My husband and I met in high school, we were together and then broke up and got back together, I got pregnant at 18 and he decided he wanted to always be around his child everyday and that we were going to be a family. We got married when our child turned 2. We have been married now for over a decade and I thought we were happy. We have had hiccups and honestly while we are great friends, I do feel that we are very different romantically but nothing our marriage can't fix to me. I found out he has been seeing a woman for 3 years. I have read some text messages to her and they are really really involved. He asks her opinion a lot about life matters, work matters, and from the looks of it, they started a secret business together! They even have a realtor to purchase property! My husband and I hardly have sex, and awhile ago in an argument he told me had checked out years ago but that to me is anger talking and we do have three beautiful children and he is such a great father! Ever so often, we do engage in physical intimacy and he still attends our family gatherings, outings with kids, family vacations, and even proclaims me on social media outlets knowing I love to share our relationship with our friends and family. He always makes it a point to post me on special occasions which to me always says "we are OK". I love to share this on my social media. He does all of these things which to me, I know this affair is temporary. He is very present!
My good friend tells me, he settled for me because of the children, he's obligated to me and if he has been with this woman for 3 years and counting, its not a fling but I just don't believe that! I guess here I am seeking any advice and if you think this 3-year relationship is real or not and how should I proceed. I do not want to ruffle any feathers because I do think this is temporary because of him being present and doesn’t miss a beat but it is very off-putting to know he is making money with this woman, she is in his personal life, I saw she helped him make multiple appointments, he goes to her for advice about everyday matters, he even shares things with her about our children! They are too intertwined to me but how intertwined could they be if he is still present with our family.
Just this past weekend, our oldest graduated and we are taking a "graduation vacation" until Thursday he has really posted me this weekend. I love when he does that. But when I looked into his phone, I saw that he made sure to see her before we left on our vacation. and he explained to her all of the activities we had planned this weekend with OUR family. He also told her he is excited to go because it is fun for our children. He told her he loved her and couldn't wait to be back from vacation to see her. I am so confused because he again has posted me all weekend, and it really makes my heart soar. What do you all think? I need all the raw advice and experience.
Your WH is emotionally and sexually involved with this woman big time and will probably eventually leave you when the kids are old enough. You need to wake up to this realisation. Just because he does 'family' things with you means absolutely nothing, it is not with YOU, it is with family and you are the mother of his kids. When is the last time he took you on a date, bought you jewellery, took you for a holiday alone?
You need to give him some shock and awe. Does he know you know about the affair? Start getting your ducks in a row.
If he is investing money with this woman, that is communal assets and you could end up bled dry and with no money when he leaves you as it will all be in her name! He is playing nice now to keep you unaware. Do not tell him you found out, go see a lawyer immediately. A man who is this conniving carrying on an affair for 3 years and pretending everything is ok with you is a devious POS and you need to play him at his game and please wake up to what he is! GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE SAND FOR GOODNESS SAKE! BTW, he is NOT a good husband or father, he is a lying, conniving, devious POS and if you cannot see that, well all is lost!
1. Start doing the 180 on him as you need to detach and get yourself ready to lose him. No more sex with him, play nice but feign excuses. do not let him know you found out anything. Go into stealth mode.
2. Go and get an STD test.
3. Keep a copy of all the evidence of his affair. screen shot all to yourself and keep safe
4. Go see a lawyer to ascertain your rights
5. Let his family and your family and friends know (only when you pull the plug) what he has been doing, all of it. Do not cover for him. It could be common knowledge that he is just biding his time with you till the kids are grown up.
6. Start taking care of yourself, going to gym, joining other women groups, returning to college, etc. Do you have a job? Think about getting one.
7. Do your kids suspect anything?
8. Get yourself some counselling to see why you put up with this.
9. Speak to close friends/sibling for support while you figure out what next. You need to pull the trigger on this. He is a cake eater with the best of both worlds.
