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She was like this (controlling) when you dated her. She didn't suddenly turn into this. It may have got worse but she has ALWAYS been controlling.

This is NOT about her....nope...it's about you!!!

She is not going to change and in fact as time goes on it's only going to get worse.

You are literally dying a slow death.
One day at a time and you're not going to do anything about it.

You have a VP position but your wife wears the pants in your home and to be blunt you're too afraid to stand up to her.

Is this really how you want to live each day?
You married a woman who has NO idea what love is and unfortunately nor do you.

We get one chance at this thing called life. You are obviously MISERABLE!!!!

Do something about it or succumb to the slow death that's coming your way.

You're living out Pink Floyd's "comfortably numb".
 

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You mentioned she gets $600 a month. Is she on disability, perhaps for mental problems?

Either way, buy this, absorb it, then live it & stop being a doormat.

If she doesn't respond positively, pretty quickly, you may be S.O.O.L. and may want to start an exit plan.
 

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So?


Seriously, so what. Be the bad guy. After reading your first two posts, your life can't possibly suck much worse than where you are right now. Being the "bad guy" here would be a massive upgrade.

Of all my real life friends, of all the stories I've read on here, I have never heard of someone that goes out of their way to make their spouse's life a living hell every single hour of the day.

Literally.

You just gave us the play by play of your entire day and this woman doesn't let up until she falls asleep. Are you at least allowed to sleep, or does she wake you up every 30 minutes to b*tch at you again? How is this even possible? I mean, she has to be exhausted by the end of the day with the amount of nagging she does all day.

FFS, turn off your GPS at work, or leave your phone at your desk.

Lastly, I have yet to see you mention one good thing about her. She must be smoking hot and truly amazing in bed for you to put up with this amount of bullsh$t.

This is unsustainable. There is no way you can keep this up forever. It will eventually start affecting your work and you can't lose your job since your wife does nothing. Absolutely nothing. She doesn't work and you said she is a slob so clearly she isn't helping at home.
THIS!!! She treats you this way because you allow her to do so. This is all on you my friend. Nothing will change until you man up and get your balls out of her purse. You are frozen by fear of what others will think about you. Who gives a damn about what they think about you? Think about how it will affect your children by having a door mat for a father. They will grow up with the idea that your model of marriage is how things should be. You will damage them. You need to fix yourself now!
 

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All I can say brother is my wife struggled as a new mother at home alone all day with a baby/toddler. Pregnancy was super exhausting for my wife as well. Worse yet, the world really looks down on stay at home moms so I'm betting SHE feels like a lazy loser (because that's how the warped world looks at motherhood now). In sum, she's grumpy and depressed likely and I certainly would be to if I were in her shoes- stuck at home all day (especially with Covid going on).

It's actually a really huge blessing that you get to jump up and go to work and "kill it" in the business world. Reading between the lines you're sort of announcing your superiority to your wife but the reality is- YOU actually have it pretty good because you're not stuck all day in the monotony of motherhood and feeling like you can't get anything done.

I don't mean to excuse her harsh/suspicious treatment of you. I think you should take that on as it occurs. That's unacceptable.

Frankly, you both sound a little immature but I was even more immature than you when I had a three year old. Best wishes my brother. Parenting is HARD but worthwhile!
 

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Don't do the 180 ********. Doesn't work. Have a chat with your wife and tell us what you told us here. Then say you can't cope anymore and that you are arranging for a nanny to take your place. Move out for a few weeks or until she "gets it". It might be never. Pregnant women survive without husbands... ;) She will be very angry with you, but hey, you need your sanity. All this if you are prepared to go through divorce, otherwise you will stuck in Dante's Inferno all your life. Good luck!
 

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All I can say brother is my wife struggled as a new mother at home alone all day with a baby/toddler. Pregnancy was super exhausting for my wife as well. Worse yet, the world really looks down on stay at home moms so I'm betting SHE feels like a lazy loser (because that's how the warped world looks at motherhood now). In sum, she's grumpy and depressed likely and I certainly would be to if I were in her shoes- stuck at home all day (especially with Covid going on).

