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Hi I have been with my Husband for 15 years married for 8 im 33 years old he is 42. he had to tell me last thursday that he had been having an affair as he had ended with his mistress and she had told him if you finish with me I will tell your wife- (she was at my door late that night when he then told me.)

he stated that they had been friends at first coffee here and there about 7 months ago then over the last 3 months they had become more than friends. this was not somebody he worked with it was a parent at our daughters school from a different year may I add.

He has told me how stupid he was how sorry etc, he also said he wants to be with me he was just whipped into a whirlwind and didnt realize what he was doing till it was too late!!!

He cheated on his previous relationship but left her for me 15 years ago after 2 years of infidelity with her with different women, and I can say the last 14 years I have had no concerns of his fidelity...but over the last 6 months i Knew something was wrong.

He wants to work at our marriage etc.....he is still at home we have 2 children and I feel that I owe it to them and my home to try and repair this.....BUT how do I ???

I can not stop thinking about what he has done.... the deceit of all things is hurting me the most....

I am very hurt right now and have been sleeping separate from him since he told me we have talked and I have stated im not sure how im feeling, and cant promise that we will be happy in the future.......I just dont know how im going to get through this????

Has anyone dealt with this...............???? Can any one offer me some support or advice?????.
 

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Hang in there. Has he written a no contact letter to the OW? If not have him do so immediately. Also he must be completely transparent with you... meaning allow you access to phone, FB, emails, ect.
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Oh, unfortunately there are quite a few of us who have dealt with this.

First things first. You are right to tell him that you're not sure how you're feeling. That is probably the best thing you could have done instead of just saying "Okay, we'll work on it". The deception is probably the hardest thing to get over. In the end, the lies are what kills a marriage after infidelity, IMO.

I wouldn't however, accept his lame excuse that he was whipped into a whirlwind. Obviously, this has been going on for some time and I'd say that's just minimizing his actions. He was looking for an ego feed. Period.

Were you one of the women he cheated with when he was with his wife?

As for the other woman, is she married or in a relationship? If so, you need to expose her to her husband/bf. That is going to be one of the other ways to ensure that the affair is over. Also, sounds like a bunny boiler with the threat to tell you if he broke it off.

Anyway, sorry you're here. I would definitely suggest individual counseling for both of you.
 

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Yes i was the other woman but I didn't know at first he told me he was single and living with his nan.... It wasn't until his sister told me that I knew and then he had already left her i was young and nieve at the time ! as far as I'm aware she doesn't have a bf or husband just thought she could have mine she new he was married as our daughters play with each other I didn't know her until that night and only met her in passing ....he was still lying to me until the other night about the details as he thought I was a fool and would believe that he hadn't slept with her.... I feel better now he has told some truth but I still can't believe that he's told me everything.....

Do people actually have a stronger marriage after something like this ?????
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Stronger Marriage? Some say yes, some never recover.

Someone once said on a Thread " If you marry a man who has cheated on his wife, you are married to a man who will cheat on his wife." You did know that going into the marriage and unless your husband had an ephiany his moral character as still when the opportunity presented itself and the conditions were right, he was going to cheat.

The questions are:

1. Is your husband actually showing TRUE Remorse over what he has done.

2. Is he willing to do the HEAVY lifting to improve the new marriage or is he wanting you just to Forgive an Forget.

Unless you get the appropriate answers to 1 and 2, you are kidding yourself and need to move forward to a life W/O the cheating S__M Bag of a Husband.

Sorry
 

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He did and does show remorse he has said himself that he is a scumbag .... And he is willing to do the heavy work as you put it but I think he knows I will never forgive and he would like to carry on with normal life as soon as possible .... I'm struggling to find awAy to try and forget it for us to move on will this become easier ???? Will I ever forgive ???? Will I ever trust him again ???

And yes I know once a cheat always a cheat but we had a different relation ship she was a bit psycho he was very unhappy and trapped with children straight away .... But like I said to him a leopard never changes his spots but he said he hadn't done it before and this shows there was something wrong in our marriage the only thing I see that was wrong was we had become too comfortable with each other we hardly argued and got in we'll most if the time maybe we were just friends ???
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Heart, so sorry you are here, but I think you will get valuable support from posters who have experienced similar things.

Get the bot of you tested for STDs.

I take it that OW is single, otherwise you must expose to her spouse as well.

Make sure that there is 100% transparency between the two of you. Every single account, password, schedule etc. must be out in the open.
This will help you determine if there is more secrets to discover - could there be more than this one affair? Why did he break it up with her? It will also help keeping your husband accountable to you.

Does he seem to sorry he got caught or sorry for hurting you? Unfortunately he seems to be a serial cheater, which is the worst to deal with. Highly likely to repeat the offense unless he changes dramatically, searches his mind to learn the exact why, examine his core beliefs and work on himself for the better.

In the meantime, You must work on yourself as well. Seek counselling if possible. You need to believe in your mind and gut, that this has absolutely nothing to do with you! It's all on him.

