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My husband wants "space" to consider seperation

14K views 77 replies 27 participants last post by  Prodigal 
#1 ·
Long long story short - I met my husband at 20, and his two sons (then 8 & 4) he was 25 and a busy man! We dated two years, were engaged for 2 years and now we are going on 3 years of marriage.

We built an empire out of his business, and we moved 1.5 hours away to be closer to it. I left my family and friends behind twice for him (once before he owned a business and once after). We bought a house together about a year and a half ago. Everything was fine.

I clearly missed something because we got in a small fight where I was frustrated that he doesn't pay attention to me because he's always away on business (yes truly away, I've gone with him before, it's not another woman). He told me I don't support him enough and I'm not appreciative enough. He threatened to leave and being honest - I convinced him to stay. I told him I didn't want to throw away a beautiful family and all that we've built over a stupid argument. That we are stronger and we are meant to be with each other. I truly believe that us even meeting and being together was literally 1 in a billion chances.

Its been a few days now, and he's still sleeping in our bed, still cuddling but not interested in kissing/sex/affection really. I am actively working on myself. I have identified what I need to fix, and have been doing everything I can do appreciate him. I am doing all the things I haven't done in a while... I have written love notes, made breakfast, made extra time for us, left him surprises, sent him nice messages, dressed up for a date night... I've made a serious effort. I also haven't criticized him or even really offered any opinions because I know he's frustrated. He says he doesn't want to be "persuaded". I told him to take some time and that I wouldn't talk directly about our issues again until he was ready. He's away all next week, so that will be his thinking time I guess.

I'm trying very hard to prove to him I'm working on myself for him but I'm terrified he's going to leave and we will lose the very strong marriage we had previously. Up until a few months ago everything was literally fine. Even two weeks ago things were fine - he just said he had a lightbulb moment and wants to be alone. I don't know how to tell him that I want to fix the lightbulb not replace the house, without "persuading him"

Sincerely, we had the best marriage - goofy and fun, so much affection and love, everyone told me how much we were perfect for each other... Now I feel like I'm drowning. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't do anything without breaking down.

I just keep thinking that I'm never going to see my stepsons again, and we'll lose the house and I will have to start rebuilding my life from scratch - all without the person I love so deeply and truly. He's my person.

Any advice would be so appreciated.
 
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#4 ·
All you can do when someone wants space is give it to them.

I don't think you should totally write off that he maybe has an interest in another woman, though. It's not like it's uncommon, even with men who think they're happily married. Doesn't mean he's acted on it, but may be influencing him. He also could just be overwhelmed with responsibilities and be feeling the pressure. Don't keep overdoing trying hard to please and win him. He's too smart for that. Just be yourself. That was good enough at one time. If you ever do find out he's got wandering eyes, you'll hate yourself for putting forth all the effort. Again, you were good enough for him before. Be yourself. Don't be desperate. It doesn't look good on anyone.

Give him space and take some space yourself. What's good for the goose. Go spend some time with family and friends or take up a hobby. Don't do anything dumb, but take some time to yourself. Keep us updated, and good luck.
 
#5 ·
I sincerely hope you guys can work it out.
Be Sure, once y’all do start talking, make sure porn isn’t a factor in the equation. Some married men will “use porn”to “keep from cheating” when they’re away. Porn can get out of hand and become a better option to some men. They literally lose the ability to be sexually attracted to a real person.
I hope y’all make it ❤
 
#6 ·
Definitely give him space, and ease up on the little notes etc and don’t try too hard either because that may smother him. Be there for him, but do ease off.

Early in my marriage my husband made a mistake and went overboard to fix it. There wasn’t another Man and I wasn’t wanting to leave him, I was really just flooded and needed a little time to get over it, and get over myself too!

I also didn’t need my husband to go through hoops to show me he loved me. You made a mistake, it will get better. Keep listening to eachother and it’ll work out. We all need a chance to grow and be angry and so on.
 
#7 ·
Why do you want to save your marriage? Not trying to be a jerk, but it sounds like you were not happy up until the point he wanted space? Is this just a reaction to the possibility of change?

You will not lose your step-sons. You should have some rights.
 
#10 ·
I love my husband, and we fought like everyone does. I've had a lot of stress lately and been too hard on him. I know I haven't been the best version of me, yes I am truly convinced we were fine not all that long ago.

He does not have fully custody, he has joint so he's home when they are. They're home every other weekend and chunks of holidays. I do a lot of the work there but so does he, so I'm not concerned about that. We worked that out a long time ago.

Stepparents have no rights. As far as court is concerned, even if I petitioned for access the chance of me getting any would be slim to none. It will come down to if their parents feel like allowing me to see them. At least until my 15 year old is 18. It's heartbreaking because we are so close.

