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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband is sexting with other women, I see msgs and pictures between him and other women.. It is not the first time, unfortunately I still love him (I think I do or maybe attachment) and what he does breaks me !
It’s not the first time, he did that first year of our marriage, we had a fight about it and he promised to stop but I think he somehow forgets and keeps doing it again and again .. sometimes just flirting and others dirty talk.
He says this doesn’t mean anything and it’s just talk during the moment.
I stopped talking about It cause he is not responding anymore and I dunno what to do.. he says he loves me and every time I bring separation he refuses and I am attached to him !
I haven’t told him what I saw cause there’s no point .. I know that I shouldn’t stay with him but he is my first
we have been married for 6 years and before that 5 years relation and engagement so he has been around me all my life ..
I feel that my heart is broken and I feel weak unable to take actions
Some friends tell me to fight for him and try to grab his attention away from this but all I can think of is till when ?
 

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My husband is sexting with other women, I see msgs and pictures between him and other women.. It is not the first time, unfortunately I still love him (I think I do or maybe attachment) and what he does breaks me !
It’s not the first time, he did that first year of our marriage, we had a fight about it and he promised to stop but I think he somehow forgets and keeps doing it again and again .. sometimes just flirting and others dirty talk.
He says this doesn’t mean anything and it’s just talk during the moment.
I stopped talking about It cause he is not responding anymore and I dunno what to do.. he says he loves me and every time I bring separation he refuses and I am attached to him !
I haven’t told him what I saw cause there’s no point .. I know that I shouldn’t stay with him but he is my first
we have been married for 6 years and before that 5 years relation and engagement so he has been around me all my life ..
I feel that my heart is broken and I feel weak unable to take actions
Some friends tell me to fight for him and try to grab his attention away from this but all I can think of is till when ?
Unless he has some sort of cognitive disability, he is absolutely NOT forgetting his promise to not cheat on you. He just doesn't care enough to stop.

You need to stop looking for excuses for his actions. He is cheating because he wants to.

As for what you need to do about it? Not what your friends say. Trying to nice him back or playing the pick me game will not work. You need to put your foot down and make him realize that you are serious about it. The cheating stops, he gets into therapy, and he does everything necessary to reconcile (timeline of events, full disclosure, full access to all electronics, etc), or you divorce.

The thing is, you have to be ready to follow through if he doesn't.
 

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You can't make him love you and treat you right. He has to want to on his own. Right now he sounds like a typical cake eater. He has you for day to day stability and he has his single man life on the side. He knows you won't do anything so he has no reason to change. It also seems like he is a serial cheater - they seldom change enough to become a safe partner in life.
Do you have access to bank accounts? Are you dependant on him financially? Do you have family and trusted friends that can support you emotionally and possibly give you a place to stay for a while? Do you have any children?
You should seek legal advice so you know your rights and what divorce could look like. You say you love him. Why would you love someone who abuses you in this way. Do you really love him as he is, or do you love the idealized image you have of him? You said you asked for a separation and he said no. Why does he get to control everything. If you want to separate, then do it.
You have to act to change your situation. No one will do it for you. You can have a much better life if you are willing to pursue it. It won't be easy, but in the end you can end up happy. Staying with him also is not easy and you are likely to end up very sad.
Keep posting here. You will get great advise and support every step of the way. Many of the people here have been in your shoes. They got through it and you will too. The weekend can be slow, but support is on its way.
 

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Yeah, what bobert said.

He didn't forget. He cares more about having his ego and possibly whatever else stroked than he does about your relationship. One thing that seems universal with this type of thing...it's like roaches. You see one, you know there are more behind the wall. You are not a teen. You are a grown woman. Yes, you are attached. He is what you are used to, and sadly, you are becoming used to being second best.
 

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He knows you won't do anything so he has no reason to change.
This. I can't stress it enough.

You said you asked for a separation and he said no. Why does he get to control everything. If you want to separate, then do it.
Yep, it isn't up to him. He clearly wants to live as if single, so make him single again.
If you are keeping him sexually interested in you, and sexually satisfied, he has NO EXCUSE for this behavior.
No matter what, he has no excuse for this behavior. No one makes him act this way, no matter they do or don't do. He is making a choice to behave this way every time he does it. It's on him.
 

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My husband is sexting with other women, I see msgs and pictures between him and other women.. It is not the first time, unfortunately I still love him (I think I do or maybe attachment) and what he does breaks me !
It’s not the first time, he did that first year of our marriage, we had a fight about it and he promised to stop but I think he somehow forgets and keeps doing it again and again .. sometimes just flirting and others dirty talk.
He says this doesn’t mean anything and it’s just talk during the moment.
I stopped talking about It cause he is not responding anymore and I dunno what to do.. he says he loves me and every time I bring separation he refuses and I am attached to him !
I haven’t told him what I saw cause there’s no point .. I know that I shouldn’t stay with him but he is my first
we have been married for 6 years and before that 5 years relation and engagement so he has been around me all my life ..
I feel that my heart is broken and I feel weak unable to take actions
Some friends tell me to fight for him and try to grab his attention away from this but all I can think of is till when ?
He has gotten away with it so he won’t change. The only thing that will change is that you will become a shadow of your former self due to the pain he will cause you. He does not love you really, otherwise he wouldn’t do this. He sounds addicted. Have some self respect. Time to consider walking away. He wants to have his cake and eat it. Why fight for damaged goods, better to get brand new goods. Separation is not his choice, it is yours, yiu do not need his permission. Go see a lawyer.
 

