[Celtic Woman]

The sad thing is that even if it is carrying on you probably won't do a thing.

Maybe she's not really able to. She sounds like a very vulnerable person. I hope she has people IN her personal life that can help her navigate this and protect her.

 

[Celtic Woman]

i guess this is an old thread - older than I realized - I'm still new here so when my button said this was new, I thought it meant a new thread....I guess it's referring to new responses. Sorry for taking up band spaces - now I know to look at the date of the first post.

I'm still glad I looked though - my mind is blown, LOLOLOL. I do hope OP is okay - can anyone summarize how this has worked out?

 

[Celtic Woman]

I have read your response over and over again. And you saying I’m the side person is disturbing me. I understand I don’t have sex with my husband but we do have everything else. I do understand how a man would want sex but sec does not make a marriage to me. It’s the commitment behind the marriage. We are both committed to staying in our marriage and that’s apparent, I just want him to stop with this s**** with this woman. If anything she is hindering our growth as a partnership.
Can you explain the rationale of being the side person (me) in this?

Honey, to most people especially men....you can't have a marriage without sex. Sex IS what makes the marriage. Literally - the marriage vows are about cleaving - that means joining - one person to another....SEXUALLY and you make children. Very few men want to have a sexless marriage and many....and I hate to say it....maybe most....will find other outlets. I think the only reason he stays with you is the kids. He's not going to stop having sex with this woman if you're not giving him any sex. Either you have sex with him.....and learn to enjoy it I hope.....or he's going to stay with her or find someone else. Dead bedroom is perhaps the most common reason for affairs, especially for someone with a higher sex drive. What you're describing in your marriage is not reasonable.

 

[Celtic Woman]

OP, why don't you have sex with him? Is it him personally or you don't like sex, or is it painful to you, or what are your attitudes towards sex? That may simply be the root of your problem although I don't know if your situation can be fixed. It may have gone on too long, he's developed another arrangement. I would not necessarily call you the side piece but you are certainly running parallel to this other woman, whom I do think is his real romantic and sexual interest. To a man, those usually go together.

 

[Celtic Woman]

I guess this nightmarish scenario is still going on so....I guess I can still comment. oy yoi yoi.

 

[Celtic Woman]

I am reposting this to help you realize how important this is -- you THINK you have a committed marriage -- but without that emotional intimacy you get from sex, you really have a roomate/friends relationship.

Seriously.......OP.......you need to have sex with this man if you want to have a marriage. That's the way it works unless one or both of you is too ill for sex.

 

[Jimi007]

@husbandcheating22. Have you Confronted this woman ? Have you talked to her at all ?

She's been introduced to your oldest son...Looks like your husband is showing your son his new step mom...

 

[1Autumn72]

I think our oldest kid (adult) knows about her!! From this text I’ve read, our child has talked to her.

How do you feel about this?

 

[Works]

i guess this is an old thread - older than I realized - I'm still new here so when my button said this was new, I thought it meant a new thread....I guess it's referring to new responses. Sorry for taking up band spaces - now I know to look at the date of the first post.

I'm still glad I looked though - my mind is blown, LOLOLOL. I do hope OP is okay - can anyone summarize how this has worked out?

She still believes he isn't in love with the other woman because he attends family outings with her (legal wife), and posts pictures on social media of the family. She (legal wife) can't quite understand why the other woman won't just go away. 🧐

 

[BigDaddyNY]

I think our oldest kid (adult) knows about her!! From this text I’ve read, our child has talked to her.

Of course. At some point all the kids will need to meet their step mom. Your days as his "wife" are numbered. You think you have everything and she has nothing. Sorry but you are completely fooling yourself. You are just the nanny that he is nice and polite too. No kids, no need for the nanny, unless he were sleeping with her, which you guys aren't doing. Your only purpose in his life is caretaker of his children.

 

[BigDaddyNY]

Seriously.......OP.......you need to have sex with this man if you want to have a marriage. That's the way it works unless one or both of you is too ill for sex.

