[Peering_Within]

I am in the process of trying to find my bearings in a toxic marriage. I have not given up hope for a better relationship and I want to keep my family intact (two children). My blood is boiling right now. I am attempting to separate myself from him physically at night--sleeping in a different building at our home. It isn't very comfortable, but I prefer it to being around the chaotic toxicity that we create. I spent late-night time with our kiddos after a pretty peaceful day (and sleeping in the other building for the last two nights). I went out there to resume sleeping out there and he was there smoking pot and cigarettes--inside the building with the window cracked. It is a building that we share as a family and there have been many discussions and agreements to smoke outside and "out the window" (dumb). He just doesn't care when no one is around and doesn't respect the rules we have decided upon. (!) I complained and asked him to be respectful. I also told him I needed the space. He refused and asked me to leave. He said he intended to use it to sleep. I told him this was always my plan and I had been there two nights already. He was watching YouTube loudly and smoking pot and that is his MO (until all hours). He claimed I was aggressive in "taking over the space". He then got up and lit a cigarette, half out of the door. As we discussed who would stay and I refused to leave but said he could stay if he turned the volume down and smoked outside, he closed the door and came in to smoke. I opened the door and he closed it again claiming he did not want to be cold. He continued to smoke and even seemed to blow smoke in my direction. He does this when angry. My heart is pounding, I am so mad. I opened a few more windows and he closed them. I got up and conceded the space. I told him "you win" and left. He was surprised. I usually am prepared to battle it out so I should be proud, but I am so mad. He wants his space to use his drugs and doesn't want a challenge. I wish I was brave enough to end this marriage. This does not resemble the man I married. I think I might cry. Wait, I may not have any tears left. This sucks.

 

[Personal]

Today was a fight that should have never happened. I want so badly to stop all the fights, to smile together, to be happy. I feel like an deluded teenager who remembers the great dating days. How lovely he was when he adored me and I adored him. We have been together since 2004, married since 2008, two children (boy-9 and girl-6). It is constant instability for us. He is so unhappy and says he has been for years. I delude myself into thinking we can fix it all, but he says it will never work. And we go back and forth about it. We cling to each other for moments (hours or even days) and then another conflict breaks out. I can't help myself from disagreeing with him at times. I can't stay quiet when I have to speak up, especially for the children. (He is a good father but overzealous at times. He seems unbalanced but has so much love for the children. I take it his childhood was chaotic and scary.)

So I am sleeping in our under construction guesthouse. I am away from my children. But it is worth it to be away from the conflict. There is so much to say. I get angry at romantic couples on television. I am so lonely. He says he doesn't want it to be over but he doesn't see any hope for us. He says he wants to be dead. He calls our home Hell. He is so unhappy and needs marijuana and cigarettes to get through the day. I wish he would stop but he is so excitable. We can't talk. He doesn't want counselling. I have gone for me in the past and find that journaling works better. He destroyed my last journal (after I destroyed his marijuana pipe). I wasn't angry but I should have been. I shouldn't have destroyed the pipe, but I hate who he has become over the years. I married a smart, fun man-who had so much life in him. He is now an anxious, angry, critical man. He has become verbally abusive over the years and does acknowledge that it isn't ideal, but doesn't really apologize for it. He isn't always this way but I can't forget the horrible he has said to me. I think he really feels that way all the time.

So here I am, trying to get some levity. I never wanted a divorce but he seems set on it. I am lonely and he scares me sometimes though he isn't physically violent. His toxic venting is pretty painful as it is. I'm not sure what my motivation is here. Just to share. I don't like talking to people in my life about these things. Things aren't easy for us as it is--financially, and I really don't want to give anyone in fodder to judge us. I don't plan on leaving either, though I think I must be fool to stay. I think people go through these things, but don't talk about it? That seems likely. I know this is unhealthy, but I don't have a lot of choices to change things.

 

[Personal]

You did respond to my other thread. I posted two because I am feeling particularly unsettled and am probably missing my journal too much. I am buying a new one today. Very helpful stuff.

