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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Hi everyone!

I鈥檓 new here... and I badly need help... I love my husband.. but he is just so cheap. I understand that he is trying to save money because he wants to start his own business... but I am just fed up... and really tired of it... First of all we both work and we pay 50/50 for everything at home. He is responsible when it comes to paying his half of the expenses like rent, utilities, but when it comes to food he doesn鈥檛 care at all. He earns more than me and he has no expenses whatsoever. He has his prepaid phone but that鈥檚 about it. Me on the other hand have to pay half of the rent, utilities and my car payment. For the past few months he has been using my car for work and I don鈥檛 even ask for him to share as I know that it will just end up in a fight. I end up buying groceries and ordering for food for the two of us or else we will die in hunger... he just doesn鈥檛 simply care. I talked to him to him so many times about it and at first we agreed on buying groceries separately and cooking our own food, but that didn鈥檛 work... I just end up cooking for the two of us... as he complains he鈥檚 hungry. I literally have to beg for him to do groceries and he would always say that he will buy food next week... but he never does. He would do groceries once in a blue moon and when he does he would buy just what he needs. I always ask him if he ate and always worry about him, but he never asked me once. I am just so fed up.... I am considering buying my own food.. but I know he will just end up asking me to cook and the same thing will happen. I swear I no longer want to tolerate this behaviour... I am really really fed up. I barely have extra money and it all goes to food and he saves all his money for himself. I seriously need help? What do I do? I am willing to try anything please.

P.S.

He is also so dirty at home and wont clean up after himself. I begged him so many times as. Am tired cleaning after him... whenever I talk to him about it he would just tell me that he is tired and he will change but he never does...

Please please please help me... I am at my limit.. I am feeling it... I will explode very soon... I just want a solution please help.
 

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This is one of the reasons I am going to remain single. My ex husband drove me insane. No more cleaning his sh*t up and being abused. Only thing I could advise is talking about it (again)and if he's not willing to change, ask yourself if you want to grow old with this man? Don't waste years like me and many others wasting your life being unhappy. This is probably who he is and how he is. We can't change our partners/husbands/wife's but can change our futures.

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You are absolutely right.... We can change the future... thank you
You're welcome. I genuinely believe if I didn't leave my ex husband a year ago I'd be in a mental hospital now. I left during a breakdown and still recovering now. If everything else is good with you two try sitting together and work out a plan. Write it all down and go through everything together. We only have one life. Hope you both can work things out

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I can鈥檛 relate - to the experience or keeping separate money and divisions - so keep that in mind when I offer this.

Have you ever said to him, 鈥榯his isn鈥檛 working for me (groceries). How can we do this differently?鈥

Also for easy math, lets say your groceries are $100 pw. Why not just contribute $50 pw each to food. And just split it down the middle - regardless of who gets what?

That might just be a band-aid though that鈥檚 only relative to this specific issue (groceries). It doesn鈥檛 address why you keep doing for and after him when it doesn鈥檛 seem to be a mutual partnership. Or why he lacks the consideration yet is willing to complain about being hungry and while not being reliable (not doing what he says he鈥檚 going to do).
 

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P.S.

He is also so dirty at home and wont clean up after himself. I begged him so many times as. Am tired cleaning after him... whenever I talk to him about it he would just tell me that he is tired and he will change but he never does...

Please please please help me... I am at my limit.. I am feeling it... I will explode very soon... I just want a solution please help.
Talking and begging isn鈥檛 changing anything - and you鈥檙e tired of cleaning up after him.

Just stop with all of it. Don鈥檛 clean up after him. Don鈥檛 mention it period. Treat him adult to adult. He has stated before that he鈥檚 tired and WILL CHANGE. He is not following through and likely has no reason to either if you continue cleaning up after him regardless, and given he鈥檚 not internally motivated to do so of his own accord. So leave him to it. You may need to turn a blind-eye to stuff you鈥檇 normally clean up but at some point, he hopefully notices and takes action. If he complains - tell him you鈥檙e not cleaning up after him anymore. Also I鈥檓 nosey here - what kind of cleaning up are you referring to?

It really sounds like a divided dynamic though - rather than a team of sharing and contributing together and with what you could both bring to the table, so to speak. Which kinda speaks to a broader theme of your dynamic than he leaves his dirty socks in the living room or something; yes, my husband does this sometimes鈥an be there a couple of days before he picks them up lol 鈥 typed lol to denote tone as it doesn鈥檛 bother me. If I鈥檓 doing laundry, I may grab them or ask him to get them if he wants them laundered; although usually he's picked them up by then. I have my quirks too. Living together a long time though, we have our routine and sharing of tasks. If something bugs one of us, we typically state it and the other actions on it. And then, it鈥檚 all perspective 鈥ocks in the living room doesn鈥檛 bug me. Maybe it would bug someone who was deeply annoyed with their spouse though. Also, it鈥檚 cute when the dog gets excited about going out and grabs a sock to run around with to express his delight and turns into a game of catch the sock.

