Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 4 of 4 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I need help. A little background first, I have had marriage problems for most of my marriage. We have had counseling twice. The last time for 3 years. I finally stopped going because it was no longer helping. I would do my part the counselor would suggest, but my husband would never follow through with his part. Or if he did it was only directly after our appointment, he would follow her instructions that week. After that he stopped until the next appointment and the pattern developed. He only followed the counselors instructions right after our appointments, but never followed though for a longer period of time. After one of our many marriage discussions, I had a break through. The counselor had suggested my husband had Aspergers Syndrome, but never pursued it. I had recently read a book about Aspergers and realized in that discussion,this was my husband. He took a test and confirmed my feelings. That was about a 1 1/2 years ago. Since then I have tried to help him with this, but now uses it as an excuse for the way he is. So, our 25th anniversary was 3 weeks ago. He usually gives me a card and flowers from the grocery store on his way home from work. This year after our 24th I told him I was not going to plan anything, like I have so many times in the past. I said I wanted him to plan something. I gave him numerous suggestions throughout the year. Even a month before I suggested he google "what to do on a 25th Anniversay". So guess what happened. Yep, he came home with a card and flowers from the grocery store (which I had to arrange). He was all proud that he wrote me a poem in the card, instead of his usual canned response. By then I was already mad and in tears. He just didn't get it. He let's his fear paralyze him into inaction. Plus I bought him a gift, which sat unopened until yesterday when I returned it. I' m at my wits end with him. I' m a stay at home mom, no job, and just want out. Help what should I do?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
812 Posts
I sympathize with you. Let's be fair. You let your expectations get the better of you here. You built up your expectations of some fabulous well thought out, well planned and well executed anniversary. Based on his previous track record were you really that surprised when he failed massively to live up to your ideal. I'm not saying that what he did wasn't thoughtless and inconsiderate as I believe a 25th is very special. I'm not suggesting that you lower your expectations either. What I am recommending is that you ask him why after all your prompting and hinting etc that he did not follow through? Express your disappointment as you felt that a 25th is a milestone. Also ask him why his present was unopened.

A little story.
I was at my wife's office one day picking up something. One of her co-workers was standing nearby. I said I'd make dinner tonight. My wife quipped something about how easy that would be without saying thanks or that would be great. Her co-worker said "Wow" "your going to cook dinner" - then looked at my wife and said laughing "You should be happy with whatever he's going to cook it doesn't matter how hard it is to do" ( her husband never cooked ) I left the office smiling.......:)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
Thank you Canadian Guy for your input. I don't believe my expectations were high. I did discuss with my husband that I wasn't expecting a trip to Hawaii or a new car, what would have been nice if he called me and asked me to lunch (he won't call me from work even though its's ok or ask me to lunch which he doesn't do), or make dinner reservations at at restaurant we rarely go to, or even something simple as texting me and saying " I love you and miss you today". And no, I wasn't surprised but hoping beyond hope that one time in 25 years he would put my needs first. I did ask him why he only did as usual, his response was " I don't know what to do". This to is his normal response. People with Aspergers like him have a great deal of trouble dealing with emotional issues, especially when it's some close. At work he can detach himself and make decisions, because there is no emotional attachment. This is why I spent a year giving him suggestions. I also live by the philosophy of leading by example. As far as asking him about the present I did ask and he said" I don' t feel I deserve the present" because he didn't t get me one and did not plan anything. So, I don' t know what more I could have done.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
812 Posts
Perhaps I should clarify. I do not believe your expectations were high as in going to Hawaii or the such. I will submit however that this anniversary foreplay of yours set you up emotionally for a big let down. You had been after all giving him suggestions for almost a year. I suspected that he felt like he didn't deserve your present as he could see he'd let you down horribly.

Give him a list of three things you would like to do to celebrate your anniversary. Ask him to pick one.

Once he picks one ask him to act on it immediately. In other words hand him the phone to make the reservation etc...



Let's not live in the past on this one k?

Just read on another thread you posted.

Erm....no intimacy in three years. As in no sex? Big problem
 
1 - 4 of 4 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top