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What to do?

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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi Everyone,

I know this post will be somewhat long but I really appreciate anyone whose willing to read it and respond with their thoughts, advice or own experiences. I'm at a loss for what to do right now and any help or insight would be wonderful.

What it boils down to is that my husband no longer has any feelings for me and he wants to divorce. I know this not only because he has told me but because I could see the indifference in him when we talked. We had more than our fair share of problems lately and it's not the first time he's mentioned divorce but this time I can tell he really, truly means it.

I'll start from the beginning. We started out as a long distance relationship. Him here in the States and me in UK. In the beginning our relationship was incredible and the time we spent together face to face quickly formed a bond like none other I have ever experienced. I loved him dearly from the start and in spite of the physical distance we were in almost constant contact and learned a lot about each other while reinforcing that bond. As a military man he was deployed for almost 12 months and I made it my goal, and promise to him, that I would be here in the States when he returned. Unfortunately that's easier said than done and by the end of his deployment I still wasn't able to relocate here. In the meantime he had faced a number of personal and professional challenged that really affected him and he had began t lose hope that I would ever come to live in America. That took a huge toll on both of us and really made a dent in our relationship. However, the love was still very much there so we married and I began the process to moving to US. By this point he was in a bad way emotionally and had began to lean on a female friend for support. While I was still trying to tie things up in the UK he slept with her, something that devastated me.

I came to the conclusion that he hadn't set out to cheat nor was he fundamentally a dishonest person so I moved to the States irrespective, seeing his actions more as someone desparate for love and support.

When I arrived here I had no idea how bad things were for him emotionally or how difficult he it was for him to make the adjustment from deployment back to regular life and to be honest, I didn't handle the situation particularly well. Partly because I had come into it blind, partly because he was very closed and not communicating, partly because I was very stressed myself and still hurting form his cheating.

Anyway, fast forward 18 months or so. Things have overall gotten much worse. There have been times when we've shown improvement but ultimately it's like one step forward and two steps back. Part of that is down to me. I didn't understand what he need from me and sometimes, because of they way he communicated his needs, I saw it as more of an order than a request and I didn't give him what he wanted. I now also realise that, in his own way, he thinks he's been giving me everything I need however he hasn't done it in the way that I needed.

The end result of it all, as I said, is that he has reached the point where he no longer feels anything for me. I know it's the truth because I no longer make him happy, sad, angry or anything else. He's just indifferent. Unfortunately, I still love him. Very much so. And I still truly want to make our marriage work. I can see where we went wrong and know that none of the issues we had are too big to be fixed, now that I actually understand what had caused the problems in the first place. Trouble is I have no idea how or even if it's possible to rekindle a love that, at least for one of us, is lost. I may have made him sound horrible in this post but he's not. He has many, many great qualities and I feel that it's circumstances, rather extreme circumstances, that have lead us to where we are, not some fundamental incompatibility.

If anyone has any advice or is experiencing a similar situation I love to hear from you.

Thank you so much for reading. :)

Hopefully this will help lead to some anwers


:confused:

:scratchhead:
 

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Hiding and sulking won't get hi back and it won't get you on your feet.

Begging, pleading and trying to talk him round won't get him back either and again won't get you on your feet.

Sounds like he has massive issues to work through and that you for the reasons you say were quite blind to what you were going into. It isnt uncommon for military personnel to struggle to adapt to civilian life but it isnt a free pass to adultery or divorce. His issues are his to deal wit or not. Also don't discount cheating still. So many people come to TAM saying the same only to find out otherwise down the line.

I honestly think all you can do is tell the truth, that it isn't the right decision in your mind but that you accept he has made his decision.
Forget his problems as best you can and focus on yourself.

I was devastated when i came to TAM, but they guys and gals here are amazing and for me, I found issues of my own i hadn't realised I had (on top of some I did know about heh)
 

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the 180 list is your only hope at this point imho:

The Healing Heart: The 180

learn it, live it, and hope it slowly starts to work, i'm not gonna lie, the process is a bit slow IF you can stick to the plan.
Yes. The more you push and plead the less attractive you become. Agree to a divorce and happily move forward with your own life. if there's any chance it lies there, and you may find you're happier without him. Besides, why would you want to push yourself on someone that doesn't want you? That's as degrading as it gets.
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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thank you all for your responses. I'm sure you realize how big a deal it is to receive some support and advice. And thank you for suggesting the 180, sounds like a sensible approach. All of you are right, begging and pleading will do no good and may even make things worse, if that's possible! I guess it just seems avoidable that it's come to this, yet somehow it has!
 

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Hindsight is a b1tch.

Anything is avoidable or repairable if both parties want to bad enough. You cannot nice him into being willing. Let him have his decision, look to yourself.

It is much much harder to do than say, TAM has been amazing for me in that sense. My wife was always who I turned to to sort through the mess in my head, now I come here instead.
 

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It is very possible that he can love you again.When I came to my situation.. The problems he had with me were problems within himself. Stress that he couldnt deal with and the way our relationship changed after I became pregnant. But you said your husband is a military man which means more than likely he has many suppressed issues that he needs to face. The book about love languages really helped us. If u haven't already you should check it out and NEVER lose hope.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thanks Folks,

K.C. you're right, I can't force anything and nor should I.

Betski, I really do hope you're right. We actually started reading that book together but never got the opportunity to finish it before things took that final turn South.

I've put my heart and soul into this man, albeit at times I did it in the wrong way. Such a sad situation :(
 

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Hindsight is a b1tch.

Anything is avoidable or repairable if both parties want to bad enough. You cannot nice him into being willing. Let him have his decision, look to yourself.


It is much much harder to do than say, TAM has been amazing for me in that sense. My wife was always who I turned to to sort through the mess in my head, now I come here instead.
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Cheats are cowards and sadly this exact deception happens over and over in threads on TAM.

Have you read about the 180?
It's time to drop him like a hot potatoe and see to yourself.
 
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