[sunnybunny1]

Gonna try to make this short. My husband had been "in love" (quote him) with his co-worker and having an affair with her for 5 years. He said he was in love with her and wanted a divorce so I told him fine and he moved out and they got their own place. After 2 days of being out of the house he started calling me in the middle of the night. I would ignore the call so he would text that he missed me. Id ignore it. He did this night and day for a couple weeks and I would ignore all attempts at contact hoping that starving him of contact would help him miss me and see what a mistake he was making. I stuck to my guns with that one.

About 2 weeks into his being gone he came over to pick the kids up and found texts on my phone between me and a guy I started seeing. Seeing this freaked him out and he insisted on moving back in and working things out right on the spot. He left his GF with no explanation and no goodbye. I told him I would give our family a chance but the first hint of a lie and he needs to go.

Its been a year and hes been on his best behavior doing everything Ive asked. I don't know if Im making a situation when there may not be one but I dont believe this is real. If he lied for 5 years why stop now? If he loved her for so long for 5 years, how did he just flip the switch and stop loving her. I don't believe any of it. He's very afraid of losing me and I can see that but Im still very skeptical about how good he's being and expecting something bad to happen since its been a roller coaster ride during those 5 years. I think I have some really valid concerns since I don't see it as normal for him to just get over her in a matter of minutes. Im hurt, and I want him to go where he really wants to be so I can move on and be happy. Im not going to force anyone to be with me but hes insisting its me he loves. Hmmm...

 

[KittyKat]

"You never know what you have until it's gone"

You must really love him to take him back knowing he lied to you for 5 yrs and was sleeping with another woman during that time.

As to whether or not he actually loves you, I think he does. I think he had a playtoy on the side all those years because he could. Love? Maybe, but doubtful. More like lust. Something was going on (or not) in your marriage where he felt he could have his cake and eat it too. He didn't think YOU would move on so quickly and that lit a fire under his arse. He stopped seeing his playtoy and became the husband he should have been all along.

So you've been back together for a year now. Is he doing anything remotely similiar as he did during those 5 years he cheated? If not, and you can account for every minute of the day on where he's at, can check his phone, know about and get into email accounts, etc. he's probably got his act together.

Have the two of you sat down and discussed why he cheated? Have you told him what his cheating has done to you and your marriage?
And just because you got back together and are trying to work things out, that doesn't mean YOU have to stay with him and I'd make sure he understood that.

You are a better woman than me. I would have beat the crap out of him and filed for divorce immediately.

 

[warlock07]

He left his GF with no explanation and no goodbye

Poor woman. He was lying to her for 5 years. He was lying and cheating on you for 5 years. He came back because he considered you his property and you were leaving him.(You don't want it but you also don't want others having it) Your H is POS that shouldn't be allowed to get in touch with female species

 

[NextTimeAround]

Proof that (some) men love drama.

I write that here because it had been drilled into my head for so long that men don't like drama and they move away from the woman that causes it. I no longer subscribe to conventional wisdom.

 

[ChelseaBlue]

Your H is POS that shouldn't be allowed to get in touch with female species

This is all you need to know. In five years do you want to be with a man who has treated you, and the OW, with total disdain. How long before he finds another plaything and walks out on you again? How long before his attention is shifted to another? He lied to you for 5 years!

 

[iheartlife]

Have either of you done any hard examination of your marriage? Has your husband attended individual counseling to sort himself out?

If not, then you stand an excellent chance of repeating history. Just ignoring the past because he's back in the house is the purest form of 'rugsweeping' and it prevents you from sharing your deepest selves with one another and living in truth.

But I can easily explain the flip of the switch. What he had with her was a fantasy. She never had to tell him to drive to the pharmacy in the middle of the night for the kid's fever medicine, or to pick up the dog poop in the yard, or stop leaving empty beer bottles in the family room.

As you can see, just a short amount of time actually living with her popped that bubble, and good. (People who prefer their boyfriends to be married to someone else rarely make good life partner material.) It's just a shame it took so very long.

You still are left to pick up the pieces of his selfishness. The hurt, the anger, the betrayal.

Have you read Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley, or Staying Together When an Affair Pulls You Apart by Stephen M. Judah?

Once you've processed your grief and he's in counseling, and IF you make the choice to stay with him, read the 5 Love Languages, Love Busters, and His Needs / Her Needs. Their websites have free questionnaires that can help married couples connect on a deeper level.

