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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello everyone,

I'm reaching out as I'm desperate. Sorry if this is long. I've read this forum for the last year hoping that any advice would help. My situation is different and it has taken me a lot to realize who I am, the things I've done and change for me to be a better man. I finally realize that I needed to change as I've been a horrible husband. I've been with my wife for 16 years and we have been married for 8. I've had a perfect wife and family that I've taken for granted and now I'm losing it all, I need my wife and I look in her eyes and all I see is hate.

Two years ago, I had moved out to be with another woman. My excuse was I was tired of my wife and she really wasn't fun to be around. All she did was want to take care of the kids and worked 12 hours a day(she is a nurse), four days a week. She kept the house spotless and was caring for her ill father. Truth is, I was selfish, my wife pretty much let me do what I want, almost to the point where she didn't want to be around me. If I ever wanted to go on a trip, she handed me money and told me to go. I could stay out all hours of the night, she never complained. See, I didn't have to work, as I had received a settlement right after we got married. I let my house go(I owned a home before we got married). She wanted her own home, one she picked, not the one I had. So I let it get foreclosed, put a small portion of my settlement down on the new home and we moved in. We have two children together, one is a 14 year old girl and an 8 year old boy. She has a twenty year old from when she was 16, and the father has never been involved., so I've been daddy.

Well like I said, two years ago I moved out to live with another woman. It was my idea to stay married for the kids, plus I put a good portion of my money down on the house and I didn't want to lose it. . She took good care of the kids, I didn't ant them to go through a divorce. Yes, I know I was selfish and irresponsible, she was devastated, but I put down good money on the house and it was my mindset that she was lucky I didn't kick her out and my step kid. While I was moved out, it was agreed she would work and take care of the kids. In March of 2011, her best friend was getting married, had rented a whole floor at a hotel for all of us to crash after the party, and had invited both of us. Suddenly after I moved out, I was uninvited. So I told my wife she couldn't go if i was not welcome. Which is not right in my eyes. My wife insisted that she was going to see her friend get married and be there because she was the maid of honor. I let her know upfront, I would not watch the kids so she can hangout with her lowlife friend. My wife's mom agreed to watch the kids for her. What kind of mother does this? Anyway late that night, I tried calling my wife to swing by the hotel after party, just so I could hook up with her. Really, I was afraid someone would give her attention and with me gone, her devastated she would be susceptible to another man's advances. She refused to let me come up there because of her "friend"(like her friend had to know) and then she turned her phone off. Anyway the wedding day goes, a few days later I go pick up the kids and keep them a my girlfriends. My wife asked my about a week later to keep the kids one more night as she had to take her dad to the hospital after work. I refused because my girlfriend was tired of the kids. I told her the kids need their mom and her dad is a grown man. Really I was just doing it so she didn't have free time, cause I didn't want her to fool around with anyone until I decided what I was going to do. She starts screaming at me. I told her she just wanted to dump the kids so she can go party. She said her dad was sick and that I'm an a-hole. Anyway, she said I was trying to control her life while I'm with my girlfriend, that I had nothing to worry about cause "guess who already f'ed your wife? Not you", she didn't need to go out cause she already "got 'ed at the wedding". I flew into a rage. I drove immediately home and all the doors were locked. So I bust out the window, climb in and she is in there vacuuming with earphones in, singing acting happy. I am ashamed to say this, but I got a little physical with her. Yes it's sad. It's not the first, but this one was severe. I'm crying as I type this, but I have to admit to the things I've done. She tried to flee running down the road(we live in a rural community). I got in a car to run her down and I acciedently hit her with the car breaking her leg. I pulled her into the car and drove her back home. We agreed not going to the hospital cause I would get into trouble. I cared for her in our bedroom, got her ice for her head, eyes and leg. We agreed not to let the kids see her like that it took a few weeks, so I cared for her, brought her food and became a 100% devoted husband and father, as she was unable to work or care for the kids.

I immediately ended it my affair. I wanted to know about hers. She told me everything. She had met this guy who lived out of town at the wedding, she invited him back to her room and they had a night of fun. Then one of the nights I had the kids, she called him and had him come to our home, in our bed and had sex. While disgusted, I decided to let it go, as I was a mean SOB and had left her. I understood her reasons. She had figured we were done, she wanted a weekend fling to feel good about herself. So I get it.

