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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
A bit of background.

With my man 3 years and 3 months. Fell totally in love with him, cheating aside he is my perfect man. Very helpful, loving, funny, he deals perfectly with my feisty nature and I with his, and our sex life is magnificent. We get along brilliantly. He is my totally ideal man in every way....except that.

When we met he had not long been split from his 5 year relationship, she was seeing someone else and he dumped her. At least that was what he said. I found out later that she actually left him for this other man. But this lie was what made me give him the benefit of the doubt about his not cheating on me when I felt he was. That he dumped her due to her cheating. And he 'couldn't stand her'. That and the loving, though the love was hot and cold. In fact it was obvious he was cheating. But I was uneducated. I wish I had come here right at the beginning.

So, I finally threaten him with end of us and he comes clean. Kind of. That was a year and half in to our relationship and completely and utterly devastating. He had cheated with her 4 times over the 1st 9 months of our relationship.

He kept much stuff from me which became clear from his inability to talk with me about it all and all the things that did not add up. I have finished with him many times over it but keep going back due to the reasons above. I have had a bit of TT but never the whole truth. The level of compatibility is high. I don't think I would ever find anyone else who I love to be with and who I get along with as much as he and I. Another reason I keep going back. And he loves me. Does so much for me, loves to be with me, puts up with my stressful household and unruly children. Helps me with them. Cooks, cleans, makes me laugh all the time. We have a brilliant time together.

So, I have chipped away at him, begged and pleaded, so to speak (not literally), for the truth. He is very reluctant. He has always maintained in a wishy washy way that he has given me all. I have never believed it. The other night he finally admitted that there is more but he is worried that even once he gives me all of it he still won't be believed. I have said that it won't really matter as he is not believed right now. I will just have a bit more hurt to deal with that should have been done and dusted by now. And that if he is being truthful I will know. If he is not, I will also know. And I have told him that unless he is prepared to give me 100% then really he shouldn't give it me at all. I think we will be speaking tonight. Any advice please?

I would rather hear something constructive, I know I should just leave him, I know that he shouldn't be blindly believed. But does anyone have any insight or experience or advice?
 

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"When we met he had not long been split from his 5 year relationship, she was ..."
Was "she" his wife and therefore you are OW?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I put in my post that when we met he told me he had dumped her because she had been seeing someone else. But in actual fact that was a lie. She had dumped him for another man. As I wrote, they had not long been split. Therefore, when I met him, they were split up. I was never the OW. I hope this doesn't sound too sarcastic, apologies if it does.

The fact they had not been split long worried me, but the fact that he had dumped her gave me some reassurance. The fact she had cheated on him and he 'couldn't stand her' also reassured me. Very naive of me I know. And also it was all lies. She dumped him for another man she had been seeing behind his back and he was gutted. If only I had been more clued up and more aware and more experienced in these matters. Would have saved me a lot of heartache.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Still hoping for some advice. We haven't chatted yet. Maybe people only have the obvious?
 

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Just let him talk. See what he comes up with and then decide if you are satisfied.
Give him the space to open up to you and really listen without too many interruptions.
Good luck!
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I don't want to seem mean but what can anyone say? You have already said that you don't believe him but you are staying with him anyway. And you even told him that if it isn't the full truth he may as well not say anything. Talk about a free pass! So there really isn't anything to say. He tells the truth and you stay. He lies and you stay. He gives a partial truth and you stay. There isn't much more to advise since you seem to be intent on staying with him no matter what.
 

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This is how my wife eventually began to tell me although she knew the game was up so had to come up with something.

Advice?

Prepare yourself for a lot of pain. If it doesn't sound like the truth it probably isn't. It might take weeks to get The Truth too.

My real advice? Dump him. He isn't the "right man for you" if he is cheating. Assuming you have no children you will have had a lucky escape. This whole thing is only going one way.

Either:

- Accept that he will cheat and "turn a blind eye" (have you seen "The Sopranos"?)

- Get rid of him as you will eventually end up hating yourselves - he for what he is doing to you and you for allowing him to do it.

Good luck and please update us if you find more information.
 

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Cheating aside he is your perfect man? I'm sorry but this is just ridiculous. You are purposefully ignoring an important character trait in order to justify your fantasy version of him. It's like saying: "yes, he molested some kids, but he is such a great cook."
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:iagree:

A "perfect" man wouldn't cheat on you...repeatedly.

And no one is perfect, btw, for anyone. Everyone has flaws. But I think it would be best if you chose someone who didn't have the "cheater" flaw!
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 · (Edited)
Polygraph, yes, he suggested it. Whether he means it though we shall see. Or not. Dependant on if I can be arsed to push it I guess. If we stay together I will be. If not, I won't. He has already handed me £75 towards it. Though nothing since Christmas. But then, his lodgers moved out and so he does not have the cash right now.

