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Now he is homeschooling with the children. Sorry for the play-by-play. I have told a few people about this but not all the details. We have been through similar and it is exhausting for a loved one to go through this with you. Better to have support from people who aren't so involved. Thank you for the support.

If this turns into another "I don't know what to do" from him...Of course I want it to but I hate going through this. I might just be working myself up but I don't think I should be sitting around waiting for this cloud of his ambivalence to pass over me.

I am so influenceable it makes me ashamed. Am I only being strong because I am posting on here? Is posting on here giving me the strength and perspective I need? I have no idea. I haven't told him about this forum, even though I am an overly honest and open person, because he will ridicule it, probably try to read my posts, and overall try to turn me against it.

That is what he did to my journal. He commented on it all the time when I was writing, threw it on the roof 'just to see' me 'have to get it', and during a fight he secretively took it and (supposedly) destroyed it. He said he read it first and it was 'full of hate' and emanated hate. I informed him that I bought a new journal and it was not to be destroyed. He said he would not live with something so hateful in the house. I told him I have no intention on changing what I write, that it is a tool for me to use for a better life, and that if he didn't want to have negative entries we should fix our relationship. Now, I do vent in the journal but also write very similarly to this forum. I don't think this is hateful.

Anyhow, plans to continue to reach out to support and keep posting through this. Still staying separate but no resolution on rules for that. Not planning to be mean to him but will keep a distance at this time. If he follows-through on leaving we will attempt to carry-on as before. Summer break and end of soccer should help. My Aunt planning to stay a few month to help the transition if needed. The kids would actually love that and she probably would too. Maybe back to CA but I'd rather not.

If he abandons the children that will be quite surprising. He has nothing to hold onto and blames me for everything so once I am gone he will only have himself to blame. I feel like he is drowning in himself and doesn't understand what's happening. He is looking for a reason everything has gone wrong and doesn't know you can't make your way with no direction. He doesn't use his support system (friends), he doesn't have a job, he abuses drugs, he refuses counselling and introspective therapies (thinks he can cure himself with psychedelic mushrooms someday--never used yet), he is flying in the wind. His family was chaotic and dysfunctional and he never sought help for that. He has had an anger management issue for years that goes untreated--but blames it on unhappiness in the marriage. I don't mean to be overly critical, but this is what I see. Told him as much several times over many years.
How is he financing himself? I hope you're not planning on paying for his leaving.
 
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Discussion Starter · #43 ·
Okay, feeling silly posting into the wind, but also having the hardest time sleeping. Went in to say goodnight to the kids and they are talking about making the most of their time before he leaves. This isn't blowing over. Had a decent cry and feeling upset with him. Spoke to my mother and discussed how he has been feeling this way in the past. I feel sick. Next year would be 20 years together. Many unhappy memories, but I just find myself sad thinking about the happy ones. Was looking at his face today when he was ranting at me today and I thought "I don't love this person, do I?" I love something else. He seems unwell. I am afraid for him at times. I should let him leave. I want to ask him to stay as I always have. I think he expects me too and maybe wants me to. To show him I still care. I do care.

It is not like it was. I would plead and kiss him. It was passionate and dysfunctional maybe. It usually worked but it might not at this point. I can't bring myself to do it. He doesn't value me anymore--for the longest time. I keep thinking he doesn't know who I am anymore. He is scratching his head to diagnose me with something that will make him feel better about leaving. Some diagnosis that tells him I am unworthy of love and corrupt to my core. I am who I have always been but more sad maybe.

Tomorrow is going to suck. How to get through it...start walking again..Took my credit card out of his wallet. I am starting to worry about the money. I don't trust him but he really hasn't been secretive about it before. Feeling vulnerable.
 

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So sorry that you are going through this.
Start recording his abusiveness on your smart phone. The go see a lawyer and give him what he wants. You are living in a toxic environment which is also not good for your children. Their mother needs to be healthy mentally, emotionally and physically. Why are you holding on to this good for nothing man?
 

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You write:

I wish I was brave enough to end this marriage.


It is up to you to make a change. "Men" (not one really other than gender) like your Doofus spouse won't change till the pain is much greater than what constitutes his current life.

Also, drug use (including alcohol) is not an essential part of life.

Why do you put up with his abuse. "for the children" - that is a crippled persons excuse. Staying in an abusive
situation is teaching by example what to accept. Not good. . .

👆👆👆👆👆👆👆 THIS! if you cannot end it for yourself, please end it for your kids
 

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You both sound toxic. Why on earth would you share your journal with him, what is the purpose? To hurt him, make him angry, what? You seem to get something out of all of this drama and trauma. You need to cut this off at the roots. let him go and get yourself some counselling so that you can become a person who your children can depend on and look up to. Your H is an abuser but you are also sinking to his level. Cut it out and tell him to go. If it was me, i would tell him, I will follow when I sort things out. The chances are he will lose contact with you. I know that sounds painful. The red flags were there when a man takes early retirment at his age, gives up working and supporting his family and smoking pot all day. He is a big loser one you would be well rid off. In fact I think he is mentally unhinged also, maybe its the pot? let him go. It will be painful at first, but you will have peace, wonderful peace and you can make your way in the world slowly but surely. The kids will have calm and serenity in their home, those poor kids are witnessing far too much at such a young age and by staying with him you are setting them up for a life time of problems.
 