It's actually a really huge blessing that you get to jump up and go to work and "kill it" in the business world. Reading between the lines you're sort of announcing your superiority to your wife but the reality is- YOU actually have it pretty good because you're not stuck all day in the monotony of motherhood and feeling like you can't get anything done.

I don't mean to excuse her harsh/suspicious treatment of you. I think you should take that on as it occurs. That's unacceptable.

Frankly, you both sound a little immature but I was even more immature than you when I had a three year old. Best wishes my brother. Parenting is HARD but worthwhile!
The amount of leeway you are giving to this woman is excessive. As such, her victim mentality will continue to grow and she will learn nothing.

I agree with you that the popular opinion is to look down on SAHM these days. Thankfully, the popular opinion is carried by those who don't matter. Those are the same people that harbor a million other ridiculous values that make no sense.

This is about OP and his wife. Not outside cultural influence.

Telling OP that pregnancy, motherhood and being a SAHM is tough and exhausting is treating her like a child. It is stripping her of her agency and relieving her of any responsibility for her actions. And her actions are quite telling. I don't care how difficult her job is in her marriage - treating OP like a piece of sh1t every hour of every single day is unsustainable for OP- even for the most forgiving of people. She isn't just destroying this man's life, she is drastically affecting his ability to parent their children. So, she is harming her children as well.

Pregnancy, motherhood and being a SAHM is absolutely difficult. No question. An honorable and fulfilling job for many women, but it does not excuse her behavior. She is doing a piss poor job and offers nothing to their relationship or household. If OP acted the way she acted at his job, he'd be fired within a week. That is an absolute fact. If his wife can't get her act together, I think OP should do the same. Fire her.
 

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The amount of leeway you are giving to this woman is excessive. As such, her victim mentality will continue to grow and she will learn nothing.

I agree with you that the popular opinion is to look down on SAHM these days. Thankfully, the popular opinion is carried by those who don't matter. Those are the same people that harbor a million other ridiculous values that make no sense.

This is about OP and his wife. Not outside cultural influence.

Telling OP that pregnancy, motherhood and being a SAHM is tough and exhausting is treating her like a child. It is stripping her of her agency and relieving her of any responsibility for her actions. And her actions are quite telling. I don't care how difficult her job is in her marriage - treating OP like a piece of sh1t every hour of every single day is unsustainable for OP- even for the most forgiving of people. She isn't just destroying this man's life, she is drastically affecting his ability to parent their children. So, she is harming her children as well.

Pregnancy, motherhood and being a SAHM is absolutely difficult. No question. An honorable and fulfilling job for many women, but it does not excuse her behavior. She is doing a piss poor job and offers nothing to their relationship or household. If OP acted the way she acted at his job, he'd be fired within a week. That is an absolute fact. If his wife can't get her act together, I think OP should do the same. Fire her.
You can’t “fire” your wife. I think OP complaining about getting up early and rushing off to work is immature too. All we’re getting is his side and I think she has a tougher, more thankless, and probably works more hours than he does.

I said he just needs to take on her bad behavior when it happens... no point in journaling it for us. I never said be her floor mat.
 

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You can’t “fire” your wife. I think OP complaining about getting up early and rushing off to work is immature too. All we’re getting is his side and I think she has a tougher, more thankless, and probably works more hours than he does.

I said he just needs to take on her bad behavior when it happens... no point in journaling it for us. I never said be her floor mat.
You absolutely can fire your wife. I consider divorce as firing your wife.

She absolutely does NOT work more hours. To be fair, you are correct: We don't know her side of the story. We must assume OP is telling the truth.

If that is the case, let's go with what he has said.

I didn't catch on to a complaint about waking up early to go to work. He just stated he wakes up to go to work. I also didn't catch that he is rushing off to work. In fact, he said he doesn't want to disturb her so she can sleep a bit more. I don't see how this is immature. In my personal life, my wife is much more of a morning person than I. She gets going to work earlier than I do. She stays quiet in the bedroom when she is getting ready because I typically wake up an hour later than her. Why? Just to be nice, and I certainly appreciate it. I don't see it as immaturity.

