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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm here privately, my wife would flip if she knew I did this. So I already feel a bit strange, but hope to grow more comfortable with it over time.

I needed a place to vent and hopefully receive some feedback/support. If nothing else, maybe it will be slightly therapeutic to write this stuff down.

So, I suppose this is my first "entry" of sorts.

My wife and I have been struggling for years on and off in our marriage. We've been together for almost 10 years, married for almost 8 years. TBH, she has changed over time (I have, too). It was progressive. At first she was more easy going and treated me well. Once we got engaged, she started treating me differently (was a bit more "mean" at times). Once we got married, it got a little worse. Then we had a child, got a little worse. We are now surprised with our 2nd pregnancy and will have a 2nd child (if all goes well) in a few months. Exciting, but also concerning and scary.

The unfortunate part (in my mind) is that we have it SO GOOD in life. We should be happy! But it seems that it's never enough for her. Constant negativity, critiquing of my every move, controlling behavior on her part, verbal/emotional abuse (IMHO) on me, and concerning behavior in front our our 3 yo son. I've tried counselling, she squashed that when it didn't go her way. I feel like a prisoner in my own home/life.

I know I am not perfect! I have my weaknesses and can accept responsibility for my short-falls. But at this point, I'm feeling defeated, depressed, anxious, hopeless and lost.

Dear Diary, I will be sharing how my days go, general happenings, and promise to be 100% honest in this. More to come...
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
This is VERY boring, but I need to do this. I make a nice income and we are very fortunate. She gets $600/month direct deposited into her own account that I don't see or touch. We have a joint checking/savings that she also spends out of for whatever she wants. I'm the sole provider, which is what I wanted so my wife could be home with the kid(s). She agreed and wanted that, too. She hasn't worked in 4 years.

Typical day for me:

Wake up 6:00 am. Try to be as quiet as possible so my wife can stay in bed (and sometimes our 3 yo climbs in bed with us, but not often). Get in shower and get ready for work, leave for work 6:35. Hug and kiss my wife goodbye. Usually hear something like "get home early". I'm not allowed to wear cologne, btw. Not that I care to for work, but if she smells hair product or deodorant, she'll ask to make sure it's not cologne. She will also critique my clothes if I'm dressed too nicely she doesn't like it.

Get to work at 7:00 am. I am a VP for my company, have an extremely busy schedule and work in stressful environment.

Conference calls, meetings, employee issues, analyze/report data, field customer complaints, resolve issues, hire/fire, etc.

By 8:00 am, everyday, I proactively text my wife nice things to start her day. "Good morning, miss you, love you, have a good day" Etc.

More conference calls, meetings, employee issues, analyze/report data, field customer complaints, resolve issues, hire/fire, etc.

All while fielding random texts by my wife. Sometimes normal, sometimes asking where I am and what I'm doing or just complaining about anything.

She tracks me on my phone by GPS (thanks a lot Apple "Find Friends"). Literally saying things like "it looks like you're in the customer service department, what are you doing, who are you talking to?" or "are you in the parking lot, what is going on".
Sometimes criticizing something I did or didn't do at home, like "you left a dish in the sink, wtf??" or "why didn't you put your shorts away last night??". Keep in mind, she is maybe the sloppiest person I've met. She has crap literally everywhere cluttering our house.
I call her every day at lunch sometime between 11:30 - 1:30 and talk for about 15 minutes. Every, day. Whether I'm slammed at work on not.

If I haven't left work by about 3:50, I start getting texts like "why aren't you driving home yet?", "what is going on, who are you talking to?". If I don't leave until 4:00, rare, but it happens on busier days then I really get blasted with texts and/or phone calls demanding immediate response and complaints that I'm not going to be home early enough!

Arrive home around 4:15 and give my son and wife hugs and kisses. Usual response by my wife is a fake smile, half-hearted hug/kiss, and then telling me to hurry up and go play with my son and dictating what we should do/play.

