[KnK]

My mother in law did not have a good relationship with anyone. She didn't like me and pushed her son away because of me and constantly hurt him. He was so angry with her one day he yelled and called her pathetic and said that he was done with her. About a week later she died. This was June 25th so it's only been a few months. My husband ended up going to work that night thinking it would help to just keep busy. Ever since then he acts fine but I know he is hurting inside. Not only did his last words to his mother have to be harsh and out of anger , he also had a lot of childhood resentment toward her that was never worked through.

The advice I need is what can I do. I want so badly to make him feel better and fix things but I don't know how. So far I try to not talk about it and I have been holding my tongue about things around the house or his attitude. I don't know if letting him get away with being rude and impatient with our family is good or not. I need help. I don't know whether to live like everyday and just be there when he wants to talk or slack up on him and just brush off things he may say or do ??

 

[exhaustedwife]

It's normal for people to feel guilty when someone dies.

. . .I think that maybe you should give him some time to accept it, but ask if he can just be nice about it and maybe express his feelings in a different way. . . maybe write a letter to her, and send it off in a balloon?

 

[KnK]

thanks I will try and talk to him about it.

 

[dormant]

Men tend to hybernate like bears. When we are hurting, all we really want is time to work it out in our minds. If I were him, I would probably be acting the same. We are strange animals!

 

[Corpuswife]

Just talk to him and tell him that you love him and are there for him! When he is ready, he may talk.

 

[forevermemorable]

KnK, my mother passed away at age 51, due to complications from kidney failure. My mother had a rough 10 years of dealing with this failure, so it was expected that she would not live to an old age and it was great to see her not suffer anymore. AND I know exactly where she is, so that brought the greatest comfort in the world to me. But, the only family I have had is my mother and older brother. My dad took off when I was young and I did not see him for 13 years and even then, it was a very shallow relationship. So, loosing my mom was the hardest thing for me to ever go through.

I really did not get to say goodbye to my mother or get to hear her say her last words to me of encouragement and advice for the future. Lets see, my wife was there for me as much as possible, without many words. She just loved on me and was very sympathetic. I understand that we all deal with loss in our own way. I think your husband is in denial and wants to try and forget his mother, but deep down, this is not possible and is the reason why he is moody and critical. Don't take anything personal, because it is not directed at you. And I would venture to say that your husband is really mad at himself for how his relationship with his mother ended. That is a huge weight for anyone to live with, even if the relationship was rocky (as with the case of your husband's mother).

Show your husband extra love and encouragement. Be there for him, if she desire to talk with you, but don't force him to get anything off his chest and don't nag him about it...very very bad. Nagging is always bad by a wife!

Time heals all wounds! This is just going to take time for your husband's sorrow to heal...maybe a good year. Don't rush him at all. I will be praying for the two of you.

 

[forevermemorable]

How are you two doing?

 

[LearningLifeQDay]

If he feels up to it please talk to him and try to rehash the 'good' memories he has of her. Try to elicit stories or times that bring a smile to his face. He must hold some pleasant memories from his younger years. I mean what she liked to cook, maybe she had a nickname for him, or whatever...Maybe he'll come out with some toxic situations, but he'd be communicating and on the path to healing. It'll also help the relationship by showing him you care enough to listen to him regardless of the outcome.