We are more than edging to violence. Maybe keeping it at bay usually. There has been punctuated bits of it over the years. I have hit him, I have throw things. Not unprovoked-but I have. That is the reason I do not drink in excess and haven't for years. I am prone to violence.

He has gotten between me and doors, he has thrown things, he has gotten in front of my car when the children were in the car and when they weren't. He pursues, I flee, he stands in the way. That's the old pattern. Now he flees more (to marijuana and cigarettes and alone time).

He doesn't think counselling works. He thinks he can fix it. He says he has friends to talk to--he doesn't very often call people to talk though.

It's easy for my to villainize him but he is suffering. He is also not an unkind person. In fact, he can be very generous with himself and so kind. We are very different but I can see how wonderful he can be at times still. Unfortunately, I have become adverse to his suffering. His crying doesn't bother me and I am not sympathetic. I think my heart is hard to him because there have been so many years of pain. I feel uncared for and so I have a difficult time caring for him. It may be much easier to leave the mess and make a home in another relationship. Things can get so toxic (yes) and tangled that it is easy to do something else with someone else. I am very attached to this relationship. It is the one of my children and that matters to me. I am considering emotional separation while married. That is the unhappy default anyway. We both long for closeness, however. Then we attempt to get close, have a conflict, there is chaos. What a mess.

 

[Personal]

I may be asking for it, but maybe someone is willing to help me understand this. With all the years of conflict I should understand by now, but I can't help but doubt his perceptions. Here is the gist: My husband of fourteen years is at wits-end with our relationship. I am pretty confident he hasn't cheated. I haven't (though he believes I had an emotional affair two years ago with a gay male work colleague). This affected him greatly at the time and still does, as he thought I would never do that. He is unemployed by choice for six years (attempting to build a different life while I work and he cares for our two school-aged children). We have terrible communication (different love languages and almost at time literal languages--we are just so different). We can't seem to talk about our problems without arguing. He frequently becomes overwhelmed--what I would call emotional flooding--during our interactions. He relies on cigarettes and marijuana to deal with our relationship stress and the family stress. He says he wants to stop smoking cigarettes, but not marijuana. He was not a smoker at all when we married. He is prone to angry outbursts, has being verbally abusive to myself and borderline physical abusive, but generally knows he couldn't get away with it. I am not one to hold my tongue when he is aggressive, but I try to deescalate and call it out. He says he wants to move back to our home state, get his old job, and separate/divorce. I refuse divorce and claim I will make it difficult, but in reality I am all talk (I think). I simply won't concede a divorce. He has said I am keeping him against his will, then he tried to leave and came back, and he says he wants to stay married but doesn't like the conflict. (Neither do I.) It seems every time a problem happens he goes into crisis mode and wants to die (though he refuses that he is actually suicidal). This seems like catastrophic thinking to me. I wish he would level out and be positive. I think we can make it work and just stay calm. There is attraction, history, a family on our side.

What do you think? Is he crazy? Am I cruel? He thinks I am a narcissist that stays with him to watch him suffer. Really, we got together when we were so young, I never considered divorce, and I want my family to be together. I am afraid of letting him go and being alone. Seeing him happy with someone else. Getting with someone else and developing the same problems. Missing him.

I should also say that I am at wits-end with him too. He is frequently critical, seems to always be unhappy, doesn't provide much positive feedback about good behavior. I feel like he is always unhappy with me. I feel unsupported, lonely, sad. I try to stay positive and put one foot in front of the other. It can be very hard at times.

Laurentium, your words don't seem uncaring. There are not many other major complications (no drug use on my part, no infidelity on both parts, no other addictions). But the frequent damage we do to each other with the constant conflict is damaging us and the children. I know that is why he feels hopeless about it all.