I had really not been a father to my kids and was a husband who did what I wanted when I wanted with her full support. I had changed. We were going on trips as a family. Life seemed good. We quit fighting. She even said things seem great and we were in love again. Maybe thats what we needed to appreciate each other. I felt we grew extremely close. Fast forward a year later, march of 2012, I found a key belonging to a PO box. I go investigate and found a phone bill. My wife is calling and texting this guy nonstop. He's barely even texting her back and he won't call her. I broke into her email and she begging this guy to talk to her. He sent her a ten page email on how he doesn't date married women and how I'm a piece of crap and that she needs to get divorced, not to be with someone else, but for the safety of her and my kids. He was under the impression that she was getting divorced and they were having a fling, which is what she told him she wanted. Of course I confront her, she denies it. I ask her why she had a PO box and safety deposit box, she said it was because I had hid her birth and kids certificates, passport, cash and bank statements. She said it was because if she felt she needed to flee, per a domestic violence counselor, she needed this stuff safe. I confront her with the evidence, she swears the guy won't really talk to her. I did get physical with her again and this one was bad. Her manipulative and controlling mom and her trashy best friend came and got her, took her to the hospital and she left me. She went and got an order of protection, pressed charges and took my kids away from me.

Well after weeks of begging and pleading, I got in an accident and was in the hospital. After calling her nonstop and more begging, she took me back or so I thought. During one of the weeks, she had flown that same guy from out of state, paid for his hotel by her work and spent three or four nights with him. I tried to confront her, but the hospital she works at banned me from the premises for harassment and the order of protection. I finally convinced her of what she had to lose, her family and her kids. She still denied she was him those days. She had started drinking heavily the past few months, so I agreed to go to marriage counseling. We were gonna fix our marriage and I was gonna fix me. Repeatedly, I would find numerous phones around the house with her calling him. Her mother bought her a phone. She continued to deny having this affair.

When I would get her on the phone at work, she we tell me our marriage was done. She hates me. But when I would get her in person and talk to her, she would say she wants to fix the marriage. She would keep trying to leave me and get nasty on the phone with me, but I would track her down and when I got her in person she would come home and commit herself to the marriage. As soon as I would let her out of the house, she was suddenly different, would disappear with her mom, sister or friends, she would scream for me to leave her alone. Again, I would track her down and as soon as I got her in person, she would leave with me and say she wants to save our marriage like I do. I would start to trust her, she would do the same thing. Finally, she said she would work on the marriage. She would let me access her phone, go through her laptop. She would quit her job because thats where she would talk to this guy at. But as soon as she would go to her dads, moms or sisters, they would buy her another prepaid phone. Again and again I would make her send no contact to this guy, but a week later she'd have another phone.

Finally after a big fight, she admitted that shes this guy just to smile. She said shes desperate and doesn't even want to give up. So I would say what does she want me or him? She would say me. The problem is her family and friends. They are 100% supportive of her affair. Its like they push it on her. Come to find out, the marriage counselor told her to not stop talking to the guy either. When I confronted the MC about this, she told me that honestly at this point if it takes an affair to get her away from me, then she would tell her this to save her life.

Finally I agree to anger management and therapy. My wife and I agree to separate. She will stay in the house 24/7 with the kids, not to work or take care of her dad, and I'll stay at a friends. We go to a new counselor. I agree to stop calling her names and getting physical with her and she will stop talking to him. We get to the MC, she and the counselor are in their by themselves. An hour later, they call me in there. Counselor looks at her and says tell him what you want to say, she says she can't stand me, that she never wanted to marry me in he first place. That I forced her to marry me. That the only reason she ever told me she would work on the marriage is because I would hunt her down and call her nonstop and harass her family. She said I am a deadbeat and she cant stand the sight of me, she would sign off on a divorce immediately. I wont lie, i started cussing out the counselor and my wife for her turning the counselor against me. The counselor said I'm control freak and manipulative, and that my wife repeatedly has shown me, told me that she doesn't want me, but I'll never accept it.

