I think my wife is getting worse, she has painted a lot of friends black (there is no hope for the now) and has pissed of her boss and her team leader at work and now has a disciplinary meeting. I used to try and calm her down and keep her away from these work outbursts, warn her about being nasty to the people around her but I don't do it any more, I let her get on with it. Sadly I also have no sympathy for her and actually understand what her workplace must be going through.
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I think my wife is getting worse....

Like you, Maybe, I didn't find the validation techniques mentioned in Stop Walking on Eggshells to be helpful. Such techniques likely are helpful when the partner's BPD traits are at a moderate level but not when they are at a strong level, as appears to be the case with your W. I'm sorry to hear that her behavior is not improving.

 

Maybe, are you still around? If so, please give us a status update. Am wondering how you're getting along with your W and whether her boss has fired her by now.

 

Sorry for the lack of updates!

Some things have changed, she moved to a new office with a new boss and is moving again soon.

She is getting worse and for the most part I cope but do have my off days. I think she takes me more and more for granted these days than ever before and is slowly becoming more and more unreasonable and paranoid. The sulking when she doesn't get her own way is a weekly occurrence now and she hardly spends any time with me (mainly due to the sulking)

She now 100% refuses to resolve any conflict, she will sulk and sulk but not talk or bring anything of any value to try and fix even the smallest disagreement but it doesn't surprise me.

When we do spend time together she reads her books and if I try and make idle chit chat or talk to her she says I'm chatting **** and she is trying to concentrate. If I call her in the day and she bothers to actually answer I get one word answers and awkward silences.

If she wants sex and doesn't get it she withholds it for weeks If I want sex she withholds it and the last time we had sex she didn't orgasim and had a massive strop, I did offer to give her her orgasim in other ways but she refused and now uses it from time to time to belittle me.

All good apart from that

 

Maybe, thanks so much for returning to update your original thread, which you started back in October 2011. By sharing your experiences here, you've helped numerous other members and lurkers. Indeed, your story in this thread has already attracted about 45,000 views. There seem to be two reasons for this popularity. One is that, in your very first post above, you come out of the gate with a detailed, concise, and articulate account of problems occurring in your marriage.

The other reason, in my view, is that you describe a problem affecting a substantial share of other marriages and LTRs. The lifetime incidence of BPD was found to be 6% in a recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults (funded by the National Institutes of Health and published in 2008). If BPDers only formed LTRs with other BPDers, this finding would imply 6% of all LTRs include a BPDer.

Yet, because BPDers are emotionally unstable, they strongly desire to be paired with a partner having a stable personality -- so that partner can help to center and ground the BPDer and provide a sense of direction. That is, BPDers nearly always enter long-term relationships with nonBPDers. Hence, although BPDers account for only 6% of the population, they likely account for (i.e., are a member of) nearly 12% of the long-term relationships. Moreover, the figure likely is larger than that because BPDers typically have more failed marriages and other failed LTRs, leaving a long trail of abused ex-partners.

 

Why are you still together? You both sound pretty miserable together.

 

Take back control of your life Sir.

 

Unbelievable. Many of the traits fit my wife perfectly! No joke!! Explains a lot.

 

Old familiar story to me, I remember reading this thread back in 2011. I've been married to a BPDer for 10 years now (second marriage). About 2 years ago she discovered Trazadone (well actually I suggested she try it, because it was either get her help or get divorced, my life was a living hell). In her case it changed her enormously. She is much less angry and crazy acting with the childish manipulative "I can't ever be wrong or my life falls apart" behaviors. I am convinced that Borderline / depression / bipolar are all mixed to some extent in many people so finding the right treatment can be hard. And in some cases there may be no easy chemical solution.

I knew that deep down this was NOT the person I fell in love with. I stuck with her although it has taken a great toll on my mental / physical health. Unfortunately all the problems have not gone away with the advent of the Trazadone. She is also ADHD on top of the Bordeline/depression issues, so she wants to use Adderall on occasion for tasks likes driving, traveling, etc. She is really, truly ADHD by the way has significant problems with concentration and comprehension. Unfortunately I have learned without a shadow of a doubt that Adderall also makes my wife into a raving angry lunatic. Starts arguments over the slightest thing, pushes buttons, blaming, twists things around to damage my self esteem which I guess gives her some sort of charge when she is in this state.

When she is not doing the Adderall and she is on the Trazadone she is the amazing person I married. But to confront her about any of this is not possible; she would never, ever accept that either the Trazadone changed her for the better, or that the Adderall makes her into a crazed angry spiteful spawn of satan. That Borderline trait is still there which prevents her from admitting these things, but I don't CARE if she can't admit this or not. I just need her to keep taking Trazadone (and stay far, far away on the days when she is using the Adderall).