OP says that he has to always clean the kitchen. He does at least 25% of the cooking. He shares 50% of the responsibility with their child - which she chastises him on constantly. He has to put away the laundry.
He has also mentioned that his wife is a slob - This implies that the house is not kept clean.

What in the hell is she doing all day? I don't care if someone is a SAHM or a SAHD. The job description is the same. When one spouse works to bring in the income, the other spouse works to keep the house in order. As such, both partners are actually bringing in the income. Instead, OP is tasked with his job and to take care well past his fair share of the household when he gets home. She is not upholding her end of the marriage. Not by a long shot.

He should fire her.
 

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You absolutely can fire your wife. I consider divorce as firing your wife.

She absolutely does NOT work more hours. To be fair, you are correct: We don't know her side of the story. We must assume OP is telling the truth.

If that is the case, let's go with what he has said.

I didn't catch on to a complaint about waking up early to go to work. He just stated he wakes up to go to work. I also didn't catch that he is rushing off to work. In fact, he said he doesn't want to disturb her so she can sleep a bit more. I don't see how this is immature. In my personal life, my wife is much more of a morning person than I. She gets going to work earlier than I do. She stays quiet in the bedroom when she is getting ready because I typically wake up an hour later than her. Why? Just to be nice, and I certainly appreciate it. I don't see it as immaturity.

OP says that he has to always clean the kitchen. He does at least 25% of the cooking. He shares 50% of the responsibility with their child - which she chastises him on constantly. He has to put away the laundry.
He has also mentioned that his wife is a slob - This implies that the house is not kept clean.

What in the hell is she doing all day? I don't care if someone is a SAHM or a SAHD. The job description is the same. When one spouse works to bring in the income, the other spouse works to keep the house in order. As such, both partners are actually bringing in the income. Instead, OP is tasked with his job and to take care well past his fair share of the household when he gets home. She is not upholding her end of the marriage. Not by a long shot.

He should fire her.
He can’t share 50% of child care responsibilities if he’s gone 40hours per week plus the commute.

My wife wasn’t the best housekeeper either.. but she fed, played with, read to my babies all day long and they grew up knowing they are/were loved.

But heck, just thought someone on here should stick up for the voiceless SAHM here. I just hope OP will work to pick her up versus throw her away.
 

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But heck, just thought someone on here should stick up for the voiceless SAHM here. I just hope OP will work to pick her up versus throw her away.
Fair enough.

If she does continue to act like what she's been doing, I do hope he throws her away for his own, and his children's well being.
 

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I am a HUGE supporter of SAHM's -- I think that society would be much better if we had more!
BUT this whole thing about housework, etc. is a red herring.
What is pertinent is the CONSTANT bashing she gives him, CONSTANTLY berating him (in front of his child).

This had nothing to do with hiring a house cleaning service, etc..
It has to do with her complete disrespect of her husband. She is manipulative, not-trusting, and SHE can do what she wants while HE has to be hog-tied over everything.
 

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@LATERILUS79 and @jlg07 - I kind of do agree that she does sound a bit off. Good women and mothers are probably really hard to find nowadays, sadly.
its one of the main reasons I stay at places like TAM. I want to learn as much as I can about how men and women interact with each other - not only for my own marriage (which TAM has greatly helped), but also for my twins (boy and a girl).
I feel like I’ve got the boy locked down good. I can easily pass on the proper values to becoming a good man. I worry though about my daughter. I am terrified for her to learn and absorb modern culture outside of our home. I would be mortified if she ever turned into what OP is dealing with in his house.
OP’s wife is acting like an entitled brat - and our modern culture is teaching this to be ok.

OP needs a 50/50 marriage where both partners are looking to help and hold each other up. OP appears to be trying to hold up his wife while she is looking to constantly tear him down.
 

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Discussion Starter · #35 ·
Thanks for all the replies and feedback/advice/etc. I appreciate it. I'll do my best to respond to some of this but don't have the time to hit on every single reply/comment.

What if she started kicking you in the balls full force every day? What if she stabbed you in the face?

