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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello,
I'm new to this forum -thing and in fact, this is the first time I've ever posted anything, ever! I'm just a late bloomer I guess.

I am in a brand new marriage to a good man on Oct 20; I have three children (7,5,3) from a previous marriage and he has three children (16, 13, 9) from a previous marriage. He is 'friends' with his ex, who left him for another man a few years ago. They live in the same town and talk, see each other, drive to each others' houses every day, usually for something to do with the kids. He states that they are just friends for the kids, but it's been tough.

I've already asked him to respect new boundaries when we were engaged when he attended dinner with her (at her home) and the kids while I was in the next town over. He said he would. She no longer just 'walks in' to our home and hangs out but has the oldest text or otherwise alert me (she used to use the house before my move in after marriage to 'do her roots' and other things)

Well, tonight is Christmas Eve. I just called my husband from work (I work a professional position that has to stay available 24 hours per day) and he is on his way to her house for Christmas Eve and dinner. I need to explain that my husband is a quiet guy but slightly passive aggressive and can be emotionally closed off. When 'asking' this of me "honey I would like to go to Amy's* house to have christmas dinner, may I go?"...when I looked uncomfortable he then said, 'It's all right I can just stay here....by mysellllllffff....'' He knew I had no other right answer besides, 'sure' which put me in a terrible and uncomfortable position. To make matters worse, Amy* also called me asking the same thing. In addition, both he and she at different times and places asked if we could go over to her house and celebrate Christmas morning! My first Christmas! This time I as politely as I could said no. My new husband did complain about this, stating, 'it would be so the kids could open presents', and also said, 'well, I guess we can open the presents we got them here and just send the presents they got for each other over to Amy's*'. He said this almost mournfully and I felt terrible.

I don't know what to do. It is ruining my Christmas and what's worse I have to drive home at midnight and I am so sad, I don't even want to pretend that everything is all right. My husband is a good man but passive aggressive and doesn't seem to respect my already-articulated boundaries and I am left feeling like a terrible person. I am just so sad and alone-feeling....is there anyone that can offer advice. He has friends he could spend Christmas with, he didn't have to hint that unless I said yes he would be 'all alone'. I would very much appreciate it.

Sincerely, Gwen
 

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I understand how you feel and I would be upset myself. I think it's normal to feel that way. My question is do you trust him? If so, I wouldn't worry to much about tonight, but I do think that the two of you need to talk to someone who can help the two of you come up with a way to set boundaries and be respectful of each others feelings.

I say this because even when there are not children involved this can still be an issue. My mom thought it would be a great idea for her new husband and his ex wife to be friends. Soon after they married, they started working on that and while its great that they no longer hate each other, it has caused a ton of jealousy and heartache for my mom. He is always comparing, complaining and everything. He will ask mom for help with something, then turn around and call his ex and ask the same thing. He talks about her, calls her several times a day and swims at her house everyday in the summer.

Set boundaries. No way in hell would I live like that. When children are involved there will be times when they have to talk and such, but I see no need in a dinner unless you are there too. I could be wrong, but that's just how I feel about it.
 

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Sheesh, i hate to say it, but it sounds like he is still on love with her. Thats not a normal relationship. They divorced for a reason, did she divorce him? I think you said she did.

Nope, not normal behavior.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Yes, he is there with the kids Maneo; he had his kids for these two weeks over Christmas so he never would have 'been alone'. He brought them over there and even as I type this they are together at her home. sooooo confused...He knows I'm not comfortable with this but did it anyway. I don't feel he respects or even validate my feelings on this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
oh yes sorry...no my kids are down here with me and being watched; I will pick them up after work (yes, at midnight!)
 

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I'm not in position to comment much, since I don't have kids of my own and I'm sure you beat me out by age, but reading your post to me it really does not seem fair. Why is Christmass eve with ex wife more important then Christmass eve with new wife ? How long do you keep putting it on kids ? C'mon man.

So he is with his kids, you are with your kids. At what point are your kids his kids too. I could maybe excuse him for a qucik "open the gifts, spend an hour" but thats about it.

Thats just my opinion. Sorry that you are going thru this.
 

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I know that the OP doesnt want to hear this, i wouldnt either..... Bit hes over there because thats where he WANTS to be. To be with what he considers his family. He still considers them his family. And is most likely still pining for his ex. Its just my opinion, i could be wrong, but its what hes choosing and theres a reason for it......im just posting my opinion of it.

To the OP, how long was he divorced before you met? Who initiated the divorce? Who was the dominant person in YOUR relationship? Who said i love you first, who talked of marriage first? In other words, who did most of the pursuing or was it even up...... I know those are a lot of questions, but if looked at objectively can lead to a lot of answers as to why he is behaving this way.

Then again, is he from a divorced home? Perhaps he feels so much guilt that he will do anything for his kids. Lots of people like that, they let their kids run their lives, thats just an alternate possibility.....
 

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oh yes sorry...no my kids are down here with me and being watched; I will pick them up after work (yes, at midnight!)
Oh heck no! He should be with your kids since they are supposed to be in your care at the moment. No way would I pay for a baby sitter when I have a husband at home that could be with them instead of at his ex wife's house. Especially on Christmas Eve, and especially with me getting off at midnight. There would be a big time conversation going on about this and he would know that I was not happy. :mad:
 

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Hello,
I'm new to this forum -thing and in fact, this is the first time I've ever posted anything, ever! I'm just a late bloomer I guess.

