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So when I was 20 I was raped my a fellow soldier. *I tried to press charges and nothing happened to him of course. *CID said it was my word against his and he was a military police NCO and I was a private. By the time I was 24 I had become a bit of an alcoholic and a cutter and was raped again at a party. *I was given a date rape drug because I blacked out after one drink and woke up naked. *I found out who carried me out of the party nd asked him why he raped me, he said "you were so beautiful and i just got out of prison..." (yes, he actually said that)... Then he profusely apologized. *When I called the police in the small town it happened in, the cop said "well if you don't remember it then how do you know you were raped"... So I hung up and cried. *I drank a lot and cut myself some more then buried myself in college work... Three years later I was still drinking heavily And got back in the Army... I got knocked up by a man I wasn't attracted to at age 29 and did a marriage online since we weren't stationed together, he told me he loved me and called me everyday. *Due to the army deployments and training my hubby and I were married 3 years but only lived together for 8 months. *He knows about the rapes and has raped me on several occasions. *I told him its rape when I say no and fight him off me but he says it's not because we're married and it's impossible to be rape. *The army has separated us again, not that I'm sad about it but am at a loss of what to do. *He's stationed in germany now and is asking me to follow him. *I asked him for a divorce a month ago and he flew back and begged me to not divorce him. *When I said I still want the divorce, he forced me to have sex and said "your still my wife so you will have sex with me... And I'll be wanting it a couple more times before I go back to Germany"... So he raped me a couple more times before he left. *I couldn't bring myself to call the police because of their reaction before. *He's also a great father and my 3 yr old son keeps asking and crying for his daddy and it breaks my heart. He called me the other day from germany begging me to not take his children from him and to follow him. *He says he loves me but is that even possible? *Is he oblivious to what he's doing? Am I wrong here? *I'm just really confused and numb to it all. *I can't even cry because it has no effect on me. *I am out of the army now and have to decide whether or not to go to germany. *I am not close to my family and have no where else to go. *I have a degree in finance and guys do find me attractive but I'm afraid that the problem is me... Like I'm damaged goods and can never be happy. My husband blames me for it all too saying " you never want to have sex, like ever".... *He said he's getting counseling and will not force me to have sex with him anymore. *He still doesn't think what he does is rape. I googled this because I thought his would be pretty common in a marriage but I couldn't find any blogs about it.
 

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Discussion Starter #2 (Edited)
I stopped drinking when I became pregnant with my son. I don't drink at all now that I have my two kids, the three old and a six month old daughter. I love my kids more than anything in the world... It's why I'm torn on staying here because he is a really good father.
 

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Find a domestic violence shelter and start using their resources. There is help! Only you know your husband well enough to know what he is capable of doing. This is domestic violence. There is a cycle there and you need support. If you want to privately message me, I'd be happy to help you find a DV shelter so you can get options on what you can do.
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Now that's some seriously fked up sh-t

Personally I think you're too tolerant, you've gone through hell and the last thing you need is to have to spend the rest of your life with someone who repeats the trauma of your past. But that's just me =/
 

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Rape is Rape.

You need to get out of the house, and call the police.
I would strongly recommend you seek therapy you have been through to much for one person.

Best of luck.
 

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no, he is NOT a "really good father".
this is the man your kids will look up to as a role model.
now, ask yourself again if he is a good father.
you need to seek help immediately and Regga has offered that help.
TAKE IT.
 

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no, he is NOT a "really good father".
this is the man your kids will look up to as a role model.
now, ask yourself again if he is a good father.
you need to seek help immediately and Regga has offered that help.
TAKE IT.
This. Because hitting like is not enough. You need to leave now - for your safety and the safety of your kids.
 

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STAY AWAY FROM THIS RAPIST MONSTER!!!!

He's totally messing with your mind if you think for one second that this is something you should put up with. What a horrible person he is. He's a rapist. NO - he is NOT good father material. I'm sure there are many criminals and rapists who help little old ladies across the street and are good to some people. That does NOT make them good people. They are still bad.

He's not a good father because he treats their mother like a piece of meat. There is no separating the 2 - he treats you bad but he treats the kids good, so all is well. No - all is not well. Take the advice above. Use your degree, get some counseling, build up your self esteem, and then you will know without a shadow of a doubt that you deserve a hell of a lot better than this animal treatment of you. You deserve so much better than this.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I am seeing a therapist tomorrow to talk about this and other issues and seevwhat she recommends. I just don't think it's fair to the kids to never see their father... They are so happy when they are with him. I guess I am feeling guilty because I asked him to go to Germany so we could fix our marriage, I also let him get a vasectomy two weeks prior to him leaving for Germany knowing our marriage was shaky... But thank you all for your input and advice. I will keep you all posted on the outcome if your interested.
 

