[dev01]

Hi all,

This is my first post here, and I am just hoping to get some third party/unbiased advice and perspective about my marriage.

A month ago my husband sat down with me and told me he needed to leave the marriage. That he was unhappy, had been unhappy for awhile and that he loved me, but was no longer in love with me. While I knew our marriage was not perfect, this was a complete shock. I had no idea he was not happy, no idea he was considering divorce. In fact, that was the first time the "d" word had been brought up EVER. I was, understandably, devastated. We have been married for 6 years and have been with him since I was 21 years old (he is 33, just for reference, and I am now 29).

After the talk he left and went to spend the night with friends. The following day we talked more and he agreed to seek counceling and not make any permanant decisions for at least 30 days - I was wondering if he might be suffering from depression or something along those lines. He slept on the couch for a week, and things were super ackward. But slowly we started getting into a rhythm again. He came back to bed. We started making plans and going and doing things together. We laughed and held hands. He even said that he was feeling much more optimistic about our marriage. He bought tickets to a concert in March - for us to attend together.

Then last night he told me that he is no longer sexually attracted to me, and that he is not arroused by me. He cried when he told me, and told me that he loves me very much, but he does not want to have sex with me. I have gained a lot of weight since we were married, so I get it. I know he is not doing it to be an ass. Unfortunately I have struggled with an eating disorder for many years and have a condition (PCOS) that makes weightloss hard. I am in counseling for myself and my eating issues, and am determined to lose the weight. But do you think my marriage can be saved?

We fight, but not all the time. I would say a healthy amount. We are best friends, and have a blast all the time.
No infidelity.
Same life goals for the most part and same outlook on life, religion, politics ect (with enough very minor differences to make it interesting)

I am just so lost. My marriage was always something I thought I could count on. I just don't know where to go from here.

 

[wiigirl]

I really dont have any advice but to stick with counseling. It was the best thing I ever did during my divorce.

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[southern wife]

Is he having an affair?

 

[dev01]

I do not believe he is having an affair. No gut feeling, and no signs that I can think of, other than the obvious lack of sex.

Like I said, we are still 100% best friends and spend a lot of time together. And despite the revelation that he is not attracted to me, he is going to keep going to counseling and he says he still wants to work on it for now. I doubt that would be the case if he was cheating. There have been many nights we have lied in bed, held each other, and cried within the last couple of weeks.

 

[southern wife]

That does not mean he's not cheating, or at least thinking about it. JMO

 

[dev01]

I promise I am not delusional in that respect. In fact, one of the first things I asked him is if there was someone else or if he had been cheating on me. I just have no reason to think that is the case...yet. If anything changes I will certainlly re-evaluate.

I love my husband very much, and want this to work more than anything. But I am also independent enough and with the financial resources to live on my own if need be. Cheating would not fly.

 

[southern wife]

Does he text alot?

Does he hide his phone? Is it password protected?

Is he on the computer alot?

Does he go into another room, or outside, to talk on his phone?

Does he work late? Go to work early? Travel?

 

[turnera]

He's cheating on you.

 

[southern wife]

He's cheating on you.

But....but...she asked and he said NO!

 

[dev01]

Does he text a lot? No - and I have access to all phone records. And have checked.

Does he hide his phone? Is it password protected? His phone is password protected, but I have the password. Never hides it.

Is he on the computer alot? On his phone a lot, but we both are.

Does he go into another room, or outside, to talk on his phone? Nope.

Does he work late? Go to work early? Travel? No (I am the one with the long work hours). Does not travel for work either. He leaves for work before me, but his hours are earlier than mine.

 

[turnera]

Just replace cheating for MLC and he for she...

Chapter 1 – Choosing the correct speech
These are the basic speeches for you to choose from:

I care for you, but I don’t love you anymore.
I love you but I’m not in love with you (ILYBINILWY)
I don’t know what I want.
I haven’t been happy for the last 10/15/20/30 years (depends on the day).
You will never change.
It’s not you. It’s me.
I wouldn’t choose you any more.

Chapter 2 – Lessons in building anxiety
You will find these lessons to be helpful in causing anxiety in your spouse and others (depending on the level of pain and damage you want to cause), not just prior to giving the speech, but throughout your MLC.

Lesson 1 – Monstrification of Your Spouse
This is easy to accomplish. Simply think of only the “bad” things that your spouse has done throughout your entire relationship. Have one of those “angel” spouses? No problem, just remember how bad she always makes you feel. DO NOT under any circumstances remember fondly your spouse, or anything they have done for you.

Lesson 3 – Mass Confusion and Indecision
This lesson requires a little more thought and attention. You must constantly practice saying “I don’t know” to ANY and ALL questions. That is imperative! Your spouse (and others) must never know precisely what is going on inside your head. If pressed for a definitive answer, start yelling back “I don’t know” louder until they stop asking.

Lesson 4 – Lies and Deceit
To get the most damage, and cause the most pain, you must lie and deceive at every opportunity. And to really achieve Hall of Fame status, you should be very inept at it, so that everyone knows that you are lying, or suspects, but can’t prove it initially. This works very well for the following chapters on the Other Person and Cake Eating.

Chapter 3 – The Other Person (OP)
Now it is time for you to succumb to temptation. You KNOW all of those other men want you! It is time for you to give them their chance at having some of you. Make sure that you leave a very confusing trail for your spouse to follow. One that lets them suspect, but have to dig and sneak (to make them feel worse about themselves) to find the information they need to prove it. Hold out admitting the affair as long as you can, and don’t admit it ever, if you can get away with it.