Your husband must do whatever it takes for you to heal from this if you are to succeed, and you need to communicate a lot.

Do marriages get stronger? Hmm... I don't know about that. They definitely transforms into something different. There will no longer be unconditional trust (good or bad?), you will probably always have doubts, small or large, about his love for you. On the positive side, you will probably have your blinders removed and see things more clear - just the way they are, without fooling yourself.

Take your time to decide in your mind whether you are going to stay with him or you should kick him out. But if you feel like it, it could be a good idea to make him move, so he realizes that there are consequences when he messes with you.

Hang in there, post when you feel the need for support.
 

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"Something wrong with your marriage" Gosh, lets rugsweep and find something else to blame.

1. He chose the easy route, find another woman who he could have sex with and take her out and show her the affection he should have been showing his wife. Maybe if he did this there would not have been "Something wrong with his marriage" He is showing true signs of being a S_ _ M Bag and not taking responsibiity.

Reconciliation will not work until he understands that there was not "Something wrong witht his Marriage" but there is indeed something wrong with Him.

Is your husband always Blame shifting and do you let him? Unless this changes you are up from some extreme Hurt emotionally in the future.
 

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And yes I know once a cheat always a cheat but we had a different relation ship she was a bit psycho he was very unhappy and trapped with children straight away ....
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How do you know this?? Did his ex wife tell you that??? If it came from him, then you should be well aware he said some pretty horrible things about you to the OW this time around.
 

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"And he is willing to do the heavy work as you put it but I think he knows I will never forgive and he would like to carry on with normal life as soon as possible"

He would love for life to carry on as normal.... This is rugs-weeping 101. Infidelity profoundly changes everything. Your marriage will never be the same after infidelity. That is the cost of cheating. The marriage you thought you had is over. You need to mourn the loss of that marriage. The foundation for your marriage has been destroyed by his lies, betrayals and deceit.
You can choose to rebuild and repair that foundation, but it will never be the same, and it shouldn't be. Some here say they have a stronger marriage after infidelity.

Will I ever trust him again ??

No. You will never trust him 100%. You will never have blind trust. The wounds of infidelity are so painful and deep that your mind never wants to experience that level of pain ever again. It's to protect you. Your brain knows your husband is the source of pain so it's trying to protect you. It's like if you got burned on a hot stove. You will be remembering the pain of the burn every time you are near the stove. The scar never goes away, and when you look at the scar you remember being burned.

I'm struggling to find awAy to try and forget it for us to move on will this become easier ????

Why should you be struggling to forget this?.You are rug-sweeping if you really think this. He is the one who needs to help you heal. You are not far enough out from the affair for things to get easier. It takes years.

Will I ever forgive ????

It's too soon to know. Ultimately, it's his actions that will tell you if you can forgive him, not what he is saying. I suggest you both have marriage and individual counseling with someone who specializes in infidelity. Your husband needs to address the deep-rooted issues of his infidelity. If he doesn't, history proves he will cheat again. He is a serial cheater. He's been unfaithful numerous times in multiple relationships. Has he ever had a relationship where he has faithful?

Good luck and keep us posted. By sharing your story, you are helping others...
 

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Hang in there. Has he written a no contact letter to the OW? If not have him do so immediately. Also he must be completely transparent with you... meaning allow you access to phone, FB, emails, ect.
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:iagree:

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Don't let him convince you that something was wrong that caused him to cheat. He's what was wrong!

F! I'm so sick of seeing stories like this where awesome, loyal wives are betrayed by stupid men that don't deserve them.
 

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The sad fact is that you knew the type of man you were marrying. A BIG FAT CHEATER!!! This is not his first affair, nor will it be his last. Can you live with that?

I truly understand why you want this to workout. Kids can be a strong motivator. Hell, they were the only reason my husband got a second chance. Add to that, he only cheated once. A second time and it is over.

Now comes the hard part for you. You will NEVER forget that he did this to you. It will always be a part of your relationship. DO NOT force yourself to make a decision this early. ALLOW yourself to feel each and every emotion you go through. At the end of it all you and you alone can decide what you want. Wether it be 10 days or 10 yrs you reserve the right to say I am done and deserve more.
 

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And do not let him blame you. Not every marriage is roses and yes we all have a portion of blame on why the marriage might be in a bad spot, but his choice to cheat is purely his burden to carry!!!!
 

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And yes I know once a cheat always a cheat but we had a different relation ship she was a bit psycho he was very unhappy and trapped with children straight away

Are you speaking of his previous wife?
 

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I agree that this guy is a cheater. He was before and he is now. The OP knows what he was capable of because he was cheating with her.

But I think if the OP wants to stay married, she can focus on the 14 years prior where she believes he was faithful. Sounds like he is showing remorse and willing to work on the marriage. He isn't rug sweeping or blaming her for what he did. Seems like they have the formula in place to be able to get over this.

We let 'bad guys' out of jail a lot sooner than 14 years because of 'good behavior'.
 
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