He pushed hard for the decision to move and change. He says now he wasn't "going to make" there and was headed downward, though I don't know what he means. I was amenable to the change, but it has been so hard and I was naïve. He was the breadwinner before and my career was non-existent (mostly because I am somewhat directionless job-wise.) I have a degree but was unsure about what I wanted to do long-term. Basically I've diagnosed myself as insecure and lacking internal sense of control. Not uncaring but directionless perhaps. I cared for the children at home as I was not as active in the workforce before children. My job was low paying and I loved being there for my children. I think it was invaluable to them, but he is critical to this day about how I raised the children. Says I was too easy-going/lacking structure. He gave up his teaching job, cashed in his retirement to move after becoming disillusioned about government, the world, etc. I suppose this is other most complicating factor, actually. He really has become much more cynical since our youth. I can understand the perspective, but don't go in for the doom and gloom approach. I believe one should attempt to bring joy and hope to each day it able.

The flooding is a product of anxiety I think. I come from a legacy of codependency. My father had addiction issue (though functional and hidden from the family), my mother was codependent. There are a lot of issues on my mother's side (abuse, addiction, severe poverty). I know I have inherited traits of codependency. I did CODA for years and NARANON earlier on. It helped and I try to be aware of myself. I think early in the relationship my control patterns and abandonment issues scarred him, and he has suffered under them. I am sure I still do these things but not to the extent he fears.

Based on my mood, I attempt to deescalate the verbal abuse/verbal heat by asking for calming time, asking what is wrong, separating, not talking about issues when we're emotional, etc. I also, especially when he is heated around the children, call out the behavior to give them the words of it. I know they are young and can not discern healthy from unhealthy yet, but I hope seeing someone not afraid to stand up for themselves, giving the words and labelling the behaviors will help them to understand what is happening later. I also hope it will help him understand what is not okay. He doesn't seem to get it and I can only think his home was so much worse. I really hold a lot of resentment that this has become my family's functional pattern. My home was never this chaotic despite all the issues, and I think it's someone else's legacy that is becoming my children's legacy.

I see a lot about not clinging to this marriage. I do think that is what I am doing. Some of the reasons are good and some are not. Insecurity, fear of the future, history, nostalgia. I am also old fashioned, believing that intact families are ideal, don't want to be away from my children (even with equal custody). I retain hope that we will find each other again. We dated four years. We were so sweet at times. I am just entering middle age. I want to start a new and hopefully long career that will be fulfilling until retirement. I don't really want to find someone new to have more problems with. But if I did, I think I may have a better handle on the personality type that would suit me better now.

This is how I feel. Stuck in the idea that intact is best. I have hope for a healthy family and haven't been able to unsee that. For now I will stay. I ask myself if he became physical would I stay? I hope not but I have put up with more than I ever thought was possible. I don't know what my children will tell me when they are older. I hope they are kind in their evaluation of us--but they do deserve better. I feel like leaving would show them how you should value yourself over a relationship, but I haven't been able to even come close to doing it. I can imagine feeling this way in decades and wishing I hadn't waited. Now could be a time to seek another relationship that could be healthier for my older age. Something more compatible.

Well if you put it like that....

It is more nuanced--as life is. I wasn't going to reply as the framing is so negative and I don't want to encourage it. I do see your points but there is more involved than you know, so I'll forgive the heavy-handed arm-chair diagnosis you are so eager to give. That said, I'm not sure what you have been through. Just saying, more sensitivity would be appreciated as I didn't come here to be ranted at.

I am codependent. I sought help for years and know it is a perpetual problem to manage. That said, he does lots for us all--except work. He homeschools with almost no help from me--and does a pretty good job. He shops, he cleans, he cooks, he promotes family together time, he asks for time with me sometimes--he is not a bum. He was ambitious once. He graduated with honors from college, is very smart, and provided for our family for 12 years. Consistently.

This relationship can be unhealthy, I can be codependent, so can he, he can abuse marijuana, and he can also be all those things. Now, do I like the pot? Absolutely not. I think he has gone downhill since starting, but he still does all the things I mentioned. Consistently. Am I enabling him? Probably. He did cash in his retirement for this move, as he thought it was unsafe where is was and was expecting economic turmoil (six years ago). We have been living off that and my income for a few years.

We both seem to deal with our anger poorly. Him more so than me. I imagine his examples were pretty bad growing up. His family is very troubled and none function well. Something I wish I had understood better before we married: his family history and what that meant for our family history. I don't want to give up on this. I'm stupid and stubborn about it. The consistent failure is devastating for him. I continue to live in La La Land.