Finally my wife is at the house. I begged her not to talk to this guy, that I will continue the therapy for six months and she will stay in the house, no contact with her family or the guy who are manipulating her. So one day in september she calls and says that I need to spend time with the kids and to come visit. I show up, shes gone and leaves my 14 year old to take care of my 8 year old, while I'm on the way to the house. What kind of mother does this? I call her she says "you got the kids now, now I'm gonna do what I want just like you". She turns her phone off. So I drive around for hours looking at every hotel, and find her dads truck(she parked her car at her dads and took his truck) at a upscale hotel. I get into his truck and find the receipt for the hotel under the same guys name but she paid for it! So the next morning I have my daughter call her and tell her she has no way to her basketball game that morning, hid my car so my wife will come in. Sure enough she comes home, and I confront her with the receipt. I have the kids with me, I ask my wife right now to choose between that guy or me and the kids? She said she is leaving that its over! So I try to stop her from leaving, but my daughter calls the police and the cops come pick me up for domestic violence. She takes my kids to her moms and continues hanging out with this guy. That monday she gets an order of protection and tells her brother, a police officer about a gun in the house that I'm not suppose to have because of my previous order of protection. They arrest me again. She is completely destroying me and my family! So, I go and remove the kids from school since she won't let me see them. I go and file for divorce asking for everything, plus alimony and child support. I thought that maybe it would bring her back to reality from her fantasy boy. NO! She and her mom goes and lawyers up, and now I gotta pay for my criminal lawyer and the divorce. She refuses to stop the divorce. Right now we rotate every five days with custody of the kids with the house. Every five days she either flies this guy in and she goes to his state.

I really need help. I know that this guy and her family are brainwashing her and I cannot get my wife to understand that yeah I do act crazy, but I'm so in love with her. If she would just hold the divorce and STOP talking to this guy, I know we could work on this. But she won't. She won't go to counseling. Now she is acting like I don't exist, taking my kids around her family. The kids are acting fine when I'm not around. This has got to stop. I love my wife and she won't even give me the time of day. Does she no care. I know I've been horrible, but my eyes are open and I'm changing. Someone please help me, cannot lose my wife, she is all I got. I know I took her for granted and was cruel, but all she has to doo is put herself back in 100% and get rid of this guy and quit listening to her controlling family and this will be better. Can she not at least try for our kids? They are even convinced we are better apart. My daughter says that it's not as intense. Sorry guys for the length but this is killing me.

PLEASE!
 

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Dear GM Sincere,

If you truly loved your wife you would let her go. It's clear from your post that you 1) need to stay away from her until you get a hold of your anger, 2) you need to see a psychiatrist to address your abusive tendencies - consider temporarily commiting yourself if you feel your own life or anothers is in danger. You need space to find a more peaceful you.

Honestly, if your wife was my sister, I would not allow her to visit you because I love my sister too much to see her so badly abused emotionally and physically. If you love her, let her go. Then focus on getting help for yourself.

Please keep writing and don't do anyrhing rash.

By the way, tell us about yout past if you are willing. It's hatd to imagone how someone could be so abusive. You must have a much longer story to share.
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Do you have a job now?
If so, why don't you concentrate on that for a few months while she cools off. If you don't have a job start looking for one. An unemployed man isn't very attractive to anyone.

You might also consider a longer cooling off period - perhaps a year? During that time you can work on anger management, go to individual counseling to address issues, of which you have many, (you admit this no?).

Practice calming techniques, try to forge better relationships with her family. You have hatred for the people who loved, raised, supported, and nurtured her. It's not an endearing quality for a spouse to have such hatred for relatives. It's a huge wedge issue.

Lastly, and I'm not being snide here, why don't you accept the divorce and see if you can be at peace with that? You yourself admit you've been physically abusive to the mother of your children. It's a miracle you aren't in jail. She has shown you mercy. Show her some too. Let her go.

You can always try to find the original other woman and see if she still has feelings for you? It's probably time to take some deep breaths and accept that which has occurred.

Count your blessings. Your kids don't hate you. You aren't in jail. Your wife survived two brutal attacks. You have your health. Now heal your your spirit. Lose the anger.

It's time for humility. Become a humble man.
 

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Your wife is lucky that you have not killed her yet. Statisticly women who are married to men like you are murdered the 3rd time they try to leave.

Thank God your wife has a family and friends who care about her. Because you do not care about her. You only care about controlling her.. owning her.

I agree that you need to get help. Get yourself committed for some serious treatment.
 

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You've now assisted her twice that you've e admitted to. You broke her leg and second tie sent her to the hospital.

