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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited by Moderator)
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I’ve been married now for almost 5 years together for 7. In the first 3 years of our relationship I did everything above and beyond for my husband because I wanted him to see how much I love him.

I let down barriers that I never did in previous relationships (as well as my previous marriage) and was completely vulnerable/submissive. At some point my husband (we were dating at the time) wanted a dog, a bigger breed dog, and I agreed to it but in the back of my mind I know it was a bad idea (I had 2 small children from a previous marriage and honestly I was not educated on how to care for larger dogs and didn’t do any research before hand) but he convinced me this was his “dream” dog and so I just trusted him and went with the flow.. it was a nightmare.

We got the dog as a puppy but neither of us had the knowledge to properly train the dog, and when we had her evaluated by a specialist he’d pretty much told us something was “wrong” with her (the mother bit her as a puppy and he said that was her way of eliminating the puppy?). Any who, my husband in my opinion didn’t properly care for her and I was growing aggravated by the day of the destruction she was causing to my home. It was starting to put a huge strain on our relationship when we had ZERO problems before.

The last straw came when the dog bit my then 6 year old son. My husband was not home when the incident occurred and I did not witness it, I just heard my son scream in distress and when I got to him, my son was laid on the floor in the fetal position with my daughter yelling that the dog had bitten him. From that point on I wanted the dog out of my house.

My husband tried to down play the situation (mind you he was not there) and claim that she was probably playing and got too rough. It ended with us separating which really changed how I felt/loved him. I felt like after everything I’d done for him up til that point meant nothing when he was letting me know he cared more about this dog. And I felt I was made to be a * when I was choosing my kids safety. Eventually he rehomed the dog but it’s still a sensitive topic for me. It’s been 4 years, and I still think about it from time to time. We even argue every once in awhile because he feels I have changed and am not as emotionally connected and I just want to scream “I wonder why!?”

In the mist of all of that we adopted a smaller dog and we’ve had him for 5 years. He’s old and so we expect he only has a few more years life expectancy and so for some reason the topic of dogs came up in a conversation between him and my daughter. He told her when our current dog passed, he planned on getting that same breed dog that he rehomed some years earlier. All those emotions started flooding back and we started to argue. It’s a few days later and it’s still on my mind. Like why would he want to put our marriage through that again?

I can’t talk to him because I know it’s just going to be an argument, but I’m finding myself distancing from him from just the thought of going through that all over again
 

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Why does he think is ok to get a dog without his own wifes approval?
I don't blame you for being upset. He clearly knows it's a sensitive subject for you, so why does he think that's ok? You have to ask him, after you calm down of course.
 

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... why would he want to put our marriage through that again?
My guess is he doesn't particularly respect you or your opinion. He doesn't take you seriously. You left before and you returned. If you don't want that particular breed of dog in your home, you either stand firm on your opinion or you learn to live with that breed. Doesn't sound like he's much on compromise.

The question I have is why, after you put your marriage through this once before, are you still hanging around for act two?
 

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I understand that it's a sensitive topic for you and I understand why you don't want another big dog. But you need to get into therapy and/or marriage counseling. You should not be holding onto so much resentment that it's still an issue 4 years later, and affecting your marriage this much.

Your husband needs to learn to respect your feelings and opinions, and take some responsibility. Here is what I'd tell him. If he wants that breed again (what breed was it?), then he needs to do a few things:

A) get the dog from a reputable breeder or breed-specific shelter

B) he needs to find a reputable dog trainer, before getting the dog

C) he needs to pay for said trainer in advance, before getting the dog

D) get some books on dog training and actually read them, before to getting the dog
 

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Having a person in the house who doesn't like dogs will cause problems the dog wouldn't otherwise have.

The kids have no doubt picked up on your feelings toward the dog and dogs are very sensitive to all that. It is said that dogs bite fear.

Dogs are the kindest most loyal people loving animals on the face of the Earth. So there usually is a reason if one goes rogue and that reason is usually human but could also be a medical problem. For example mine has seizures and is extra defensive because of this because both people and dogs will attack her when her energy is off before during and after a seizure.

You have kids and he wants a dog. Does that mean you don't have kids together?

Training only goes so far. You can't make a dog be a human. You have to somehow get the human to understand dogs. I'm sure it broke his heart to rehome that dog and I hope he's able to visit it. All I can tell you is I understand to a certain extent your concern since a child got bit but I do think it was partly due to the dynamic of you being hostile to the dog.