Her being pregnant doesn’t suddenly raise her to saint status. You can’t let her treat you like crap because if you do why should she change her behavior?

You take care of yourself and what you need to do in order to remain sane and hopefully get some happiness back.
Fair enough, and if it got THAT bad I'd be gone.


I do have to ask - did you ever cheat on her, physically or emotionally? Because that is how her behavior reads. That would not be an excuse for that behavior, but it would make more sense. Just curious.
I never have cheated, either way. No.

She is definitely the jealous/controlling type by nature and I think always has been before me (knowing what I know now). One issue she has is that my ex (right before her) I met at work so she has an insecurity about me being at work around women. (the ex doesn't work with me and hasn't since shortly after we broke up).

No excuse because again, I've never cheated.


So?

Seriously, so what. Be the bad guy. After reading your first two posts, your life can't possibly suck much worse than where you are right now. Being the "bad guy" here would be a massive upgrade.

Of all my real life friends, of all the stories I've read on here, I have never heard of someone that goes out of their way to make their spouse's life a living hell every single hour of the day.

Literally.

You just gave us the play by play of your entire day and this woman doesn't let up until she falls asleep. Are you at least allowed to sleep, or does she wake you up every 30 minutes to b*tch at you again? How is this even possible? I mean, she has to be exhausted by the end of the day with the amount of nagging she does all day.

FFS, turn off your GPS at work, or leave your phone at your desk.

Lastly, I have yet to see you mention one good thing about her. She must be smoking hot and truly amazing in bed for you to put up with this amount of bullsh$t.

This is unsustainable. There is no way you can keep this up forever. It will eventually start affecting your work and you can't lose your job since your wife does nothing. Absolutely nothing. She doesn't work and you said she is a slob so clearly she isn't helping at home.
Fair point, and ultimately I'm going to have to let go of that idea ("bad guy"). TBH, I'm a people pleaser (to some extent). But at the end of the day, I want my family together not apart so I'm going to do everything I can to keep it that way. But you're right it may not be sustainable unless something changes.

We are very different in a lot of ways, and one big way is that I'm typically very genuine in my interactions with people whereas she was raised and by nature is more sarcastic and less sentimental - however on the inside she is sensitive and cares about sentimental things, if that makes sense. For her to give a compliment is very hard, she was raised that way. "Don't want you to get a big head or anything!" But she needs/wants compliments, ha.


She was like this (controlling) when you dated her. She didn't suddenly turn into this. It may have got worse but she has ALWAYS been controlling.

This is NOT about her....nope...it's about you!!!

She is not going to change and in fact as time goes on it's only going to get worse.

You are literally dying a slow death.
One day at a time and you're not going to do anything about it.

You have a VP position but your wife wears the pants in your home and to be blunt you're too afraid to stand up to her.

Is this really how you want to live each day?
You married a woman who has NO idea what love is and unfortunately nor do you.

We get one chance at this thing called life. You are obviously MISERABLE!!!!

Do something about it or succumb to the slow death that's coming your way.

You're living out Pink Floyd's "comfortably numb".
Some truth here, but you might be making a leap with some of your comments/assumptions.

Honestly, she is a pretty functional person with possibly a personality disorder. I don't like to speculate or diagnose, but narcissistic or borderline personality type behavior at times. And I empathize with that as I know people I love with true mental health issues. But still no excuse for treating people poorly.

I HAVE stood up to her, many times. It blows up worse, I have to pick my battles and really be careful with how I respond.


You mentioned she gets $600 a month. Is she on disability, perhaps for mental problems?

Either way, buy this, absorb it, then live it & stop being a doormat.

If she doesn't respond positively, pretty quickly, you may be S.O.O.L. and may want to start an exit plan.
The $600 is just what I give her out of my paycheck for spending money. Thanks for the reccomendation.


THIS!!! She treats you this way because you allow her to do so. This is all on you my friend. Nothing will change until you man up and get your balls out of her purse. You are frozen by fear of what others will think about you. Who gives a damn about what they think about you? Think about how it will affect your children by having a door mat for a father. They will grow up with the idea that your model of marriage is how things should be. You will damage them. You need to fix yourself now!
Hard to hear, but some facts here.

