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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi All -

I am so grateful for the support I have had from this forum -- thank you, all. As some will know, my H and I separated on April 8th when he moved out to "take some space" (married 5 years together 7, no kids). Since then, it has been a real rollercoaster. In an email a couple of weeks ago, he sounded "done" and said we should "start planning for separate lives" starting with selling our condo (where I now live). But after I politely agreed to this and we went ahead and listed the place with a realtor, he sort of back-pedalled, and said, "well, by state law we cannot get divorced for 6 months anyway, so we might as well see how it goes living in our own separate apartments."

We put our condo up for sale weeks ago, and I am moving into an apartment in the building next door on July 14. It is a blessing that things are amicable with my H, and there is not hostility or animousity. However, it has been more than 8 weeks, and he still seems very depressed and stuck – and passive aggressively non-committal. He has not made a move either way towards reconciliation or divorce, and he calls or texts a couple times a week, and we see each other maybe once a week for dinner or an outing.

I know that re-building trust and intimacy takes time, and have done my best to be patient and understanding. But I am starting to detach, emotionally, and feel it is time to draw a boundary. It is not healthy for me to continue in this limbo indefinitely. I have tried to stay positive and optimistic and want to build a healthier, happier future. I have made it clear that would prefer a future with my H and healing our marriage, and am still leaving that door open. However, it takes two to want the relationship to suceed, and I am not comfortable continuing to accept his distancing, rejection and ambivalence/indecision. So once I move out of the condo, I am planning to lovingly draw a boundary so that I can more fully detach and move on. This will include:

1) Thank him for doing his best, and tell I appreciate that he has been working on himself and there is not hostility or animosity. Tell him that as much as I enjoy seeing him and having contact with him, it is too painful for me to remain in a one-sided relationship -- that for my own emotional well-being, I cannot continue to stay bonded romantically to a husband who does not value me and does not show any interest in saving our marriage.

2) Let him know I am aware that the 6 month option for childless no-fault divorce in Virginia actually only applies if there is a legal separation agreement, and asking that this be executed so as to have that option (without it, the waiting period is 12 months).

3) Tell him that I still love him, and remain open to reconciliation if he so chooses, until such time as we should become legally divorced (whether in 6 or 12 months) -- but that I will not be having any further contact with him once I am moved into my new place unless he decides he shows willingness to give the marriage another chance, including the following three actions:

a) Rings back on and dating each other exclusively;
b) As we had for the 7 years that we were together, resumption of some form of at least once-daily contact, be it by phone, email or text (even if just to check in and say “hi”);
c) Agreement to attend at least two couples counseling sessions.

I am not asking for a committment to stay married -- he can still keep that option open if he wants. But these are the things I would need to feel comfortable continuing any contact with him. If he declines, I am ready to accept it. Either way it goes, I feel it is time to lovingly draw a self-protective boundary that will help me move forward with building a new life, including being open to dating others. My only question is how best to deliver the message -- verbally in person at some point, in a printed hard copy letter, or my e-mail.

What do you think? Does this sound unreasonable or asking too much of him too soon? I am just so done with the drama, and ready to move on, with or without him. I feel lighter already :)

It is beautiful weather here and I hope wherever you are, too!

Warm Regards, - A12
 

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Why even bother telling him. He is NOT interested in you at all or he would be contacting you. You giving him "one more chance" only makes you look unattractive. Just stop talking to him period unless it has to do with getting to the settlement agreement. Also, remember in VA adultery is ILLEGAL (class 4 misdemeanor, I am also in VA but in Hampton Roads). Yes, I know it may not be enforced but it is a bar to spousal support. Not sure if you are looking for SS but keep that in mind. I would not recommend not dating anyone until legally divorced.

Read the rules on the 180 and put them into practice. Your STBXH is not interested in you. His action speak louder than his words.
 

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At the moment he is not interested in you -- but it has only been 8 weeks (i know it seems longer). Also, during those 8 weeks -- you both haven't detached from each other -- and appear to have contact.

Only you can decide when is enough -- enough -- but until you detach and and he realizes he misses you (may not happen) will you have a chance to work on a new marriage. This old marriage is dead -- so let it go.

Good luck !!
 

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At the moment he is not interested in you -- but it has only been 8 weeks (i know it seems longer). Also, during those 8 weeks -- you both haven't detached from each other -- and appear to have contact.

Only you can decide when is enough -- enough -- but until you detach and and he realizes he misses you (may not happen) will you have a chance to work on a new marriage. This old marriage is dead -- so let it go.

Good luck !!
I agree....it really sucks, but you have to detach.

You cant be missed until you leave.
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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Married in VA - We do have contact and there is still some level of interest -- sorry, I should have been clearer about this. He calls or emails/texts a couple times a week, and we see each other about once a week, usually for dinner or a sporting event. The love is not dead yet, but I am starting to lose interest and am tired of him giving just barely enough to still keep hope alive but no more. It is all on his terms, and every time after I see him, it stirs up painful feelings because it keeps feeling bonded to him as a wife. I cannot detach properly as long as I continue seeing him and having contact with him, nor am I willing to accept being in indefinite limbo. By cutting off all contact I am drawing a boundary to take care of myself, so I can move on and heal, and expressing what I would need in order to feel comfortable continuing to have any contact with him. I hope this clarifies.

