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Discussion Starter #1
Hi everyone,
Me and my husband had an arranged marriage. We both met each other and each others family with the purpose of marriage and married about 3 months later.

I had problems with my husband/fiance and both of us being in a long distance marriage did not help either. Later I just realized that we both may be had different expectations from the marriage. I wanted an caring and loving husband who would stand by me and share my dreams and support me with my career. He on the other hand cared nothing about me and my dreams, just wanted me to work so that I could bring in money and was not interested in having an emotional bond with me and was always very critical/judgmental of me. He treated me like a slave - I had to cook an clean for him, pay my own bills including splitting bills when we ate out and still expected me to share my salary with him. His family treated me badly and interfered in everything including our private life and my husband did nothing except for blame me about not sucking up enough. Me and my husband never spoke/discussed anything cos every word I uttered would snowball to a fight. I was going through stressful time at work and times I would also scream back at him.
I always felt neglected and worthless in the relationship although he blames I made him miserable. We had a big fight after I accidentally discovered all the nasty things he and his family had been speaking about me. Before we could resolve that fight I injured my leg and had to shift to my mothers as I was immobile. My husband visited me there but still did not show any concern towards me. He partied the day after I was injured, went on vacations, never showed up for any of my appointments with the doctors during this 3 month period. He was totally indifferent towards me and since our meetings were only during alternate weekends that he used to visit me, our relationship was wavering - sometimes good, sometimes bad. After one weekend where we had a confrontation about him breaking the promises he had made to me before our marriage and lying to me every single day ever since, he left never to return. He called me later that day and spoke nasty things about me and said he wanted a divorce and could not stand me anymore.
We stopped talking to each other but I kept in touch with his family as our marriage had largely been a family affair rather than just him and me. After about 3 months of silence between him and me, he left our house taking with him each and every of my belongings and has not given me his address ever since. He refuses to talk and is busy making false allegations against me and my family in front of outsiders and common friends. Today he sent me a notice from the court for a divorce citing fictitious reasons.

I am tired and drained and confused. I was working on how to try to make a fresh beginning and here I am stuck with false allegations. Now I am not even sure if this marriage is worth saving. All I have received in this relationship is pain for me and my dear ones, however I am very worried about my future.

I come from a very conservative society where there is too much stigma attached to a divorce especially for the girl. Divorcees do not have mush of a future here and are shunned and exploited. I am very worried about my future and cannot decide if I have to force and beg my husband for another chance or if I should just move on.

I am not very optimistic about future alone although i have a good job and placed pretty comfortable on the career and financial front. Money and career are no substitutes for a family and all I want is a loving family that I can be happy living with and die with. I see no hope in either the marriage given that my husband has treated me badly in the past but if I do let off this marriage, I do not see any hope for a future relationship and worry that I might spend the rest of my life in regret of letting this one go.

I was in the past this ambitious, cheerful, happy, intelligent, go-getter who had everything I could wish for. I had a lovely family, a good educations, conquered every goal I set and had a pretty good career. Now i feel my whole life is crumbling, i do not want my career and I do not care for it. I have no desires/goals and therefore achieved nothing in the recent past. The desire to even set a goal and work towards it is dead and my whole life seems meaningless. I am just wandering about every day from dusk to dawn unsure of what I want, let alone working on them.

I am so confused and feel this is really the end of meaningful world of mine. Please help. What should I do? What should I pray for? I have stopped praying because I just dont know whats right for me and what I want.


PS. Thankyou for your patience in reading through my agony. Good day :)
 

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you ask what to pray for.

I always pray that God's will is done.

If you believe, as I do, in a loving God, he will want what is best for you in the long term.

Ask God to make his will clear to you.

It may take time.

There is an old saying in my religion which is that God will not give you what you want , but what you need.

I wish you peace
 

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Besides praying for God's will.. (yes, that's good)

Also pray for direction... and Pray for acceptance. That you will Accept what the Lord has in store for you.

Pray for understanding. THat you will eventually understand what good will come out of your situation now.

Pray that the Lord instills the correct decision into your husbands heart. If the husband's decision is divorce, then honestly, its sounds like you will be better off.