I really need to stick to a plan, do my best and if she doesn't come along it will be time to move on.


All I can say brother is my wife struggled as a new mother at home alone all day with a baby/toddler. Pregnancy was super exhausting for my wife as well. Worse yet, the world really looks down on stay at home moms so I'm betting SHE feels like a lazy loser (because that's how the warped world looks at motherhood now). In sum, she's grumpy and depressed likely and I certainly would be to if I were in her shoes- stuck at home all day (especially with Covid going on).

It's actually a really huge blessing that you get to jump up and go to work and "kill it" in the business world. Reading between the lines you're sort of announcing your superiority to your wife but the reality is- YOU actually have it pretty good because you're not stuck all day in the monotony of motherhood and feeling like you can't get anything done.

I don't mean to excuse her harsh/suspicious treatment of you. I think you should take that on as it occurs. That's unacceptable.

Frankly, you both sound a little immature but I was even more immature than you when I had a three year old. Best wishes my brother. Parenting is HARD but worthwhile!

I appreciate that, and some of it makes good sense about how she may feel about herself whether she realizes it or not.

I/we both have it pretty good, I try to remain grateful and keep things in perspective. I just want to be treated with respect and feel like I have a teammate in my corner in my wife.


Don't do the 180 ****. Doesn't work. Have a chat with your wife and tell us what you told us here. Then say you can't cope anymore and that you are arranging for a nanny to take your place. Move out for a few weeks or until she "gets it". It might be never. Pregnant women survive without husbands... ;) She will be very angry with you, but hey, you need your sanity. All this if you are prepared to go through divorce, otherwise you will stuck in Dante's Inferno all your life. Good luck!
I have told her things like this. She will typically try to turn it back around on me and point out my flaws. But something MUST change and I'm going to try my best and if she doesn't improve I will force myself to make a change. Thanks.


The amount of leeway you are giving to this woman is excessive. As such, her victim mentality will continue to grow and she will learn nothing.

I agree with you that the popular opinion is to look down on SAHM these days. Thankfully, the popular opinion is carried by those who don't matter. Those are the same people that harbor a million other ridiculous values that make no sense.

This is about OP and his wife. Not outside cultural influence.

Telling OP that pregnancy, motherhood and being a SAHM is tough and exhausting is treating her like a child. It is stripping her of her agency and relieving her of any responsibility for her actions. And her actions are quite telling. I don't care how difficult her job is in her marriage - treating OP like a piece of sh1t every hour of every single day is unsustainable for OP- even for the most forgiving of people. She isn't just destroying this man's life, she is drastically affecting his ability to parent their children. So, she is harming her children as well.

Pregnancy, motherhood and being a SAHM is absolutely difficult. No question. An honorable and fulfilling job for many women, but it does not excuse her behavior. She is doing a piss poor job and offers nothing to their relationship or household. If OP acted the way she acted at his job, he'd be fired within a week. That is an absolute fact. If his wife can't get her act together, I think OP should do the same. Fire her.
Thing is, when I finally complain to her about how she treats me. She will say things like "you're always the victim, poor you. Get over yourself and man up!"



You can’t “fire” your wife. I think OP complaining about getting up early and rushing off to work is immature too. All we’re getting is his side and I think she has a tougher, more thankless, and probably works more hours than he does.

I said he just needs to take on her bad behavior when it happens... no point in journaling it for us. I never said be her floor mat.
Never complained about getting up for work, disagree with your "immature" take.

P.S. I work more hours than her. Her "work" is typically Mon-Fri between 8-4. That's 40 hours. I work 9 hours a day at my office, come home and work 4 more hours of being dad and chores, and on the weekends it's pretty much all me. I will take our son from the time he wakes until he goes to bed. She may come along if we go somewhere or may chip in a little but weekends are probably 80/20 (80 being me). Not to mention holidays and vacations when I'm out of the office, similar split or maybe 60/40 (60 me).