But you have a larger issue looming ahead, which is how to rebuild trust in this person who took your heart, which he was supposed to protect and cherish, and ran over it with a garbage truck for a very long time.

 

[CandieGirl]

5 years and you let him back? Omg.

 

[DanglingDaisy]

I'm really shocked you took him back?!?

He screwed around on you for FIVE years...not five seconds or five days. He drops you like garbage to run off with her. Then he drops her like garbage and runs back to you.

He's used both of you-of COURSE you don't feel you can trust him If you saw your daughter in this same situation,would you recommend her to take him back?

It breaks my heart to read your story and just gets me all angry to see that you had to deal with all of that

 

[Cherry]

He did this night and day for a couple weeks and I would ignore all attempts at contact hoping that starving him of contact would help him miss me and see what a mistake he was making. I stuck to my guns with that one.

You accomplished what you set out to do. Have the two of you been to counseling to address the previous 5 years, his lying or his relationship with this woman? Is he still working with this woman?

 

[sunnybunny1]

Thank you everyone for your responses.

Kitty-I do love him but what I think it is more is a dependency, in some form. And yes he's very transparent now. We switch phones a couple of times a week, I have access to all accounts. I actually did file for divorce a couple of days after he moved out, that coupled with me seeing someone else was what really freaked him out. He told me part of the reason he did this was that he started feeling like a failure because I put him down alot and nagged about what he was always doing wrong. It was hard to hear but Im glad it was pointed out. I didn't realize how annoying that is. Even though I understand the why I don't agree with how he dealt with it.

Warlock - I agree. Although my damaged ego did get pleasure out of her being hurt at that moment. I did speak to her several times on the phone during those 5 years and the 1st convo she insisted she didn't know he was married, so the convo was civil. After that it was just me being pathetic and telling her to back off and her saying she's so sorry - again. The last convo it was her calling me and telling me to back off because my husband is gonna be her husband soon so just deal with it, when it was actually him who kept bothering me and coming around but she thought I was some how manipulating him into coming over and staying at home. I did understand that it was his lies that made her feel the way she felt.

Next Time - I totally agree!

Chelsea - Thats what Im telling myself. I actually believe this will happen again but Im also hoping that he's actually changed even though I know theres a very good chance he never will.

iheartlife- Havent had a commitment to long term counseling but had band aid sessions here and there. Your second paragraph was spot on. He says Im being weird all of a sudden. Its because now Im actually ready and wanting to face the facts of what happened. Thank you for the book suggestions. Everything you said was so right!

Candie - I know! I actually tell myself that sometimes.
Dangling - Absolutely agree. I know Ive been avoiding facing this for a while but Id like to actually dredge up the facts and deal with the issues now. Dont know what the waiting and avoiding was for, but I did know for a fact that I wanted to face this at some point and get real.

Cherry - No counseling yet. He is still working at the same company, just transfered to a different office location.

 

[Prodigal]

I do love him but what I think it is more is a dependency, in some form.

'Nuff said. Codependency. We all have it, to some degree. You and your hubs have it big time. You are very insightful. This is some form of love, but it is more a form of dependency.

Soooo ... here is what I would recommend (take what you want and leave the rest): get a copy of Melodie Beattie's Codependent No More. Get into IC before you venture into MC.

You both owe it to one another to have the most fulfilling relationship you can have ... or end it. JMO, but his "best behavior" is allowing him to maintain a relationship that allows his - and your - codependency to maintain the status quo.

Why not find out? Get into some serious counseling. With that, you could ascertain whether or not all the stuff that has occurred in your relationship is worth saving, or just one and/or both of you clinging to unhealthy patterns of relating learned eons ago ...

 

[moxy]

You did the exact right thing in letting him go because it woke him right up out of the affair. However, he seems like a serious jerk. Do you actually want him back?

If he lied to you for five years about the affair and then only came back because he realized he's losing you, then he really needs some putting in place because there need to be consequences. Otherwise, he's essentially hearing that you'll take him back another time, too. Don't let him think it wasn't a big deal because it was a very big deal; otherwise, he might try to resurrect this underground when things seem calm and quiet. Make marriage counseling a condition of your reconciliation.

Did his AP know he was married? Is she married? Is there a chance that he's lying about just abandoning her without a goodbye because they're just covering their tracks? It's a little suspicious.

