I'm just so sad and angry that he won't give us a chance to work at it, because he feels that "we'd just smooth it over and be in the same place in 5 months"... feels like he's giving up so easily. This pain is seriously the worst I've ever felt. How does anyone survive this?
I’m sorry. Unfortunately, not everyone chooses to try to repair a marriage. Apparently, he feels he’s done. Could he change his mind? Of course, but it’s best not to count on that. Focus on you and how to create a life without him. It takes time — sometimes a great deal of time — but it’s possible to rebuild and be happy. I know that doesn’t seem realistic now but you can get there. I kept a journal and made lists of things I had to do and things I wanted to do and things I hoped to do. I still have that journal years later. I keep it as a reminder of how far I’ve come. Start by telling yourself you’ll get through this because you will.
I'm sorry this is the outcome for you. It's true that some people and that includes myself don't really like to work on things if things aren't quite right which they rarely are. If he feels confident he can be on his own, then I guess that's more his comfort zone then a constant partnership negotiation, go with his lifestyle of being so busy with work I don't know how he sees he can do it but hopefully he's making enough money to hire a bunch of nannies. I'm truly sorry for your loss and the kids loss.
Yes, it’s incredibly hurtful. How does one make it through constant pain? I think getting something going that occupies all your time, that also greatly improves your life is good medicine. I personally think your husband has another woman, but it doesn’t matter. He’s out and you are FREE of him to find a man that WANTS you above all others. He’s out there. Hang in there and learn to be happy and he will find you.
You May feel overwhelmed and helpless. You aren’t. You are you. And YOU can overcome this.
I appreciate everyone's kind words more than you could know. I'm going to prepare myself for the worst and pray that he sees that I have always loved and cherished our marriage. I don't know what will happen or who I am anymore but I guess I'll find out in the coming weeks... Please keep me and our kids in your thoughts - I seriously need all the positivity I can get right now.
In your shoes, I'd be taking my power back now and filing for divorce. If my husband told me he wanted space, I'd give him all the damn space he wants, and he'd never hear my voice or lay his eyes on me again.
Unless there's something you've not told us, this sounds very odd, like he was looking for an out and he took it.
I genuinely feel like a fish out of water. It's very strange to me too. I asked a close friend if they truly believed he could be cheating and they agreed that no there's no way with the work schedule (she is involved in work). I truly trust him and don't think he would ever do that to me (but I guess this was a surprise too!).
I just keep searching for an answer as to why he was loving, attentive, affectionate, kind, amazing... Then suddenly completely withdrew all of a sudden and wants to explode our family and not sure what he wants. I even asked why he wouldn't tell me this before so we could work on it - and he just said he didn't think he could. I am SUPER open so I'm surprised he would say that...
The whole ordeal is just painful and messy. I'm tired of not eating or sleeping.
I had an ex tell me I wasn't supportive enough. It means different things to different people. I thought I was being super supportive in action, but what he wanted was a lot more pep talks and appreciation. I have tried to get better over time at positive affirmations for others but that is so I can grow as a person. In the end we weren't compatible.
Maybe it's cultural. To an English person a grade on a paper of "satisfactory" is quite good, and about average. To an American that reads as "really s%*$" and "just adequate." Giving praise to Americans, I have to remember to be WAY more effusive than I would naturally be.
Maybe it's cultural. To an English person a grade on a paper of "satisfactory" is quite good, and about average. To an American that reads as "really s%*$" and "just adequate." Giving praise to Americans, I have to remember to be WAY more effusive than I would naturally be.
I genuinely feel like a fish out of water. It's very strange to me too. I asked a close friend if they truly believed he could be cheating and they agreed that no there's no way with the work schedule (she is involved in work). I truly trust him and don't think he would ever do that to me (but I guess this was a surprise too!).
I just keep searching for an answer as to why he was loving, attentive, affectionate, kind, amazing... Then suddenly completely withdrew all of a sudden and wants to explode our family and not sure what he wants. I even asked why he wouldn't tell me this before so we could work on it - and he just said he didn't think he could. I am SUPER open so I'm surprised he would say that...
