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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
My husband and I have been married for 3 & 1/2 years. We have 2 babies and both work full-time. My husband got a job that he doesn't enjoy about a year ago. He is doing is to learn and expand his skills and experience but he doesn't enjoy being there everyday. This past year we had our second child as well. Our financial situation has gotten bad in the past 6 months because we spent a lot of our loan and credit card money to build our house and it has recently started to catch up with us (we are planning to sell our house and we will make a lot of money even after paying off our debt so that is good).
My husband rather talk to 2 of his mentors (great men who cared about both of us before we were even together) than me -- about his work. He NEVER wants to talk about work with me. Now, it has expanded to him not wanting to talk to me at all. We talked a few days ago, finally, and he walked away from me to end the discussion (this happens often). He said he doesn't like to talk to me because I disagree with him so much. I don't know what to do. I see him acting in a way that he didn't before...specifically, a little more immature and also sensitive. I think he is depressed. He had one month where he was happy because he was going to leave this job but he ended up changing his mind and staying. If I disagree with him, what should I say? I don't yell or anything.
I feel so alone and I know he does too. He was never much of a communicator but we were good until about a year ago. I asked him why he talks to other people and not me, and he finally said because things are so bad between us. He speaks to me is a mean way sometimes and I just don't know what to say when he does. I am always shocked when he does it. Things got bad so fast...
 

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sounds like he is blaming you for his unhappiness which is not fair. the life change that comes from having children can be very stressful, added with the pressure of debt and keeping a marriage working does not help. do you work at all? if not, maybe he is resenting you for not contributing to the household...just a thought.
 

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My husband and I have been married for 3 & 1/2 years. We have 2 babies and both work full-time. My husband got a job that he doesn't enjoy about a year ago. He is doing is to learn and expand his skills and experience but he doesn't enjoy being there everyday. This past year we had our second child as well. Our financial situation has gotten bad in the past 6 months because we spent a lot of our loan and credit card money to build our house and it has recently started to catch up with us (we are planning to sell our house and we will make a lot of money even after paying off our debt so that is good).
My husband rather talk to 2 of his mentors (great men who cared about both of us before we were even together) than me -- about his work. He NEVER wants to talk about work with me. Now, it has expanded to him not wanting to talk to me at all. We talked a few days ago, finally, and he walked away from me to end the discussion (this happens often). He said he doesn't like to talk to me because I disagree with him so much. I don't know what to do. I see him acting in a way that he didn't before...specifically, a little more immature and also sensitive. I think he is depressed. He had one month where he was happy because he was going to leave this job but he ended up changing his mind and staying. If I disagree with him, what should I say? I don't yell or anything.
I feel so alone and I know he does too. He was never much of a communicator but we were good until about a year ago. I asked him why he talks to other people and not me, and he finally said because things are so bad between us. He speaks to me is a mean way sometimes and I just don't know what to say when he does. I am always shocked when he does it. Things got bad so fast...
Having had periods of time like this... I can only relate how ** I ** felt and why... I have no idea if this relates to him, but the actions were somewhat similar.

We got in severe financial trouble due to me getting laid off, then the wife losing her job, and my in-laws defaulting on their loan, which we had co-signed.

In the end, we lost everything, and the in-laws did too.

And then my remaining parent died. On the day of our bankruptcy hearing.

For some time, I got overwhelmed. My wife needed me to be some strength for her, and I didn't have any left. I did a lot of not talking, not being there, because I didn't think I could. I just hurt too bad. The only people i could really talk to where those who did not "need" me. I could not deal with her, the kids, our financial crisis, or much of anything else. And it ended in depression for me for a while, and a whole lot of burnout.

You want him to talk to you, but may be he's tired, feels overwhelmed and guilty that he's not holding up his end, and talking to you is just one more emotional burden he doesn't think he has any strength to bear.

Or it could be other things entirely. You sound like you're both young, and not having that much experience at having your world and any security you had explode and vanish.

Instead of trying to make him fill your needs, and leveraging him emotionally, perhaps he needs some strength to borrow. Or to to feel it's ok to get overwhelmed and over stressed. And when you talk to him, it's an intense, charged emotional thing. You're full of pent-up emotion and so is he, and he's supposed to make it all work. He needs some permission, or at least know it's ok, to have all this pressure and conflict and when you two disagree over stuff, he's probably just getting what little energy he's got left sapped, because he's not up to trying to deal with all the stress AND try to resolve what sounds like temporarily unresolvable issues.

