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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Ok, so my mom is driving me nuts and I need to find a way to confront her without making her feel bad.

I'm 29 and I live far away from home, and have so since I was 18, so I don't see my mom very often. However, I'm here on vacation for about 10 days, and I have gotten to the point where I can only stand to be around my mom for like 3 days before I start wanting to go back home, and I HATE it. I want to not be all annoyed by her but god she drives me nuts when I'm around her in person for this long. I sometimes don't actually want to come here because of how insane she drives me sometimes but that also makes me feel bad.

Here's the problem,

1) I'm kind of an introvert and she is a huge huge extrovert, and even when I tell her that I need an hour or so of quiet time to myself, I'm staying with them and she never stops talking to me, not for even a few minutes. I try to sit quietly on the couch and read, or play a game, but she just talks and talks and TALKS and even silence from me (which feels rude) doesn't make it stop. I just don't know how to get her to STOP TALKING ALL THE TIME. She wants me to see all the stuff she's looking at on the internet, she wants to gossip (more about this one later), she wants to talk about TV shows I've never seen, it never stops. If I do watch tv with her she'll talk during the entire show, so I always just say "no, I don't feel like watching TV right now."

2) She constantly wants me to be exactly like her. Straighten my hair (I love my curly hair), dress like her (I like how I dress), eat her vegan food (it's disgusting and I HATE the fake cheese stuff), watch all the shows she likes (I don't have tv back home and I told her I only like to watch documentaries and sports), talk about celebrities (I don't follow hollywood), and go out and see a million people every day even though I asked her at the beginning of my trip not to schedule more than one thing a day for me.

3) she gossips and says bad things about all her friends, and mine too. I hate gossip and I've told her before I don't like talking badly about our friends, but she can't stop. I freakin hate it. I also know she gossips about me when I'm away which makes me feel bad because I also know she wants me to be more like her and I DONT WANT TO.

4) I'd actually prefer to stay in a hotel but I know it would hurt her feelings. It completely pisses her off when she visits me and I ask her to stay in a hotel, even when I offer to pay for it. I do this for a couple of reasons, 1) my husband and I have a tiny 1 bedroom apartment, and 2) we really just both go nuts with anyone staying in our home for an extended period of time. We're quiet people and even with guests around that we love, we just don't want to see them 24/7. We both need our quiet time at night to unwind.

5) The internet here in her house is limited, they have only so much bandwidth. I showed my mom how much you tube videos use, and I've said multiple times that if we go over the bandwidth, I won't be able to speak with my husband. I don't have a cell phone due to budget issues, and he was unable to come on this trip because of work. I need the internet to not run out during this trip so I can talk to him. I miss him, I want to talk to him at night, but even though she keeps saying she won't watch any more videos while I'm here, she STILL KEEPS DOING IT. I've told her it uses huge amounts of the bandwidth, and finally I had to guilt her into it by pointing out that I miss my husband and I will be VERY UPSET if I can't talk to him at all. She's really very selfish sometimes and it pisses me off. I told her that her you tube videos and internet fun are not as important as me saying good night to my husband every night, but she still keeps DOING it.

I don't know what to do. She isn't very good at admitting she's wrong and I've tried to be direct about these things, but it just isn't working. I'm upset.

I am very different than her, I understand that, and I do try to listen to some of the hollywood stuff, laugh at her jokes and humor her on some of the TV shows. The problem is that there is no reciprocation. She doesn't respect my quiet personality, nor does she try to understand it. Today we visited my aunt and then went to a large party, and when we got home I said "man I'm tired, that was a lot of socializing. I want to sit here and play my game and relax" and her response was "That wasn't that much socializing at all!!" And all I could say was "well ok, maybe not for you, but it was for me." She then proceeded to talk to me for 2 hours from the kitchen about what she was doing on the internet. She kept trying to make me get up and look but I told her I was tired and not feeling well (true).

I want her to at least try, she doesn't have to like what I like or anything. I don't even bother talking about what I like because she doesn't care. I actually enjoy many of the things my dad likes, but she always refers to his documentaries and history channel shows as "those boring and stupid things dad watches", which just offends me because I like that stuff too. I don't call her stuff stupid because she just gets indignant (which is to be expected when someone insults something you like!!!). She knows I like science shows and history, I've talked about it a little bit, but it's like she pretends I don't and that I like what she likes. Or that if I would just see the light and like what she likes my life would be better or something? (my life is fine, I like it).

She wants me to have more friends, but I don't like having more than a couple friends. I am happy with how my life is and I've told her on many occasions that I don't want or need more than 2 or 3 close friends. She also is VERY upset that I'm considering not having children, and has said to me "you don't know how wonderful it is to have one until you do," and "you will regret it when you're older" and "I just think it would be sad if you didn't have any at all" and "I think you and your husband would have such a beautiful and smart baby!" and "Who will take care of you when you get old if you don't have kids?"

