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Well for starters I am 25. I have been married for 6 years, I know High School sweethearts who took the plunge as soon as we could. I have a son who is 5
For the past 2 years my husband and I have had some tough times. We rarely argue, but when we do he flips out. I mean he gets so mean and says the most horrible things about me. He always threatens that he wants a divorce and yesterday he really went to far. He has never hit me or our son, but the verbal abuse that he uses is too much for me to handle. I don't know if I can forgive or ever forget the horrible things he says. Now that it is the morning after, he wants me to decide what I want to do. He says he is sorry and will not act that way again (which I have heard 20+ times) He says he doesn't want to go to counseling because he doesn't want someone else in our business. My family supports me and wants me to have a better life. They don't want me or my son listening to that all the time, and want me to be happy. I am happy some times with my husband, but then times like yesterday when he just went crazy scares me. I am really confused and have no idea what to do. I have tried to leave before and he wouldn't let me take our son. He threatens me with that and I would rather stick it out with him than lose my child. I am scared and very depressed about the whole situation. Any comments from people who have been in this same situation would be appreciated. Thanks...
 

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Support for yourself

If your husband refuses to go for counseling then go talk to someone for yourself. It will help you a lot. You do not have to let him know that you are going. You can go to your pastor or a local mental health center if you cannot afford to pay for it. Verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse & it is very destructive for your son to grow up in that atmosphere. Please get help before it develops into anything worse. I will pray for you.
 

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Hi This is Dr.Marty,
I read your post and was touched by how you must feel trapped. I did not post an answer because you asked to hear from someone in your situation and I would be approaching things from a different perspective and did not want to be intrusive. If your interest in me posting an answer here. Let me know. I check the site as often as I can, but feel free to email me [email protected] and I put my post on . If not I understand and am glad you are reaching out for support. No matter what take care

Dr.Marty
34 years of bringing people together
 
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hang in there

Hi. I just wanted to say I can sort of relate to your situation. I just posted a thread. I'm r.s.a. I don't know about you but it's hard to think about leaving your spouse when you love them, and you know in their heart they are a good person. It's like a completly different person when my husband is punching walls or throwing remote controls ath the wall, and then a half an hour later saying how sorry he is and he loves me, and he is trying to work on his temper. Is that sounding familiar?
 

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Hi. I can definately relate. We have been married for 7 years. It has been filled with huge spans of unemployment or lots of odd jobs, lies and pawning, and many other problems. We also now have 4 children ages 6, 5, 3, and 1. I went back to school last Fall and will graduate this coming December with a BA. Upon beginning school I opened my own savings account with the universities credit union to be able to keep sole control over my student loan money. Good idea since he wasn't working at the time. Lies and lask of interest in supporting our famliy culminate this last December as I felt the need to call and verify he was working. I was informed he was not and gave him several chances to come clean and he insisted it was paperwork error and that he would clear it up. A couple of days later I called back to see if his employment status had changed like he swore to me it had and Nope he still didn't work there.
At this point I was prepared to ask him to move out. However, he is very good at manipulation especially in using our children and talked me into one more chance. So, he started a job January 2nd and has actually kept is so far. I was at my Grandfather's funeral when we recieved our tax return and he proceeded to deposit it in his savings account. Upon my return I asked that the majority of the money be given to me and I would put it in my account to make sure the bills were paid on time. It didn't happen and a couple weeks ago he claimed that there had been fraud on the account and about $1500 is gone. Our balance was just over $3. I was so furious. I still don't know what will happen with that. I honestly don't believe what he tells me so who knows. Before that happened he did go and retrieve about 65 of the 80+ pawned DVD's and he swore to never "steal" from our family again. However, right after this bank fiasco he needed money for perscription meds. This was Thursday morning and he got paid the next day. He says he tried to ask 2 or 3 friends to loan him the money and couldn't get a hold of them and decided to take a few of the movies to the pawn shop and just get them out the next day after getting paid. He actually told me that because he was not charged any interest it was okay. He doesn't understand why him breaking my trust, what little was there, is such a big deal.
I am seeing a counselor right now and it has helped me so much to not be the fix it person that I am and to feel more empowerment in our arguements. In the past I would just try to smooth everything over and make it nice. However, I am so tired of the years of financial strain and flat out lies to my face.

The problem is that being so tired I often find it easier to let things remain the same instead of putting my foot down and saying I am done. Does anyone have any advice as to what to do. I know I don't want to live like this anymore. I have total support from my family as well as my in-laws as they all know the truth about everything.

He says he will change, but he tells me that on a daily basis and I don't see it. You can't just pick and choos the days when you want to be a father, husband, and a overall productive person.
Help!
 

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One thing at a time.

Dear SchoolMom,
The way to deal with your problem is strait forward but difficult.
Pick one thing each day that you can do. Keep a journel of what you are doing to move forward.

As starting point, is to let me know what you have decided as your task.
Doing things small things consistantly is the key to changing your situation.

Good luck
dr. Marty
www.drmartytashman.com
[email protected]
 
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MSFUNLADY,
Sorry to hear we share similar situations! My husband & I have known eachother since we were teenagers, lost touch, bumped into eachother here & there, started dating, & have been married for over 4 yrs now. I brought my son into our marriage. He is now 12. He adores my husband & I couldn't ask for a better stepfather(MOST OF THE TIME!) We also now have a 3 yr old daughter who is totally a "daddy's girl". I never saw the "darkside" of my husband until about a month before our wedding! I was in shock, devestated,confused! I had never been treated this way, talked to so terribly!
I wanted to back out. He wouldn't have it we were a family, continue to expand our family & things will get better. It got worse! Our 1st yr of marriage we went to counseling. He blew up on the couselor in the 3rd session, we never went back. He acknowledged he had a problem & asked me to make an appt. w/ our fam.dr. to talk about it. He took zoloft for a few months which I thought made a BIG difference. He didn't think he needed it any longer. He's been off it for a few yrs now. The verbal abuse gets worse!
He loves to scream until a chill just runs through your body & you feel like your hearts lying in pieces on the floor. Calls me stupid, idiot, *****, the list is never ending! He also (this past yr) has started screaming nose to nose in my/our son's face calling him stupid. My son has been rcognized as being gifted, very athletic, class president. I don't want his confidence torn to shreds!
My husband & I got into an arguement tonight(in front of my son)over something stupid before he went to work. I was crushed when he left & my son said he thinks most of the time my husband has a good point.I asked if he saw anything wrong with the way he talks to us. My baby boy said NO! I think we need family counseling. I don't know what to do! I don't want my children to think this is exceptable- definetly not normal!!!
 

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Help for your relationship

You are right there is something not right here and it needs to be dealt with. There is no simple answer to this very sensitive situation. You are welcome to look at an number of articles I have written at http://www.yourmarriagecounselor.com/amc.htm.

These are important questions. I am committed to helping people to have the best relationship possible, feel free to give me a call (732)246-8484 and I would be glad to point you in the right direction to find that help.

Good Luck
Dr. Marty
32 Years of helping
people with their relationships
 
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