For extra fun, choose one of your girlfriend’s husbands.

Chapter 14 – The Blame Game
By now, you should be aware that all of this MUST be your spouse’s fault. After all, he married you and wasted 20+ years of your life. However, your spouse may not understand this completely yet, so you need to start planting the seeds. There are several ingenious ways to put the blame on your spouse, and we will be exploring them all.

Also, when the spouse starts to make changes, make SURE you find fault with these changes, or point out how it’s “too little, too late.”

Method 2: The Passive Blame Statement
I can’t live like this.
We rarely have fun anymore.

Method 3: The Direct Blame Statement
You never put creases in my pants.
You use bagged salad.
You don’t paint your toenails anymore.
You’re always complaining about money.
You never greet me at the door naked anymore.

You should mix actual faults with things that don’t really matter to make it more confusing, and make your spouse feel as bad as possible about themselves.

Chapter 15 – Advanced Lessons
This is usually reserved for those in more difficult situations, where the spouse has responded not by tossing you out, threatening to leave, or filing for divorce, but instead persists in not only OFFERING to cooperate, but actually MAKING THE CHANGES you said you needed. State one of the following:

I don’t want to live like this anymore.

often is coupled with another advanced statement:

It’s not you, it’s me.

This line is most effective AFTER the spouse has jumped through hoops and bent over backwards. It basically confirms that no matter what changes the spouse is willing to make, the incompatibility lies within the MLCer, who has no intention of, or implied desire or ability to, compromise.

ILYBINILWY « Just Another Journey

 

[dev01]

He also does nto hang out with friends that often. Has a "guys day" maybe once a month.

 

[turnera]

Go read this: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/25126-you-just-got-dumped.html

 

[southern wife]

So he's just not that into you, unfortunately.

 

[turnera]

You may be lucky. He may just be infatuated with someone he hasn't even approached yet. Sometimes that's all it takes for him to 'wake up' and realize his marriage is a sham, that this other woman is really what he should have pursued, yada yada.

You need to do some research.

 

[southern wife]

Look, Dev, all you can really do is focus on yourself. Get yourself healthy and lose the weight, if that's what you want to do. Start doing nice things for yourself, go on walks, get pedicures, just pamper yourself. Stop focusing on him, and focus on you.

 

[turnera]

Not if he's cheating. If he's cheating, she needs to fight the affair; it won't go away on its own.

 

[southern wife]

Or he may just be done with her altogether.

 

[VictoriaWinters]

I think that you need to realize that your weight gain has nothing to do with what your husband is saying. Your weight is an excuse your husband is using. Either he is saying this to try to force you to lose weight (i.e. control you) OR he is truly no longer invested in your marriage for some other reason and has decided to leave. It is possible that he is actually going through a midlife crisis - some men hit that earlier than others - such as in their early 40's.

Your husband made a vow to you "For Better or for Worse, in Sickness or in Health" and he has now chosen to break this vow and even worse, he's blaming you for him breaking it claiming it is because you gained weight which is BS. HE is the one who made the vow to you, voluntarily. You didn't force him to do that. And now he is the one who is breaking it voluntarily.

I want you to understand that you are a good and decent person who has done nothing to deserve this treatment by him. Sure, you gained weight, but you may well also lose weight. So, in the midst of this, your husband decides he wants a divorce. Well, thank goodness you don't have kids, which would make this more complicated.

Part of what I'm telling you is from my own experience. I was once a 21 year old who dated a 33 year old man who said he wanted to marry me, but he had all these issues - like I might gain weight when I got older or I was putting him under too much pressure to take me to social functions - you know like a company Christmas party or whatever. Still we had a lot of fun together. Anyway, I finally realized this guy was not going to marry me and I got out of the relationship after 2 years and met my husband who is closer to my own age - he's just 4 years older than me. I realized later that the 33 year old man was primarily interested in me because I was so much younger than him and very pretty and that, although he seemed to be my BFF at the time, he and I really didn't have all that much in common. He wasn't a bad person, he just wasn't the right person. And I think that's where you are right now.

You need to value yourself and realize that there are plenty of men out there who would value you. Your husband, unfortunately, doesn't have the wherewithal to be in a marriage for the long-haul apparently. That's probably why he got married in his 30's (or was he divorced when you met him as my 33-year old boyfriend was?) The other thing...if your husband was divorced before, that tends to make it easier for people to chose to end relationships if they are not going exactly as they want them to go.

I think that underlying this situation is the fact that you have grown up. You're not a 21 year old young girl anymore, you are a mature woman who has come into her own. You mention that you argue - in otherwords, you challenge your husband. It may be that he can't handle that. If you think back to when you were 21, did you argue much back then? I don't know if this is true of your situation or not, just suggesting ideas as to what may be going on with your husband.

Finally I want to say to you, whatever happens, it's not your fault. Your husband has created this situation, but you don't have to put up with it. No matter what, try to remain civil and always, always remember that you are a person of worth, morals and ethics. You didn't break your vows to your husband, he is the one who failed you.

 

[dev01]

Thank you Victoria.

To clear a couple of things up - I met my hsband when I was 21 (almost 22) and he was 26. First marriage for both of us. I am currently 29 and he is currently 33, so no crazy age difference.

He is currently still very present in our marriage and in our relationship. He is also currently in counseling by himself, then we plan on going together after he has a few sessions.