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There are no words I can say how sorry I feel for you.

Get away from this guy, not your husband.

I husband respects his wife saying no and that's the end of it. If he's really in the mood, check out porn and relieve himself.

I have never forced my wife to have sex with me against her will. I could never do such a thing. Must be my God fearing upbringing.

Divorce, joint custody, great dad for the kids and stay away from him whenever you can. Get a new man, big strong guy and watch your rapist husband run!!!:mad:
 

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I am seeing a therapist tomorrow to talk about this and other issues and seevwhat she recommends. I just don't think it's fair to the kids to never see their father... They are so happy when they are with him. I guess I am feeling guilty because I asked him to go to Germany so we could fix our marriage, I also let him get a vasectomy two weeks prior to him leaving for Germany knowing our marriage was shaky... But thank you all for your input and advice. I will keep you all posted on the outcome if your interested.
If the therapist doesn't tell you to run to the nearest lawyer and file for divorce, get a new therapist. This dude lost all father privileges when he started raping you and, to be honest, I wouldn't trust him around your kids. He's abusive. Today it's you, tomorrow it could be them. The kids are young and will eventually understand.
 

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I stopped drinking when I became pregnant with my son. I don't drink at all now that I have my two kids, the three old and a six month old daughter. I love my kids more than anything in the world... It's why I'm torn on staying here because he is a really good father.
P1980:

These statements pushed me beyond the point credulity with the overall veracity of your dialogue and the logical disconnect between good father/rapist is entirely disconcerting. As others have urged, get yourself some help.
 
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The times are far and few in between where I imagine meeting some scumbag like this and taking care of the problem in a very basic and primal way.

P1980...get out of there. Get your kids out of there. You figured this would be a common issue? No. It's not. It is so not common or normal that it makes me sick just reading this. I was literally stunned for a few minutes upon reading it.

Get out. Take care of your children and yourself.
 

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No means no married or not. Rape is not your fault. I think about 1/3 of all women have been raped. It is hard to prove and as long as society condones it and men get away with it is going to keep happening. I was raped at 9 and the guy only got two years in prison and it took me decades to get over. Most of the women I know have been raped. You are not alone and it isn't your fault.
 

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I've decided to go to Germany and try to fix what is broke and if it can't be fixed then I'll file for divorce while there.. We will both be going to counseling, together and separately. My husband will support me getting my masters degree and I will be able to be home with my kids. If he does anything violent to me then I told him I would go to the police and his army career would be over... Thank you all for your opinions but I just don't feel strong enough to be on my own and I hate seeing my kids miss their dad. I am also going to get counseling while I'm in germany...thank you all again.
 

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In the USA it's a crime for a man to rape his wife.

In some cultures/countries is it not. This is especially true in many 3rd world countries. IN those cultures sex with his wife is considered a man’s right. She cannot turn him down unless there are medical and other serious reasons for it. The only time it would be considered rape of a wife is if her husband badly hurt her, like breaking bones and very serious burses, etc. And even then it would probably be considered assault/battery and not rape.

Germany is not a 3rd world country. I’m pretty sure that it’s illegal to rape his wife there as well. Check out the laws.

Also, get copies of the laws about rape in your state, Germany, any anywhere else you will live. Make sure you husband reads them so that he understands that you have every right to say no and to have him prosecuted.

Has he ever left bruises on you? Broken bones? Or otherwise injured you?
 

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Marital Rape Law & Legal Definition

The armed forces are not the place to seek legal redress for rape. The vast majority of cases reported never get prosecuted. Take your case to a women's law center.

Also, you have a long history have having your boundaries completely shattered. Right now, you are not in the best frame of mind to enforce your personal decisions so you MUST stay away from him and you MUST get counseling.

Know your rights, get support to stand up for yourself. Peace to you.
 

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Look up the principles of consent (Google.)

Print out multiple copies and put them where you can refer to them often.

Also look up the signs and symptoms of abuse.
This might be painful.
 

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I think you need to get into counseling ASAP. Sounds like you've had a lot to work through before you got married and didn't. This will continue to haunt your further relationships even if you divorce this guy.
 
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