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Discussion Starter #1
Hi everyone.

I've been married 8 months, with my husband for 3 1/2 years, I'm 33, he's 36. I love my husband. He's an amazing man. Here's the problem...I don't like the way his face looks anymore. To be blunt, his face has gotten fat. He always had a small chin and the extra pounds have made his jawline disappear. He's bald, and that wasn't a problem for me, but he looks much older to me with the chubby face.

My husband isn't even overweight. He was skinny as a rail when we met and now he's maybe 5-10 pounds heavier. I know I can't expect him to have the body of a 20-year-old his whole life. He's not very in shape, but he's not a couch potato either. He snowboards, wakeboards, and surfs. His diet isn't amazing, but it's not bad. We eat a lot of vegetables and whole grains and he barely drinks. He just has the genetic disposition to carry those few extra pounds in his face I guess. He knows I would like him to be more in shape and to eat healthier, but I can't force him to do those things and he doesn't seem very motivated.

We still have "chemistry," I still like his smell and his touch and I like kissing him. We're having sex pretty regularly, at least once a week and we both enjoy it. But he only looks cute to me about 50% of the time.

We don't have kids yet or even own anything together. Am I setting myself up for long years of unhappiness if I don't like my husband's face? But, I don't want to get divorced. First of all I'm a Christian (make fun of me, I can take it). I believe that this marriage isn't just about me and my feelings. I believe God hates divorce. That said, I would consider it if marriage was making me or my husband so unhappy that we weren't able to treat each other with love.

I've realized that whether or not I find my husband cute has a lot to do with how connected we are to each other and my state of mind. So I'm consciously trying all the time to focus on the things I love about him, the things I do find attractive about him, and it does help. But it feels like hard work. I can't imagine how much harder it would be if we had small kids and were exhausted all the time.

My husband's face had started changing the year we were engaged, and I had some doubts before the wedding, but I told myself I was psyching myself out and that my doubts were due to fear. And I told myself I would be a shallow ***** to leave a great relationship because of a few extra pounds. I still believe those things, but it's hard, trying to make myself feel attracted on the days when I don't feel attracted. I was really happy on our wedding day and he looked adorable to me. This relationship has always "felt right." It just also feels really hard and it seems like it would be easier with someone I was more attracted to.

Any words of wisdom are welcome. Has anyone been through something like this? How can I come to terms with the fact that I don't think the face I see every morning is cute anymore?
 

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Really? What happens if you have kids and you put on a few
pounds? What happens if you both grow older and his face gets
wrinkles? If you are just now married 8 months and are upset about his
face changing. You have a long road ahead of you. Maybe he married
you for who you are . All of you not just your face. You should decide
if you can deal with all of the future changes (AGING, GROWING OLDER)
now!! If you can not let him go.
 

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Wait a minute, I think I saw your husband's post about saggy boobs!

Now that I've launched that shot across your bow, you have a "amazing man", yet your questioning whether you can stay with him?

EVERYONE will change as they age, you said he hasn't even gained that much weight. What exactly do you want him to do?

AND it goes both ways, what are YOU going to do to keep your boobs from sagging, cellulite butt bumbles from forming??

You either love the person for what they are inside, or you won't be in a relationship for the long term.

ps - saggy boobs and a bumpy butt still look darn good in the shower!
 

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I urge you to read around this site and see the real problems that people have. See how some women are abused by their husband. It isn't necessarily so that the grass would be greener with a guy you find cute. I understand looks are the basis for attraction but since that played a large part in catching you, you may want to thank your lucky stars to have an "amazing" man with whom you have established chemistry.
 

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OK, sarcasm and humor to one side, I hope you see what some posters are saying. We all change physically in some ways over time.

Your man's face is the first thing you see when you wake beside him and the last thing you see before you go to bed. If seeing it doesn't fill you with feelings of love and adoration for the man and the person he is, then whether or not God hates divorce, you will hate yourself more (and eventually you'll come to hate your H, too).

So for the love of God, if your religion is truly important to you, if you can't put aside your cosmetic preferences in favor of the person under the skin, then you need to let him go so he can find a woman who adores him all over.
 

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Seriously, did you really marry him thinking that his face (and the rest of him, presumably) would look just the same in 25 years? 50 years?

Did you think that YOU would look just as good as you did at marriage in 25 or 50 years?

You have a long life and a lot of harsh reality ahead of you if that's what you think. No matter who you are with.

If you don't want him, send him to someone who does. In fact, send him to me! Plenty of women out there who would want someone like him.
 

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My husband's face had started changing the year we were engaged, and I had some doubts before the wedding, but I told myself I was psyching myself out and that my doubts were due to fear. And I told myself I would be a shallow ***** to leave a great relationship because of a few extra pounds.

