My Issues

1516 Views 16 Replies 9 Participants Last post by DiZ, Oct 18, 2012

DiZ

Discussion Starter · Oct 13, 2012

We all have them. Mine is insecurity and a fear of abandonment. My husband of 23 yrs. left me for another woman and come to find out he cheated on me on and off the whole time. I don't have to tell you what that does to someone. Now I am over the marriage, over him, it's been 15 yrs. since the divorce but I still have the scar.

I have been married to my second husband for 4 yrs. He is a flirt. Of course he doesn't think he is but I am sure the women he flirts with surely thinks he is flirting.

Married women, single women in the neighborhood, on and on. He calls them, goes over the blows their leaves. He makes sure I know that they hug him and tell him he is sweet to help.

I have had it. I spend most days crying about it. I then internalize it and wonder if I am the one with the problem.

Now he has a need to have everyone like him. Male and female. That is his insecurity.

He just does not get it that he is showing me disrespect. He does this all in front of me. He called the lady down the street and asked her if she had a nice vacation and teased her. Then she saw me later and said oh your husband called and I thought o that was nice of him. You could tell she kind of thought it was weird that he called. Now I have to face these women and they are probably thinking we are having problems and why is he calling me? Is he flirting? even tho he does it in front of me who knows what he is doing behind my back.

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KathyBatesel

· #2 · Oct 13, 2012

I think that you might be overreacting a little in assuming he is being disrespectful, but yes, his behavior is a bit over the top, too.

My husband is a little similar, but not to be liked. He just is genuinely kind. He scrapes our neighbor's drive when it snows because they're an elderly couple. His parents live behind us and he often helps them, too. I'd feel differently if it was single women, but he's never excluded me and I have sometimes taken part and sometimes don't.

The best solution I can offer is to ask him to agree to include you in all of his social calls so that neighbors will perceive you as a friendly couple and you won't have to fear they'll think he's trying to escape you. Yes, it means doing something you might not want to, but it can resolve the issue and strengthen your bond if he feels supported by your participation.

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DiZ

Discussion Starter · #3 · Oct 13, 2012

Thank you so much. He always does this stuff in front of me. This neighborhood is very very friendly. Everyone knows one another, has for 30 years. He always includes me. I get confused because I tell this to friends and they say I have every right to be upset and that he should respect my feelings and stop it. Thing is he does this with waiters, waitresses, everyone so it only isn't just women. Thank you again.

growtogether

· #4 · Oct 13, 2012

What may be your ideal situation here? How would you like your husband to be around you? What is respect for you?

SimplyAmorous

· #5 · Oct 13, 2012

DiZ said: He called the lady down the street and asked her if she had a nice vacation and teased her. Then she saw me later and said oh your husband called and I thought o that was nice of him. You could tell she kind of thought it was weird that he called. Now I have to face these women and they are probably thinking we are having problems and why is he calling me?

Over the top.... Yes....your husband is WAY TOO friendly, a lot of people like this are annoying to others... they try to act nice in response.... but really...they are thinking "God, is it HIM again?!!" - like can't he leave me alone.

There is a guy in my church like this, he is kinda lonely, he is single though... I know he annoys the crap out of the women... He thinks he is being friendly, or masks his behavior as such..... but I know it is to fill a void. He'll lightly flirt with every women in his presence....married & single..... and half of them want to go crawl under a rock somewhere.

I have had it. I spend most days crying about it. I then internalize it and wonder if I am the one with the problem.

Does he have any MALE friends that can talk to him... cause really, I am sure some of them feel he is TOO MUCH too and may have a clue how this can hurt a wife.

I am all for sharing with your spouse how something Hurts within, but my guess he is a sanguine temperament and he is So very USED to being this way, that it will take some discipline to stop suddenly.... he needs to understand that it makes others uncomfortable -even though they don't outright tell him this to his face...and he should NOT need this validation from other women - to boost his ego.

Where do you feel this comes from, what has happened in his past....To cause these insecurities ??

