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Hi ladies. I just joined this page today because I am desperately seeking perspective on my marriage. My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 8, with four beautiful children. He is a great guy. We have had our share of ups and downs, like every married couple, but all in all we have a very stable and happy marriage.

The past few months, I have noticed that he has been very distant. Less affectionate, less talkative, I really felt as though he was no longer attracted to me or didn't love me anymore. I asked him about it and he told me that he has been dealing with depression for the past few months (around the time his dad passed away very unexpectedly.) He was angry with me for not picking it up, and accusing him of not being in love with me anymore. He said I am selfish for not realizing that I am not the only one in our marriage who can have problems.

I realized that he is right - he has been "off" for a while, but maybe I was in denial because he is always the rock. He said his problem isn't me - it's him, and he needs to deal with it. I have given him space - texting him less, not nagging, etc. - but I still feel like he is so distant.

I called a therapist to get him some help and he is saying it's too expensive, etc. But I don't care what the cost is if it gets him healthy again! We can find a way to make it work.

Has anyone dealt with this - your husband's depression/anxiety/withdrawal from you? It's been really difficult. I am here for him and committed 100%, whatever he needs and he knows that. But it's pulling me into depression, too, not having the love and affection of the one person who has always been there for me.:frown2:
 

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How close was he with his father, was there anything unresolved between them?? Was the death traumatic in any way? .. if this is when it started.. he is probably being honest with you.. and it will just take time.. there are steps in the grieving process ...... just for a little more understanding... sometimes one can get stuck and need some help moving forward.. but hopefully it will just take time....

 

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OP, I feel for you, and for your husband too.

My dad passed away in 2012, and the way I grieve (I'm still grieving for him...) is the complete opposite of your husband. I became very clingy to my hubby, for the first few weeks he couldn't leave the room without me following behind, lol. When I look back now...he was incredibly patient, said it didn't bother him but it must have annoyed him, at least a little...I was literally there all. the. time. He'd turn around and there I was. Again. Bless him, he was very patient and never said a thing about it, even when I apologised for being so clingy he assured me it was ok. Thankfully I got over that in short order, lol.

If the situation were reversed though, I think my husband would pull away a bit too. He doesn't tend to express a lot of emotion...not because he doesn't feel it, but I think because he's probably conditioned like a lot of men that "men don't cry" and all that bs. That could be what your husband is going through too.

Everyone grieves very differently. I am concerned though that it's been a few months and he's still this way, I wonder if a doctors visit may be in order?
 

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Your husband needs to see his primary care doctor and get screened for depressed. One doctor visit. Anti depressants, if generic meds, are very inexpensive and very effective.

What is his age? If he is nearing 40 it could be a mid life crisis time for him.

See the family doctor.
 

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Insist you H attend therapy!

Adult depressed men are more likely to commit suicide because they are least likely to get help.

Call your insurance company to find out what their mental health benefits are. Some employers also offer EAP, Employee Assistance Program that offers a set amount of therapy sessions for free.

Being withdrawn after a loss is normal. Everyone goes through the grieving process differently and different lengths of time. If your father in law was under hospice care when he died, your husband might have free grief counseling through the hospice program.

I've lost several family members and the thing that sometimes helps is when I have the opportunity to relive those last moments. I know it sounds morbid but in truth it's in keeping with trauma recovery. To keep going over that traumatic time, over and over OUTLOUD will slowly lessen the pain and allow more moments of good times to come back. If you can get your husband to talk with you, to go over again those first few moments after his father's death it will allow your husband to grieve outloud. It's the outloud part that seems to help the most.

His father died suddenly and unexpectedly which means that your husband's last few moments are the moments when he learned of his father's death. That's the traumatic moment. Where were you when Kennedy was shot? There is a reason why that question is part of the American culture. Where was he when he learned his father died? Who else was there? What went through his mind? How did he react outwardly? When was the last time he saw or spoke to his father? How does he view those moments in hindsight? Does he have regrets like "I should have told him I loved him" or "I wish he had told me I was a good son and a good man." Those things that are always left unsaid, bounce around the brain until we can get them out by speaking them outloud and being reassured by someone close to us.

So, two things you can do. Force him to attend therapy and ask him about those last moments in order to encourage him to relive the trauma so that it can be lessened as a trauma and given perspective.
 
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