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Discussion Starter · #21 ·
@Lostwife2021 ...I'm not OCD and reading your list bothers me, too!

The un-flushed toilet and boogers in particular.
Was he like this from the start? And if not, can you think of what circumstances started to change that led him to behave this way?
This is my 2nd marriage right so in the beginning I really talked to him and told him listen this is what I am looking for in the relationship and mentioned all of these things and he just said yes yes me too... he just said you will see I am all of those things... We have even decided with joint bank account he gave me all of his money to save and handle but then he started auditing everything he literally wanted me to buy $100 worth of food good for 1 month looooool! So I decided fine keep your money and that鈥檚 when it started...
 

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This is my 2nd marriage right so in the beginning I really talked to him and told him listen this is what I am looking for in the relationship and mentioned all of these things and he just said yes yes me too... he just said you will see I am all of those things... We have even decided with joint bank account he gave me all of his money to save and handle but then he started auditing everything he literally wanted me to buy $100 worth of food good for 1 month looooool! So I decided fine keep your money and that鈥檚 when it started...
Hmm others might be able to jump in with some more helpful suggestions.

My take is that it sounds like he 'allocates' 'control / responsibility' to you... to then in turn basically micro-manage or criticize you. There's some weird power imbalance thing going on that is way above my pay-grade. I do wish you the best. Here's hoping you get some helpful TAM thoughts come your way.
 
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Discussion Starter · #23 ·
Yeah, I couldn't live like this.

Any redeeming qualities at all? You mentioned a need to stay due to finances. Could you make changes so that's not an issue? Obviously I don't know what circumstance you're in... I do know that taking care of your own mental health is important though, if you can work out an alternative.
Yes I have thought of that.... yes with the pandemic... and the money that I have lost from my last divorce the moving it totally exhausted my savings... I am trying to save again... but with my salary it would be next to impossible to cover rent, bills and car payment..... so I have no choice but to live with this.... I am on my own no family too.... I honestly want my marriage to work.... I am trying... 馃槶
 

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Discussion Starter · #25 ·
Hmm others might be able to jump in with some more helpful suggestions.

My take is that it sounds like he 'allocates' 'control / responsibility' to you... to then in turn basically micro-manage or criticize you. There's some weird power imbalance thing going on that is way above my pay-grade. I do wish you the best. Here's hoping you get some helpful TAM thoughts come your way.

you have been very very helpful thank you so much 馃檹馃徎
 

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you have been very very helpful thank you so much 馃檹馃徎
Oh I don't know about that... but if it helped you write things out, I'll take it nonetheless.

I'll pop back in another time. Take care of yourself.
 
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Hi everyone!

I鈥檓 new here... and I badly need help... I love my husband.. but he is just so cheap. I understand that he is trying to save money because he wants to start his own business... but I am just fed up... and really tired of it... First of all we both work and we pay 50/50 for everything at home. He is responsible when it comes to paying his half of the expenses like rent, utilities, but when it comes to food he doesn鈥檛 care at all. He earns more than me and he has no expenses whatsoever. He has his prepaid phone but that鈥檚 about it. Me on the other hand have to pay half of the rent, utilities and my car payment. For the past few months he has been using my car for work and I don鈥檛 even ask for him to share as I know that it will just end up in a fight. I end up buying groceries and ordering for food for the two of us or else we will die in hunger... he just doesn鈥檛 simply care. I talked to him to him so many times about it and at first we agreed on buying groceries separately and cooking our own food, but that didn鈥檛 work... I just end up cooking for the two of us... as he complains he鈥檚 hungry. I literally have to beg for him to do groceries and he would always say that he will buy food next week... but he never does. He would do groceries once in a blue moon and when he does he would buy just what he needs. I always ask him if he ate and always worry about him, but he never asked me once. I am just so fed up.... I am considering buying my own food.. but I know he will just end up asking me to cook and the same thing will happen. I swear I no longer want to tolerate this behaviour... I am really really fed up. I barely have extra money and it all goes to food and he saves all his money for himself. I seriously need help? What do I do? I am willing to try anything please.

