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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband just confessed last night that he had a one night stand with a girl that I know he said this happened 1 year and a half ago... a week before my birthday! I seriously don't understand how he (who is my best friend we tell each other everything) could keep this from me for so long. We were having problems at the time but we managed to work things out and decided to get married. I had no idea about that girl (who makes me feel self conscious now because she's skinny and Australian and I have all this baby fat, varicose veins, and stretch marks from our baby that I just gave birth to 6 months ago). He lied to my face when I asked him if he's ever done anything with her this was before we got married. I honestly feel like I knew it in my heart that something was up with them although I wasn't quite sure why. I asked him again after being married and I think this was shortly after giving birth to our baby. He lied to me again! I didn't question him again after that. To be completely honest I trusted my husband blindly. Which is huge for me because I had never trusted a man in my life before him. This man just loved me so much and stuck by me despite my wild party girl ways. Before him I always said I'd never be married because I didn't believe that was a realistic promise that I could make. I got bored too easily. He stuck by me for better or worse and sometimes it got pretty bad. He made me a believer. Through it all I was certain he would never do this to me. I was blindsided. I feel like a fool. Because I've never experienced such heartbreak I have no idea how to react. The thing that gets to me the most is that this guy married me on national television AND had a baby with me AFTER he betrayed me. I never had a clue. I'm glad he told me I know it must have taken some guts because I have a more outrageous aggressive personality which I think scares him. Surprisingly I'm not mad (yet) more than anything I just feel wounded. I literally feel pressure in my chest from the anxiety. Every time I close my eyes I see her face. I remember the parties where the three of us hung out with our friends. I imagine her touching him or kissing him and that makes my heart flutter with jealousy. It drives me crazy that she's seen his body. I can't help it this is all too fresh for me. I seriously feel like I can't make myself think of anything else everything reminds me of him as we have tons of memories. I'm shocked that my husband can keep a secret this long. He's a terrible liar! I can totally tell when he's hiding something from me. I'm questioning if our marriage is even real because he lied to me when he said those vows. I wonder how many other things he's hiding. He's made me insecure!!!! It was so hard to get rid of insecurities before him(being in party scene can bring them). I feel like getting married and having a baby did wonders. I was in a good place. Yesterday morning I was as happy as can be.

Now I'm driving myself crazy. I keep torturing myself by making him give me details of everything from where to positions to the freakin clothes he was wearing! I'm most definitely going to counseling next week. I thought I was crazy before ... that's nothing compared to the madness running through my head now. My husband and I talked for hours and I feel like nothing was resolved. He said he was sorry and begged me to forgive him. He said he would do anything to make us work which is good because he's going to need that determination to make things work. I love him dearly but with these trust issues I just don't know how we can make this work if I can't manage to believe a word that comes out of his mouth. At this point, saying sorry is simply not doing anything for me. I feel as if even his sorry s are lies simply because they are coming from him.

I'm just feeling so exhausted in every way possible. This man meant the world to me words can't describe it. He is the only man in my life that has ever made me feel special . He met me 3 months after he moved to California from his hometown in Oklahoma. I liked that I was the only girl he's ever been with here in California. In my mind he was it for me and California will always be that special place for us. Stupid huh? This little stupid comforting thought (which sadly enough was on my mind while looking at him at the altar) is long gone and where we fell in love in Hollywood (not to mention where I grew up) is tainted because she was there with him. Irrational and dumb .... I know but these are the things I care about and I can't help but care because it gave me a sense of home and finally sharing something special with someone that is only known between us.

I don't recognize this mad wounded crazy woman I'm becoming. I just wish I could turn my mind off, relax, and enjoy spending time with my kids. They sense the stress. I wish I could forgive him and forget all this but I guess only time and counseling sessions will tell.

Thanks for reading this everyone. I really needed this
 

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Sorry you are here.

It will be helpful for you to read the newbies link (which is the first thread in CWI).

Your feelings are completely understandable, as most of us here are Betrayed Spouses.

First thing you should do is to take care of yourself and the baby. Dont let the recent revelations (?) to affect you. I know it is hard. It is a hard journey from discovery to recovery or otherwise.

You have not said how long you have been married. How old are you?

Dont believe that it was ONS.

Is she married? Could you consider exposing the affair to her husband?

How are you financially? How supportive is your family? Are you emotionally attached to your H? Do you believe he will be your good husband for life?

