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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
A few months ago I discovered that my husband had been looking at porn on the Internet. We have been married for 11 years and have two young children. Over the past two years we have been more like roommates than husband and wife. When I asked him about it, he was very ashamed and embarrassed. He told me it was something a friend had told him about and he was curious. And that maybe the curiosity had become a habit. I cried for days. Over the next few days we talked more, he told me he was sorry, he never meant to hurt me and that it was probably the worst thing he had ever done. He said he would stop, and he has. After crying myself to sleep night after night, I went to talk to a Psychologist (I had seen him before for a fear of bridges) The Dr. was a big help, but he could only do so much, because my husband wasn't with me. That night I told my husband about the Dr, and that he said this could be the beginning of the end for us, or an opportunity to reconnect with each other. My husband told me over and over he did not want to divorce, and that we would work this out. Well we haven't talked about it since, I think I somehow felt bad for him and even though I still had questions, I let it go.
Since then our relationship is much, much better. Making time for each other, and the sex is back in action, in fact he is getting a vasectomy in two weeks. In fact he told me the other night out to dinner that he hasn't been this happy in a long time. So why am I telling you this, because it still really bothers me. I don't think about it every single day, but enough. I just can't understand why he would do that. I think he had been looking at the porn for about two years ! I tried to talk to him the other night, and well he "didn't want to re-live it" so the conversation went nowhere and I still have this sinking feeling every time I think of it. What now...I'm not sure this feeling will ever go away!
 

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If the relationship is healthy and at a place you like why would you bother to doom yourself. So many people let fear get the best of them and they drive at fixing something not broken that they actually cause the very problem they worried about.

draconis
 

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I will get up on my soap box again and point out that this is a perfect example of the effect porn can have on a marriage. I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I made a similar mistake a couple of years ago and it definitely hurt my marriage. There where other issues also but the porn had an impact. For those of you out there who are engaged in using pornography, think about what it could do to your spouse’s feelings. If they have self confidence issues about their looks or weight, finding out will exacerbate them. It could leave them feeling unloved and undesired. Your spouse may also wonder what you are bringing to the bed with you when you are making love. Who or what you may have seen on line that you are thinking about when you make love to them. Put yourself in their place and how you’d feel if they did the same to you. I don’t know if I can classify the use of porn as “cheating” but it can definitely hurt your spouse and that is wrong in any form. I am not a prude or holy-roller by any stretch but I do believe that making love is supposed to be between two loving people in a committed relationship. Not something to be filmed for the almighty dollar and the entertainment of others. Porn hurts lots of people. The young man or woman at a college party that gets drunk and does something stupid while some perv videos it and sells it online for a hundred bucks. It will no doubt be an act they will regret for the rest of their lives. The porn industry uses people then tosses them aside like a used condom when they have served their purposes. It pollutes the minds of our young people and desensitizes them to what making love is all about. It sets unobtainable expectations for them in choosing a mate and partner. It exposes them to acts of violence, incest and rape and presents it as “normal”. It is a pollutant in our moral fiber and it is available 24X7 in virtually every home in America. Some on this forum will disagree with me that it isn’t just a trivial “release” for someone to engage in, that’s fine. But here is a classic example of how it can hurt a marriage and unfortunately I had to learn this lesson the hard way.

Beechnut, this can get better for you but it will take time. Make sure he understands just how much this hurt you. Explain how you felt when you found out. He needs to understand your pain in order to make sure he doesn’t falter. You will need to regain trust and find forgiveness for him in order to move on in the relationship. If you can both do these things then things will improve and your marriage can be a wonderful thing again. Good luck to you both.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
If the relationship is healthy and at a place you like why would you bother to doom yourself.
draconis
You have a point, Its not broken anymore, so why try and fix it again. Well, I really tried that and I still just can't get it out of my head. Maybe time is the only cure. I know he loves me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Make sure he understands just how much this hurt you. You will need to regain trust and find forgiveness for him in order to move on in the relationship.
When it first happened, I'm sure he knew how much it hurt me. But I don't think he really understands that it still hurts.
I thought I had forgiven him, but maybe I haven't completely...how am I to go about doing that exactly? And yes trust is kind of an issue, I check the computer history and cell phone, but nothing is going on. Thats good, but I can't go on like this forever. I'm hesitant to say anything again because my last try didn't go so well. But that time I was looking for answers from him, and maybe this time I should just let him know how I'm feeling, without really coming down him, and see how that works. I have found that if I wait until we are doing some kind of task together, the dishes, or folding clothes after the kids are in bed, that in fact he is much more responsive than a one on one sit down. I'll just have to wait for the right time.
 

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If he's not doing it anymore, then take it at face value. He was curious about it and he got sucked in for a short time. He was not happy either from the sounds of it when he was surfing the porn.

