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I have been married for 14 years and my husband and I get along pretty well, but when something go's wrong or is not right in his world I am the sounding board, it is scary. Last night he was working on a car for my step daughter and things were not going his way. I could hear the swearing and banging of items in my living room from our garage. I asked him what was wrong and he yelled so loud about the problem, I asked him to lower his voice and walk away. He would not. I said"maybe the person who owns the car should be here" (his daughter) he said " Can't you Shut the F*** up!" In shock I said we had a great day now this." I did what i have been doing walk away. We did not speak all night. I just went to bed. Today he did not even realize what he said! No I am sorry or anything. I need a apology for this. This has happened before. I have told him not to speak to me like that anymore it is scary and I am his wife. He then finally apologies for it. I do not want to talk to him at all give in, be his sounding board anymore. I am so hurt any words of advice? Thank you
 

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It sounds like your husband conveniently forgets the hateful things he says after he has lost his temper in order to avoid being held accountable. After all, how well would confronting him over something he claims to have no memory of go?

I would start leaving the room or home when he goes on these tirades and texting him exactly he just said that was abusive. Then, when he is no longer fuming ask him if he is ready to talk.

You deserve better than to be verbally assaulted by your husband. I would ask him about getting into anger management classes. If the cost for that right now is too high, check out some anger management books on Amazon that have high reviews. It looks like some are written specifically for men which might help him to relate better.

Do you have small children in the house or any minor children at all? If so, this needs to be addressed asap as they deserve to NOT be exposed to his volatile temper.
 

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Have you read "What to do when he won't change"? It has some great instructions for handling somebody who is angry. Also, it seems like you need to gauge what he is angry about and direct your questions accordingly... or not at all. In this situation, he seemed upset because the he wanted to get the car working. Instead of 'what wrong?' it might go better if you ask 'how can I help you get this done?' I know it seems pandering, but he might gain some awareness if you probe in a different way.

Also, approaching him when you already know he is upset seems like a bad idea. If he wants your support, maybe let him come get it... and then you have more of an impact if you do have to walk away (i.e. not giving him what he wants unless he is speaking without abusive language).
 

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After twenty years of something like this (he never said STFU to me' but used many other nasty expressions) I am getting fed up. If you still have it in you, take the advise from OP, maybe it's not too late for your marriage. But you must set the boundaries. I have failed in doing this, and now it seems I do not have any feelings left in me ( towards him)
 

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Srb82 I agree approaching an angry man is like prodding a bear with a stick. After growing up watching my mother rush toward any momentary explosion from my step father I vowed Id never do it. He was generally a good tempered man but working on cars or carpentry seemed to set him off lol. If this is the norm and you walk on eggshells its different, but if not then let him be infuriated at his own mechanical incompetence in in peace...
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Sometimes guys just need to vent. It may not be pretty and it may not be nice, but best just to leave them alone and let them get it out.

If it starts to cross the line to abuse then you need to nip the bud there and make sure he understands he's crossed the line.

I find myself cursing from time to time when I can't get something done right...but usually it's at my own stupidity or ineptness...
 

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I have been married for 14 years and my husband and I get along pretty well, but when something go's wrong or is not right in his world I am the sounding board, it is scary. Last night he was working on a car for my step daughter and things were not going his way. I could hear the swearing and banging of items in my living room from our garage. I asked him what was wrong and he yelled so loud about the problem, I asked him to lower his voice and walk away. He would not. I said"maybe the person who owns the car should be here" (his daughter) he said " Can't you Shut the F*** up!" In shock I said we had a great day now this." I did what i have been doing walk away. We did not speak all night. I just went to bed. Today he did not even realize what he said! No I am sorry or anything. I need a apology for this. This has happened before. I have told him not to speak to me like that anymore it is scary and I am his wife. He then finally apologies for it. I do not want to talk to him at all give in, be his sounding board anymore. I am so hurt any words of advice? Thank you

I'm curicous what was the point of this statement? Does she know more about cars than him? Was this truly an outburst or did you make a cutting statement about something he was sensative about when he was already agitated? His outburst seems over the top but this statement seems out of no where as well
 

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I know people who have been married over 40 years and the husband was always like this and has never changed.

One thing you should not be doing is even acknowledging his temper. Don't go talk to him when he's yelling at a car, what are you trying to achieve? The anger will simply be redirected at you. Are you trying to save the car?

Stop drawing his anger towards you. It will never get better, but you need to get better at not being the magnet for it. If his anger is so distressing to be around, go out of the house. Leave. Go for a walk or a drive to the shops. All you achieve by standing there letting him vent all over you is to keep it going. Any response you make will just make him spew more garbage at you. Treat him like you would a child having a tantrum. Ignore him, completely. When he's calm and asks why you wouldn't speak to him, tell him you'll talk to him when he's acting like an adult, but when he's having his tantrums, you have no interest in him whatsoever.
 
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