We never asked him about their sex life.
Good point. It's almost non-existent at this point. Which is a BIG part of our problem IMO. But how can I be intimate or in the mood to try? I know it's partly my personality/issue, but it's hard! Before she got pregnant, it was already sluggish (maybe 1/week) and now it's been like once in the past 2 months. And she will always put it on me, even though I've been the one to instigate sex for a long time now. And she will complain that we don't have more sex and that I don't passionately kiss her anymore. Why because I'm always turned off and in my own head about everything. On top of being exhausted, lol. To add more fun to this, I have a heart condition which doesn't help.


He can’t share 50% of child care responsibilities if he’s gone 40hours per week plus the commute.

My wife wasn’t the best housekeeper either.. but she fed, played with, read to my babies all day long and they grew up knowing they are/were loved.

But heck, just thought someone on here should stick up for the voiceless SAHM here. I just hope OP will work to pick her up versus throw her away.
Thank you again, I'm trying and the last thing I want is divorce.

My wife does work hard to be a good mom, this is true and part of why I love her and appreciate her. I'd rather have a messy house than kids being neglected for example.


its one of the main reasons I stay at places like TAM. I want to learn as much as I can about how men and women interact with each other - not only for my own marriage (which TAM has greatly helped), but also for my twins (boy and a girl).
I feel like I’ve got the boy locked down good. I can easily pass on the proper values to becoming a good man. I worry though about my daughter. I am terrified for her to learn and absorb modern culture outside of our home. I would be mortified if she ever turned into what OP is dealing with in his house.
OP’s wife is acting like an entitled brat - and our modern culture is teaching this to be ok.

OP needs a 50/50 marriage where both partners are looking to help and hold each other up. OP appears to be trying to hold up his wife while she is looking to constantly tear him down.
This.

I'm yearning for a true partner who has my back and thinks more of me or at least treats me like she thinks I'm a good person and worthwhile. I feel unappreciated and worthless at times, but I know I'm valuable. What does Dr. Phil say? Something like

Yes, she does act like a brat a lot. I blame her parents, ha!
 

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No offense, but your life sounds hellish.

I hope you get to the point someday you can divorce. Being a single parent will be so much of a better life, sounds like.

As you children get older, they will notice how your wife treats you and view you the same way she does, with contempt. Get out of the marriage before their view of you is permanently warped by her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #37 ·
The positives...

My wife is not perfect, but she is a good mom and works very hard to make sure all my son's needs are met every day. She tries her best to keep him on a schedule and we've done a lot of good things together as parents. Our son is overall a very happy content kid. She tries to feed him fresh and healthy food, doesn't want him to have too much screen time, and wants to keep him active and engaged with mind stimulating activities.

She is fun-loving and we enjoy going out to eat, movies, wine tasting, breweries, picnics and traveling. She can be light-hearted and funny at times.

Yes she is beautiful and I fell in love with her looks right away when we met. We've had a lot of great sex, mostly earlier on. But I think we can get it back if we just break through some of the resentment and things that have brought us to this place.

She is unfortunately the type that treats those closest to her the worst. She almost literally says everything that comes into her mind. Whereas I'm more reserved and calculated. She does have a temper and has insecurities, especially after having a kid and gaining weight, etc. She's at home most of the time while I'm out at work talking to other adults, going to lunches, etc.

I have to find a way to reach her and I think it's going to come down to me being the one who creates the change. If I get up and start cleaning on the weekend, she will follow. If I do a nice thing, she will follow. If I get offended/upset about something she did/said and I shut down and start getting "cold" around her, she will do the same and we end up snowballing to where we are today.

I'm going to have to dig deep and figure this out.
 

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Discussion Starter · #38 ·
No offense, but your life sounds hellish.

I hope you get to the point someday you can divorce. Being a single parent will be so much of a better life, sounds like.

As you children get older, they will notice how your wife treats you and view you the same way she does, with contempt. Get out of the marriage before their view of you is permanently warped by her.
I'm definitely concerned with that and keeping it in mind. I don't want me son to seek out a woman that doesn't treat him how he deserves to be treated. And I want my son to respect me. So I don't have much time and within a year or 2, there will be a fork in the road, no doubt.
 