I would choose my dog over anyone because she is my responsibility. But I do agree with the others that considering you don't like dogs much, he shouldn't be bringing another into the house and if he wants one that bad maybe he should just move out and get dogs until his heart is content. the difference between him and me is that if I had known someone didn't like dogs I would never have married them.
 

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I did everything above and beyond for my husband because I wanted him to see how much I love him. I let down barriers that I never did in previous relationships (as well as my previous marriage) and was completely vulnerable/submissive.....I felt like after everything I’d done for him up til that point meant nothing when he was letting me know he cared more about this dog.
So, I'm going to say this, and it just might sting a little, but I'm not saying it to offend you. I'm saying it for you to glean from.

You ever hear a spoiled child is ungrateful?
That's the way it goes for adults too sometimes. Probably pretty often.

You gave him everything you had to show him what he meant to you, but did he give you everything? Did you make sure you meant as much to him as he meant to you? That road is supposed to be a two-way street.

There's a general rule that you can't give more than you get because when you do, you give the other person all the power in the relationship, and nobody handles power all that well. That's why there has to always be a balance. You know the checks and balance rule.

The thing about men is they have to chase. It's a primal instinct even if they are not aware. You gave all of yourself and went above and beyond to show your love, so what was left for him to capture? You showered him freely, so there was nothing for him to earn, and everybody knows the trophy is prized when it's earned. The one given just for showing up holds considerably less value.

I had a friend whose father heard her on the phone with her husband from whom she had recently separated. Dad was kind of disappointed with what he heard from her end of the conversation and when she got off the phone, he sat his daughter down and, among other things, he told her "You forgot that YOU are the prize." See what I mean? You didn't make that man work for it.

So, after giving him everything that was in you, you expected to have earned his gratitude and became disappointed to discover none was forthcoming, that he doesn't care nearly as much as you do. And you also discovered that all he thinks he about is you don't shower like you used to. Still no gratitude, just "Where is my milk and honey?" while he continues to show you how necessary it was for you to give chase so that he'd have something to be grateful for.

I know you didn't know, and I really hate that. I wish there were some kind of school for girls so that every woman knew how to conduct herself in relationships and had the self-esteem not to love a man more than they love themselves. They would never be taken for granted. They'd never be abused. They'd be treated like the prize that they are. And they would settle for nothing less.
 

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I understand that it's a sensitive topic for you and I understand why you don't want another big dog. But you need to get into therapy and/or marriage counseling. You should not be holding onto so much resentment that it's still an issue 4 years later, and affecting your marriage this much.
So much difference between men and women that I can't believe we survived together all these centuries LOL.

Bobert, I'm afraid you missed her point. This is not resentment and has nothing to do with resentment. She is hurt and in pain. And that kind of pain doesn't go away. She didn't deserve this kind of insensitive response. Prefacing it with a claim of understanding and then dismissing her like this means you really didn't understand. Maybe this is just the difference between men and women. And maybe that's why women are known to cry so much.
 

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She didn't want him to get a big dog to begin with. A dog lover wouldn't have already been thinking it was a bad idea.
 
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So much difference between men and women that I can't believe we survived together all these centuries LOL.

Bobert, I'm afraid you missed her point. This is not resentment and has nothing to do with resentment. She is hurt and in pain. And that kind of pain doesn't go away. She didn't deserve this kind of insensitive response. Prefacing it with a claim of understanding and then dismissing her like this means you really didn't understand. Maybe this is just the difference between men and women. And maybe that's why women are known to cry so much.
I wasn't insensitive, nor did I dismiss anything. Stop arguing with people.
 

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Slyoun03, since I had to be falsely accused of arguing just for saying something, I apologize to you for the insensitive and dismissive response you received regarding the very big difference between resentment and heart-rending distress.
 

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I have a question. Did the dog indeed bite your child? Was there a bite mark or was there not? What had been going on when the incident occurred?
And was it established why the child was bitten? Some dogs are mentally damaged and bite for no valid reason. Sometimes an older dog will nip a puppy if it thinks the puppy is out of line. And that happens with both canine and human puppies.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Having a person in the house who doesn't like dogs will cause problems the dog wouldn't otherwise have.

The kids have no doubt picked up on your feelings toward the dog and dogs are very sensitive to all that. It is said that dogs bite fear.