Play with my son until dinner time around 6:15. Sometimes I help cook dinner (maybe twice a week and every weekend cook more than during the week). I'm 100% responsible for making sure my son eats dinner each night, even if I have to feed him every bite. Which is fine. Usually while hearing more complaints about how I'm doing things around the house. Eat dinner and hear my wife complain about how I don't talk enough. When I do talk, I get confronted or argued with. Silly example but it feels like: I could say "The sky was blue today"....her response would be: "no it was actually blue but with some clouds so no it wasn't blue, you dummy". She will literally call me dumb, not smart, incompetent, etc. and usually with my son around. Gee, wonder why I don't talk more?!

Finish dinner. Usually hearing a complaining about how I don't feed my son properly. I clean the kitchen 99% of the time even when I cook and put food on the table. Start bath for my son, do bath time and start reading books and doing bedtime - we usually do this together. Read books to my son. While I read I usually hear things like "gosh you read so slow", "hurry up and read!", "you are the worst at story time" etc. My wife then leaves the room and I stay in my son's room until he's falling asleep and sneak out (usually around 8:30 pm). Every night, 7/week.

So by 8:45 or so, I can then try to relax. But wait, trash needs to go out, might be some leftover dishes to put away. Might be laundry to put away. So I'll do that and then finally sit down. Usually she'll only want to watch her reality tv (I call trash tv) so I scroll my phone and catch up on sports for the day etc. If there is a big game or something I go into the other room to watch if I need to. by 9:15 my wife is asking me to bring her a treat, drink, etc. and then I have to rub her back and/or hair and she falls asleep laying on me on the couch by 9:30-10:00. I scroll my phone and watch tv and fall asleep sometimes or just stay awake since it's my only quiet time for me and I'm in bed/asleep by 11-12 each night only to start again at 6 am.
 

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Welcome to life.

If you don’t like it, change it.

Hopefully you like the kids because they’re pretty hard to change. If you don’t, then don’t let them do things that make you not like them (like jumping into bed would be a no no for me).

Start doing more of what you want, and the reason is because I want to. If you want to text her then text her. If you don’t, you’re busy and you’ll get back to her when you have time. You’ll find out if she is unstable or unhinged pretty fast.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Today my wife complained that I didn't take time off work and plan a trip for our 1st date anniversary that is coming up.

I started to try and make plans and she complained that I wasn't doing it at the right time. So I stopped and tried to defend myself and she told me to "shut the **** up and do your part and I don't have the patience to deal with you sometimes, I want to slap you across the face".

She's pregnant, so things are worse than usual. But just more of the same.
 

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I started to try and make plans and she complained that I wasn't doing it at the right time. So I stopped and tried to defend myself and she told me to "shut the **** up and do your part and I don't have the patience to deal with you sometimes, I want to slap you across the face".
Lol. You put up with this why exactly? What’s the good part?
 

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This is VERY boring, but I need to do this. I make a nice income and we are very fortunate. She gets $600/month direct deposited into her own account that I don't see or touch. We have a joint checking/savings that she also spends out of for whatever she wants. I'm the sole provider, which is what I wanted so my wife could be home with the kid(s). She agreed and wanted that, too. She hasn't worked in 4 years.

Typical day for me:

Wake up 6:00 am. Try to be as quiet as possible so my wife can stay in bed (and sometimes our 3 yo climbs in bed with us, but not often). Get in shower and get ready for work, leave for work 6:35. Hug and kiss my wife goodbye. Usually hear something like "get home early". I'm not allowed to wear cologne, btw. Not that I care to for work, but if she smells hair product or deodorant, she'll ask to make sure it's not cologne. She will also critique my clothes if I'm dressed too nicely she doesn't like it.
This is SUPER controlling. Why does she care if you have on cologne or dress nice for work? Sounds like she is super jealous about you and "expects" that you are cheating if you dress nice or smell good.

Get to work at 7:00 am. I am a VP for my company, have an extremely busy schedule and work in stressful environment.

Conference calls, meetings, employee issues, analyze/report data, field customer complaints, resolve issues, hire/fire, etc.