I understand why she wants a grandchild, but this is a private decision between my husband and I, and I am so tired of hearing about it from her, because she makes me feel terrible, like I'm letting her down or something!

Why can't my mom just accept me for who and how I am and not be this way :( How can I survive this trip and actually want to come back again? On previous trips I've just sucked it up and dealt with it, but by the end of the trip I always feel miserable and end up crying. I've been more assertive with her on this one, trying to set boundaries, but she still is trying to break them and isn't letting me do it.

I don't know what else I can do! I have given her heart to hearts on other issues before....a few years ago I asked her to please call or email me sometimes so that I didn't have to always be the one who called, because it makes me unhappy that she never actually makes an effort to contact me. If I don't call or write, we'd probably never talk, but she wouldn't do it, no matter how much I begged or cried. I was trying to have a better relationship with her and also get her to act like she actually wanted to talk to me, and I know she does, she just wants me to be the one who calls all the time and not her. I can be a little hard to get ahold of because of work, but it would be nice to get an email, a facebook message, or a voicemail now and then from her. It didn't work though so I gave up, and now I just call once a week on Sunday.

I know that last issue sounds a little backwards because when I'm here she does nothing but yak at me, but when I'm away and she refuses to do any sort of reaching out, I feel like she doesn't care about me or my feelings, and when I'm here and she doesn't try to understand my personality or likes, I feel the exact same way. It just makes me so sad, AND it makes me cranky at her which sucks too. I want to talk and interact with her SOMETIMES on this trip but not every single freakin second of it, but if I tell her that it'll just hurt her feelings.
 

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Can you leave the house for a while each day to get your quiet time?

How about telling her that you want to get a lot of rest on this trip and then say you will take a nap.. then go to the room you are saying in and read there.


Was she like this when you were younger? Or is this new behavior since you moved away?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 · (Edited)
Can you leave the house for a while each day to get your quiet time?

How about telling her that you want to get a lot of rest on this trip and then say you will take a nap.. then go to the room you are saying in and read there.


Was she like this when you were younger? Or is this new behavior since you moved away?
I like the nap idea, I may try that. Also going out might be a good idea too. I could go to a restaurant or something for lunch and just read for a while there.

Unfortunately she has always been this way, at least in trying to mold me into her mini-me. She used to buy me Seventeen magazines so I could "learn how to be a teenager" and would say things to me like "knowing about pop culture is important if you want to fit in!"

She also once took away a favorite sock monkey I had when I was a child because it was too gross and it embarrassed her. I only found out about this from my grandma a few years ago, and she thought I knew, so she was really upset when she found out I DIDN'T know. I never shared that one with my mom. She did end up getting me a new sock monkey the next day because I completely freaked out (I was only 6). She originally told me I must have lost it and I tore apart my entire room that day looking for it, and was completely inconsolable until I got a new one. She could have just given me back the old gross one, but she gave me a new clean one instead. I guess she still didn't want to be embarassed.

All of that stuff really hurt my self-esteem...I actually never stopped sleeping with a sock monkey, even to this day.

What I really wanted was to read video game magazines and learn about dinosaurs and read National Geographic, but she would only give me the things she thought I should have, rather than what I asked for. Birthday and xmas presents from her are always clothes she thinks I "need" and books about stuff she is interested in, not what I've asked for. I've even tried getting her to just give me gift cards if she's going to buy me anything at all, but she refuses, saying it "isn't fun and not personal enough". I know it's her decision what to buy me for gifts, but on top of all the other stuff it just doesn't seem like she even knows or cares what I like, or thinks there is something wrong with it.

I knew I was different than the other kids but I was pretty happy with the things I liked (and still am), but she's never been able to accept that I am not like her at all. I'm a lot like my dad and he and I can have great fun watching football together or hanging out in the garage or talking about nature and space. I'm female, but I am totally a tomboy and don't have much interest at all in fashion or celebrities, despite my mom's efforts over the years.
 

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One day she will be gone and trust me you will miss her then.

5) The internet here in her house is limited, they have only so much bandwidth. I showed my mom how much you tube videos use, and I've said multiple times that if we go over the bandwidth, I won't be able to speak with my husband. I don't have a cell phone due to budget issues, and he was unable to come on this trip because of work. I need the internet to not run out during this trip so I can talk to him. I miss him, I want to talk to him at night, but even though she keeps saying she won't watch any more videos while I'm here, she STILL KEEPS DOING IT. I've told her it uses huge amounts of the bandwidth, and finally I had to guilt her into it by pointing out that I miss my husband and I will be VERY UPSET if I can't talk to him at all. She's really very selfish sometimes and it pisses me off. I told her that her you tube videos and internet fun are not as important as me saying good night to my husband every night, but she still keeps DOING it.
Who is being selfish here? It is her house. If you miss your husband then get a phone with txt or a phone card or something. If you miss him that much then work it out. Why can't he call you?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 · (Edited)
One day she will be gone and trust me you will miss her then.