How long have you been married?
 
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From personal experience, my husband has (on occasion) left shaving stubble in and around the basin. That's not something I'm keen to have as a constant. He might have left it as he's focused on leaving the house. He's not lazy. I go in afterwards, notice it, and leave it. I don't clean it up. If it's still there later, I'll ask / express (just once and short and sweet) for him to clean the stubble from the basin. Sure enough, within a short time he's done it. Just thought I'd share a snippet of a different way. There's small scenarios like that with role reveral, too. Granted, few and far between with both of us. Like I said, we have lived together a long time and share responsibilities. I agree with the above though, that you cannot change him. In the mean-time, you can change how you respond to him - my vote is that you leave the cleaning that you feel he ought to be taking care of. Are there shared tasks between you?
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
You're welcome. I genuinely believe if I didn't leave my ex husband a year ago I'd be in a mental hospital now. I left during a breakdown and still recovering now. If everything else is good with you two try sitting together and work out a plan. Write it all down and go through everything together. We only have one life. Hope you both can work things out

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I know how you feel and what you鈥檙e going through... But everything will be better I promise you. 馃挒 This is my 2nd marriage... I was married for 10 years then my ex husband cheated on me.. I stayed for a year fighting for my marriage until I finally gave up... And filed for divorce... the only mistake that I did was... I got married again right away... and now this... I honestly feel that if this doesn鈥檛 work I don鈥檛 want to get married again... but you will be fine I promise. You will come out of this much stronger, much smarter and better & please wait before you get into a serious relationship again... everyone told me to wait and take time but I didn鈥檛 listen... when I finally realized that I wanted more time for myself it already too late... as much as I want to break free from all of this... it鈥檚 not possible due to my financial situation. Please take your time...
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I can鈥檛 relate - to the experience or keeping separate money and divisions - so keep that in mind when I offer this.

Have you ever said to him, 鈥榯his isn鈥檛 working for me (groceries). How can we do this differently?鈥

Also for easy math, lets say your groceries are $100 pw. Why not just contribute $50 pw each to food. And just split it down the middle - regardless of who gets what?

That might just be a band-aid though that鈥檚 only relative to this specific issue (groceries). It doesn鈥檛 address why you keep doing for and after him when it doesn鈥檛 seem to be a mutual partnership. Or why he lacks the consideration yet is willing to complain about being hungry and while not being reliable (not doing what he says he鈥檚 going to do).
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Much appreciated. 馃檹馃徎

Yes I have tried talking to him about it... at first we鈥檝e decided to do groceries every 2 weeks 50/50 but it was so hard to get money out of him... we argued all the time... he said that I wasted food and that having ketchup, mayo a bag of lentils is a lot... and that I should manager our food lol and since we argued a lot we have decided that we will each buy our own food and cook for separately.. the first week it worked... then he stopped buying his food and would always bug me to cook for him... believe me I tried hard to ignore him! I didn鈥檛 cook for him and only focused on myself the he started saying 鈥渉ow can a wife let her husband go to work or come home from work with an empty stomach blah blah blah鈥 And he wouldn鈥檛 stop... so I just cooked to shut him up. Then I talked to him again about buying food together then he said yes yes i鈥檒l do groceries next week but he wouldn鈥檛... i鈥檓 so tired arguing with him... I tried to talk to him in a civilized manner, yelled nothing worked! Lately he wasn鈥檛 asking anymore but he would just buy eggs and bread and eat that... I just don鈥檛 think it鈥檚 normal... and yes I am considering divorce again... (please read my reply to another person I was married before)
 

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Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Much appreciated. 馃檹馃徎

Yes I have tried talking to him about it... at first we鈥檝e decided to do groceries every 2 weeks 50/50 but it was so hard to get money out of him... we argued all the time... he said that I wasted food and that having ketchup, mayo a bag of lentils is a lot... and that I should manager our food lol and since we argued a lot we have decided that we will each buy our own food and cook for separately.. the first week it worked... then he stopped buying his food and would always bug me to cook for him... believe me I tried hard to ignore him! I didn鈥檛 cook for him and only focused on myself the he started saying 鈥渉ow can a wife let her husband go to work or come home from work with an empty stomach blah blah blah鈥 And he wouldn鈥檛 stop... so I just cooked to shut him up. Then I talked to him again about buying food together then he said yes yes i鈥檒l do groceries next week but he wouldn鈥檛... i鈥檓 so tired arguing with him... I tried to talk to him in a civilized manner, yelled nothing worked! Lately he wasn鈥檛 asking anymore but he would just buy eggs and bread and eat that... I just don鈥檛 think it鈥檚 normal... and yes I am considering divorce again... (please read my reply to another person I was married before)
I did read your other response.