I am thinking of separating myself for awhile during sleeping times and throughout the day. To allow for the emotion to cool and us to heal and talk slowly. From a different perspective I should be able see a bit better what to do.

I do feel this sadly true. I loved him so much when we dated. Quirky, funny, kind, silly, smart, handsome, industrious. He is still a lot of those things but sadder. He has lost his spark of life. He is depressed and cynical. I miss what we had and what he was. I keep thinking he will be that person again, but he doesn't share himself with me. I was aggressively controlling when we married. I made a lot of mistakes. I still make them sometimes. We also don't some really important values. Such as health goals/attitudes, personality tendencies, etc. It makes it interesting at best and impossible at worst.

This is the question I ask myself. He says he does love, but he flips back and forth to wanting a divorce. Not a separation-a divorce. It seems very impulsive to me. If he really wants to be apart forever, why not try a separation first? It seems prudent to me. I think I am going to try a physical separation of living apart on the same property and sharing time with the family during meals, etc. I have been doing so a bit and my life is much more peaceful.

In the pragmatic sense, I do just have a childminder. In my hopes, a fulfilling and peaceful relationship that isn't ever achievable for us. I keep wanting that and being hurt by the disappointment of it blowing up in my face. There is no other guy, there are no plans to leave, there is a dream of us making it better and finding a flow we can come back to over the years until we aren't anymore. But there is no peace here. The communication always fails. We are emotional and hurt. We are both letdown from what we hoped to get from our relationship. I just want the closeness we once seemed to have. He says he was trying to please me back then and won't go back to that space. That's fair. We are older and hopefully wiser. So where is the middle ground? I think we are too wounded to find it. I am defensive and impulsive. I lack knowledge of myself. He remembers every wound and can cite the scars. He is anxious and cold.

When a dialogue starts, it is hopeful, but degrades. Even is it doesn't degrade, which is more common lately, there is not much ground achieved due to the language barrier (very difficult to get on same page). I think it we can keep calm and continue work, we can get there. He gets highly emotional and dramatic when communication fails. I think he has run out of steam to try.

Since you keep starting new discussions talking about the same thing. It makes it easier for it all to be together.

 

[Peering_Within]

Since you keep starting new discussions talking about the same thing. It makes it easier for it all to be together.

Since you keep starting new discussions talking about the same thing. It makes it easier for it all to be together.

Sure. I'm not running or trying to be confusing. I'm spinning..everything is spinning. Sure. Put it together. I surely can't figure it out.

 

[Peering_Within]

Since you keep starting new discussions talking about the same thing. It makes it easier for it all to be together.

You're the second to remark on multiple posts. Is there a rule? A guideline?

 

[Diana7]

I couldn't live with a druggie.What a terrible example he is setting the children.

 

[Peering_Within]

I couldn't live with a druggie.What a terrible example he is setting the children.

Never smoked before marriage, started a daily habit in year two of marriage maybe. Doesn't smoke in front of them or around them, but they can smell it and see it if they look. Says it helps with anxiety. I'm sure it does. And reality too. I think he is a very weak person indeed for relying on it and running to it. He is so much less than he was.

 

[Laurentium]

You're the second to remark on multiple posts. Is there a rule? A guideline?

It's generally a good idea not to start multiple threads on the same topic. You'll get people replying who haven't seen the whole picture. Make it easy for us. If in doubt, ask an admin. Don't keep pressing the "new thread" button.

 

[ShatteredKat]

You write:

I wish I was brave enough to end this marriage.


It is up to you to make a change. "Men" (not one really other than gender) like your Doofus spouse won't change till the pain is much greater than what constitutes his current life.

Also, drug use (including alcohol) is not an essential part of life.

Why do you put up with his abuse. "for the children" - that is a crippled persons excuse. Staying in an abusive
situation is teaching by example what to accept. Not good. . .

 

[UpsideDownWorld11]

If he is set on divorce then I think you need to stop fighting it. You obviously don't get along and he wants out, not sure what you are trying to save. But why hasn't he filed yet, it's not like he needs your permission?