The whole ordeal is just painful and messy. I'm tired of not eating or sleeping.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Spend time around loved ones if possible. Do you have a friend or relative who can come spend time with you for a while?
I feel looking back on texts, messages, cards, I was very appreciative. I wrote notes and called and did everything in my power to love him. I uprooted my whole life and moved hours away to be close to his work for him which I felt was an ultimate show of support. He thinks I'm unsupportive in that I need quality time and my anxiety makes me frustrated when he calls to tell me he's not coming home from a big job. I am genuinely working on my anxious attachment but when we moved here I had no support system and he became everything. He feels smothered even when I feel like it's not. I'm trying to understand his side and be flexible to change.
I feel looking back on texts, messages, cards, I was very appreciative. I wrote notes and called and did everything in my power to love him. I uprooted my whole life and moved hours away to be close to his work for him which I felt was an ultimate show of support. He thinks I'm unsupportive in that I need quality time and my anxiety makes me frustrated when he calls to tell me he's not coming home from a big job. I am genuinely working on my anxious attachment but when we moved here I had no support system and he became everything. He feels smothered even when I feel like it's not. I'm trying to understand his side and be flexible to change.
I understand. I moved countries to be with my wife.
It seems to me you have quite different personalities. But you both have to work at it. It's a shame he doesn't see prepared to fight for his marriage.
I genuinely feel like a fish out of water. It's very strange to me too. I asked a close friend if they truly believed he could be cheating and they agreed that no there's no way with the work schedule (she is involved in work). I truly trust him and don't think he would ever do that to me (but I guess this was a surprise too!).
I just keep searching for an answer as to why he was loving, attentive, affectionate, kind, amazing... Then suddenly completely withdrew all of a sudden and wants to explode our family and not sure what he wants. I even asked why he wouldn't tell me this before so we could work on it - and he just said he didn't think he could. I am SUPER open so I'm surprised he would say that...
The whole ordeal is just painful and messy. I'm tired of not eating or sleeping.
1st quote. Not enough books to hold how many betrayed spouses said these exact words.
2nd quote. You feel this is “sudden”.
99% of the time, a sudden change like this is due to an affair. The suddenness is what makes me believe it’s an affair, and the fact that it’s the most common reason for divorce.
He went to the house without telling me while I was at work and scooped up stuff for the kids. Doesn't want me to see them this week... and he's making it pretty clear he's not interested in reconciling right now. So, balls in his court. I'm going to start getting my affairs in order and see if sometime in the next few weeks he has any sort of change in heart after I go silent for a while. This is really the worst possible feeling, I desperately wanted us to figure it out but you can't save a marriage alone I guess. Someone send me some positive thoughts that he will change his mind and give us a shot. Or that I will be ok on my own 😔
I am so sorry. It wasn't another woman... until it was. I will send you all kinds of positive thoughts, for your strength and ability to cope. I agree with the 180, go silent, don't contact him, don't beg, as badly as you want to.
I appreciate everyone's kind words more than you could know. I'm going to prepare myself for the worst and pray that he sees that I have always loved and cherished our marriage. I don't know what will happen or who I am anymore but I guess I'll find out in the coming weeks... Please keep me and our kids in your thoughts - I seriously need all the positivity I can get right now.
I don't think he cares that you love and cherish the marriage. At this point you need to have some self-respect and stop catering to him and giving yourself false hope. If you don't you could end up in a position of full compromise and zero fulfillment of any kind. He doesn't want to be with you so you should not want to be with him because first requirement to want to be with someone is whether or not they want you. I'm sorry to be brutal, but wishing and hoping and catering to him isn't going to improve your situation. Getting some self-respect and going on with your life is the only thing that's going to help your situation. I feel bad for both you and the kids but it is what it is.
A forum community dedicated to married life between you and your spouse. Come join the discussion about love, romance, health, behavior, conflict resolution, care, and more!