Please let her go. The next time you just might kill the woman you claim to love do much. If you really care, let her have some peace and safety in her life free for your threatening history of violence against her.

Right now you are lucky you have access to your kids. Give the history of domestic violence I would not you around the kids if they were mine.
 

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You are so far gone into insanity you don't know what reality is. You are a dangerous violent controlling person. You don't live your wife. You don't run over someone you love and break their leg. You don't do any of the horrible abusive things you have done. You have committed multiple felonies against this woman, and you expect her to love you? You know why she said she wanted to get back together when you were in person? Because she is scared ****less of you. Her whole being is terrified of what you might do to her if she doesn't tell you what you want to hear. You have already broken her leg and worse.
You know the next step in this scenario? Because everybody else does and that's why they took the gun away and are protecting her so fiercely. Whatever demon is inside you, whether it be a mental illness, addiction, a personality disorder or all of the above is set on destroying this woman if you can't completely own and control her.

You want to own another human being. You are no better than a slave master. Worse in a lot of ways.
I'm sure you love her in your own way but you really and truly are probably not going to be able to win her back. The only thing you can do is get yourself some intense therapy for someone who specializes in treating very violent sick men. your ability to minimize the damage you have done and to justify it boggles my mind.

This woman is a human being, not your property.
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Reading your post, i can't help but feel grateful for the counselor, her family and friends who helped her get out of the abusive relationship with you. You're so clueless as to how destructive your actions are. Even your kids don't want you around.

Your wife and kids are not being brainwashed. They show their true feelings for you. If you love and care for them, please let them go and live their lives in peace and safety.
 

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Wow! You really are a piece of work.

You do know the karma bus is going to run you over!!

Most people end up in prison for what you did, but I'm sure you're a really nice, well respected man.
 

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Get off these forums and better yourself by getting some Individual Counseling.

Because if you don't you will always lose control and do things you will regret later.
 

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But other than that, you're a great husband..... eh??
 
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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Dear GM Sincere,

If you truly loved your wife you would let her go. It's clear from your post that you 1) need to stay away from her until you get a hold of your anger, 2) you need to see a psychiatrist to address your abusive tendencies - consider temporarily commiting yourself if you feel your own life or anothers is in danger. You need space to find a more peaceful you.

Honestly, if your wife was my sister, I would not allow her to visit you because I love my sister too much to see her so badly abused emotionally and physically. If you love her, let her go. Then focus on getting help for yourself.

Please keep writing and don't do anyrhing rash.

By the way, tell us about yout past if you are willing. It's hatd to imagone how someone could be so abusive. You must have a much longer story to share.
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Yes there is more to the story. Honestly, I never imagined my wife would cheat, much less leave me. I had worked for years and like I said I owned my own home. She was a single mother putting herself through school. After being together for two years, I tried getting her to move into my home with her daughter. She refused saying she didn't want to depend on a man and that she wanted to finish her nursing degree. Well she became pregnant with our 14 year-old. So she agreed to move in. My wife, she's great. I never got physical with her until after she moved in. It was occasional, I'm not going to lie. The first time we were carrying in groceries. I was talking on my phone and she smarted off as I was carrying a twelve pack of beer. So i threw the 12 pack at her and it hit her in the back. It messed her up. She left me then, but I managed to win her back after a couple of months.

I never really got enraged much after that. She pretty much let me do what i want. She never pushed for marriage, never asked anything of me. No, I won't lie, I did sleep around and do what I wanted to do. When a hunting trip came up, she would quickly hand my money and tell me to go. I know part of it was that i would scream and yell to the point that she would do whatever I said to avoid confrontation. Even when she found out about the other girls, she didn't really complain. She just didn't want to hear about it. Well when I got injured on the job, I received a substancial settlement. She said she wanted her own house, not the one I had. So, I put the money down on the new one and bought 10 acres of land with it. I let mine go into foreclosure. I pushed and pushed until she married me. I won't lie, I blew the rest of the money on boats, snowmobiles, atvs and boy toys. When the money was gone, she supported me. She made good money, our house payment was low and our vehicles were paid off.