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It appears that you are in France, please correct me if I’m wrong.
Unfortunately it seems to be almost compulsory over there to have a girlfriend/boyfriend as well as a spouse. Your president’s carry on this tradition enthusiastically.
My only advice is to either divorce or fight fire with fire.
 
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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Also, don't tell him what else you know. Use that information to your advantage. You tell him he has one shot to come clean and if he doesn't, it's over.

Again, you have to be prepared to follow through.
So I shouldn’t tell him what I saw .. then how can I open such conversation ?
Or how to tell him that I know he is cheating ?
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
You can't make him love you and treat you right. He has to want to on his own. Right now he sounds like a typical cake eater. He has you for day to day stability and he has his single man life on the side. He knows you won't do anything so he has no reason to change. It also seems like he is a serial cheater - they seldom change enough to become a safe partner in life.
Do you have access to bank accounts? Are you dependant on him financially? Do you have family and trusted friends that can support you emotionally and possibly give you a place to stay for a while? Do you have any children?
You should seek legal advice so you know your rights and what divorce could look like. You say you love him. Why would you love someone who abuses you in this way. Do you really love him as he is, or do you love the idealized image you have of him? You said you asked for a separation and he said no. Why does he get to control everything. If you want to separate, then do it.
You have to act to change your situation. No one will do it for you. You can have a much better life if you are willing to pursue it. It won't be easy, but in the end you can end up happy. Staying with him also is not easy and you are likely to end up very sad.
Keep posting here. You will get great advise and support every step of the way. Many of the people here have been in your shoes. They got through it and you will too. The weekend can be slow, but support is on its way.
I’m not sure anymore if this is love or attachment because of how long we have been together !
Maybe I love the old him or a picture that I have of him.

We don’t have kids (I wasn’t feeling safe enough and our sec life is not helping either) - I have started to work 10 months ago so yes I can be somehow independent financially.

We have relocated to another country 2 years ago, so I am away from my family and I don’t have friends here to depend on .. I know some but I don’t think I can get the support.


Why he gets to choose ? Well cause when I‘m still hoping he could fix things or find a way out.
I haven’t told him what I saw because even back then I wasn’t sure what was going on .. I felt him being distant (sleeping outside on the couch, all the time on his mobile, planing his daily activities solo) so I opened the conversation of how to fix our relation but he didn’t say or suggest actions, so I asked if he wants to separate or if we should separate but he refused. He said he wants to be with me.

I want to be happy, respected , cared about. I want to feel love and appreciation.
I want safety and security in the relationship and I know I’m not going to get that with him but I got weak .. my emotions are too much for me to handle ..
Sometimes I think wouldn it be easy if I sleep one day and just don’t wake up !
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
It appears that you are in France, please correct me if I’m wrong.
Unfortunately it seems to be almost compulsory over there to have a girlfriend/boyfriend as well as a spouse. Your president’s carry on this tradition enthusiastically.
My only advice is to either divorce or fight fire with fire.
Netherlands.
I can’t do the same, it’s against my values and he knows it ! Doing this would do me more hurt than good ..

I agree as well that unfortunately, I’m getting used to be second and to be treated like this !
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
He has gotten away with it so he won’t change. The only thing that will change is that you will become a shadow of your former self due to the pain he will cause you. He does not love you really, otherwise he wouldn’t do this. He sounds addicted. Have some self respect. Time to consider walking away. He wants to have his cake and eat it. Why fight for damaged goods, better to get brand new goods. Separation is not his choice, it is yours, yiu do not need his permission. Go see a lawyer.
Cause I still have small bit of hope he would change ? and also because he made me think less of myself as a woman that I believe I won’t have someone else ..
I get anxiety / pain just from the idea of leaving. I wasn’t weak like this before him.
 

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Sometimes I think wouldn it be easy if I sleep one day and just don’t wake up !
No. Don't think like that. You are grieving. Grieving the loss of the relationship you thought you had.

Now that you see him for what he is, it's time to take action and take care of yourself.

If you don't have a support system there, can you go back home?
 

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I’m not sure anymore if this is love or attachment because of how long we have been together !
Maybe I love the old him or a picture that I have of him.

We don’t have kids (I wasn’t feeling safe enough and our sec life is not helping either) - I have started to work 10 months ago so yes I can be somehow independent financially.

We have relocated to another country 2 years ago, so I am away from my family and I don’t have friends here to depend on .. I know some but I don’t think I can get the support.