By 8:00 am, everyday, I proactively text my wife nice things to start her day. "Good morning, miss you, love you, have a good day" Etc.
Does SHE ever respond with something nice to you?

More conference calls, meetings, employee issues, analyze/report data, field customer complaints, resolve issues, hire/fire, etc.

All while fielding random texts by my wife. Sometimes normal, sometimes asking where I am and what I'm doing or just complaining about anything.

She tracks me on my phone by GPS (thanks a lot Apple "Find Friends"). Literally saying things like "it looks like you're in the customer service department, what are you doing, who are you talking to?" or "are you in the parking lot, what is going on".
Again this is really paranoid and controlling. Do YOU have access to HER GPS also? Have you ever checked out where she is and send a similar message? If not WHY NOT?

Sometimes criticizing something I did or didn't do at home, like "you left a dish in the sink, wtf??" or "why didn't you put your shorts away last night??". Keep in mind, she is maybe the sloppiest person I've met. She has crap literally everywhere cluttering our house.
I call her every day at lunch sometime between 11:30 - 1:30 and talk for about 15 minutes. Every, day. Whether I'm slammed at work on not.

If I haven't left work by about 3:50, I start getting texts like "why aren't you driving home yet?", "what is going on, who are you talking to?". If I don't leave until 4:00, rare, but it happens on busier days then I really get blasted with texts and/or phone calls demanding immediate response and complaints that I'm not going to be home early enough!
I would stop responding to these types of texts completely. Tell her you are at work and can't be texting all the time.

Arrive home around 4:15 and give my son and wife hugs and kisses. Usual response by my wife is a fake smile, half-hearted hug/kiss, and then telling me to hurry up and go play with my son and dictating what we should do/play.
Are you his father? Then why don't you play with him what YOU BOTH want to play? Why does SHE get to dictate that? STOP doing that immediately. You have let her control you FAR too much. By not stopping this, you are training HER to get away with this stuff. Stop it now.

Play with my son until dinner time around 6:15. Sometimes I help cook dinner (maybe twice a week and every weekend cook more than during the week). I'm 100% responsible for making sure my son eats dinner each night, even if I have to feed him every bite. Which is fine. Usually while hearing more complaints about how I'm doing things around the house. Eat dinner and hear my wife complain about how I don't talk enough. When I do talk, I get confronted or argued with. Silly example but it feels like: I could say "The sky was blue today"....her response would be: "no it was actually blue but with some clouds so no it wasn't blue, you dummy". She will literally call me dumb, not smart, incompetent, etc. and usually with my son around. Gee, wonder why I don't talk more?!
What does SHE do (or did she do). When she does this to you, esp, in front of your son, TELL HER TO STOP. She isn't not only training YOU to accept this, she (and your non-reaction) is showing your son that being treated like that is acceptable behavior in a marriage. Do you want HIM to think this is OK? You need to start standing up for yourself.
Who cares if she gets mad.

Finish dinner. Usually hearing a complaining about how I don't feed my son properly.
So, next time tell her good, you get to feed him tomorrow night (AND STICK WITH THAT).
I clean the kitchen 99% of the time even when I cook and put food on the table. Start bath for my son, do bath time and start reading books and doing bedtime - we usually do this together. Read books to my son. While I read I usually hear things like "gosh you read so slow", "hurry up and read!", "you are the worst at story time" etc. My wife then leaves the room and I stay in my son's room until he's falling asleep and sneak out (usually around 8:30 pm). Every night, 7/week.

So by 8:45 or so, I can then try to relax. But wait, trash needs to go out, might be some leftover dishes to put away. Might be laundry to put away. So I'll do that and then finally sit down.
So what does SHE do all day if you have to put away dishes, take out the trash, and put away laundry?
Simple, stop jumping to do what she wants when she wants it. Or just tell her -- YOU can put that away.