That's my take. It may be right or wrong, or even irrelevant. But it's how I would have been at that point in my life.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I think that is what's happening. It all seems to match up . And I have been picking up the slack, naturally. Like, the little things that he would do at home, he doesnt do them anymore...so after a month or 2 of asking him to and him not doing it, he finally said then you do it then..so I did and still do. The things that I don't know how to do are still not done. He is the kind of guy who likes to always be doing something and now, he resorts to sitting on another floor on the laptop to avoid sitting with me (he admitted that a few days ago). I am on mat leave and I make a little bit less than my husband - but I will go back to work in a month. In terms of our financial situation, it will be a non-issue within the next 6 months...the houses around here are in high demand and we have a beautiful home so that will be fixed..plus I will go back to work soon. The issue is that he doesn't like where his career is now, even though he getting more money with this one than his previous jobs. I just don't know what to say when I disagree with him, he gets so upset. It has made him into a person who gets angry quickly. He always walks away and refuses to listen when I am talking, even if I am talking about something 'light' (i.e. TV show or weather or something else that you would talk anout with a stranger on a bus)...
 

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He may be depressed about his job. Sometimes depressed men exhibit more anger than when they are not depressed. Suggest he see a doctor although he may deny that something is wrong.

Having a job you despise, getting a home ready for sale & two small children combine for alot of stress. If he's not depressed, he may be extremely stressed out & unable to handle stress as well as you do.

Be kind, caring & show empathy towards him right now. No fighting, nagging & "fixing - just be supportive & maybe he will feel he can talk to you again.
 

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I think he told you exactly what it is: "He said he doesn't like to talk to me because I disagree with him so much."

Stop being disagreeable when he talks to you and show him support instead. Believe in him. His mentors do, and he thinks you don't, so he turns to them.

I don't think this is about depression because he is continuing to reach out. Just not to you.

I know that when you disagree with him, you are likely to believe that you're simply being honest, that you're wanting the best for both of you, and that you believe you're being helpful and loving. Unfortunately, that's not what he hears. You probably have very good reasons to disagree, but if you want your marriage to stay strong, you'll have to find a way to voice your concerns without introducing negativity or criticism.

You'll get further if you show him that you believe in him and care about his viewpoint. You can hold your opinions temporarily and bring them up in a non-confrontational, non-accusatory way later.
 

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Maybe you ought to change your thread title to
"I pushed my husband away without realizing it" :confused:
 

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Guy is on the low. Financial situations hit men hard. Whenever you show criticism in this situation it is like he is a failure. He can even be trying to sever emotional bonds because he thinks you are unhappy with him and are about to dump him.

There is little that puts more of a dent in a guy's ego than to be unable to handle the family finances in less than a stellar fashion.
 

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Whenever a communication pattern changes, it is important to not blame, or panic, but rather to try to figure out what has changed.
Try to talk more generally about what he wants from you, as well as what you need from him. If he is shutting down more, perhaps he is perceiving something in your responses to him that is negative. Ask him more about this, but in a very non defensive way. Work at simply trying to get the conversation moving.
Trying couple therapy might also help.
David Olsen, PhD, LMFT, (The Couple's Survival Workbook)
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
So he is NOT talking to his mentors like I thought...you see, sometimes I have to try to figure out what's going on from what he says or how he's acting and I sometimes get it wrong....
He finally said last night that he doesn't talk to them about his work unless they ask, just in order not to be rude, and it's as short of a convo as he can make it... He said that he doesn't want to talk about it to anyone because it's painful. He hates it every time he has to get up for work and every minute that he is there... This is the first time he talked in this much detail about this job. He is working on a project and wants it to finish up and then he says that he will probably leave then
Last night, we were watching TV and he got up and left the room... I thought he had went to the washroom but he never came back..he just went to bed and never said anything... we weren't even talking for him to be mad as something...
 

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He sounds depressed and need support. He hasn't got the inner peace to get him through this tough spell work is putting him through. As much as you can be there for him. When things are out of hand, you may need to seek the assistance of a doctor. All the best with that.
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