[blueberrydream]

Dear Viewers,

I really appreciate you for taking your time to view my post and I will also like to say "thank you" in advanced if you decide to give me your advice.

Like every marriage, our marriage has ups and downs, and my husband says overall, I made him happy. Please note that my husband has a shorter than normal temper and sort of a low self esteem. He complains about his IQ test result and his height everyday in our marriage, and I did constantly try to listen with a caring attitude.

However, two months ago, my husband met a married woman online. Ever since the beginning, she constantly says "love you", "honey", "baby", and "miss you" in every sentence. She always messages him online and they talk on the phone almost everyday. At first, I just thought he might find her annoying since she acts clingy, but I finally realized that he loves it. He says "I love you" back and he's starting to feel sad that he just can't be with her because she has a husband and a kid. Another thing he told me is that he loves talking to her because she is not very educated, so it doesn't make him feel dumb (again, his low self esteem makes him think everyone around him thinks he's dumb).

I read "How to Save Your Marriage Alone" by Ed Wheat. I follow it by always smiling and giving love even though I am hurting inside. I also say "I love you" and "miss you" to him. I try to make home a great place to return to. I run to him with kisses and hugs when he returns home. We do not have kids, but we have a dog that we both adore just like our own kid. I massage him every night. I take care of his stomach. I don't criticize. I put up with his rejection and sometimes short temper. Please note that I've always pampered him even before the other lady came along.

He says nobody will love him like I do, but we will never get past this if we do get back together because he doesn't think what he did can be forgiven. He says he loves me but loves her too, and the love is different. He says he finds me more attractive than her, so this is not about physical attraction. He says I deserve much better than him, and he will be sad if I do go off with another guy, but he will be happy as long as I am happy. He also says he wants me to stay around, but I am free to go if I want to.

I don't want to let go. My friends are urging me to leave, but the book I read told me otherwise. My question is, given that I know I want to be with him and I want things to work out, what can I do right now?

1) After her husband found out, he called my husband and left a threatening voice mail. Now she can only talk to my husband using her work phone. I thought about contacting her husband and letting him know they are still talking, but he might tell her I was the one who told on her, and that can really hurt my relationship with my husband.
2) Some people told me to leave so he can have a chance to miss me, but he's just starting to fall in love with her. Wouldn't my absence force him to transform his missing for me into more infatuation towards her?
3)The book said if I continue to give tender love, he will come around. What do you think?

Sincerely,
A Woman With a Broken Heart

 

[Wisp]

1. I thought about contacting her husband, but he might tell her I was the one who told on her, and that can really hurt my relationship with my husband….

YES do so break this NOW it is an emotional affair, her husband has a right to know, do not worry what your husband or her husband thinks. It forces the other woman to focus on her relationship and gives you a chance to rebuild yours.


2. Some people told me to leave so he can have a chance to miss me, but he's just starting to fall in love with her. Wouldn't my absence force him to transform his missing for me into more infatuation towards her?

When you have exposed the affair to the other woman’s husband and if he stops her contacting your husband the emotional affair becomes more difficult to maintain.

3. The book said if I continue to give tender love, he will come around. What do you guys think?

You husband will have mood swings and will react in ways you may not have seen before. You must consistent; the books gave you good advice.

More info on the links below.:

Affair Care Coaching: 7 Steps to Rebuilding Your Marriage After the Affair is Ended

Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice

 

[blueberrydream]

Dear Wisp,

Thank you a lot for your prompt and caring advice. The other thing I did not mention is that her husband already knows so now she can only talk to my husband using her work phone.

Also, my husband feels embarrassed about this affair, so he asked me to keep quiet after his confession. I think telling her husband will completely shatter his trust in me? I am supposed to be the calm and loving wife who he can count on..

 

[iamnottheonlyone]

Talk to the husband. You two need to be on the same page and work together. You will not be making progress in your relationship while this continues. It will only get worse. The next step would be exposing the affair to someone he trusts and asking that person to step in. You would need to make sure they support you. The wayward spouse will blame you and justify their behavior with more lies. So whoever you talk to has to understand that this is an addiction. Your husband is chasing the thrill.

 

[Wisp]

Have strength and fortitude.