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DiZ

Discussion Starter · #6 · Oct 14, 2012

growtogether said:
What may be your ideal situation here? How would you like your husband to be around you? What is respect for you?

For him not to flirt with any women.
Respect for me is thinking about my feelings and how his behavior will affect me.

DiZ

Discussion Starter · #7 · Oct 14, 2012

SimplyAmorous said:
Over the top.... Yes....your husband is WAY TOO friendly, a lot of people like this are annoying to others... they try to act nice in response.... but really...they are thinking "God, is it HIM again?!!" - like can't he leave me alone.

There is a guy in my church like this, he is kinda lonely, he is single though... I know he annoys the crap out of the women... He thinks he is being friendly, or masks his behavior as such..... but I know it is to fill a void. He'll lightly flirt with every women in his presence....married & single..... and half of them want to go crawl under a rock somewhere.

Does he have any MALE friends that can talk to him... cause really, I am sure some of them feel he is TOO MUCH too and may have a clue how this can hurt a wife.

I am all for sharing with your spouse how something Hurts within, but my guess he is a sanguine temperament and he is So very USED to being this way, that it will take some discipline to stop suddenly.... he needs to understand that it makes others uncomfortable -even though they don't outright tell him this to his face...and he should NOT need this validation from other women - to boost his ego.

Where do you feel this comes from, what has happened in his past....To cause these insecurities ??

His first wife left him for another woman. I guess that would screw anyone up.

CynthiaBelmer

· #8 · Oct 14, 2012

Hi,

I completely understand your fear of abandonment and I sympathize with how you are feeling in this moment.It's so hard to feel alone and unwanted even when the partner is not truly showing this, but internalizing the fear brings up all sorts of other insecurities and feelings. Your husband has his own fears, fears of being unloved just like you have fears of abandonment. The good thing is that you are aware of his needs of feeling loved constantly. Just like you have your own fears, you need to sit with them, get intimate with them, he needs to do the same as well. You can try to show him more love and give him more attention at home, but this is also something he needs to work on by himself. He needs to love himself more and you can only provide a safe environment for him to feel this way with you and around you.

It doesn't matter what other people are saying, what matters is how you feel and what do you want, and what is important to you in this relationship.

Warmly,
Cynthia
Relationship Coach
Womens Life Coaching in Marietta

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Emerald

· #9 · Oct 14, 2012

DiZ said:
We all have them. Mine is insecurity and a fear of abandonment. My husband of 23 yrs. left me for another woman and come to find out he cheated on me on and off the whole time. I don't have to tell you what that does to someone. Now I am over the marriage, over him, it's been 15 yrs. since the divorce but I still have the scar.

I have been married to my second husband for 4 yrs. He is a flirt. Of course he doesn't think he is but I am sure the women he flirts with surely thinks he is flirting.

Married women, single women in the neighborhood, on and on. He calls them, goes over the blows their leaves. He makes sure I know that they hug him and tell him he is sweet to help.

I have had it. I spend most days crying about it. I then internalize it and wonder if I am the one with the problem.

Now he has a need to have everyone like him. Male and female. That is his insecurity.

He just does not get it that he is showing me disrespect. He does this all in front of me. He called the lady down the street and asked her if she had a nice vacation and teased her. Then she saw me later and said oh your husband called and I thought o that was nice of him. You could tell she kind of thought it was weird that he called. Now I have to face these women and they are probably thinking we are having problems and why is he calling me? Is he flirting? even tho he does it in front of me who knows what he is doing behind my back.

He was like this when you married him right?

You found him charming right?

Yes, he's over the top friendly-huggy-touchy feely-flirty & now you want to change him because these behaviors are not so charming to you anymore.

You married this man knowing how he is. You are both mature adults. I think you may need counseling for your issues rather than expecting him to change his personality.

Mavash.

· #10 · Oct 14, 2012

I find it interesting that you have a fear of abandonment and yet you managed to marry a flirt. You're insecure and he is too his just comes out in other ways.