Ain't gonna happen. She doesn't do sex and her husband is done with her other than using her as a nanny. The OW is more like his real wife. Although, I'm amazed that she puts up with him staying with OP. She must know it is just a matter of time. I honestly believe OP is mentally ill. Supposedly her therapist told her to post here after posting on another site where she was told the exact same thing as she is getting here. She was told to post here to see if the other was just an anomaly, I assume to get her to wake up. It didn't work. She is mentally broken and will be in for a world of hurt when her youngest kid moves out and her "husband" says CYA!

 

[Teacherwifemom]

Ain't gonna happen. She doesn't do sex and her husband is done with her other than using her as a nanny. The OW is more like his real wife. Although, I'm amazed that she puts up with him staying with OP. She must know it is just a matter of time. I honestly believe OP is mentally ill. Supposedly her therapist told her to post here after posting on another site where she was told the exact same thing as she is getting here. She was told to post here to see if the other was just an anomaly, I assume to get her to wake up. It didn't work. She is mentally broken and will be in for a world of hurt when her youngest kid moves out and her "husband" says CYA!

I have to agree that there is mental illness here. Every time this thread pops up I’m left in absolute disbelief at how tone deaf OP is. I can almost see why he’s doing what he’s doing because I doubt she’s capable of actually being a partner to him. She seems only to care about herself and appearances. How can anyone like that be a true partner? I’ve known a few people like this. I don’t believe anyone could think like this if they were mentally healthy. You could tell her the sun is yellow but if she’s decided it’s green, it’s green. The husband will 100% be out of the marriage as soon as the last child is out. He’s literally building a life with his gf and OP keeps insisting it’s a meaningless fling. Mind boggling.

 

[Celtic Woman]

She still believes he isn't in love with the other woman because he attends family outings with her (legal wife), and posts pictures on social media of the family. She (legal wife) can't quite understand why the other woman won't just go away. 🧐

Thank you for the summary. I was kind of picking that up from looking at OP's latest posts. She doesn't want to believe this is true, obviously, especially after all the time that's elapsed since the first post. I know how devastating this realization must be but enough time has passed that she should be further along in the process, one way or another. Her husband obviously considers the OW as his real partner/mate...wife....if you will, and OP is just the mother of the kids. Very sad but OP doesn't seem to be willing to listen or understand the reality of the situation. If she wants to be Plan B and is basically okay with that, some people are I guess, all we can do is point it out especially as she doesn't seem to want to improve things with her husband such as dealing with the massive sexual issue. You can lead a horse, etc etc.

 

[Celtic Woman]

I have to agree that there is mental illness here. Every time this thread pops up I’m left in absolute disbelief at how tone deaf OP is. I can almost see why he’s doing what he’s doing because I doubt she’s capable of actually being a partner to him. She seems only to care about herself and appearances. How can anyone like that be a true partner? I’ve known a few people like this. I don’t believe anyone could think like this if they were mentally healthy. You could tell her the sun is yellow but if she’s decided it’s green, it’s green. The husband will 100% be out of the marriage as soon as the last child is out. He’s literally building a life with his gf and OP keeps insisting it’s a meaningless fling. Mind boggling.

I tend to agree with you. Her ability to block out reality has been stunning.

 

[Works]

Thank you for the summary. I was kind of picking that up from looking at OP's latest posts. She doesn't want to believe this is true, obviously, especially after all the time that's elapsed since the first post. I know how devastating this realization must be but enough time has passed that she should be further along in the process, one way or another. Her husband obviously considers the OW as his real partner/mate...wife....if you will, and OP is just the mother of the kids. Very sad but OP doesn't seem to be willing to listen or understand the reality of the situation. If she wants to be Plan B and is basically okay with that, some people are I guess, all we can do is point it out especially as she doesn't seem to want to improve things with her husband such as dealing with the massive sexual issue. You can lead a horse, etc etc.

Very welcome. 😊

 

[Celtic Woman]

@husbandcheating22. Have you Confronted this woman ? Have you talked to her at all ?