I think you first need to accept its over. A toxic relationship is bad for your kids and both of your mental health. I'm generally against divorce, but maybe you both would coparent better together...

 

[theloveofmylife]

You're the second to remark on multiple posts. Is there a rule? A guideline?

Just add new posts to your original discussion instead of creating new discussions. It's easier for people to keep up.

 

[*Deidre*]

I think it’s good that you’re getting this out on here, OP. I replied to your other thread yesterday but maybe discussing with objective strangers will help you see that you’re not wrong to feel like you do. You’ve been in a dysfunctional relationship for so long, you’re finally aware of all you’ve accepted. That can be overwhelming!

Keep believing that what you’re in isn’t healthy and work to move forward, not backwards. It’s easy to stay in the familiar no matter how bad it is, but moving into the unknown can be scary. But I promise you, a better healthier life is out there for you if you want it.

 

[ThatDarnGuy!]

Never smoked before marriage, started a daily habit in year two of marriage maybe. Doesn't smoke in front of them or around them, but they can smell it and see it if they look. Says it helps with anxiety. I'm sure it does. And reality too. I think he is a very weak person indeed for relying on it and running to it. He is so much less than he was.

If they can smell it and see it, then he is using around them. And it's alarming that you think his pot smoking is helping him. The behaviors you are seeing are most likely from him coming down from his high and becoming agitated. He will need more and more to continue that high. I have stated this before. But everyone I have known from high school, coworkers, family, etc who are regular users suffer from either/both physical and mental issues that include agitation, depression, anxiety, slower thinking, and little motivation to do anything but smoke.

Unless you set an ultimatum that he seek help for his drug usage along with proper help for anxiety/depression. Then you might as well quit seeking advice and learn to live with what he is now.

I don't think you are a bad person. But I feel like you are in denial about the situation and are terrified that there is no one else out there for you. I strongly urge you to seek help with a counselor so you can get a better grip on the reality of your situation.

 

[LisaDiane]

You didn't write the beginning of the story...why did he go outside while you "spent late-night time with our kiddos"...? And what did he mean by you were "aggressive in taking over the space"?

THIS is why you need to fully separate, not separate on the property. You still have no space from eachother. You continue to harm and tear eachother down. By remaining together you are only building the toxic feelings between you, you aren't repairing or healing anything.

Where is the love? Where is the care or respect? Neither of you have any for the other. And you are not a "victim" of him, your stubbornness is keeping you both in a place that is damaging your whole family...for what?? Because you still believe there is hope?

There is NO hope of change when no one is willing TO change. You will never have peace or happiness if you insist on staying in a contentious, miserable relationship.

 

[Peering_Within]

If they can smell it and see it, then he is using around them. And it's alarming that you think his pot smoking is helping him. The behaviors you are seeing are most likely from him coming down from his high and becoming agitated. He will need more and more to continue that high. I have stated this before. But everyone I have known from high school, coworkers, family, etc who are regular users suffer from either/both physical and mental issues that include agitation, depression, anxiety, slower thinking, and little motivation to do anything but smoke.

Unless you set an ultimatum that he seek help for his drug usage along with proper help for anxiety/depression. Then you might as well quit seeking advice and learn to live with what he is now.

I don't think you are a bad person. But I feel like you are in denial about the situation and are terrified that there is no one else out there for you. I strongly urge you to seek help with a counselor so you can get a better grip on the reality of your situation.

I am afraid of being alone and starting over. I am just 40 and not unhealthy, nor unattractive. I am sure I might meet someone eventually and know it would be best to not rush into anything. However, I do not want to develop the same issues in a new relationship. I think that is probably pretty common. I can't help but ask myself, did I make this man like this? In some way. Abusive, cruel at times? I'm sure I had some part in what's happened.