Usually she'll only want to watch her reality tv (I call trash tv) so I scroll my phone and catch up on sports for the day etc. If there is a big game or something I go into the other room to watch if I need to. by 9:15 my wife is asking me to bring her a treat, drink, etc. and then I have to rub her back and/or hair and she falls asleep laying on me on the couch by 9:30-10:00. I scroll my phone and watch tv and fall asleep sometimes or just stay awake since it's my only quiet time for me and I'm in bed/asleep by 11-12 each night only to start again at 6 am.
So if she is watching crap, why bother sitting there at all? You aren't interacting with her -- there no "close" time there, so why bother? As for YOU getting her drink/treat/etc. --- does she ever get it for YOU?
How about "I got you that last night -- it's your turn"
Dude, take her off the pedestal.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Lol. You put up with this why exactly? What’s the good part?
I ask myself this frequently. I feel trapped I guess.

If I leave, I'm the bad guy that deserted his family. I contribute to a broken family and my kids suffer. I'd rather suffer than my kids suffer. I want to break the cycle of divorce and dysfunction. I'm trying my best tbh.

I've tried many times to tell her that I don't appreciate being disrespected, etc. I know I'm a little sensitive in nature, but don't feel that most people would put up with her.

Our discussions always go sideways, she will change the subject and villainize and/or discredit me.

I don't want to end up a single parent trying to co-parent with her.
 

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Today my wife complained that I didn't take time off work and plan a trip for our 1st date anniversary that is coming up.

I started to try and make plans and she complained that I wasn't doing it at the right time. So I stopped and tried to defend myself and she told me to "shut the **** up and do your part and I don't have the patience to deal with you sometimes, I want to slap you across the face".

She's pregnant, so things are worse than usual. But just more of the same.
Again, simple. Ok if you don't like what I'm doing, YOU now get to do it since you know everything.
You already know she is going to get pissed off -- she is NOW even with you NOT standing up to her.
So, stand up to her. You are going to get crap either way. At least this way, your son will see that what she is doing is not acceptable.
Is it ok for your 3 year old to hear Mommy saying she is going to slap Daddy? You want HIM to think that is OK?

"Our discussions always go sideways, she will change the subject and villainize and/or discredit me.
"
So don't let her -- bring it RIGHT back on topic. Tell her that you won't let her deflect HER guilt away by doing this. What she is doing is pure manipulation, and you are allowing her to do it.
"
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Dude, take her off the pedestal.

I fully agree with everything, thank you for the reply.

I have tried a lot of those things, results were WORSE. She is who she is.

It seems like I have to choose between letting myself suffer or causing suffering for her and my kid(s).

I know I've helped create the monster she is. But I don't deserve it. I'm glad to be a nice and accommodating person, it's my nature. It's not reciprocated though. And anything I've done wrong in the past is carried and presented any any moment when she needs some "ammo". It's like my worst moments are what defines me (in her mind). And it's the family/genes she was brought up with, there is no changing her.

I'm the type that let's her do pretty much whatever. Go with her girlfriends to happy hour or on a weekend trip on occasion. No way in heck I would be allowed to do a lot of what she does. Every once in a while I try to golf and it's like pulling teeth with her and I usually end up feeling like crap and not fully enjoying myself.

I don't know if leaving/separating would help wake her up and change things, but it's getting to that point. However, she is pregnant so I don't feel I can leave anytime soon. And any pushback on her will cause stress which isn't good for the pregnancy. So I'm the bad guy, always.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
She's literally impossible to deal with. I was getting to the point of considering moving out to have time apart but then she got pregnant and I can't do it now.
 

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She's literally impossible to deal with. I was getting to the point of considering moving out to have time apart but then she got pregnant and I can't do it now.
You actually can. Talk to an attorney if you need to in order to figure out the best way to do it.
 