I really did take her for granted. I never saw much of my kids as I was out partying with my friends. But she was always there, making sure everything was taken care of. I can honestly say, I really didn't have much respect for her as she never demanded it. Aside from the case of beer thrown at her, I really never touched her much. We were in Florida about two years before her affair. We were at the beach and I had just bought a $500 digital camera. She was playing with the kids. Well the kids were throwing chips so the seagulls would come by and get them. One of the birds swooped down and snatched the camera. So I started chasing the bird, my wife burst out laughing cause I looked stupid chasing and cussing the bird as it was gone. I flew into a rage and when we got back to the hotel and the kids were asleep, I did smack her for disrespect. I was enraged. Another incident, we were at a friends house having drinks and had our little boy with us. I'm not a big drinker, but I was getting hammered. At about 10pm she gives me the evil eye and says "we are leaving, are you coming or no?" I didn't like her tone so as we were driving I flew into a rage and started punching her in the head and ejected her from the truck and I left her. If it wasn't for my son screaming I wouldn't have gone back to get her.

I know I sound like a horrible person. I am a horrible person. Its like I get mad and just go beserk. It as like that since my mom. She was a career bartender a professional drunk. She would always scream and yell hit us as kids. Eventually I would go ballistic.

With my wife, I tried not too. But from time to time, she would really piss me off. But, like I said it happened from time to time. Nothing like it was the last two years. Ever since she let another man in her life, I hate her. I've beaten her hundreds of times. I've kept her in the house. I kept her away from her family. I stayed home, did counseling and did everything to be a husband because my marriage was now under threat. The last time, I did beat her into oblivion. It was bad, but she wouldn't tell me where this guy lived. I already knew, but I wanted to force her to betray him like she did me. She told me that I could beat her down, kill her. But I could never take her spirit or heart. That she loves that man. Its not the sex thats bothers me as much as this guy is in her heart and now she won't stop.

I know its over. But I can't stand it. She was a great woman who I constantly tore down, berated and betrayed. I guess at one point I truly believed that I took her will away and had her convinced I was the best possible man ever. The first guy that treats her with respect for 10 minutes she screws and now she would die just to talk to him because "he puts a smile on her face". She told me her life is hopeless and horrible, but just the thought of something better gives her a breath of life. Part of me just always knew she was there. Everything was taken care of. Bills were always pid and the kids were fine. She was the best woman a man could ask for, and I finally did enough to make her open her heart and legs to another guy. I am changing, but she just needs to give this a chance. Please God. I know if she just let him go and quit talking to her family and come home, we can fix this. I will do everything to change. I'm in therapy, I'm in counseling. She won't drop the charges, she won't stop the divorce. First she told me I could have everything, the house, assets, she would pay alimony. Now, she wants the house, wants me to pay child support. She said she won't pay me a dime. I begged her not to talk to the prosecutor the other day about persuing this. She went ahead anyway. Then I get angry and scream at her, now she tells me I need to be careful before she tells the cops and SA everything. Now she tells me that she wants to be with this guy and she will be with him, unless he decides to walk. Then she said if its not him, it will be someone else that he does deserve to be loved.

I can't stand it. I know I screwed up and I went to far. I tore her down and had her under the thumb I know. But I know had she not met this guy this would have never happened. I should not have left her to be with that other woman. See, she had gained about 50lbs and started drinking everyday. I told her she needed to lose the weight and stop the drinking, then I would come home. So I stayed with one of my girlfriends. Normally if something was wrong my wife would change and fix it. Now she quit drinking, lost 70lbs and now she is giving her heart to another man. Everyday she gets more hateful and starts brining up the past. Her family and this other guy have put ideas in her head and now she says she don't need me. I have 16 years invested into her, she tells me it was pure hell everyday. She told me yesterday as I am sobbing and begging for a chance, that for the last 5 years she prayed every night that I would just die. That she wanted me to just go away. Part of me says its just this guy and her family talking.