I don't think that I make him smoke pot or cigarettes. That is his choice. I don't actually think it is helping him. That was sarcasm, because he so strong believes he is better with it. I haven't been able to find any research studies on this, but I do think he is suffering psychological from the use. His thinking has become more deviant over the years since the use started. He has also developed an anger issue that wasn't present for four years during our dating/courting. He has a tremor in his hand and cites nerve issues (phantom pains), but he is also aging. I think his anger problem is deeply related to his use. He rages (screams), viscously verbally attacks me at times, has a brooding/obsessive mentality and fixates on simple interactions that he is displeased with for hours. So much that he will be worked up at all hours and not allow me to sleep, due to his desire to 'discuss' something. I drove away just last week in a blurry eyed-state to the gas station down the road at 1 am to avoid a verbal accosting. It is ridiculous the way he acts. He rarely apologizes for these things.

I went to the ENT yesterday for ear issues that have come up (muffled hearing) and he wasn't able to diagnose, but point to likely stress-induced TMJ/TMD issues. Clenching my jaw... This relationship is making me sick.

 

[Peering_Within]

Thank you posters for the kindness and support. I know the truth of what is being said. The place we are in is not good and it is hurting everyone. The children are the innocent victims of our issues. I am stubborn and stupidly moving forward here. A lot of it has to do with fear. I have always been insecure. My husband tells me I am beautiful, I have come to realize I am attractive and have a lot to offer, but the feelings of abandonment were so visceral in my youth. It was paramount to death as a young woman and I couldn't explain why I clung to my other serious relationship in my 20's when things feel apart for legitimate reasons. (Proof-reading this explains it: because I cling he can act any way he pleases--I'm not going to leave or let him leave. So I'm a doormat. An angry one too.)

I know many other people would have quit this marriage a long time ago. I think the reality of divorce and co-parenting likely has a misery to it. I have only once been away from my children for a significant amount of time (about a week last year). It was manageable but I dread the thought that they would regularly be away and I have worries about my husband's influence. He is fairly competent at caring for them, with the occasional excellent at caring for them. He also has anger issues that are untreated and largely unrecognized. I have considered separation merely to create a safe-space for them from him. Somewhere away from the critical, demanding man he can be with them.

I don't know. I have really lost myself here. I'm pretty mild-mannered in the everyday, but that man has a way to make my blood boil. I definitely have a temper but it is pretty dormant normally. You might say my shadow is not integrated (Carl Jung).

 

[Peering_Within]

Somewhere along the line you are digging this and getting off on it.

I will paraphrase but one of the things Richard Cooper says in his Red Pill material is - “ you can do anything to a woman that is attracted to you. You can treat her like a wh0re in bed, you can cheat on her, you can abuse her, you can kick her cat etc and she will cling to you.... but the one thing you can never do is bore her.”

Some people are addicted to the drama.

All this high-energy scenario may be toxic and disturbing and dysfunctional,, but it is stimulation and a rush of high emotion nonetheless.

A part of you is thriving and drawing energy from all this chaos. You are feeding off of it.

That demon inside of you that thrives on energy and raw emotion grows stronger each time you have one of these conflicts.

It follows a cycle, you have the big blow up with fireworks and drama. You have something of an emotional orgasm and that hits the reset button and you have something of an afterglow and emotional refractory period of relative calm for awhile ........

.....and then the tension starts to build again.

And the beast that hungers for emotional energy grows hungry again.

Rinse and repeat.

The problem is this is toxic and harmful and unsustainable.

You’ll likely need professional therapy to learn why you dig this and why you have a beast inside you that feeds and grows on drama and chaos and pain.

And you need therapy to learn to break the cycle and find healthy ways of resolving challenges so you don’t self destruct and permanently damage your children.

I will take the suggestions and stay in one post. It is probably passive aggressive to make it this post (considering the title). Thank you again, Personal (username), for collecting my posts and putting them here. I am not sure how to contact Admin to request a merge of three posts and I am having some guilt for emoting all over the place. I am being humorous, but really mean that. I am a mess. I suppose when I am feeling this way I reach out and grab at anything. I have been this close to running away from forum site this due to some of callousness I have seen toward myself and others (occasionally) on here. I get that people have seen and been through it all. I get that we can't take ourselves too seriously. I do think most people are here to help and be helped, even if that help is sometimes just comradery in sadness or anger.