P.S.

He is also so dirty at home and wont clean up after himself. I begged him so many times as. Am tired cleaning after him... whenever I talk to him about it he would just tell me that he is tired and he will change but he never does...

Please please please help me... I am at my limit.. I am feeling it... I will explode very soon... I just want a solution please help.
You do not sound like a married couple at all. You sound like room mates. How is the rest of your relationship?

Talking has not achieved any action so I would suggest you buy your own groceries, do not cook for him. Hand him lots of take away menus if he says he is hungry. If he gets angry tell him exactly what you told us. See how long it will be before he comes to the table to discuss.

Talking and talking never changes a person. What incentive have you given him to change, you nag but still cook for him, still use your own money and still clean up after him.

Plan of action,

1. no cooking for him
2. give him take out menus
3. if he complains tell him 'tough titty' you have reached the end of your rope and if he wants food etc. then you have to sit down and come to an arrangement
a. he gives you money every month towards the food bill
b; he agrees to cook a few nights a week or if he cannot cook, he orders take out at his expense
c. if he is not agreeable I would suggest you visit your mothers, friends etc. for a month for your dinner
 

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From personal experience, my husband has (on occasion) left shaving stubble in and around the basin. That's not something I'm keen to have as a constant. He might have left it as he's focused on leaving the house. He's not lazy. I go in afterwards, notice it, and leave it. I don't clean it up. If it's still there later, I'll ask / express (just once and short and sweet) for him to clean the stubble from the basin. Sure enough, within a short time he's done it. Just thought I'd share a snippet of a different way. There's small scenarios like that with role reveral, too. Granted, few and far between with both of us. Like I said, we have lived together a long time and share responsibilities. I agree with the above though, that you cannot change him. In the mean-time, you can change how you respond to him - my vote is that you leave the cleaning that you feel he ought to be taking care of. Are there shared tasks between you?
LOL that is why I have two sinks and currently I use the spare bathroom as fed up of his manly deposits
 

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This is my 2nd marriage right so in the beginning I really talked to him and told him listen this is what I am looking for in the relationship and mentioned all of these things and he just said yes yes me too... he just said you will see I am all of those things... We have even decided with joint bank account he gave me all of his money to save and handle but then he started auditing everything he literally wanted me to buy $100 worth of food good for 1 month looooool! So I decided fine keep your money and that鈥檚 when it started...
Sounds more like an issue with controlling expenses. I would suggest that he buys and cooks his own and you do the same. Then he will see how little can actually be bought for $100.
 

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You two are not functioning like a unit. If you want a divorce just get one. Stop dragging this out.

If you want to stay with him you two have a lot of talking to do. You probably need a marriage counselor. You could also benefit from a financial counselor. You need to make a household budget. He will need a written business plan for this business he wants to start so you better have some idea of how much he expects you to finance that. When starting a business it's a good idea to have either 1 year's worth of living expenses in the bank or a spouse who can support the household alone. You need to talk about a realistic food budget. Before you have that chat I suggest you feed him for 1 month on that unrealistic $100 per month food budget he thinks would work while you eat other meals out without telling him. (even if you make food for yourself & keep it at work)

Money ruins more relationships then infidelity.

Finally, I doubt it but is there any room in that budget for a house keeper? I got married later in life around the time social media was going mainstream. I made a profile & reconnected with old friends. I ask a guy I knew in HS what his secrete for a happy marriage is. He joked that it was not having money problems & hiring a housekeeper.
 

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As a couple , and as your decision you don't have financial intimacy. To me that is a huge problem. How have you achieved emotional intimacy and physical intimacy when you can't handle financial intimacy? Maybe it is a hang over from the previous divorce.
What you do have is a laundry list of gripes. It is a list that you treasure, and display to strangers. Some couples (my sister in law for example) that is the only thing they share, a list of complaints. It doesn't look fun to me, but hey! I'm weird. I'll keep my relationship the way I like it and you can keep yours how you prefer it.
Meanwhile, I need to go finish folding my wife's laundry. She took a week off of work, and now that she is out of the way I can clean up after her.
As far as practical advice for you. Meal planning cut our grocery bill by 35%. It's kind of an extra chore, but it is doing ok for us.
 