Any words of wisdom are welcome. Has anyone been through something like this? How can I come to terms with the fact that I don't think the face I see every morning is cute anymore?
oh my god if i had a dime for every woman who didn't know about male facial molting i'd be a millionaire.

you really should have paid more attention in school, hun.

don't worry, once he gets to the phase where his face closes up into a hard, chitinous exterior- it won't be long before his new beautiful face will emerge.
 

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Try a pale foundation and a darker beige to bring out his cheek bones and chin. :grin2:

People change physically. May want to get accustom.
 

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OP, as you know people will change over time. I have wrinkles, grey hair, rough skin, slightly crooked nose etc. My wife has some loose skin, a disfigured breast from cancer, etc. Old age isn't pretty- and it keeps getting worse. Honestly the only time I notice the changes in her are when I happen to run across an old picture. Normally I just see the woman I love.

There is nothing at all wrong about caring about your partners appearance but if it does matter to you, they you need to avoid lifelong relationships. Not everyone will age the way your husband is, but they will age, and eventually they will be old and wrinkly.
 

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Discussion Starter #17 (Edited)
frusdil said:
"Oh honey. If you would seriously consider divorce over this, at just 8 MONTHS into marriage, you're neither Christian nor marriage material."

Being Christian doesn't mean that I'm a perfect person. It means that I accept that I'm extremely imperfect and broken and that I do my best to work on myself and let God work on me to make me better. As I'm trying to do, that's one reason I wrote this post.

Also I'm not seriously considering divorce, just wanted some encouragement and wisdom. Thanks to the folks who wrote me a serious answer and thanks, I guess, to everyone who wrote some variation on "Yeah, but how saggy and fat are YOU?"
 

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OP. Sigh. I'm sorry you've been hit but the same posters who would empathize with a husband who didn't find his wife attractive due to extra weight.

However, how do you define love? Attractiveness? My hubby is obese and I'm sure there are plenty that wouldn't find him attractive. Fortunately for him and me marriage means only one person has to find him attractive and same goes for me. I've been married 24 years and we've both changed as people pointed out it happens. But I find him more attractive today than the day we got married.

It shouldn't be a chore to remind yourself how lucky you are or as a Christian to count your blessings. I'm married to a man who loves me (blessing 1). He is a generous lover (2). He is kind (3). He puts our family first truly forsaking all others (4). He is a good father (5). He makes me hot tea in the evening and performs tons of acts of service my love language (6-1000).
I'd keep going but you get the point. I find these things incredible sexy and when the lights a dim all that matters are about 4 spots 😉

That being said I'm sure lots of guys could find those 4 spots but none of them are the complete package my hubby is. So are you really worried about his face or are you dissatisfied with other aspects. Most women are not triggered by visual as much as emotional. Are your emotional needs being met? Have you thought about what those are for you? For him?

Marriage isn't hard work but only an idiot doesn't work at it to ensure a good bond in good times that will be tested during bad times.
 

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Discussion Starter #20 (Edited)
OP. Sigh. I'm sorry you've been hit but the same posters who would empathize with a husband who didn't find his wife attractive due to extra weight.

However, how do you define love? Attractiveness? My hubby is obese and I'm sure there are plenty that wouldn't find him attractive. Fortunately for him and me marriage means only one person has to find him attractive and same goes for me. I've been married 24 years and we've both changed as people pointed out it happens. But I find him more attractive today than the day we got married.

It shouldn't be a chore to remind yourself how lucky you are or as a Christian to count your blessings. I'm married to a man who loves me (blessing 1). He is a generous lover (2). He is kind (3). He puts our family first truly forsaking all others (4). He is a good father (5). He makes me hot tea in the evening and performs tons of acts of service my love language (6-1000).
I'd keep going but you get the point. I find these things incredible sexy and when the lights a dim all that matters are about 4 spots ��

That being said I'm sure lots of guys could find those 4 spots but none of them are the complete package my hubby is. So are you really worried about his face or are you dissatisfied with other aspects. Most women are not triggered by visual as much as emotional. Are your emotional needs being met? Have you thought about what those are for you? For him?

Marriage isn't hard work but only an idiot doesn't work at it to ensure a good bond in good times that will be tested during bad times.
Thanks Anastasia, really appreciate reading your words. Good to hear from someone else whose husband is not "conventionally handsome" but who really loves him all the same. There's a lot of messages in our culture that if somebody LOOKS good they ARE good, and the right Prince Charming will always be handsome. And I realized there's an egotistical part of me that thinks "I could have done better" or something like that. But that's not the best part of me and I'm trying to be my better self.

My husband and I do have some problems we are working out and some that maybe we won't ever really resolve, and maybe I obsess over his face because the other stuff seems too big and complex. But for the most part, he's a really really great guy.
 
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