Who is being selfish here? It is her house. If you miss your husband then get a phone with txt or a phone card or something. If you miss him that much then work it out. Why can't he call you?
Why do you think I'm here asking for advice? I want to improve my relationship with her, and not feel this way every time I visit. If your advice is to just suck it up and live with it well...I can't. I cry every time I visit and I don't want to do it anymore.


The phone/internet thing....I'm poor, ok? I spent all my money to come out here and we can't afford to have a cell phone in our day to day lives. It's expensive for me to travel at Christmas, but I do it because I know my mom loves to see me this time of year. Even if I had a cell phone it wouldn't have reception here because no cell phones work at my parents house. My mom knows I spent over $2000 to come out here and that I don't have as much money as she and my dad do, I can't help it.

A phone card might work, maybe next time, but that's still like 50 more bucks or more, when all my mom really has to do is not watch cat videos for like 5 more days. My husband is 2000 miles away in our home in Canada, and it's not cheap to make phone calls to or from there. My mom gets upset when I try to stay in a hotel (which I'm willing to spend a little more money on if needed to reduce inconvenience for everyone), but she won't let me, so I can't use the internet there. That means my choices are: her internet, or expensive, fairly unnecessary phone card. Next time I'm just going to do the stupid phone card and let her watch her videos so it isn't something we fight about I guess, I just wish she'd give up one little thing so I could have easy contact with my husband without paying even more than I already do (since she won't let me pay for a hotel. I'd RATHER pay for that then a stupid card).

I haven't asked her to change anything else about her internet habits, I've just asked her politely not to play videos while I'm here because the bandwidth is low. My dad has also asked her not to, and I installed a bunch of stuff on their computer to help them not have ads and other scripts so they can do more with it in other ways, and once I'm gone she should be able to watch MORE videos.

The work I did should improve their usage by at least 200%, maybe more. I spent about 3 hours fixing their computer for them and removing spyware because they asked me to, and all I really want in return is for mom to stop watching stuff for a couple days.

Maybe you think I'm a selfish brat who doesn't appreciate her mom. Ok fine, but at least give me some advice instead of making me feel more like crap. I already cry way too much when I visit here, and I hate that I get upset with my mom because I know she's going to be gone someday. I want to feel GOOD when I come here, not bad.
 

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I like the nap idea, I may try that. Also going out might be a good idea too. I could go to a restaurant or something for lunch and just read for a while there.

Unfortunately she has always been this way, at least in trying to mold me into her mini-me. She used to buy me Seventeen magazines so I could "learn how to be a teenager" and would say things to me like "knowing about pop culture is important if you want to fit in!"

She also once took away a favorite sock monkey I had when I was a child because it was too gross and it embarrassed her. I only found out about this from my grandma a few years ago, and she thought I knew, so she was really upset when she found out I DIDN'T know. I never shared that one with my mom. She did end up getting me a new sock monkey the next day because I completely freaked out (I was only 6). She originally told me I must have lost it and I tore apart my entire room that day looking for it, and was completely inconsolable until I got a new one. She could have just given me back the old gross one, but she gave me a new clean one instead. I guess she still didn't want to be embarassed.

All of that stuff really hurt my self-esteem...I actually never stopped sleeping with a sock monkey, even to this day.

What I really wanted was to read video game magazines and learn about dinosaurs and read National Geographic, but she would only give me the things she thought I should have, rather than what I asked for. Birthday and xmas presents from her are always clothes she thinks I "need" and books about stuff she is interested in, not what I've asked for. I've even tried getting her to just give me gift cards if she's going to buy me anything at all, but she refuses, saying it "isn't fun and not personal enough".

I knew I was different than the other kids but I was pretty happy with the things I liked (and still am), but she's never been able to accept that I am not like her at all. I'm a lot like my dad and he and I can have great fun watching football together or hanging out in the garage or talking about nature and space. I'm female, but I am totally a tomboy and don't have much interest at all in fashion or celebrities, despite my mom's efforts over the years.
My mom was a lot like yours in that she talked constantly. Now my mom loved documentaries, science, the arts, etc. So it was a bit easier to put up with the talking because she was so well educated and knowledgeable.

Just hang in there and take a lot of naps, walks, etc
 

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My mom was a lot like yours in that she talked constantly. Now my mom loved documentaries, science, the arts, etc. So it was a bit easier to put up with the talking because she was so well educated and knowledgeable.

Just hang in there and take a lot of naps, walks, etc
I have nothing to offer but a hug. My mom is gone now but we were like two peas in a pod. We laughed at same jokes enjoyed the same things. I think that's why your story makes me so sad because I couldn't imagine not having been close to her. I am close with my daughter too but I don't pressure her. Thank you for reminder that kids aren't mini-me's but individuals.
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But OP you are prepared to pay for a hotel and pay for hers when she comes to you. Why not just spend a few dollars on finding a way to communicate with your husband, way cheaper than paying for a hotel which you are prepared to do.
 
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