They are following the pattern that is the norm in affairs so no surprise, as time goes by and you research this site more you will note the pattern.

Here is the next step in the play..

Give your husband one ultimatum. One only , walk away after you have said your piece

The ultimatum is he stops the affair NOW and provides evidence thereof.

For your Info:

His evidence to you is … he must evidence he has not been in contact with her. All information must be disclosed to you, he must account for every minute of his day and night. It is not your problem how he does this - make it his.

He will not like this and will react. This is predictable hence the walk away, if he chases you simple answer is “I will no longer discuss this with you”, no debate , no dialog this is a one way conversation. Do not let him play dumb he was not stupid when he went into this and he is not stupid when he plays on your good nature.

I am now going to give you words you know already but may not be using to put you on the right mind set..

He is a LIAR, he is a CHEAT, he is ABUSING your love, he is MANIPULATING your good nature, he is DISHOUNOURING your marriage vows

For your own sake take action, the longer you leave it the worse it gets for you.. and it is then harder for you to stop as he will say but your agreed to this…

If he does not agree, he has layed the gauntlet down and is testing you.

Call the other woman’s husband and expose to all friends and family.

Be brave, best wishes

 

[827Aug]

Also, my husband feels embarrassed about this affair, so he asked me to keep quiet after his confession. I think telling her husband will completely shatter his trust in me? I am supposed to be the calm and loving wife who he can count on..

That's very nice he is embarrassed. At least he still knows right from wrong and cares about what others think. It is definitely ultimatum time. Tell him that this EA is going to stop or you will begin telling others. Also, insist on going to counseling. He has definitely got issues that need to get resolved.

As for the current techniques you are employing from that book, I don't have much confidence in them. Some of the theory makes sense. But, if you aren't careful, you'll become a "doormat". I was given that very same advice when my spouse first started cheating. True, these affairs usually never last more than a few months. But, then they'll move on to another one. It's almost like rewarding bad behavior. I followed that strategy for almost two years. I became a "doormat", and now I'm the one with self-esteem issues. You just can't allow his EA to continue.

 

[jessi]

hi there, so sorry you are here, but it's a great place to put a marriage back together.....
first of all like the others have said, tell the other husband and work together to stop the contact. Affairs only survive if everyone keeps their secrets......it doesn't work when it's a lot more work to pull it off, or other people know......of course he is embarrassed and he should, I would expose his affair to everyone he knows, let them put pressure on him to stop the affair. Your marriage can survive him being mad at you for exposing, it can't survive the affair continuing.......
Tell him you are fighting to save your marriage and you can't have a third person in it....your husband is deep in affair babble as we call it here......until there is no contact between them he won't commit back to the marriage......
Stay calm and read and learn all you can here about the steps to save a marriage, end an affair and how to go about the steps to make these things happen......Be smart and be patient and don't expect anything out of him for a while, until the affair fog lifts........
good luck and come here for support

 

[blueberrydream]

Thank you, everyone. I got some pretty good advices here. However, there is one more thing; I don't think my husband cares to stay in the marriage at this moment. If I give him the ultimatum, he will probably think it's a perfect excuse to get out. Another thing is, he hates pressures. His personality is that only love and kindness draw him in and pressures always make him look the other way.

 

[blueyes]

ok, I'm sorry I am the wayward spouse in my case and I'm having trouble swallowing all this. Do what the they say, if u want things to work or let him walk. u need to show some back bone and strength or he'll just keep walking all over u. Have some confidence if he leaves your better off. Tell the other spouse as well let him get mad, just more of him manipulating u again the way I see it. I've been through all of this and the best thing my husband did was stick up for himself, showed me some strength not a little timid mouse

 

[Wisp]

blueberrydream:

If he decides to leave you, he is going to man up very quickly and take a lot of pressure. He will learn this is just the beginning because...

You are then going to expose his wayward activities to his closest friends, family, co-workers etc.. plus he will not have the security blanket of a family and wife, namely you to run back to unless he stops the affair and rebuilds the marriage

You will pull no punches when it comes to saving your marriage.

Have faith, decide what you want to do, live like this and it gets worse or have a happy marriage.

Think strong