I have been thinking about this response Oldshirt. I know this has to be true. Why do I stay when it is so bad? I have driven away with my children and cried on a roadside. I have taken us (kids and me) spontaneously to the beach with no equipment or socks for myself (we stopped and went shopping) because I was fleeing a rage-attack. I have called the domestic violence hotline. I have cried and been depressed. I never wanted to be here but here I am.

I don't know if it's the drama. I don't think so. I think it is the connection. We are so lacking in healthy connection, I long for any connection. That was what I wanted so much as a young woman. I was so lacking in personal worth and self-esteem that I used promiscuity as a way to find that connection. But of course, this doesn't work, because sex isn't a lasting connection. I think when we found each other we both wanted to be connected so badly. We clung to each other. I loved that. He wanted me and I wanted him. We have wanted each other less and less over the years.

 

[DownByTheRiver]

I am in the process of trying to find my bearings in a toxic marriage. I have not given up hope for a better relationship and I want to keep my family intact (two children). My blood is boiling right now. I am attempting to separate myself from him physically at night--sleeping in a different building at our home. It isn't very comfortable, but I prefer it to being around the chaotic toxicity that we create. I spent late-night time with our kiddos after a pretty peaceful day (and sleeping in the other building for the last two nights). I went out there to resume sleeping out there and he was there smoking pot and cigarettes--inside the building with the window cracked. It is a building that we share as a family and there have been many discussions and agreements to smoke outside and "out the window" (dumb). He just doesn't care when no one is around and doesn't respect the rules we have decided upon. (!) I complained and asked him to be respectful. I also told him I needed the space. He refused and asked me to leave. He said he intended to use it to sleep. I told him this was always my plan and I had been there two nights already. He was watching YouTube loudly and smoking pot and that is his MO (until all hours). He claimed I was aggressive in "taking over the space". He then got up and lit a cigarette, half out of the door. As we discussed who would stay and I refused to leave but said he could stay if he turned the volume down and smoked outside, he closed the door and came in to smoke. I opened the door and he closed it again claiming he did not want to be cold. He continued to smoke and even seemed to blow smoke in my direction. He does this when angry. My heart is pounding, I am so mad. I opened a few more windows and he closed them. I got up and conceded the space. I told him "you win" and left. He was surprised. I usually am prepared to battle it out so I should be proud, but I am so mad. He wants his space to use his drugs and doesn't want a challenge. I wish I was brave enough to end this marriage. This does not resemble the man I married. I think I might cry. Wait, I may not have any tears left. This sucks.

He is acting like a belligerant child just trying to block you from anything you do. Why ARE you still with him? Do you need to be for some reason? Do you think he's mature enough to respond to marriage counseling, rehab, etc? If not, this is what you're stuck with and it will get worse instead of better.

 

[Peering_Within]

Fudge. I am a mess. I am sitting here, him out in our other building. I am angry because he successfully drove me away last night. I have things to do--home and family things-but I have no drive. I want to punish him with looks and words for being such a cad last night. I also want to be a stone and show no love, no sadness, no anger. He has no caring for me or what I need. He has no respect for rules we decide together. This is our anniversary month and it is always painful. A painful reminder.

We have a concert and night away together to this Sat/Sun. An attempt at a normal life on my part and not wallowing. These types of things are always my doing (soccer for kids, attending church again, trips for summer, weekends away). I feel so unappreciated. I have decided to go even if things here fall apart. It would be depressing to go alone but I decided sometime ago to not let the drama of him/us keep me from healthy and happy experiences. I would love to partake in relationship benefits (closeness/sex/romance) but if seems forced or dishonest. He doesn't want to go but says he will. He says he is anxious about it. No doubt.

I keep thinking he has negative expectations about the interactions, so they go bad. He comes up with wild conclusions. I never loved him, I stay to keep him unhappy and torture him, I am a narcissist, I married him for the money (teacher salary)...so many more. It's pretty simple. I dug him, it was fun and hot, he clicked the right buttons in me (probably a dysfunctional one in there too--as we both have checkered family pasts). We married and lived unhappily ever after.