Right now, your country may look down upon divorcees, but.. I have a feeling that strong career minded woman are probably in good demand right now there. Focus all your energy into being the best employee you can be. You will go far, and your success will have nothing to do with being married or not being married.

If he still wants divorce, then if people try to shun you.... Just tell them that you were being an obliging wife. It was your husbands decision. You were willing to work it out, but that he wasn't . They don't need to know the nasty details about how selfish of an ass your hubby is.
 

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The world is changing in your favor.
Already you have the mercy of a divorce, which is clearly better than staying married to him. His reputation will surely be solidified in due time, that is, his true colors will be evident to everyone as if he continues this way with the next marriage... Time is on your side and you seem to have a loving family to stay with. Never mind about your possessions. Let him give you your freedom. A man is not everything in life... and he's freeing you up to have your hopes and dreams back, instead of what you experienced. Things will be a bit rough in the short term, but hang in there and Keep the Faith.
 

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Sometimes people can act really cruel and don't realize it. I have also been cruel to my wife. But I have changed and got my acts together and just praying to the Lord for one more chance. The thing is that it is your husband who should change and beg you, not the other way round.
I wish you all the best. Have faith, pray, and stay positive. Let there be light.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
As I read through the notice, I see he has made many false and rather cheap allegations about me. I feel so broken that I will have to prove my character to the world and all for this person who has done nothing other than exploit me.
I do not know if I will ever be able to find the courage again and stand up for myself. I am in such a hopeless situation. My husband is so adamant that he is willing to go to any depths just to prove that he is right.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
I am feeling like such a big loser. I just received feedback for a project that I completed and was proud of. The feedback says I am "good" and not exceptional. I was pretty confident that I had done exceptional work on the project and am thoroughly disappointed. I do not know if i have anything left in me to do exceptional work. I am not even able to assess my work accurately.
I am nowhere in control of my life and dont know if I will ever have the strength to :(
 

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Are the allegations in the notice the kind that will severely hurt your reputation if they become public knowledge?
 

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Discussion Starter #9
No. I have always been very loyal and honest in this relationship. Any issues in the relationship were only disagreements and me raising my voice against some what was wrong with me in the marriage.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
The problem is i gave him so much of my time and life for him and he is being so silly and cheap. This fact hurts me to no end.
 

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Janiliya, you just have to know your own truth. Don't let him destroy your own memories or cheapen how you acted and felt, by him deciding to tell a different story. That saying, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me, is wrong. Of course someone trying to reconstruct your history in a way that never happened is troubling. You can write down your own story, and be proud of acting the way you did in your marriage, honorably, lovingly...don't give up how YOU experienced your past. Loving and caring for someone is never a waste of your time...it is character building and people who are of like mind, will recognize all that is true and real, just by making eye contact with you or looking at your face. I went though a similar 5-year period of my life, but I own every minute of it...ever meal I made with love, every time I cleaned the toilet lol, every time I gave him my body...every time I changed my plans to accommodate him... that's all mine. Sure, I got taken advantage of, but I know myself to be a giving, loving person. You can own that. You don't have to think it was any less than what it was, just because your H turned out to be on some kind of different team...
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Thankyou homemaker. It gives me so much hope that maybe I will also overcome this phase of life like you did.
I am going to counselling tomorrow to help me get over this pain. Hope it helps.
 

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Thank God in his invite wisdom and kindness for freeing you from this "marriage".
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Like I said, bide your time. The world is changing very fast. The stigma of a divorce may soon be a thing of the past, if it is not well on its way to becoming one already, in your immediate environment. And who says that you will only have to choose some marriage from among men available in your culture, or those who subscribe to its obvious limitations... if and when you marry again, it will be to someone who can think independently and to create a culture, not to follow it. To your advantage.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Hi Friends,

I have made remarkable progress since the last time I posted here and want to thank each one of you for all the support and encouragement that I received here.
I am a much more positive person now who believes in the power of future and is hopeful of a better tomorrow. I have finally been able to rise above the rut I was stuck in and am working on moving forward.
I am no longer the sad and bitter victim. I am fighter confident of winning my battles.
For anyone who might be wondering how this turnabout came - I regularly practiced some principles learned via books, counseling and the internet. I have jotted these down at
Black, White and Grey

Hope this inspires people to always remain hopeful.

Good Day!!! :smthumbup:
 
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