I am in a brand new marriage to a good man on Oct 20; I have three children (7,5,3) from a previous marriage and he has three children (16, 13, 9) from a previous marriage. He is 'friends' with his ex, who left him for another man a few years ago. They live in the same town and talk, see each other, drive to each others' houses every day, usually for something to do with the kids. He states that they are just friends for the kids, but it's been tough.

I've already asked him to respect new boundaries when we were engaged when he attended dinner with her (at her home) and the kids while I was in the next town over. He said he would. She no longer just 'walks in' to our home and hangs out but has the oldest text or otherwise alert me (she used to use the house before my move in after marriage to 'do her roots' and other things)

Well, tonight is Christmas Eve. I just called my husband from work (I work a professional position that has to stay available 24 hours per day) and he is on his way to her house for Christmas Eve and dinner. I need to explain that my husband is a quiet guy but slightly passive aggressive and can be emotionally closed off. When 'asking' this of me "honey I would like to go to Amy's* house to have christmas dinner, may I go?"...when I looked uncomfortable he then said, 'It's all right I can just stay here....by mysellllllffff....'' He knew I had no other right answer besides, 'sure' which put me in a terrible and uncomfortable position. To make matters worse, Amy* also called me asking the same thing. In addition, both he and she at different times and places asked if we could go over to her house and celebrate Christmas morning! My first Christmas! This time I as politely as I could said no. My new husband did complain about this, stating, 'it would be so the kids could open presents', and also said, 'well, I guess we can open the presents we got them here and just send the presents they got for each other over to Amy's*'. He said this almost mournfully and I felt terrible.

I don't know what to do. It is ruining my Christmas and what's worse I have to drive home at midnight and I am so sad, I don't even want to pretend that everything is all right. My husband is a good man but passive aggressive and doesn't seem to respect my already-articulated boundaries and I am left feeling like a terrible person. I am just so sad and alone-feeling....is there anyone that can offer advice. He has friends he could spend Christmas with, he didn't have to hint that unless I said yes he would be 'all alone'. I would very much appreciate it.

Sincerely, Gwen
Gwen, it's a little too much and frankly weird as hell. Parental partner fine. Emotional connection not fine. I was amacle with my ex and for the same reasons as your husband says. But seeing her every day would have been nuts. That's what the phone is for. You mentioned boundaries but you didn't say what they are. Mine would be "She's the mother of your children and you work with her in that regard but she's NOT your BFF".

I don't know. He can justify all kind of overboard things in the name of his children but I had way too much respect for my wife to be this chummy with my ex.
 

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It's time to make new traditions. Time to make the blended family BLEND. There are books and web sites to help.

His kids aren't toddlers. He doesn't need to spend the whole time with them. There should/could be Christmas at Dad's and Christmas at Mom's.

After the holiday, start discussing new traditions that will work for your family. Focus on the whole family.
 

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I think this is a symptom of "child centric" raising. He is trying to protect them from the divorce. In my opinion this style of parenting often doesn't respect psychology and is harmful to the kids.

The reality is that mom and dad divorced and it's that simple. They don't hate each other but they divorced none the less. He cannot protect them from this fact and I hope he doesn't think he can protect them from everything else life throws at them. If he does then you may be feeding these little guys for a long long time.
 

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My ex-h and I are very good friends. Our divorce was amicable and we remained on good terms for the sake of our two children.

I consider him to be one of my closest friends. He spends xmas with us, children's birthdays etc.

That said, I NEVER spend time alone with him, or even him and the children. My husband is always with us. Not because I think either me or the ex can't be trusted, but out of respect and love for my husband.

Boundaries - I can't stress this enough.

If my husband said he was in any way uncomfortable with my ex being involved in this way, he (ex) would be waved a hasty goodbye and different boundaries would be discussed.
Hubby and ex get on very well together, but hubby is in the driving seat on this one - what he says goes.
If he wants the ex gone, the ex is gone.
 

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Oh no! I would NOT be okay with this at all! You guys need to sit down and set some boundaries--fast, if he wants this marriage to last. I'm more bothered that this is clearly upsetting you and he's not doing anything about it. You two are married, he should have brought your kids along to his ex's house instead of having you pick them up yourself at midnight. Ugh.

Some really good points were made by Twofaces. It does sound as if he is pining for her still, considers her and his kids his "family" still. You did say she cheated on him, right? So she probably initiated the divorce?

I'm all for co-parents being just that--co parents. My boyfriend and his ex-wife are civil, but that's where it ends. Everything they talk about pertains to his son. They're not friends, and I don't think I'd like it if they were.
 

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Two questions I need to ask.
Why did you marry him
Why did you divorce his wife, since they seem to spend a lot of time together.
His responsibility is to you as his wife and your children, with his children coming round when possible.
His wife should never be in your house, you should have laid down these rules before getting married.
You need to have a serious talk with this very selfish man and you should never have said it was alright for him to go to his X and leave your kids on their own, what a cheek.
You really do have to put your foot down,if you allow this early on in your marriage it will be hell later on believe me.
 

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hmmmm red flags. Like others have said, he is there because he wants to be. It takes a lot longer for an emotional divorce to happen than it does for a physical one. For your family to start to "blend" your husband needs to emotionally divorce himself from his ex wife and see your new "family unit" as his priority.

I don't see anything wrong with him dropping in so they can open presents, thats perfectly normal, to spend entire evenings there and have cosy dinners, hmmm not so acceptable.
 
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