And, DO NOT trust him. Be vigilant to make sure that the affair hasn't gone underground. He may just be trying to appease you so that when you're not really paying attention, he can resume things with the AP. A five year affair can't be this easy to give up cold turkey. Get a VAR and a GPS in his car. Put a keylogger on his computer. Monitor things.

You're a saint to take him back after he has treated you that badly, but make sure you're not a fool. That is, don't let him sucker you into believing he is a changed man if he is lying.

Does he seem remorseful about what he did? Is he doing any of the heavy lifting? Does his return seem sincere or manipulative?

Please don't trust him without verifying that he is trustworthy. And, make sure you guys get STD tested and that you expose the affair so that he can't resume things easily with his AP. And, make sure he takes the right steps like sending a no contact letter to his AP.

Consider posting in the Coping With Infidelity section because everyone in there knows what you're going through and might have useful stuff to say.

 

[Dollystanford]

he sounds like a real catch....

 

[sunnybunny1]

Prodigal - thank you Youre right! I'll be picking that book up soon.
Moxy - Thank you too! He's already been caught and taken back by me over 10 times over the past 5 years and that's been the way he's done it- stop for a little while and its back on again. I really don't believe this time it'll be any different at least not with this same woman. She did tell me once that no matter what happens and no matter how many times he comes back to me that she's always love him and want him back because of what they've been thru. Im not under estimating her and him.

Shes not married, her husband left her and the kids for someone else. Good job on her part.

Dolly - lol I feel you!

 

[ChelseaBlue]

He's already been caught and taken back by me over 10 times over the past 5 years and that's been the way he's done it- stop for a little while and its back on again. I really don't believe this time it'll be any different ...

Ten times? Ten times? TEN TIMES!!!!! Really, TEN TIMES????

Time to get out, NOW!

He has no respect for you or your marriage. You will be putting up with this behavior as long as you are with him. You deserve to be respected and loved. You don't deserve this.

You deserve better.

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

He's already been caught and taken back by me over 10 times over the past 5 years and that's been the way he's done it- stop for a little while and its back on again. I really don't believe this time it'll be any different

And what EXACTLY do you think he's learned from all this yo-yoing? That no matter HOW BADLY he acts, you'll take him back.

It's like a kid who whines/nags. He whines/nags for 30 seconds, and then you give in. You get p*ssed and determine that you're not gonna put up with it. Next time, he whines/nags for 60 seconds before you can't stand it, and then you give in. The next time, he whines/nags for 2 minutes before you give in. You haven't taught him not to whine/nag...you've just taught him that he's gonna have to whine/nag LONGER before YOU GIVE IN. (At this point, it's a game and HE knows he's always gonna win eventually.)

And speaking of kids, you have been dragging your kids through this screwed-up mess for 6+ years!!! What are THEY thinking? What are THEY witnessing? What are THEY internalizing as correct behavior for grown men/women? What are they going to act like or accept as 'normal' behavior when THEY'RE spouses?

Do you REALLY want your sons to grow up to be cheaters/womanizers? You and H are presenting this as acceptable/normal behavior in marriage! Do you REALLY want your daughters to accept continual cheating from their husbands as 'normal' behavior in a marriage?

The upheaval in these kids' lives is tremendous! Dad's here, he's not. He's with mom, he's with GF. He's gone, he's back. He's gone again, he's back again. He's up, he's down, he's mad, she's glad, etc.....

You need to pull your 'big girl' panties up, and take care of this situation CORRECTLY and IMMEDIATELY before you create another generation of emotional abusers/users and another generation of victims. You'll be the ones listening to them (and their wives), you'll be watching your grandchildren live this cr*p.

Quit IGNORING this toxic behavior (on both your parts), quit WISHING it would go away, and quit HOPING it will all work out right. It IS toxic. It isn't going away. And nothing ever just 'works itself out.'

 

[sunnybunny1]

Chelsea - Agree

Slowly getting wiser - That's exactly right. What is the correct way to deal with this? He's asking me to get us into marriage counseling because he wants to deal with this too. I want individual counseling and marriage counseling since I do see that we both have issues that are factors in the situation. Do we or do we not stay together is the question. He says he loves me and wants to do whatever it takes to keep our family together so what do I do with that? I think just starting the counseling is the first step and figuring it out from there since Im hearing the kids tell me what they want and Im also thinking about what I want and I want to do the least painful thing for them but what is that? Them seeing this unhealthy pattern of relating between mom and dad as the example of a marriage and family or just having them go from one household to the other on specific days - moms new family then dads new family while theyre the step children. Im trying to figure out which one is the lesser of two evils and Im hoping counseling will help me come to a more informed conclusion.