We had a slightly better day yesterday. Got some space, but still spent some family time together. I will ease off a little, and just keep praying he comes back to me.
 
#11 ·
I love my husband, and we fought like everyone does. I've had a lot of stress lately and been too hard on him. I know I haven't been the best version of me, yes I am truly convinced we were fine not all that long ago.

He does not have fully custody, he has joint so he's home when they are. They're home every other weekend and chunks of holidays. I do a lot of the work there but so does he, so I'm not concerned about that. We worked that out a long time ago.

Stepparents have no rights. As far as court is concerned, even if I petitioned for access the chance of me getting any would be slim to none. It will come down to if their parents feel like allowing me to see them. At least until my 15 year old is 18. It's heartbreaking because we are so close.

We had a slightly better day yesterday. Got some space, but still spent some family time together. I will ease off a little, and just keep praying he comes back to me.
Why did he get divorced? Does he tend to run away when things get tough?
 
#13 ·
As long as you are still talking about anything there is hope. Do nice things for him . . .fix a favorite meal etc. Don't press the relationship conversation unless he brings it up 1st. That is how you give him space but still be right there.

Are there concrete things you can do to help grow the business? Yesterday my husband helped me clean out my office & he put together 2 shelving units for the storage space to house old records I need to maintain. I feel lighter because there is less clutter & I feel supported because he helped

Part of what I read in your post is that he doesn't think you support the business endeavors enough. Where can you help take a load off? Can you input data into a customer manager system (google CRM systems)? Can you do filing? You say you built a business empire so this is a real passion of his. If you are not showing enough interest in this business he interprets it as you not caring about him.
 
#14 ·
It sounds like you guys need more quality time together to keep your connection strong. When that doesn't happen, little things can quickly become bigger things.

Make sure when you ask for attention that it doesn't sound like an accusation.

"I miss you. Let's do something fun this week, just the two of us."

NOT

"You're always gone and you never pay attention to me any more."

With the latter, he doesn't hear your need. He only hears that he is doing something wrong. This is all while busting his butt, which is why he doesn't feel appreciated.
 
#17 ·
Don’t dismiss the possibility of another woman. His reaction to your small fight seemed overblown and out of proportion. I’d be curious about what he’s doing during this week he’ll be gone.

In the meantime, stop sucking up to him and kissing his ass.


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#19 ·
Update: three weeks (almost) post the first conversation we had about seperating and he's been away ten days for work. Finally came home, we talked yesterday. I've been in therapy, I've mended bridges with folks I've hurt, I've genuinely been working on myself. He says he still hasn't changed his mind. He still wants to be alone. He packed a suitcase and went to his mom's. He says we can talk again in a few weeks but I think this is the end of it. I'm just so sad and angry that he won't give us a chance to work at it, because he feels that "we'd just smooth it over and be in the same place in 5 months"... feels like he's giving up so easily. This pain is seriously the worst I've ever felt. How does anyone survive this?
 
#22 ·
I’m sorry. Unfortunately, not everyone chooses to try to repair a marriage. Apparently, he feels he’s done. Could he change his mind? Of course, but it’s best not to count on that. Focus on you and how to create a life without him. It takes time — sometimes a great deal of time — but it’s possible to rebuild and be happy. I know that doesn’t seem realistic now but you can get there. I kept a journal and made lists of things I had to do and things I wanted to do and things I hoped to do. I still have that journal years later. I keep it as a reminder of how far I’ve come. Start by telling yourself you’ll get through this because you will.
 
#23 ·
I'm sorry this is the outcome for you. It's true that some people and that includes myself don't really like to work on things if things aren't quite right which they rarely are. If he feels confident he can be on his own, then I guess that's more his comfort zone then a constant partnership negotiation, go with his lifestyle of being so busy with work I don't know how he sees he can do it but hopefully he's making enough money to hire a bunch of nannies. I'm truly sorry for your loss and the kids loss.
 
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#24 ·
Yes, it’s incredibly hurtful. How does one make it through constant pain? I think getting something going that occupies all your time, that also greatly improves your life is good medicine. I personally think your husband has another woman, but it doesn’t matter. He’s out and you are FREE of him to find a man that WANTS you above all others. He’s out there. Hang in there and learn to be happy and he will find you.
You May feel overwhelmed and helpless. You aren’t. You are you. And YOU can overcome this.
 
#25 ·
I appreciate everyone's kind words more than you could know. I'm going to prepare myself for the worst and pray that he sees that I have always loved and cherished our marriage. I don't know what will happen or who I am anymore but I guess I'll find out in the coming weeks... Please keep me and our kids in your thoughts - I seriously need all the positivity I can get right now.
 
