So when I was 20 I was raped my a fellow soldier. *I tried to press charges and nothing happened to him of course. *CID said it was my word against his and he was a military police NCO and I was a private. By the time I was 24 I had become a bit of an alcoholic and a cutter and was raped again at a party. *I was given a date rape drug because I blacked out after one drink and woke up naked. *I found out who carried me out of the party nd asked him why he raped me, he said "you were so beautiful and i just got out of prison..." (yes, he actually said that)... Then he profusely apologized. *When I called the police in the small town it happened in, the cop said "well if you don't remember it then how do you know you were raped"... So I hung up and cried. *I drank a lot and cut myself some more then buried myself in college work... Three years later I was still drinking heavily And got back in the Army... I got knocked up by a man I wasn't attracted to at age 29 and did a marriage online since we weren't stationed together, he told me he loved me and called me everyday. *Due to the army deployments and training my hubby and I were married 3 years but only lived together for 8 months. *He knows about the rapes and has raped me on several occasions. *I told him its rape when I say no and fight him off me but he says it's not because we're married and it's impossible to be rape. *The army has separated us again, not that I'm sad about it but am at a loss of what to do. *He's stationed in germany now and is asking me to follow him. *I asked him for a divorce a month ago and he flew back and begged me to not divorce him. *When I said I still want the divorce, he forced me to have sex and said "your still my wife so you will have sex with me... And I'll be wanting it a couple more times before I go back to Germany"... So he raped me a couple more times before he left. *I couldn't bring myself to call the police because of their reaction before. *He's also a great father and my 3 yr old son keeps asking and crying for his daddy and it breaks my heart. He called me the other day from germany begging me to not take his children from him and to follow him. *He says he loves me but is that even possible? *Is he oblivious to what he's doing? Am I wrong here? *I'm just really confused and numb to it all. *I can't even cry because it has no effect on me. *I am out of the army now and have to decide whether or not to go to germany. *I am not close to my family and have no where else to go. *I have a degree in finance and guys do find me attractive but I'm afraid that the problem is me... Like I'm damaged goods and can never be happy. My husband blames me for it all too saying " you never want to have sex, like ever".... *He said he's getting counseling and will not force me to have sex with him anymore. *He still doesn't think what he does is rape. I googled this because I thought his would be pretty common in a marriage but I couldn't find any blogs about it.