[snmf87]

Im really struggling with my emotions and just life in general. My husband and i have been married for almost 4 yrs and we have a beautiful daughter and one on the way and he has told me that he is no longer in love with me and that he has soo much animosity towards me and he definitely wants to move out because he cant stand living with me. I am to blame for most of the problems in our relationship, when we got married i was 21 and he was 29 so i was def. on the young side. I was very immature when it came to our relationship and marriage in general, he loved me unconditionally and i took him for granted quite a bit and was always trying to see how far i could push him bc i thought he would never leave me..like i said i was very naive and immature. As time went on he started telling me what i was doing and how i had been treating him was wrong and he shouldnt be treated that way, and again i didnt listen. He began to pull away from me physically and emotionally, we lived like this for yrs we had very good moments together but some really terrible times also. Recently I thought that mb we should separate, mb thats why i was soo unhappy. I went out on one mediocre date where all i talked about was my husband and my daughter which made me realize that all i have ever was going to want for the rest of my life was my husband that i already had, that he was the man that i absolutely positively love and adore and that im soo crazy attracted to. I also realized that what i had done in the past was the worst thing someone could ever do to their spouse, and i was ready to give my self to him 110%, so i went to him and told him that i really want to work it out, but he then told me that it was too late and that he didnt love me anymore, I then found out i was pregnant. He thinks that i only want to be with him bc of the baby which is not true, i really truely want to love him and raise our family together. I really dont want him to leave and have asked him to go to counseling with me but he refuses saying that counseling is for people who want to work at their relationship and he is past that. I dont know what to do I really dont want my husband to leave, i love him soo much and ive told him how sorry i was for everything that i have put him through and i just want a chance to show him that. Do I just let him go, or should i keep fighting??

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

Wow, I'm sorry to hear about this. I would advise a couple of things.

First, STOP TAKING THE BLAME for EVERYTHING. Yes, you acted very immaturely, because you WERE YOUNG and immature. HE needs to take some responsibility for marrying a 21yo then complaining that you were immature. HE KNEW or SHOULD HAVE KNOWN what he was getting into.

Secondly, you cannot MAKE HIM WANT YOU, or your family life. ALL you can do is take care of yourself and your children. GO TO COUNSELING (individual) even if he won't go to couples counseling with you. All the help you can get can only benefit you and benefit your children. You owe ALL OF YOU the best YOU that you can be.

Thirdly, if he is determined to leave, YOU can't stop him. Begging, pleading, crying, groveling, will make him TOTALLY LOSE RESPECT FOR YOU. If he hasn't got any LOVE left for you, he can at least have RESPECT for you. You two will be involved with each other for decades because of your children. Agree to be mature about the split for the sake of your children.

You two can only work it out if HE wants to (since you already know YOU want to.) Do NOT force the issue as THAT is unattractive to everyone.

Good luck!

 

[Jemm]

I'm sorry you are going through this while pregnant. Stay healthy for you and your baby. I am going through something similar, I read about Michelle Weiner Davis on this site, I immediately started the "180", not only did I notice small changes in my husbands opinion of our marriage but more importantly it helps you focus on yourself and being a better person for you. After I started it I noticed I was calmer than I had been for a long time. fight for your marriage if its what you want, just make sure its in a healthy way for you and your child. Wish u the best.
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[Bobby5000]

Can't completely agree with Slowly. You treated him poorly and after being treated like this for an extended period he lost interest. You apparently became pregnant thereafter and he thinks you may want to work things out now because you are pregnant, reinforce the relationship, and presumably return to treating him like crap later.

In such a circumstances, it may not be a bad idea to be a little persistent in explaining how you have genuinely changes, will be different, and how progress has been made.