Ive always suspected that the affair has gone under ground. My H seems so afraid to lose me but like Ive said - Im not ever going to under estimate her, or him. My problem is the co-dependency deal, no matter how many times Ive thought I was finally gone and out of his life he would tell me exactly what I want to hear and Id give in. Its a bad cycle that Ive allowed to go on for most of my life and yes...look who's in the cycle with us, the children.

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

I want individual counseling and marriage counseling

I think you EACH need IC and together you need MC. It is hard to make a HEALTHY MARRIAGE (through MC) with two UNHEALTHY people. Thus, the need for IC x 2 AND MC.

For the sake of your children, you and H need TO AGREE that THIS IS THE LAST TIME you're going to go the MC route! This merry-go-round you two have dragged your kids on for THEIR ENTIRE LIVES is twisted! It ends NOW...either a SINCERE reconciliation OR a divorce. There are WORSE things for your kids than splitting their time at 2 houses and being step-children...like this convoluted, screwed-up 'marriage' you two currently have.

Do we or do we not stay together is the question. Im hoping counseling will help me come to a more informed conclusion.

THIS should be the PRIMARY focus of your MC. Until the first MC session actually occurs, I would recommend that EVERYBODY should STAY WHERE THEY ARE NOW! If your H is currently living in your home, he should stay there until you meet with your MC and s/he can make a determination. If your H is NOT currently living in your home he should stay out until you meet with your MC and s/he can make a determination. Your kids have SEEN ENOUGH of the coming and going. Let a professional help you determine the best current living arrangement.

Your MC MAY recommend at some point that you and H physically separate for a while until certain boundaries have been established or certain actions have been undertaken. LISTEN to the MC...you're paying a professional for his/her opinion. Never mind what you and H think...it hasn't worked YOUR way, so give the professional a chance.

During your FIRST MC session, make sure you INSIST on the following:

1. Full disclosure to the MC. The Truth. The Whole Truth. No fudging on the facts, no glossing over the cr*ppy parts, no re-writing history. The WHOLE UGLY NASTY RIDICULOUS TRUTH! Your MC will NOT be able to help you OR YOUR CHILDREN if you're NOT willing to be 100% brutally honest. Face it, you two have nothing to lose...it can't get any worse than it is now!

2. Tell your husband that he has given you NO REASON to trust him. And it stops NOW. If he has ANYTHING to confess (like the affair has gone 'underground'), he better do it NOW. Because if he gives you even ONE more lie or subterfuge, you are going to file for divorce IMMEDIATELY. And, sunnybunny, YOU BETTER MEAN IT !!!! You two have dragged your poor kids to Hell and back REPEATEDLY. If he is NOT going to be 100% honest, then he is wasting EVERYBODY'S time and p*ssing away your kids' childhoods! And YOU are certainly not without fault in this whole mess, either.

This is the LAST CHANCE your family has of surviving this mess. YOU, sunnybunny, are the last hope your children have for a shot at 'normal'. Some/all of them may need IC or you may need family counseling when all is said and done. But you two made this situation what it is, and you two have to clean it up, however hard it may be.

 

[mrstj4sho88]

What your husband walked out on you and yall kids for some thrash? He dropped you like a bad habit. Question how did your cell phone get where he could read your text messages? You knew he was coming over and did not hide your phone? Come on now you wanted your husband to see the text messages. This man cheated on you for five years with that woman. Do you really think the affair is over? I think maybe your husband has gotten smarter about hiding it.The OW is his co-worker :scratchhead:. She put up with him being married and still was sleeping with him. She may still be hanging around. With all those STD and AIDS out ,you took this man back. I hope you went to the doctor for a complete check up. You don't know what that OW might be caring . This man disrespected you and his kids for five years. No you can't trust him . Don't forget that man walked out on your family. IMO if you walk out you stay out !! Your husband gave you all kinds of weak excuses for his affair (it's no excuse to walk out on his kids). You let him come back now you had better keep one eye open. Once a cheat always a cheater..I wish you goodluck with your family.

 

[mrstj4sho88]

He walked out on you and the kids . He would have stayed out !! He keeps playing games with you. It is wrong for your kids to have to keep dealing with this kind of life. He is a very selfish man. Next time change the locks and move on. Your kids need to see you happy. It is very simple for me "you walk out you stay out"..