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Discussion Starter · #47 ·
You both sound toxic. Why on earth would you share your journal with him, what is the purpose? To hurt him, make him angry, what? You seem to get something out of all of this drama and trauma. You need to cut this off at the roots. let him go and get yourself some counselling so that you can become a person who your children can depend on and look up to. Your H is an abuser but you are also sinking to his level. Cut it out and tell him to go. If it was me, i would tell him, I will follow when I sort things out. The chances are he will lose contact with you. I know that sounds painful. The red flags were there when a man takes early retirment at his age, gives up working and supporting his family and smoking pot all day. He is a big loser one you would be well rid off. In fact I think he is mentally unhinged also, maybe its the pot? let him go. It will be painful at first, but you will have peace, wonderful peace and you can make your way in the world slowly but surely. The kids will have calm and serenity in their home, those poor kids are witnessing far too much at such a young age and by staying with him you are setting them up for a life time of problems.
We are toxic together, yes. We both don't want a toxic life/marriage, and we want to save the marriage. I think he (emotional issues, drug use, combination of both, thinking patterns) is the major cause of our issues. (I am not innocent or perfect, as you stated.) BTW, I did not share the journal. It was taken. I refuse to hide it or hide that I use it. I think that is more unhealthy, so...

I think what I get out of the drama (i.e. why I stay after/during drama--why I help make drama) is connection. (It's the only connection he seems willing to give, as we don't share a lot of interests or time together. I don't want someone saying how--wow, that is super unhealthy. Yes, it is. I am aware. I simply am too damaged/afraid/hopeful/stupid(?) to do anything about it at the time--apparently.) I can't think of anything else that I might be getting. Passion? Excitement, etc? I don't think so. I would be so happy to never be in a place like I have been with him--during and after a fight. Emotionally wrecked, day wrecked, stressed family.

I have stopped sinking to his level. That was a mistake to do in the first place. I read that it is called the Fool's Golden Rule--do unto others as they have done unto you (but the bad stuff :( ). I have started isolating during and after his attacks, but the issue is that I am blamed for the attacks and he/we seek no help. I could make an ultimatum, but he responses badly to things like that (of course). I want to say anger management or personal counselling, but for a man that is half out the door I don't know how attractive that would be.

I am continually fed up about this stuff and I think that is why it is pushed to the brink. It is funny that I am fed up and separating emotionally (and physically in the home) and he is the one that wants a divorce. We actually ended up going away for the weekend and, as these things go, it was wonderful. I remembered that it doesn't fix things but I was hopeful. Actually, I still am. However, yesterday-a fight. He was a #&$* again. Angry with the kids and me for not meeting his standards during doing tasks. We worked it out and I took care of the kids, but we talked afterwards and he was quite reasonable, yet I am pissed. I am tired of ending up in this spot. I told him I think he is unstable, I wonder if it is the decade+ chronic marijuana use, I urged him to get help (again). I told him I love him and he sometimes resembles the man I married, but not right now.

It is frustrating that we could have such a good time and so soon after if it falls apart. I know that is the way it goes, to expect it, but it hurts. I was a nice get away this weekend, but that isn't real life. I want even a part of that back on a daily level. Don't tell me I am crazy of stupid for that. He isn't talking about leaving anymore, so that's whatever (good). He is not a bum or big loser. Unpopular opinion, he is worth saving. This man and this marriage is worth saving. I am just not the one that can save it/him. He has to make the changes he needs to make. I will continue to seek a healthier place. Reaching up to family, taking care of myself, pursuing a happy life with the kids. If he wants to aim at the cliff, he is alone on that. We'll see what happens. It's been a long time coming--years working our way here to the edge. Walking it back but still being right up against.

I am confident I have the strength to stay here if he leaves. I have support from my family, here and in my home state. I have a small amount of community support from connections we have made. I am smart and know how to care for myself, I just need to exercise that knowledge.
 

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We are toxic together, yes. We both don't want a toxic life/marriage, and we want to save the marriage. I think he (emotional issues, drug use, combination of both, thinking patterns) is the major cause of our issues. (I am not innocent or perfect, as you stated.) BTW, I did not share the journal. It was taken. I refuse to hide it or hide that I use it. I think that is more unhealthy, so...

I am continually fed up about this stuff and I think that is why it is pushed to the brink. It is funny that I am fed up and separating emotionally (and physically in the home) and he is the one that wants a divorce. We actually ended up going away for the weekend and, as these things go, it was wonderful. I remembered that it doesn't fix things but I was hopeful. Actually, I still am. However, yesterday-a fight. He was a #&$* again. Angry with the kids and me for not meeting his standards during doing tasks. We worked it out and I took care of the kids, but we talked afterwards and he was quite reasonable, yet I am pissed. I am tired of ending up in this spot. I told him I think he is unstable, I wonder if it is the decade+ chronic marijuana use, I urged him to get help (again). I told him I love him and he sometimes resembles the man I married, but not right now.
I do not know whether you realise it or not, but you are doing untold damage to your children continuing in this environment.
If your H wants a divorce, go get the papers and give them to him and ask him to go. What value does he bring to your life, someone else has listed here all the terrible things he does to you and your kids and you are hanging on for what? Break those chains, if you wont do it for yourself, please do it for your poor little kids who have no say in any of this.
He is an abuser, plain and simple. LET HIM GO. You will soar, you all will flourish afterwards.
 
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