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You have control over your life. Nothings else. Start using it.

Married 3 years? Invest more time in this for what? Most do not change. You want more of what you鈥檝e gotten? Then stay.
 

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Sorry about what you're going through. An effective motivator for me is when my wife gets either angry or down and then all "romance" ends. She genuinely isn't interested in me when we aren't emotionally in sync. After a few days I'm usually at my wits end to figure out what's the matter and I'll start asking her to dinner, engaging her in conversation, just basically doing everything I can to get us back in sync!

The thing is my wife isn't really consciously "cutting me off"- it's just more who she is as a person and she doesn't feel romantic at all when some important need of hers isn't met. Usually, I'll be so frustrated and missing her so badly I'll be ready to change everything in life to get us back in sync together. Sounds silly, but this seems to work for us. I've been pretty clueless about things she needed over the years... but when honey isn't giving me any lovin' I get pretty worked up to solve whatever problem is between us.

Sorry- you may already be doing this and perhaps he's too aloof to care... I hope not.
 

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I grew up with a cheap father. He's over 70 and he's still the same! He has never changed! :(

Your husband won't change so you have to decide if you can live with him and his ways forever.

I moved a continent away from my parents because I couldn't take it anymore!! Living with my dad was exhausting to me, and he is not that bad around the house!

You have options. You can live on your own and be ok.
 

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Discussion Starter · #36 ·
You two are not functioning like a unit. If you want a divorce just get one. Stop dragging this out.

If you want to stay with him you two have a lot of talking to do. You probably need a marriage counselor. You could also benefit from a financial counselor. You need to make a household budget. He will need a written business plan for this business he wants to start so you better have some idea of how much he expects you to finance that. When starting a business it's a good idea to have either 1 year's worth of living expenses in the bank or a spouse who can support the household alone. You need to talk about a realistic food budget. Before you have that chat I suggest you feed him for 1 month on that unrealistic $100 per month food budget he thinks would work while you eat other meals out without telling him. (even if you make food for yourself & keep it at work)

Money ruins more relationships then infidelity.

Finally, I doubt it but is there any room in that budget for a house keeper? I got married later in life around the time social media was going mainstream. I made a profile & reconnected with old friends. I ask a guy I knew in HS what his secrete for a happy marriage is. He joked that it was not having money problems & hiring a housekeeper.
Thank you so much I will keep this all in mind and will make a plan. Thank you and to others too who took the time to give some advice, you guys are amazing! From the bottom of my heart thank you 馃挒
 

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You seem to have too many problems with this person and they need to either be solved or go away. Don't think it's up to you. If the person doesn't want to change, you won't do anything. Take care of yourself.
 

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We have been married for 3 years.

It鈥檚 a divided dynamic indeed. It鈥檚 not about him being lazy anymore...he鈥檚 down right disrespectful.

- he rarely wash the dishes maybe one every couple of months.

- he leaves all his clothes all over the apartment does not bother hanging it...

- papers, cigarette buds and ashes on the table..

- wrappers, plastics everywhere...

- towels never hanged

- spit on the sink doesn鈥檛 butter cleaning it up

- pee un flushed...

- his hair everywhere

- boogers on towel.. Yes! And money more!

I have OCD so just imagine... it鈥檚 really a nightmare for me.... plus him being greedy and cheap....
OMGoodness.. I would hate that too!! Was he like this before marriage? I think men can become lazy after marriage, thinking that the wife will do it. Right now my hubby of 21 yrs is NOT helping in the kitchen-- I have a lot going on too so I have him order out more. Is there any way that you can stay with family or friends? Perhaps, he would enjoy living in an messy apartment with no food by himself..
 
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