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Thanks for all the replies and feedback/advice/etc. I appreciate it. I'll do my best to respond to some of this but don't have the time to hit on every single reply/comment.



Fair enough, and if it got THAT bad I'd be gone.




I never have cheated, either way. No.

She is definitely the jealous/controlling type by nature and I think always has been before me (knowing what I know now). One issue she has is that my ex (right before her) I met at work so she has an insecurity about me being at work around women. (the ex doesn't work with me and hasn't since shortly after we broke up).

No excuse because again, I've never cheated.




Fair point, and ultimately I'm going to have to let go of that idea ("bad guy"). TBH, I'm a people pleaser (to some extent). But at the end of the day, I want my family together not apart so I'm going to do everything I can to keep it that way. But you're right it may not be sustainable unless something changes.

We are very different in a lot of ways, and one big way is that I'm typically very genuine in my interactions with people whereas she was raised and by nature is more sarcastic and less sentimental - however on the inside she is sensitive and cares about sentimental things, if that makes sense. For her to give a compliment is very hard, she was raised that way. "Don't want you to get a big head or anything!" But she needs/wants compliments, ha.




Some truth here, but you might be making a leap with some of your comments/assumptions.

Honestly, she is a pretty functional person with possibly a personality disorder. I don't like to speculate or diagnose, but narcissistic or borderline personality type behavior at times. And I empathize with that as I know people I love with true mental health issues. But still no excuse for treating people poorly.

I HAVE stood up to her, many times. It blows up worse, I have to pick my battles and really be careful with how I respond.




The $600 is just what I give her out of my paycheck for spending money. Thanks for the reccomendation.




Hard to hear, but some facts here.

I really need to stick to a plan, do my best and if she doesn't come along it will be time to move on.





I appreciate that, and some of it makes good sense about how she may feel about herself whether she realizes it or not.

I/we both have it pretty good, I try to remain grateful and keep things in perspective. I just want to be treated with respect and feel like I have a teammate in my corner in my wife.




I have told her things like this. She will typically try to turn it back around on me and point out my flaws. But something MUST change and I'm going to try my best and if she doesn't improve I will force myself to make a change. Thanks.




Thing is, when I finally complain to her about how she treats me. She will say things like "you're always the victim, poor you. Get over yourself and man up!"





Never complained about getting up for work, disagree with your "immature" take.

P.S. I work more hours than her. Her "work" is typically Mon-Fri between 8-4. That's 40 hours. I work 9 hours a day at my office, come home and work 4 more hours of being dad and chores, and on the weekends it's pretty much all me. I will take our son from the time he wakes until he goes to bed. She may come along if we go somewhere or may chip in a little but weekends are probably 80/20 (80 being me). Not to mention holidays and vacations when I'm out of the office, similar split or maybe 60/40 (60 me).



Good point. It's almost non-existent at this point. Which is a BIG part of our problem IMO. But how can I be intimate or in the mood to try? I know it's partly my personality/issue, but it's hard! Before she got pregnant, it was already sluggish (maybe 1/week) and now it's been like once in the past 2 months. And she will always put it on me, even though I've been the one to instigate sex for a long time now. And she will complain that we don't have more sex and that I don't passionately kiss her anymore. Why because I'm always turned off and in my own head about everything. On top of being exhausted, lol. To add more fun to this, I have a heart condition which doesn't help.




Thank you again, I'm trying and the last thing I want is divorce.

My wife does work hard to be a good mom, this is true and part of why I love her and appreciate her. I'd rather have a messy house than kids being neglected for example.




This.

I'm yearning for a true partner who has my back and thinks more of me or at least treats me like she thinks I'm a good person and worthwhile. I feel unappreciated and worthless at times, but I know I'm valuable. What does Dr. Phil say? Something like

Yes, she does act like a brat a lot. I blame her parents, ha!
Brother, you need to love and respect yourself. Women are attracted to men that respect and stand up for themselves. She walks all over you because you allow it.