Why he gets to choose ? Well cause when I‘m still hoping he could fix things or find a way out.
I haven’t told him what I saw because even back then I wasn’t sure what was going on .. I felt him being distant (sleeping outside on the couch, all the time on his mobile, planing his daily activities solo) so I opened the conversation of how to fix our relation but he didn’t say or suggest actions, so I asked if he wants to separate or if we should separate but he refused. He said he wants to be with me.

I want to be happy, respected , cared about. I want to feel love and appreciation.
I want safety and security in the relationship and I know I’m not going to get that with him but I got weak .. my emotions are too much for me to handle ..
Sometimes I think wouldn it be easy if I sleep one day and just don’t wake up !
Have you thought about going home to your family?
 

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Cause I still have small bit of hope he would change ? and also because he made me think less of myself as a woman that I believe I won’t have someone else ..
I get anxiety / pain just from the idea of leaving. I wasn’t weak like this before him.

@Rema-77

You feel weak, not because you're weak, but cos you're being treated badly by him.
You think less of yourself as a woman, not because you are less of a woman, but cos you're being treated badly by him.

See what I mean?
That is what abuse does. It's emotional abuse. He's practically bullying you with things like telling you 'it doesn’t mean anything' and' it’s just talk' and then he refuses to talk about separation?

What you are feeling is normal in this situation. I had the same with my ex-husband and I felt exactly as you do now.

I was so relieved to read that you don't have kids.
See? Your gut instinct stopped you cos you didn't feel safe. That just proves you are a strong woman and you know what you want.

You also came on here for advice, a very smart thing to do when you had no local support.

You also suggested separation to him. Many betrayed people who come on here haven't even gotten that far, or close to it. But the strong woman inside you has already.

You said:
I want to be happy, respected , cared about. I want to feel love and appreciation.
I want safety and security in the relationship and I know I’m not going to get that with him but I got weak .. my emotions are too much for me to handle ..
See? You know exactly what you want.
He was doing it 6 years ago, in the first year of your marriage but is still doing it. It's hard to believe he will change now.

Fighting for his attention against all the women he's texting is the worst advice I ever heard. You said 'but for how long'. Exactly, for the rest of your life. It wouldn't work. That I'm sure of. Would you really want to live like that?

So first you need to get control of your emotions as you said. You sound very upset and anxious and you are having very dark thoughts.
I would encourage you to go back to your family and friends as @Diana7 said, as soon as is possible, because you badly need support on the ground. Go back to people who love you.
Is your country of origin very far away from the Netherlands?

TAM was a great help to me when I was going through the same.
Please keep posting on here for support.
 

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Cause I still have small bit of hope he would change ? and also because he made me think less of myself as a woman that I believe I won’t have someone else ..
I get anxiety / pain just from the idea of leaving. I wasn’t weak like this before him.
This is called magical thinking or in this site we call it "hopium.' which is addictive. Look at the facts, he will not change.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
We broke up months before the marriage because he wasn’t happy.
But then I found out that he was seeing another girl for 6 months but he told me it’s not because of her he is leaving it’s because he is not happy.

When he told me, I accepted it I didn’t argue .. I didn’t make a scene or anything I even drove him home.
And that day once I got back to my apartment I couldn’t stop crying I was so down and weak.
I was falling apart cause I didn’t expect that.
Then couple of weeks after, he said he still wants us and he wasn’t thinking straight and he already left the other girl .. He said she didn’t mean anything to him and that With me he feels safe and grounded.
I believed him, got married couple of months af ter and then to find out it, he is flirting and sexting with other girls too.

We discussed it, he showed remorse and guilt . He said he will stop but he didn’t !
Our sex life was not good but part of it cause I thought less of myself, I felt he didn’t like me physically that I’m not enough.

So, If I’m not his type, if I don’t appeal to him physically why is he still with me ?
He has money, good job, we don’t have kids, he is not satisfied and he knows well, I’m a woman who will end things in a civilised way.

I have those thoughts that I will end up alone, that he will change after I leave that he will be a better man for another woman ..
That he will move on ..
I also feel injustice cause I helped and supported him to be where he is right now with work and generally in life and that is what I get back?!
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I feel that I’m going all over the place here with my thoughts but I’m thinking out loud with you,

I feel he is kinda lost too or maybe he has 2 personalities I dunno, I could see it in his eyes like Sometime it’s this uncaring selfish childish man who is going after any woman or girl that comes his way who believes that men are not designed to stay with one woman .. like this how nature made them.
This guy who didn’t get to live his teenage years having sex with other girls and trying (I was his first with sex and I think even I was his first real relation)
And this other person who wants to settle down, have normal life..

May be that’s me just trying to give excuses to myself for staying.

My friends say I am a difficult person cause I want perfect life, cause um seeking ideal relation that doesn’t exist .. That I don’t know how to deal with him and um not smart enough to win him.
May be I’m black and white / right or wrong / 0&1 type and hence I argue and discuss small things that don’t meet my expectations but I still believe that It takes 2 to build relation so if I have my down sides, you should communicate and talk instead of escaping, taking the easy way. I also think that I was too loyal and too much available for him that he took me for granted so I’m partially responsible but that doesn’t excuse betraying me and disrespecting me like this.
 
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