She's been introduced to your oldest son...Looks like your husband is showing your son his new step mom...

The problem here, which OP doesn't realize, at least I haven't read it yet, maybe it's buried in the thread, is that OP's husband may reach a point now that the kids are getting older, apparently, of maybe dropping OP for this other woman who seems to be his real interest. Even if OP doesn't want to admit how much her husband is involved with this other woman, she also does not want a bombshell of divorce and abandonment dropped on her, which I could see happening in the future. I think she really needs to be more proactive to protect herself as time goes on. We can only point these things out to her, whether she is able to see them or take action, is another story.

 

[Celtic Woman]

Ain't gonna happen. She doesn't do sex and her husband is done with her other than using her as a nanny. The OW is more like his real wife. Although, I'm amazed that she puts up with him staying with OP. She must know it is just a matter of time. I honestly believe OP is mentally ill. Supposedly her therapist told her to post here after posting on another site where she was told the exact same thing as she is getting here. She was told to post here to see if the other was just an anomaly, I assume to get her to wake up. It didn't work. She is mentally broken and will be in for a world of hurt when her youngest kid moves out and her "husband" says CYA!

Yes, I see the same thing. It's a shame but she may not be able to handle the situation. I hope there is someone who can help to protect her....as you say, it's just a matter of time before he closes that door and takes up full time with the OW. That's his "real" wife.

 

[BigDaddyNY]

Yes, I see the same thing. It's a shame but she may not be able to handle the situation. I hope there is someone who can help to protect her....as you say, it's just a matter of time before he closes that door and takes up full time with the OW. That's his "real" wife.

It is sad because she is setting herself up to have her world shattered. She knows exactly what is going on yet chooses to do nothing because the OW is meaningless, he can't be serious about her, it is just a temporary fling, or whatever other delusion she is telling herself. When the day comes that he leaves her she still won't believe it.

 

[Cynthia]

Thank you QuietGuy for responding. As I take it you are a guy, then why does he stay with me? In my head, he is where he wants to be. I don't beg him to stay with me, but he is extremely present in our home. He does all of our family things and never misses a beat. On our anniversary he takes me and the children out, birthdays, holidays etc. He does not spend these special occasions with her. We have known each other for over 18 years and we are a love story that most envy. Project a happy family?

Looking back on your thread, this popped out to me. He takes the family out on your anniversary, not you alone, but the whole family. He sees your marriage in the context of family, which is why he is still with you. Where was he on Valentine's Day? Did you see the texts between them regarding Valentine's Day? Did he do anything with you alone?

 

[husbandcheating22]

if this is for real, and you can’t understand it by now, I can see why your husband has done what he’s done, which is horrible.
He has likely tried everything to make you understand that the connection and intimacy a typical man feels by having a sexual relationship with his wife is really important to him. It’s also important that the sexual relationship is something shared WITH him, not a treat given TO him.

I’m really sorry that if genuine, you truly are blind to what your husband has wanted to share with you but you’ve been unable to do.

Im also sorry that your marriage to this man is so completely fulfilling to you, but sadly, it was grossly unfulfilling to him. So he has wronged you by stepping outside the marriage and building a relationship with this other woman and not breaking things off with you.

You value highly some very important things in a marriage. But your idea of emotional intimacy and physical intimacy is different from his. I’ll bet your husband rightly thinks highly of you and thinks you’re a wonderful mother. You probably are. But as a lover, you are missing the mark.

Doesn’t he work with her in her business?
He texts her and writes her love notes, he has sex with her….
How many hours a day does she get with him vs you? There’s something missing in your description of the time spent with you vs her. Realize he’s SLEEPing with you in your bed. He’s AWAKE with her.

I’m going to stop posting on your thread. I feel like my message to you is only seen as hurtful. I just wanted you to see another perspective, so you could understand your husband better. What he’s done is wrong. But you can’t see that she’s giving him something you can’t.

Thank you. Your posts I have screenshotted and read as something for reference. Not hurtful but more educational. Thank you.