Also, please note that dating is not adultery unless it involves sex, which I would never do casually outside of a committed relationship -- there is nothing wrong with being open to being courted.

Thank you for your feedback!
 

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"Also, please note that dating is not adultery unless it involves sex, which I would never do casually outside of a committed relationship -- there is nothing wrong with being open to being courted."

You are kidding right ?? This last sentence is a joke ??

Don't you think you should look at yourself -- and see how you contributed to the break down of your marriage. I say that so that you don't run into the same problem later in life --- either with your husband -- new bf or new husband.

This of course is just my opinion !!
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
jh52 - Can you please clarify what you would find incredulous about that particular sentence? Yes, courtship exists. Have you not heard of it? Courtship is 'I want to get to know you, and am open to possible romance,' vs. 'I am looking to hook up.'

You have a right to your opinion, but please be aware you are making uninformed judgements based on zero knowledge about me or my situation. You have no idea. I have already done no end of brutal self-examination and am crystal clear about what has happened to our marriage and my part in it, and my husband is aware of his part as well. I am past the part where I beat myself up endlessly about what happened -- I take full responsibility for my part, and am not gpoing to be either a victim or a child. I am moving forward with a positive, healthly new life, with or without my H.


Wiigirl - How can he miss me when we still see each other, and talk several times a week? That is the point of cutting off all contact, then he can see if he misses me or not, and either way I will be better able to detach and move on. Does this clarify?
 

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jh52 - Can you please clarify what you would find incredulous about that particular sentence? Yes, courtship exists. Have you not heard of it? Courtship is 'I want to get to know you, and am open to possible romance,' vs. 'I am looking to hook up.'

You have a right to your opinion, but please be aware you are making uninformed judgements based on zero knowledge about me or my situation. You have no idea. I have already done no end of brutal self-examination and am crystal clear about what has happened to our marriage and my part in it, and my husband is aware of his part as well. I am past the part where I beat myself up endlessly about what happened -- I take full responsibility for my part, and am not gpoing to be either a victim or a child. I am moving forward with a positive, healthly new life, with or without my H.


Wiigirl - How can he miss me when we still see each other, and talk several times a week? That is the point of cutting off all contact, then he can see if he misses me or not, and either way I will be better able to detach and move on. Does this clarify?
Hi Awakening -- You seem to know exactly what you want -- and I just expressed my surprise that a "married" woman would think that in 2012 dating would not eventuallly lead to more. You are absolutely 100% correct on the definition of adultery -- but I think you looking for courtship from another man while married or separated is just asking for trouble. If you can't wait for courtship to start -- then please divorce your husband. When two people meet and start dating, there is a connection and bond that forms -- usually pretty quickly -- and from my experience sex gets involved fairly quickly. This is still different the hooking up for a ONS -- but I believe that if you find a guy to "court" you -- the relationship will go to the next level. You think I an judging you -- I am not -- just trying to give you a male perspective.
 

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Well, I think your comments are very judgmental and a teensy bit hidebound.

Awakening, you are doing great. Love ya, hon.
 

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Useless...
Hi A12,hope this isn't how you're feeling.I think you've got a good plan and I think you're doing great.As far as presenting it to your husband,maybe it's best you do it face to face.At least you'll be able to gauge his immediate reaction to it.You might also ask him if you can speak your peace without interruption otherwise it might end up with some verbal jousting going on.Wishing you well and I hope you get the resolution you're looking for in this stuck point in your life.Let us know how it goes.

Regards,TBT
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Hi All -

I will hold off on that conversation until we sort of the joint project of clearing out our condo, and getting it sold, and me resettled in my new place, and see how I feel and how things are going at that point. He is kindly taking my to the Nats-Yankees game tomorrow, so I can be out of the condo during the open house showing. I am going to just focus on enjoying a beautiful day at the ballpark and express appreciation for his taking me out. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and doing the next right thing -- being in the moment and not getting into fears of the future or regrets of the past. Thanks again for the kind feedback!

I went on a most beautiful yoga boat cruise this moning, and it was
delightful and uplifting :) I need to get out more and do those kinds of nurturing social things.

Cheers, A12
 

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Awakening,
Legally you are correct in that a sex act is required to commit the crime of adultery in VA. Being married, dating is morally REPUGNANT and has no place in the life of a married person period.

In order for you to heal, you are on the right track. In order to detach emotionally contact must be limited, hence the 180 rules. I had the same problem with my STBXW which is why I limit contact to things related to the kids only.

It seems like your H is keeping you around as a back up. Draw your boundary and stop this behavior.
 

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Oh, c'mon, MiVA. Child porn is MORALLY REPUGNANT. Bilking people out of their life savings is MORALLY REPUGNANT. Human trafficking, where women from poor countries are shipped over in containers on cargo ships with a bucket in the corner is MORALLY REPUGNANT.

Dating while you are waiting for your divorce to become final is not morally repugnant. You may not agree with that choice, but it's hardly a heinous crime.

A little perspective, please.
 
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