Then this morning I call and my kids wont talk to me. My wife says its becaue all I do is cry and start screaming and drilling the kids about here their mom was at and what time did she get home. She is married though. I feel I have a right to know. She swore before god and state that she would honor this marriage. She says she rather have a few years of peace and spend an eternity in hell than spend another hour with me, She started screaming on the phone as a pour my heart out... She owed a bunch of money on her student loans for her nursing degree. Well back when I made her quit her job, she couldn't pay on it. So they took her license. Her mom paid off the debt and she got her license back. She said I put my toys first and didn't pay off her loans and bought boats. That my first priority should have been her job incase anything happened to me it would guarantee she could support the kids. Now she thinks she is gonna take care of dude. I know he is just using her for money. I made this woman into everything she is. I was a daddy to her daughter, who nows says I was a piece of crap. Anything she wants her family takes care of her. This guy gives her 600 bucks so she can buy my kids gifts for xmas, she tried to refuse, but she just started working and had to pay lawyer. Her mom goes and buys my kids stuff. As if I'm inadequate as a man. I have almost 15k in lawyer bills and shes taking money to buy kids gifts. These kids will be destroyed to see me in prison or on the street. Now that I think of it, the madder I get. How selfish can she be? She is so selfish and rude, I've changed. But now she will let me be destroyed and let my kids see it?

I'm humilated and humbled. BUT she has the nerve to tell me that when our boat sells, she is gonna take her half and take dude to a resort in mexico for two weeks and get my daughter braces? But she wont help with my attorney fees when she is the one that could drop this and she had all three of our cell phones turned off. I cannot even talk to my kids when I don't have them cause she turned my family package off.

I know I've done wrong, but she is so selfish and now only thinking of herself and loverboy, who is using her for money.

My whole life is ruined because someone gave her some attention Those twodeserve each other. I cannot believe this is happening. If dude woud just go away everything would go back to the way it was. We would not have to go through this. And the kids, what about the kids? Does she care?
 

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You broke your marriage vows when you started sleeping with other women. Your marriage was over then. Everytime you have physically and emotionally hurt her you have broken your marriage vows.
Get this through your head: it doesn't matter if she's celibate, a lesbian or goes out and has sex with ten men ever night, becomes a lesbian or a porn star. Its over. The other man has so little to do with this. They could break up tomorrow and she would still not want anything to do with you.

And I am wondering how you knew she broke her leg and how you fixed that at home.
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You're life is ruined because of your own actions. For you to say your wife is selfish is laughable. You have beaten her physically/mentally, you cheated on her numerous times, spent all of your money on crap while she supported you and you were basically an absentee parent. No one is brainwashing your wife, she just finally found her courage and self esteem that you tried to beat out of her.
 

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Dear GM Sincere,

If you truly loved your wife you would let her go. It's clear from your post that you 1) need to stay away from her until you get a hold of your anger, 2) you need to see a psychiatrist to address your abusive tendencies - consider temporarily commiting yourself if you feel your own life or anothers is in danger. You need space to find a more peaceful you.

Honestly, if your wife was my sister, I would not allow her to visit you because I love my sister too much to see her so badly abused emotionally and physically. If you love her, let her go. Then focus on getting help for yourself.

Please keep writing and don't do anyrhing rash.

By the way, tell us about yout past if you are willing. It's hatd to imagone how someone could be so abusive. You must have a much longer story to share.
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@totally unexpected

I would not encourage him to share his story given the mental state he is in. His anger towards his wife is escalating (from most recent post).
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
GM sincere

Get off this site and get professional help.

We cannot help you here. Only a licensed therapist can give you the help you need.
Silver,

I am getting professional help. I am seeing a therapist/psychiatrist and I go to anger management. I sincerely want to fix my marriage and right the wrongs. I really do. This is why I am up front and honest. I did some horrible things, I did. I am a horrible person. But I was married to a wonderful woman and I do love her. It me losing her to figure it out. But I am changing. Of all the things I've done I would never opely discuss the things i've done. I never admitted once to touching her until six months ago with the MC. I am trying to better myself. I would never touch her again. Never. I love my kids and wife, I just want my family back.

Please help
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
You broke your marriage vows when you started sleeping with other women. Your marriage was over then. Everytime you have physically and emotionally hurt her you have broken your marriage vows.
Get this through your head: it doesn't matter if she's celibate, a lesbian or goes out and has sex with ten men ever night, becomes a lesbian or a porn star. Its over. The other man has so little to do with this. They could break up tomorrow and she would still not want anything to do with you.

And I am wondering how you knew she broke her leg and how you fixed that at home.
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She is a nurse and after three weeks she went back to work. After a few days the doctor noticed she wasn't walking right, and sent her to get an xray. She had to have surgery to fix it cause it healed wrong.

Look it is hard... I know.. But please, I know what I've done.
 
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