on this, should have listened to you on that................." so, why don't you every once in a while???????:confused:

the bad part is that the same goes for how i feel. it seems like whatever i say (and i don't say a lot anymore, god forbid) or try to explain to him, doesn't reach him. when i tell him something makes me feel really bad, or there is something that i feel sad about, he ver often just calls it b.s. two years ago a close family member passed away. i was sad and upset. day 2: a somewhat angry husband tells me that it's stupid to still shed tears, that one day is enough........ just as an example.

can anybody please clarify?

thanks for reading!
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,454 Posts
Do you work outside the home?
Do you have children with him?

This is who your husband is. He apparently does not give a hoot what you say or think.

He must just like to hear himself talk.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
...and you are so darn right.

we do not have children yet and i work from home and outside.

while waiting for replies i just thought "why not just mind my own business if doesn't want to hear you anyway".

right or right?
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,454 Posts
You are right. If he does not take you seriously then why talk to him about anything.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,058 Posts
My opinion? If he isn't listening to what you say and taking it into consideration, he doesn't really care what you think. He likes to think his ideas are what get things going.

Stop giving him advice. Tell him since he doesn't value your opinion on it, you will no long give advice. He needs to stop asking. Make that very clear. If it's only the business aspect of things, that's great! Maybe he will reconsider, or continue to do what he wants anyway. Either way, if it's hurting you that he is doing those things, then stop allowing him to do it. Just simply step aside and allow him to make his own decisions. When they turn out to be wrong, you can smile reallllllly big on the inside.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
well, it's not me wanting to talk. it's him.

i would love the kind of relationship we had in the past when we BOTH could talk about anything. i appreciate HIS opinion and would love to be a good partner to him. but he seems to make it impossible.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
agreed and tried. i made it clear to him that if he always asks for my opinion but never listens to it that it's a big waste of my time. i'm risking another fight.....
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,454 Posts
So then tell him that you are not sure but think he will figure it out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,360 Posts
I was patient. I even let him self-absorbedly have the floor most of the time and actively listened, only to have to put up with him half-listening when it was my turn to talk. I tried the "I feel X when you do Y." conversations. I even told him I wasn't going to listen to him talk about his day because our conversations are one-sided and he doesn't listen to me." None of that worked. Additionally, I tried stopping telling him about my day at one point... that kind of worked as he did start asking me more how my day was.

However, what really worked for me is something I doubt will be a popular suggestion. (Caveat emptor applies YMMV), but what ended up working for me was telling him, "I told you so." every time. I mean it, EVERY TIME it was annoying to ME, that's how much I did it. Nobody likes to hear, "I told you so." when they're already feeling down in the dumps having made a poor decision against better advice. The salt in the wound of those three words, made him take my opinion more seriously... if only to never have to listen to me say them again.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
74 Posts
When he asks you for advice, and you give it, what exactly does he do? I get that the result is he doesn't take it, but in the conversation, how does he immediately respond to your suggestion? Lots of good can come of a potential business strategy discussion in this case I bet.

I would love to have a detailed discussion about business with my wife - huge turn on. If your husband has his own enterprise, it would be great if you two were able to talk about something that is such a big part of your respective lives.

A main principle of judo is to use your opponent's momentum in your favor. Since he is so apparently smart, engage him in conversation. Make him explain to you his thinking but DON'T approach it from an accusatory standpoint. Let him teach you - even if you are confident you already know what he is talking about, you will probably hear something in a long winded explanation that you can use to understand him better. If he can't substantiate his position, then he will look like a fool in front of you and will embarrass himself.

If you have a pleasant conversation in this manner, tell him you enjoyed it. He probably did too. Point out how refreshing that was, and then you will have an easier time next time. It will be hard to extend this dynamic into non-business subjects, but e should eventually come around.

Good luck!
 
1 - 12 of 12 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top