I see that you are scared of her “blowing up” when you argue.

so what?

let her blow up. Calmly tell her that you don’t see any reason to continue any discussion with her until she can speak to you in a calm, respectful manner.

then leave. Take your 3 year old with you. Go to a park. Enjoy yourself with your child.

what is your wife going to do? Yell at herself in your house?

she’s probably going to blow up your phone. Turn it off. There is no reason to speak with her if she is going to be this way.

this is going to take some time. You’ve conditioned her Into believing that you will accept her hourly sh1t tests. Phew. I had to take a step back from my computer for a second. HOURLY SH1T TESTS.

I don’t know how you do it.

2 things can happen here once you knock down her sh1t tests.

1. shes Crazy. It never gets better. I understand you want to save your marriage, but what are you saving? She puts 100% of her time into making your life a living hell. So much so that you don’t even want to have sex with her. That is bad, dude. Really bad. If she keeps up her tirade for months on end when you stand up for yourself, you need to leave. That is no environment for your children to grow up in.

2. she becomes attracted to your new found spine. She starts to notice that her blowups are no longer working. She starts to calm herself and realize that respectful discussion is the only way that you will communicate with her. At this point, you can start to discuss your marital issues and come up with a plan where both partners look to help each other and lift each other up in a loving, happy marriage and family. I think marriage counceling at this point would help -but she absolutely needs to show that she will work with you once you start respecting yourself.

Speaking of communication, I strongly believe you need to cut off all communication with her during the work day UNLESS

1. it’s an emergency
2. It’s something important to discuss about your child.

all other communication can wait until you get home because she clearly has nothing important to say and is in fact interrupting you from doing your job properly. You didn’t say it outright, but my guess is that you are consciously thinking About where ever you are walking all day at work wondering when the next text is coming in. Should I walk over to Janice’s desk to get that report? Maybe I shouldn’t. Wife will know I walked over there and it will start an argument. I better call Janice to come over to me to drop it off.
That crap can’t happen. You have to be able to do your job effectively without your wife interrupting you all freaking day.
 

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Brother, you need to love and respect yourself. Women are attracted to men that respect and stand up for themselves. She walks all over you because you allow it.

I see that you are scared of her “blowing up” when you argue.

so what?

let her blow up. Calmly tell her that you don’t see any reason to continue any discussion with her until she can speak to you in a calm, respectful manner.

then leave. Take your 3 year old with you. Go to a park. Enjoy yourself with your child.

what is your wife going to do? Yell at herself in your house?

she’s probably going to blow up your phone. Turn it off. There is no reason to speak with her if she is going to be this way.

this is going to take some time. You’ve conditioned her Into believing that you will accept her hourly sh1t tests. Phew. I had to take a step back from my computer for a second. HOURLY SH1T TESTS.

I don’t know how you do it.

2 things can happen here once you knock down her sh1t tests.

1. shes Crazy. It never gets better. I understand you want to save your marriage, but what are you saving? She puts 100% of her time into making your life a living hell. So much so that you don’t even want to have sex with her. That is bad, dude. Really bad. If she keeps up her tirade for months on end when you stand up for yourself, you need to leave. That is no environment for your children to grow up in.

2. she becomes attracted to your new found spine. She starts to notice that her blowups are no longer working. She starts to calm herself and realize that respectful discussion is the only way that you will communicate with her. At this point, you can start to discuss your marital issues and come up with a plan where both partners look to help each other and lift each other up in a loving, happy marriage and family. I think marriage counceling at this point would help -but she absolutely needs to show that she will work with you once you start respecting yourself.

Speaking of communication, I strongly believe you need to cut off all communication with her during the work day UNLESS

1. it’s an emergency
2. It’s something important to discuss about your child.

all other communication can wait until you get home because she clearly has nothing important to say and is in fact interrupting you from doing your job properly. You didn’t say it outright, but my guess is that you are consciously thinking About where ever you are walking all day at work wondering when the next text is coming in. Should I walk over to Janice’s desk to get that report? Maybe I shouldn’t. Wife will know I walked over there and it will start an argument. I better call Janice to come over to me to drop it off.
That crap can’t happen. You have to be able to do your job effectively without your wife interrupting you all freaking day.
Appreciate that, amigo!
 
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