#39 ·
I don't think he cares that you love and cherish the marriage. At this point you need to have some self-respect and stop catering to him and giving yourself false hope. If you don't you could end up in a position of full compromise and zero fulfillment of any kind. He doesn't want to be with you so you should not want to be with him because first requirement to want to be with someone is whether or not they want you. I'm sorry to be brutal, but wishing and hoping and catering to him isn't going to improve your situation. Getting some self-respect and going on with your life is the only thing that's going to help your situation. I feel bad for both you and the kids but it is what it is.
 
#27 ·
Unless there's something you've not told us, this sounds very odd, like he was looking for an out and he took it.
I genuinely feel like a fish out of water. It's very strange to me too. I asked a close friend if they truly believed he could be cheating and they agreed that no there's no way with the work schedule (she is involved in work). I truly trust him and don't think he would ever do that to me (but I guess this was a surprise too!).

I just keep searching for an answer as to why he was loving, attentive, affectionate, kind, amazing... Then suddenly completely withdrew all of a sudden and wants to explode our family and not sure what he wants. I even asked why he wouldn't tell me this before so we could work on it - and he just said he didn't think he could. I am SUPER open so I'm surprised he would say that...

The whole ordeal is just painful and messy. I'm tired of not eating or sleeping.
 
#33 ·
I feel looking back on texts, messages, cards, I was very appreciative. I wrote notes and called and did everything in my power to love him. I uprooted my whole life and moved hours away to be close to his work for him which I felt was an ultimate show of support. He thinks I'm unsupportive in that I need quality time and my anxiety makes me frustrated when he calls to tell me he's not coming home from a big job. I am genuinely working on my anxious attachment but when we moved here I had no support system and he became everything. He feels smothered even when I feel like it's not. I'm trying to understand his side and be flexible to change.


Also yes, I called my mom who is here with me.
 
#29 ·
I had an ex tell me I wasn't supportive enough. It means different things to different people. I thought I was being super supportive in action, but what he wanted was a lot more pep talks and appreciation. I have tried to get better over time at positive affirmations for others but that is so I can grow as a person. In the end we weren't compatible.

Maybe it's cultural. To an English person a grade on a paper of "satisfactory" is quite good, and about average. To an American that reads as "really s%*$" and "just adequate." Giving praise to Americans, I have to remember to be WAY more effusive than I would naturally be.
 
#30 ·
Maybe it's cultural. To an English person a grade on a paper of "satisfactory" is quite good, and about average. To an American that reads as "really s%*$" and "just adequate." Giving praise to Americans, I have to remember to be WAY more effusive than I would naturally be.
You are not American? I'm not English, but I appreciate the insight... :)
 
#37 ·
He went to the house without telling me while I was at work and scooped up stuff for the kids. Doesn't want me to see them this week... and he's making it pretty clear he's not interested in reconciling right now. So, balls in his court. I'm going to start getting my affairs in order and see if sometime in the next few weeks he has any sort of change in heart after I go silent for a while. This is really the worst possible feeling, I desperately wanted us to figure it out but you can't save a marriage alone I guess. Someone send me some positive thoughts that he will change his mind and give us a shot. Or that I will be ok on my own 😔
 
#45 ·
You're right, a relationship is something that BOTH people need to be all in to fix. It's not like a group project that can still succeed if one person does all the work and the other person slacks off. You don't have him doing the work, and there isn't anything you can do to change HIM.

And honestly, if you don't have a spouse who is all in, you don't have a marriage worth saving. You can fall down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out why he's doing this, or you can focus that mental energy on yourself.

Make a plan. Come up with a list of actions you can take instead of just sitting around in shock. Figure out everything that needs to be divided. Figure out a budget for yourself based on only your income. Decide where you'll live. That sort of thing. Taking control of your future will help you envision being okay. And you will be okay, after the initial shock subsides.

As for his kids, send goodbye messages to them. Tell them you love them dearly, and you're sad that their dad has made this decision, and you'll miss them, and you hope to remain in touch if they need another listening caring adult. Whatever his feelings about you happen to be now, they still love you as their stepmom. They are not going to be able to just turn that off, and are going to be very affected by his actions.
 
#44 ·
Asking if they are cheating is completely pointless, do you really think they’d tell the truth? He is showing all signs of an affair. Have you done ANY sleuthing at all on this?? I agree that finding your self respect is crucial here. Seriously... If he changes his mind and decides to do you the high honor of staying with you... WHY would you still want him? He has proven to you, cheating or not, that he has zero respect for you and no real love. If he were to stay with you, it would only be because it would benefit him in some way, not because he actually wants to be with you.


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