You should not take decisions in this state. Allow some time for yourself to take right decisions.

Understand if your husband is truly remorseful. You know this.
Ask him to go no contact with the OW.
Tell him you will take time to decide.

We are here to offer shoulders.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Honestly I believe him when he tells me it was only one night. I talked to the girl today and she denies having done anything with him. Which I found especially annoying. No she is not married. She was one of those transient people who constantly move from one country to the other playing music. She used to be my husband's roommate before we officially started dating. I had a feeling she had her eyes on him the entire time. Which is why I asked him about her.

Financially we are barely making it but I just got a better job that pays well so things are going to start looking up for us soon. We've been married for 11 months together 2 years 3 months. I'm 25 years old

I'm extremely attached to my husband. He's my best friend. He does everything for me. He's an excellent father, he cooks, he cleans, he takes care of all of us even the cats and dogs we have. I can't imagine life without him that is why this whole situation is particularly scary to me. Because I really don't have any idea how the counseling sessions are going to go. I have hope because i have to stay positive for the sake of my children but in the back of my mind I worry "what if I can't be normal again?".

I know we haven't been together that long but in these two years my husband has managed to become the staple that holds our household together. I hardly remember what life was like without him because before him I was an alcoholic. He did so much for me I'm not even sure if I'd be here typing this today if it weren't for him. My family (which consists of my mother and sister) are supportive in that they will lend an ear when I need to talk but for some reason I don't really find anything they say particularly helpful. My mom is somewhat neutral but leaning more towards being sympathetic to him by saying that "Maybe you should treat him better and not make him do everything like a slave". That kind of pissed me off a bit but in reality I don't care the truth of the matter is that my new job is full time with an hour and a half commute coming home. I get home really tired and he works part time so he has more time to do things around the house than I do. Shes just being old fashioned. My sister I know is there to listen but we aren't too close so I don't really want to talk to her about this.

I truly do believe my husband would never do this to me again. That is unless one day he decides he doesn't want to be with me anymore which I find highly unlikely because we had a great relationship. Plus I told him he's lucky I'm even giving him a chance and not leaving him immediately because he knows my childhood history of my father cheating on my mother all the time and how I would never tolerate anything even remotely close to that much. 1 chance is all he is ever going to get from me because I'm not about to waste 15 years of my life heartbroken over him like my mother was with my father I don't care how great he's been. And this chance is just that a chance but no promise. I just don't know how to even begin to get over this
 

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I suggest that you spend some time to decide if you truly want to be married to this man or not. To do that, you may need to do some investigation into what he's doing now. You can't undo the past, but you can make good choices about what you do going forward.

Can you trust him now to not cheat again? Do you know for certain he's not seeing this girl or anyone else now?

To be sure, you need to do some covert investigation to find out. Are there unexplained absences? Is he secretive with his cell phone? Get his cell phone records and see who he's talking to. There are plenty of other ways to investigate. If you need help with that, let me know.

Last, but definitely not least - have you been tested for STDs? I know this happened a while ago, but sometimes you won't have symptoms. The way you describe this girl's lifestyle, it would be smart to know for sure that you're healthy.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
The girl left and is staying in south america now so im certain he hasnt seen her since that night.
As for other women i dont think so. He doesnt really have much time anymore with work and the baby.

As For investigating, im working on getting his cell phone records and have all his passwords. Pretty much every minute of his day is accounted for because we are in touch throughout the day. Thats this way which is why him cheating on me came as such a shock. I never thought he could or would because i knew where he was the majority of the time. Well now i know where he's at all the time the only thing i worry about is his work he works at a womens clothing store. Hes going to stop working there in two weeks i cant wAit!
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You say you had a pretty wild life back then. Can I ask if you where seeing anyone else yourself or anything like hooking up with others back when he did this, or while you were with him?

It sounds like you where living hard and wild back them, especially partying hard. Did he think you might be hooking up too?

I'm just wondering if what he did was part of the group/scene you guys where living in then, or if it was something way out of the ordinary?

If it was only a ONS, it could also be him finding out that she was really awful, it could also be that he found out his true feelings for you afterward - but had to keep it to himself so as not to loose you.
 

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I'm sorry to hear this!! I would get the book "The Power of Now" This really helped me with the mental movies and the visions in my head. The affair just about killed me and it's worst than death.

Hang in there, keep your head up and take care of YOU!
 
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