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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello all. As you can tell from all my previous posts, my husband I have had some issues. I DO talk to him and I am currently looking for agood therapist/counselor to help us solve some of our problems.

Call me insecure, but I constantly worry about his commitment to me. He hasn't really given me any reason so far to believe that I AM his one and only.... I also recently found out that he talks to his "first love" off and on... which I guess might be okay if it weren't for the fact that he acts like he still has feelings for her. Saying things like, if he ever hurts you, I'll be out for blood. And you're my ex liver and best friend and things like that....

It really really bothers me and I have expressed that. But he's just not getting it. I know it's easy for some to just say give it up and leave.... but this is my marriage.... I really DO want it to work. But I really feel like I'm carrying this relationship myself.....

He also doesn't seem to mesh with my family at all. He'll always be on his phone checking his Facebook or just distracting himself. And my family is really important to me....

I have told him all these things and I can't seem to be getting through. And he did say he had a real wake up call. But, I don't see or believe that. I'm mostly venting here, but also seeking advice. Feel free to post or message me. Please try not to be to negative.... I'm really looking for help.
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Fallen_Angel,

I scanned your previous posts. This sounds like some version of an attachment disorder. Do you know the circumstances of why he was adopted, his age at the time, etc.?

The end result is that he is deeply distrustful that either a) he is loveable and will, thus, be rejected and/or b) others will really commit to him. He lives in a hyper vigilant state. Always seeking in-the-moment reassurance that he is acceptable. Therefore, he can do little but focus on gaining the acceptance of the person directly in front of him. Therefore, he flirts even when he knows it is wrong and hurts you. Be boasts and lies to get the admiration of the person he's speaking with. He genuinely struggles to see the long-term.

Think of it like an addiction to reassurance. He constantly needs a quick "fix" even when he knows that that "fix" will destroy things in the long-term.

Therefore, he seeks only quick and superficial (and safe) intimacy like porn, online relationships and, possibly, one-night stands. Letting someone get close and see my imperfections is too dangerous because they will leave (and leave me hurting like my "real" parents did). Unfortunately, like the addict, the cure for his short term pain only undermines his ability to find a long-term solution (a committed relationship) and the result reinforces his belief that no one will commit. Therefore, it is a vicious circle.

Do you know what happened with his "first love" or anything about her? That may tell you something about how he does "connect".

These are all behaviors he learned as a child to survive. He doesn't really know how to do it differently and probably won't without help. He needs the repeated experience what it is like to be vulnerable with someone and have it turn out well. That's not easy to do. It certainly seems that you are devoted to him. Therefore, if you can get him to a therapist with understanding of attachment disorder, he might be capable of having that experience of being "real" with some one and still be loveable.

Good luck
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you for your response. He told me it was because his birth parents were both in medical school and couldn't keep him because of that reason. His dad, adoptive parent, told me it was because they were young. Teen pregnancy sort of situation. So, I believe what his father told me. He also said he had a brother from the same "medical school" parents. Which out found out later, but making a fool of myself believing it and talking to people about it as if it were true, was COMPLETELY false.... He said it he was around 6 months by the time the adoption was finalized... I have no idea if that's true or not simply because his adoptive father passed away this past September, and his mother passed away before I even met him.

He is 40. I'm his 4th wife. He claims ALL of his other wives "cheated" on him. I don't know if that's accurate or not. I've heard the first wife was a stripper and used drugs, and was kind of a s***. Second wife was nice, and made pretty good money. And she bought him nice things. I also heard that his daughter split them up. Which, I can believe, because she has done the same to us.... Third wife, I've heard she was NOT a nice person, and he claimed she cheated.

As far as the "love of his life goes", he claims her parents split them up some how.... Not really sure. I've only been with one other person besides my husband, so intimacy, sex or otherwise, between us, is VERY important and kind of sacred to me. I'm a 1000000% committed, loyal, and pathetically faithful. He puts down my ex any chance he gets. But, the funny thing is, I ONLY have 1... easy target? But if I say anything about his, he gets defensive.

He says things to some women that if I had been caught saying, we wouldn't be together. I feel like I'm way to forgiving... Even though I can't forgive right away. Things are VERY one sided, and VERY double-standard.....

I really feel sometimes I would probably be better off without him, which really makes me sad. When we decided to get married, it seemed right. I would NEVER just hop into a marriage if I doubted it... Not my style.

I have so much to give, and I'm not really getting anything in return... I can't do this by myself... I did do some research on adopted children, just because I always wondered if there could be any long term effects. And some thing did match up. And I'm not saying it's true for ALL children, because it most certainly is not.

Do you suggest giving him compliments all the time, or ego boosts...? Will that help you think...?

Thanks again.
 

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It's not about boosting his ego, it's about reducing his fear. He needs to really know deep inside that people (loved ones) can be trusted to stay with someone even in the face of imperfections, mistakes and hard times.

This is either going to take some good therapy or a very long time (maybe decades) of you and others making the right moves at the right time. If he's not willing to really work on it, you have decide if you want to subject yourself to this for the long haul.

Good luck
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
It's taken a pretty serious toll on me already... Not sure I can still throw decades of being taken advantage of... which I know is ultimately my decision, but it's not easy.... Thank you for your advice. I want the longevity in my marriage.
 

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fallen_angel,

Do you feel like there is an element of him wanting to test your willingness to not leave him? Is it possible that either consciously, or subconsciously he expects you to leave him and he is testing you on it?

Could he be trying to make things hard on the relationship in the way that he treats you because he expects it to go that way anyway due to his insecurity?

These are just some questions that you may be able to answer and reassure him based on what you think to be going on in his head. True. It is hard to get inside anyone's head. So, do you think you could ask him about these possibilities?

He may not even know for sure if he is doing this subconsciously or not. Perhaps the therapy will discover why he does what he does.
 

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This is not a big problem at all. But the main thing is you and your husband both don't have good understanding between each other. This makes both of them separate from one other. If one is unable to give him love then he will run towards other person to find that. So better to get him and always try to make him happy.




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Why don't you stop analyzing your husband and just get on with life, if he doesn't want to be part of that then there is nothing you can do about it.
STOP GETTING YOURSELF IN A STRESSED UP MESS. it isn't doing you any good at all.
I've said this many times before but YOU CANNOT CHANGE ANOTHER PERSON ONLY YOURSELF, THINK ON THAT.
 
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