I don't know lovely, just this one situation sounds exhausting to me.

All I could suggest if you want to navigate the situation differently is to try again with a shared plan OR each do your own thing (which I really personally have trouble understanding as a marriage), and stick with it. If he hasn't contributed as agreed, that's on him. Might he keep on at you because you continue to engage in that moment? I don't think it's typical either. By the way, if you were the one to 'manage' the food - then that means he pays what is needed (if that's how you continue to operate) and the decisions are for you to make. If he doesn't like the way you do it, too bad. He'll need to come up with another solution.

I am kind of assuming other aspects of your marriage aren't great?
 
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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Talking and begging isn鈥檛 changing anything - and you鈥檙e tired of cleaning up after him.

Just stop with all of it. Don鈥檛 clean up after him. Don鈥檛 mention it period. Treat him adult to adult. He has stated before that he鈥檚 tired and WILL CHANGE. He is not following through and likely has no reason to either if you continue cleaning up after him regardless, and given he鈥檚 not internally motivated to do so of his own accord. So leave him to it. You may need to turn a blind-eye to stuff you鈥檇 normally clean up but at some point, he hopefully notices and takes action. If he complains - tell him you鈥檙e not cleaning up after him anymore. Also I鈥檓 nosey here - what kind of cleaning up are you referring to?

It really sounds like a divided dynamic though - rather than a team of sharing and contributing together and with what you could both bring to the table, so to speak. Which kinda speaks to a broader theme of your dynamic than he leaves his dirty socks in the living room or something; yes, my husband does this sometimes鈥an be there a couple of days before he picks them up lol 鈥 typed lol to denote tone as it doesn鈥檛 bother me. If I鈥檓 doing laundry, I may grab them or ask him to get them if he wants them laundered; although usually he's picked them up by then. I have my quirks too. Living together a long time though, we have our routine and sharing of tasks. If something bugs one of us, we typically state it and the other actions on it. And then, it鈥檚 all perspective 鈥ocks in the living room doesn鈥檛 bug me. Maybe it would bug someone who was deeply annoyed with their spouse though. Also, it鈥檚 cute when the dog gets excited about going out and grabs a sock to run around with to express his delight and turns into a game of catch the sock.

How long have you been married?
We have been married for 3 years.

It鈥檚 a divided dynamic indeed. It鈥檚 not about him being lazy anymore...he鈥檚 down right disrespectful.

- he rarely wash the dishes maybe one every couple of months.

- he leaves all his clothes all over the apartment does not bother hanging it...

- papers, cigarette buds and ashes on the table..

- wrappers, plastics everywhere...

- towels never hanged

- spit on the sink doesn鈥檛 butter cleaning it up

- pee un flushed...

- his hair everywhere

- boogers on towel.. Yes! And money more!

I have OCD so just imagine... it鈥檚 really a nightmare for me.... plus him being greedy and cheap....
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
We have been married for 3 years.

It鈥檚 a divided dynamic indeed. It鈥檚 not about him being lazy anymore...he鈥檚 down right disrespectful.

- he rarely wash the dishes maybe one every couple of months.

- he leaves all his clothes all over the apartment does not bother hanging it...

- papers, cigarette buds and ashes on the table..

- wrappers, plastics everywhere...

- towels never hanged

- spit on the sink doesn鈥檛 butter cleaning it up

- pee un flushed...

- his hair everywhere

- boogers on towel.. Yes! And money more!

I have OCD so just imagine... it鈥檚 really a nightmare for me.... plus him being greedy and cheap....
Sorry about the typo! 馃槞
 

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鈥渉ow can a wife let her husband go to work or come home from work with an empty stomach blah blah blah鈥
Knee-jerk reaction: 'Quite easily, it appears.'

Potentially 'healthier' reaction: 'If you want to revisit how the groceries and dinners are going to work between us, we can do that. Currently what is happening isn't working for me.' or something like that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
You cannot change him. He can only change himself and he won't change himself unless he is motivated to do so. So you can either live with it or get out. That choice is yours.
Yes you are absolutely right... I know it鈥檚 my fault because I tolerate him.... Thank you...
 

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Was he like this from the start? And if not, can you think of what circumstances started to change that led him to behave this way?
 
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.... plus him being greedy and cheap....
Yeah, I couldn't live like this.

Any redeeming qualities at all? You mentioned a need to stay due to finances. Could you make changes so that's not an issue? Obviously I don't know what circumstance you're in... I do know that taking care of your own mental health is important though, if you can work out an alternative.
 
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