And in some twisted way you getting upset over his behavior actually comforts him. It proves to him that you still care. See he's afraid you will abandon him too. Aren't relationships fun? Sigh.

Reactions: 1

2ntnuf

· #11 · Oct 14, 2012

Why don't you just talk with him about it, sets some boundaries and goals, then see where you need to go from there?

Maybe counseling if that doesn't work?

45188

· #12 · Oct 15, 2012

Honestly, if I caught my boyfriend flirting I would kick his ass and he knows it. Flirting is crossing a boundary. It lets them know you're available.
http://lifestyle.myjoyonline.com/pages/relationships/201103/63583.php

DiZ

Discussion Starter · #13 · Oct 16, 2012

Emerald said:
He was like this when you married him right?

You found him charming right?

Yes, he's over the top friendly-huggy-touchy feely-flirty & now you want to change him because these behaviors are not so charming to you anymore.

You married this man knowing how he is. You are both mature adults. I think you may need counseling for your issues rather than expecting him to change his personality.

Actually, NO he was not this way when we married. He slowly let the layers peel away after we married to show his true character. That is why I feel betrayed.

DiZ

Discussion Starter · #14 · Oct 16, 2012

Mavash. said:
I find it interesting that you have a fear of abandonment and yet you managed to marry a flirt. You're insecure and he is too his just comes out in other ways.

And in some twisted way you getting upset over his behavior actually comforts him. It proves to him that you still care. See he's afraid you will abandon him too. Aren't relationships fun? Sigh.

Again he was not a flirt when we met. Like I said to someone else he slowly started this after we married.

DiZ

Discussion Starter · #15 · Oct 16, 2012

2ntnuf said:
Why don't you just talk with him about it, sets some boundaries and goals, then see where you need to go from there?

Maybe counseling if that doesn't work?

We have talked about it over and over and he is aware of how I feel but he still does this. It gets to the point where I don't want to go anywhere with him. If we go out and eat he will be this way with the waitress. BUT I get comfort in knowing that he is very friendly with females and males so this is what I try and keep telling myself.

DiZ

Discussion Starter · #16 · Oct 16, 2012

CynthiaBelmer said:
Hi,

I completely understand your fear of abandonment and I sympathize with how you are feeling in this moment.It's so hard to feel alone and unwanted even when the partner is not truly showing this, but internalizing the fear brings up all sorts of other insecurities and feelings. Your husband has his own fears, fears of being unloved just like you have fears of abandonment. The good thing is that you are aware of his needs of feeling loved constantly. Just like you have your own fears, you need to sit with them, get intimate with them, he needs to do the same as well. You can try to show him more love and give him more attention at home, but this is also something he needs to work on by himself. He needs to love himself more and you can only provide a safe environment for him to feel this way with you and around you.

It doesn't matter what other people are saying, what matters is how you feel and what do you want, and what is important to you in this relationship.

Warmly,
Cynthia
Relationship Coach
Womens Life Coaching in Marietta

We met online. He was not this way when we first met. Then as we got more involved, and fell in love, he started this behavior which told me this is the way he really is and he was scared to show this to me at first knowing I would bolt which I probably would of. With me what you see is what you get. I know people have their best foot forward when they first meet but this is extreme, like two different people. I still can't figure out how he did it so well. So now we are in love and married and I feel like I married someone I don't know sometimes. It isn't all bad, I love him very much and he is very giving and loving to me but these flirting episodes really set me back and get me down. I am going through menopause and that does not help. Sometimes love just isn't enough.

DiZ

Discussion Starter · #17 · Oct 18, 2012

Thanks everyone for your input. It is really appreciated.

I have thought a lot about this and I have no problem with a neighbor asking for help, can you feed my cats, etc. while I am on vacation. No problem at all. All these neighbors are wonderful people. Very very sweet and nice.

What I have a problem with is all the little extras. Him texting her back, oh where are you going for vacation? Wish I was going? and the hugging and touchy feely stuff.

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