He cheated I believe due to still being in love with his ex, though I did not realise this at the time. That he was cheating, or still in love with her. He said he slept with her 4 times, which was in the 1st 9 months of our relationship. I almost believe this. He has been loving and dedicated to me for a long time now. He gives, loves, and does much for me. Very loving. Very focussed on me. He does not continue to cheat. I do know that. He also puts up with a lot to be with me which is another indication he loves me. A big indication. My family life is very very difficult due massively to my ex, father of my kids, and he could have easily walked away. If there was no love, he would have walked away. Even if there was love, many men would have walked away by now. I know there is love. He also spends every bit of spare time with me (apart from meeting a friend for a few pints, which is verified), therefore is not out looking to cheat. He has been honest about much if not all recently. Things he did not have to be. I know he took time to get over his ex (which I didn't realise at the time. Obviously I hope). What I am asking is, does anyone have experience in this? That someone can finally give their all? After so long of not?
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Thank you Chris. A most balanced advice giver.

I am sorry to hear you are going through this after 20 years. I guess it hurts all he more! That is a long time to be with someone and only just finding out the truth.
 

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Thank you Chris. A most balanced advice giver.

I am sorry to hear you are going through this after 20 years. I guess it hurts all he more! That is a long time to be with someone and only just finding out the truth.
Well it's pretty rubbish for sure :)
 

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Cheating aside he is your perfect man? I'm sorry but this is just ridiculous. You are purposefully ignoring an important character trait in order to justify your fantasy version of him. It's like saying: "yes, he molested some kids, but he is such a great cook."
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No. It is not ridiculous. It is the reality that Remains lives with. It is her life.

I was in exactly the same position as Remains is with her husband with my wife, so I know exactly where she is coming from.

Ughh. Even more so than I thought. My wife had her affair with an ex lover.

And we are still together 15/16 years later, so... anything is possible.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 · (Edited)
Thank you MattMatt. Good response. I guess there is also a big chunk of people on here going through R and still with their 'perfect' partner. Don't want a life without them. WPartner wants to be different, B wants to give W a chance to prove.

And I suppose number sixxxx, that important character trait would probably paint 95% of the western world's population with a brush named Cheater and damn them all the hell. I am not ignoring his character trait. I am fully aware of it. And if I thought he was a continual cheater, I would be gone.
 
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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I don't want to seem mean but what can anyone say? You have already said that you don't believe him but you are staying with him anyway. And you even told him that if it isn't the full truth he may as well not say anything. Talk about a free pass! So there really isn't anything to say. He tells the truth and you stay. He lies and you stay. He gives a partial truth and you stay.
I am not staying with him 'anyway'. I have split with him many yes due to this issue. I keep going back due to missing the most perfect for me man I ever met. And because it was all in the past.

Telling him not to bother unless he gives me 100% isn't a free pass. It is a 'dont bother to hurt me with it unless you give me all of it'. Get it all out the way and let us move on from the lies that are crippling us. I don't want to deal with it any longer. And I don't want to hear any of it unless it is all of it.

And no, I won't be staying with the lies. If he partial lies etc. I won't be. They chip away at me, I tell him this. He is aware this won't last forever.
 
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No. It is not ridiculous. It is the reality that Remains lives with. It is her life.

I was in exactly the same position as Remains is with her husband with my wife, so I know exactly where she is coming from.

Ughh. Even more so than I thought. My wife had her affair with an ex lover.

And we are still together 15/16 years later, so... anything is possible.
I might even have said this before, but you're an inspiration MattMatt. Just thought I'd say it out loud as I think it a lot.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 · (Edited)
So, we spoke. Eventually.

His responses over the last couple of weeks, I haven't brought 'it' up but I have spoken about honesty, closeness, our relationship, relationships in general, how him not giving me all of it is crippling us. His responses have NOT been to say 'But I am giving you all the truth'. His responses have been 'But I am worried that with all the truth I still won't be believed'. I have taken from the lack of explicitness, (and I have been very careful with my wording so as not to say 'your lies...; you lying....', not being accusatory, so that I can gauge a response to the not quite vagueness of it all) and his responses to me saying about the lies, how the lies are crippling us, has basically told me he was practically admitting that there was other things to tell. I would have said it was an admission. And due to that and him not insisting he had given all, I thought he was preparing himself to risk the truth. Last Wednesday or Thursday he then said absolutely not, I have nothing else to tell you, I have told you all. I was devastated. I really thought I was getting somewhere with him.

Friday we were supposed to talk but it all fell apart. I wonder if he did that on purpose to avoid the 'chat'. So I brought it up again yesterday. Sunday. We went out for lunch and a walk.

He did what he frequently does which is his hands were shaking. And something I have not seen before, as he was telling me certain things, his tiny muscles on his face were doing little twitches. It was weird.

The other thing he did, when he answered a particular question, his answer of 'there were no more times, I am being truthful' he blinked repeatedly afterwards. 1 a second. Maybe 1-2 seconds. I stayed silent so he could talk, carry on blinking, whatever. He blinked frequently like this for some time. Maybe a full minute.

I don't believe at all that there is nothing else to tell. I have tried to make him feel safe to tell me. I have tried and tried. And now I am no longer going to get in touch with him. I am worn out. I have to stay strong though. But I don't know if I can. What do you think of his responses? I have been very nervous in a 'talk' situation before. I had to confront my father about something. I was physically shaking. But for him to do this time and time again when we get to a certain point? Any insight on this? He is an extremely good liar. And very convincing. He manages to control his defensive behaviour now. Though it still remains defensive. Passively. But this? Anyone think this is a sign of lying? What did your Waywards do when they lied?
 
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