Dogs are the kindest most loyal people loving animals on the face of the Earth. So there usually is a reason if one goes rogue and that reason is usually human but could also be a medical problem. For example mine has seizures and is extra defensive because of this because both people and dogs will attack her when her energy is off before during and after a seizure.

You have kids and he wants a dog. Does that mean you don't have kids together?

Training only goes so far. You can't make a dog be a human. You have to somehow get the human to understand dogs. I'm sure it broke his heart to rehome that dog and I hope he's able to visit it. All I can tell you is I understand to a certain extent your concern since a child got bit but I do think it was partly due to the dynamic of you being hostile to the dog.

I would choose my dog over anyone because she is my responsibility. But I do agree with the others that considering you don't like dogs much, he shouldn't be bringing another into the house and if he wants one that bad maybe he should just move out and get dogs until his heart is content. the difference between him and me is that if I had known someone didn't like dogs I would never have married them.
I never said I didn’t like dogs. In fact most of my life I’ve owned a dog, just smaller ones. I didn’t care for this dog because of its size, the destruction it was causing and my husband’s lack of responsibility towards the dog. The kids liked the dog, and to this day will say they would have been ok if we kept her but they are kids and I am the mother whom is responsible for protecting her kids, and if anyone or anything threatens my kids safety they have to go period! My children and I were in the picture years before the dog came along so don’t you think it broke my heart a little more that he was more concerned of keeping the dog than keeping us? Dogs are great sometimes but there has to be a line between the love you have for your dog and the love you have for your wife and kids. The trainer who came and evaluated her said he sensed something was wrong because the mother bit her as a pup? We never looked further into that. A few years later we had a baby together, she is 2 now. After he rehomed the dog, the family he gave her to rehomed her as well! I don’t know the whole back story but a baby came into the picture and that wife wanted her gone as well. I was never directly hostile towards the dog, but after she bit my son I stopped tending to her. She bit my child, I wanted nothing more to do with her because to me, she was a threat and if I had it my way she would’ve been removed from my home that same night, but I gave him the chance to find her a home. It was a mastiff btw. We had marriage counseling through this whole ordeal and the counselor basically told him you need to rehome the dog, and after that he didn’t want to do counseling anymore.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Why does he think is ok to get a dog without his own wifes approval?
I don't blame you for being upset. He clearly knows it's a sensitive subject for you, so why does he think that's ok? You have to ask him, after you calm down of course.
I don’t think he would be bold enough to bring home a dog without my permission. It just upset me the thought of going through that nightmare again, and now knowing at some point it will be an argument again.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
My guess is he doesn't particularly respect you or your opinion. He doesn't take you seriously. You left before and you returned. If you don't want that particular breed of dog in your home, you either stand firm on your opinion or you learn to live with that breed. Doesn't sound like he's much on compromise.

The question I have is why, after you put your marriage through this once before, are you still hanging around for act two?
He is a really good man. He reluctantly rehomed the dog, and a few years later we had a baby together (although that was also a fight). He’s a father to my older kids and treats them just as his own. This was honestly the ONLY issues that lingers in our relationship and I wish he’d see that. When we argue because he feels like I don’t want to be close to him, this situation comes right back to my mind. I don’t want to hold onto this but then how can I let it go when I know he wants to bring this type of dog (a mastiff) back to my home when he knows how I’ll feel about it. Having a dog is like a luxury to me. It’s something you get when you know it’ll bring you joy. It won’t bring me joy at all, but it’s something he just wants me to tolerate.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
I understand that it's a sensitive topic for you and I understand why you don't want another big dog. But you need to get into therapy and/or marriage counseling. You should not be holding onto so much resentment that it's still an issue 4 years later, and affecting your marriage this much.

Your husband needs to learn to respect your feelings and opinions, and take some responsibility. Here is what I'd tell him. If he wants that breed again (what breed was it?), then he needs to do a few things:

A) get the dog from a reputable breeder or breed-specific shelter

B) he needs to find a reputable dog trainer, before getting the dog

C) he needs to pay for said trainer in advance, before getting the dog

D) get some books on dog training and actually read them, before to getting the dog
We did go to counseling while the dog was still in our home. The counselor basically told me husband, your marriage takes priority and if this dog is causing this much trouble, trouble that was not present before then you need to rehome the dog. My husband didn’t want to go to counseling anymore after that.
 
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