[northernguy244]

Ive been married for 2 years and we have been really happy. We've always been happy. We used to say that we were like best friends, our sex life was amazing. My wife got pregnant about 5 months ago and we had it all planned out - we were flying. She had a miscarriage at approx 10wks and it destroyed her (This is the 2nd miscarriage the first one was really early like 3/4 wks). She didnt take enough time off work but she was unbelievably upset. I was really upset too but didnt talk about things, i felt that i didnt want to put more weight on her shoulders. I also felt that we could try again and in the end everything would be OK. We dont see each other enough - we both work away from home (i saw her for 24hrs in the last 4 wks) and i think that this has really started to take its toll. My wifes feelings have changed towards me. The intimacy has gone - about a month ago i asked her if she thought about leaving me and she said yes she had thought about it but didnt do it. This has ripped my insides out. I have talked to her and an awful lot of things came out that blew me away, I havent spent enough time on 'us' and ive concentrated too much on working on the house on my time off. This is true i have but i only did this because i thought it was making her happy, if she told me how she felt i would have stopped. Ive made changes over the last few months. Its not been easy in fact Im finding it impossible but its because of the time we are apart. I see her on the weekends. We talk on the phone through the week and she says how much she misses me and we tell each other we love each other and i feel like Im on a high on my way home - but then i feel disappointed rejected sad hurt lonely when there is no intimacy. It came to a head last week but to be honest every weekend seemed to be ruined because there was always a crisis talk to be had, i couldnt help it though because i had to let my feelings be known. This last weekend was better and my wife really made the effort and we talked quite calmly. I asked her about going to counselling but she doesnt want to. She says she knows she has changed but she does not know why. She agrees it happened after the miscarriage. She says she doesnt see me enough. She is leaving her job after christmas and she will be at home full time so we will see more of each other and she's planning a holiday for march time for the two of us. She tells me she loves me and feels guilty and horrible for making me feel like I do. But she says she doesnt know why things are like this. She says we should ride this out until February when she quits her job and then if things are no better then we should get help (counselling). She thinks things will change when we see more of each other. We've always worked away but its never been as bad as the last 12 months for not seeing each other. I feel so lost at the minute. I am so sad at the way things are - i cant believe it. If somebody told me this would happen 5 months ago i would have laughed in there face. I felt my marriage was bulletproof. I also feel like a *****. I have cried in front of my wife on a few occasions. I have become needy and clingy - i asked her if she was seeing somebody else (she went crazy) I didnt even think she had i just cant make sense of it all. I have never been jealous ever but now i am over stupid things and i hate myself for it I have said a few times 'but you said you thought about leaving me' and she went crazy. She said 'i had just lost a baby i didnt know what i wanted'. This made me feel like ****. Every time i try and talk about the way i feel i seem to upset her but i cant hold it in because holding it in I am the incredible sulk and the weekend is ruined. Its a vicious circle. . I I feel that the way I have been acting is making things worse. Thanks for listening.

 

[EnjoliWoman]

I imagine at some level she is afraid to have sex and conceive again and risk that incredible pain again. I don't think either of you have coped with the grief - I don't think it has anything to do with spending time together. I think grief counseling would benefit you both. Tell her you are grieving, too, and need intimacy with her for comfort. Don't wait until next year. Go now, schedule the appointment and ask her to come with you and if she won't, go by yourself.

Meanwhile, try to not be clingy - right now I imagine she doesn't feel she has anything to give you and the pressure to give you sex and comfort when she's feeling empty probably makes her feel guilty for being a disappointment.

 

[northernguy244]

Thank you so much for your advice

 

[AFEH]

You may find it best to handle your feelings, thoughts and emotions 100% by yourself with the help of a counsellor. Be cool, calm, collected, mindful, understanding, sympathetic and helpful around your wife.

Whatever you do never but never put your weight on your wife’s shoulders, most especially your emotions. She has very much to bare already.

Google the grieving process so you know what you and your wife are going through. There’s a set process to it but each of us experience it differently.



Your goal is to be your wife’s rock. The one person in the world she knows she can lean on and who will always be there for her.

 

[northernguy244]

Had another long talk with my wife again today. We stayed calm and talked about things, she told her Dr about counselling and he said he thought it sounded like a good idea. Ive booked an appt for next week with my wifes agreement. Still cant believe things are where they are but Im happy that she will accept help from elsewhere, I told her i need to be able to talk to someone, I cant talk to my friends about this and we need help. Thanks for the replies.

 

[Deejo]

How often are you trying to talk?

Communication is certainly an enormous part of any successful relationship, but ... it can also fall under the category of too much of a good thing.

I second AFEH's recommendation that you seek individual therapy for yourself in conjunction with your marriage counseling.

If one of her complaints was that you haven't been 'present', but now she perceives you as clingy and needy ... that is a toxic c0cktail.

I understand that you are fearful for the relationship and desperately want reassurance from her ... but trying to consistently get that reassurance can actually foment the very thing you are trying to avoid.

Try to understand and find ways to talk yourself off the ledge, without always wondering if you fall that she will be there to catch you. Frankly ... you will be best served by functioning under the premise that she CAN'T be there to catch you.

Sincerely wish you luck. I think she has a lot to sort out, and it may or may not have much of anything to directly do with you. Be aware of that.

 

[diwali123]

How long ago was the miscarriage? It could be that her hormones are still adjusting and she's grieving. When you grieve you have lots of thoughts that make no sense. She might have thought that you would be better off with someone who didn't have miscarriages.
No one's marriage is bullet proof!!!!
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[Hicks]

it is extremely hard to sustain a marraige when you are not living your daily lives together.