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You need to start doing this:
180 for Betrayed Spouses
and doing what YOU want -- she is not your Mommy -- you don't have to get permission.
Instead of "Honey, can I go play golf tomorrow" just say "I know we don't have anything planned -- I'm going to play golf"

With HER so worried about YOU -- what do you think she is getting up to when going out for Happy hour or a weekend trip? I'd be very worried that something is going on there....
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
You need to start doing this:
180 for Betrayed Spouses
and doing what YOU want -- she is not your Mommy -- you don't have to get permission.
Instead of "Honey, can I go play golf tomorrow" just say "I know we don't have anything planned -- I'm going to play golf"

With HER so worried about YOU -- what do you think she is getting up to when going out for Happy hour or a weekend trip? I'd be very worried that something is going on there....
Some great stuff there, thank you. I've done a lot of those steps, but need to keep reading and trying more of those things.

Here is some of my experience so far:

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner. - it's worked out perfectly for her, she doesn't like doing much for me directly.

7. Don’t ask for reassurances. - I don't.

9. Don’t schedule dates together. - I'm criticized for not planning more dates, and when I try it's not the right restaurant or plans. So I sit back and wait for her to. She doesn't and then I'm back to being the bad guy. We recently went on a date night and she proceeded to yell at me in the car on the way to the restaurant. I tried not to react/retaliate. Then I was criticized for not talking enough and for not being in a cheery mood. I wanted to make reservations, but according to her we didn't need to and then we ended up with a bad table and I was criticized for not doing more to get a better table. It never ends.

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent. - I try, but fail a lot because the way she treats me is hurting me and I can't act happy.

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to! - Yep, and then I just get constant complaints for that.

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested. - I pretty much do this, works great for her as she does what she wants when she wants - it seems.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them! - I think she has at times and then pulls me back in and I fall for it or just give up.

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing. - I've gotten better at this but I'm a human and not perfect.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value. - Doing my best here!


20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF! - again, trying and doing pretty well but I break every once in a while.

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic. - Yep and I get called "fuddy duddy" or whatever and that's not me.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! - do this a lot and trying to not engage in it.

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more! - This is all I do.

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything. - do this A LOT.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy. - I've learned to stop this which goes against "taking care of myself" so basically I'm shut down and bottling it all up.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!” - getting harder by the day!


33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. - when I do this she just tells me that I'm victimizing myself and makes me feel worse.
 

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Don’t read into the BS 180 literally. You want a 180 in the sense of do the opposite of what you have been doing.

So whatever you’re doing now, don’t. It’s not working.

If she’s treating you poorly as you describe then do what you want and don’t worry about anyone else. Absolute statements like:

I just feel it's wrong to leave a pregnant woman, I don't think I can do that yet.
What if she started kicking you in the balls full force every day? What if she stabbed you in the face?

Her being pregnant doesn’t suddenly raise her to saint status. You can’t let her treat you like crap because if you do why should she change her behavior?

You take care of yourself and what you need to do in order to remain sane and hopefully get some happiness back.
 

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I do have to ask - did you ever cheat on her, physically or emotionally? Because that is how her behavior reads. That would not be an excuse for that behavior, but it would make more sense. Just curious.
 

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I ask myself this frequently. I feel trapped I guess.

If I leave, I'm the bad guy
So?


Seriously, so what. Be the bad guy. After reading your first two posts, your life can't possibly suck much worse than where you are right now. Being the "bad guy" here would be a massive upgrade.

Of all my real life friends, of all the stories I've read on here, I have never heard of someone that goes out of their way to make their spouse's life a living hell every single hour of the day.

Literally.

You just gave us the play by play of your entire day and this woman doesn't let up until she falls asleep. Are you at least allowed to sleep, or does she wake you up every 30 minutes to b*tch at you again? How is this even possible? I mean, she has to be exhausted by the end of the day with the amount of nagging she does all day.

FFS, turn off your GPS at work, or leave your phone at your desk.

Lastly, I have yet to see you mention one good thing about her. She must be smoking hot and truly amazing in bed for you to put up with this amount of bullsh$t.

This is unsustainable. There is no way you can keep this up forever. It will eventually start affecting your work and you can't lose your job since your wife does nothing. Absolutely nothing. She doesn't work and you said she is a slob so clearly she isn't helping at home.
 
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