Maybe what you need to do is take a look at it from a different perspecitve. Yes, he did it. Yes, it hurt you. Yes, he knows it. Yes, he stopped doing it. Therefore, he loves you enough that he respects how it made you feel and no realizes the negitive impact it had on the marriage. He's not likely to do it again.

As humans, we all make mistakes. He owned up to it, dealt with the hurt feelings and worked to get your relationship back to where it is once again healthy and happy. What more does that man need to do?

I know how it makes you feel, my husband looks at porn all the time and nothing I say is helping. He doesn't seem to care about me enough to not do it anymore, so it's time to for me to lay down some ultimatums....and I really hate that....but I guess my point is, that if he quit tomorrow and started working on us, I would not have an issue with what he did. It's a hurt you'll always remember...but don't let it destroy your lives. Put it in it's proper place, and I know you said trust was an issue. Stop checking the computer and his cell phone. He's got to have the opportunity to earn your trust again.
 

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hey Beechnut, how are you? try and "change" the bad thought with a good thought and that will dstract you from pondering on what happened. you can't change the past and i'm sorry that it happened to you. i don't think he had any idea what it would do to you. i also think he is really sorry and that he stopped. it will take time to get over that feeling you are describing. make the best of your future together!!
 

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Beechnut...Have you ever been curious? Did you ever to to think to watch porn WITH your husband? Have you ever done any dress up? Role playing? All this can add to a marriage.

Some people may think I am crazy or what have you, But many women watch porn or they are interested in watching it, but feel ashamed.

My wife was not into porn, I can take it or leave it. But one day I received a catalogue in the mail of porn, so I handed it to my wife and told her to go through it and cirlcle what she would be interested in watching with me. Of OCurse I thought it would end up in the garbage...I was wrong, she circled a few. I asked if she was serious, she said sure why not....next thing you know I am a hormonal lunatic on the net ordering the dvd's for our viewing pleasure. The turn on for me was not the movie itself, but that my wife was there with me watching it....I couldn't keep my hands off of her, we watch it once in a blue moon because she is not really into it, but she knows I am thrilled when she does watch it and I only do so with her, just more erotic that way.

We also do some role playing, you know Naughty Nurse, School Girl, french maid, there is a web site called 3 wishes has a ton of sexy costumes for women, we order from there.

we often do Photo shoots of her in an outfit with her stripping for me, all for me personally. Complete turn on for me, and she loves how turned on I get. Plus it's fun, she is my "playboy" model. We even made our own "movies" of all the movies I love to watch...it's my wife in the school girl outfit! VERY HOT! (because she is my wife)

Now my wife is a professional person and very reserved outside of the house. There is an old saying, " men want their women to be ladies outside of the house, and a naughty girl in the bedroom"

Maybe you should try something special one night, once my wife got the idea that yea I like to be a bit naughty, but it all centers around her, that turned her on.

As much as women like romance, guys like a little naughtieness, and trust me when I say, we would prefer our wives being naughty with us then some movie. Let him come home one day to Beechnut the naughty school girl who needs a spanking.....He will LOVE it and treasure it.

One time my wife surprised me so good I almost passed out, I had to beg her to stop......god that was awesome.

It will be magical for both of you, just need to leave the insecurities at the door, and play the role, and you will find a new and exciting world for both of you.

Also something good....Go out to dinner with him, where a sexy yet classy dress....while at dinner, whisper into his ear.....Honey, I have no panties on....then wink at him. I guarentee, he will be in a cold sweat, eating fast, loss of breathe.....heart racing with the possibilites.....

you see the male mind is a funny thing.....tease us...and we are all yours, like putty, I little naughtyness goes a long way....

I can't wait for our next adventure....:smthumbup:
 

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You know I have never understood how someone can say that their spouse watching porn makes them insecure or feeds their insecurities..

And individual feeds their insecurities. They take what they see and perceive it the way they want to. Insecurities are just that, something inside you that YOU feel, not something inside you that someone else makes you feel.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
What? I don't completely agree with you. People do create their own insecurities, but having a husband look at porn girls, not just once or twice but again and again, and almost never wanting sex is NOT going to make me feel good about myself. He did not give me my insecurities, but he did nothing to help them either. Sounds like you've never been hurt, or just won’t admit to it.
 

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Nah, I have been hurt plenty in my life, in 15 yrs of marriage a 4 kids later...But one thing I have learned fromt that is that getting insecure about a porn image is useless. If he is coming to you and still desires you then there is nothing to be insecure about.

However, I went back an re-read your post and only in one spot did you mention anything about the sex being non existant and it only said "the sex is back in action"..

Now if he is looking at porn and withholding from you, then yes it is wrong and you have every right to be hurt and emotional about it.

Porn can be healthy within a marriage as long as it is not replacing the other spouse. I said that in another thread also.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
If he's not doing it anymore, then take it at face value. He was curious about it and he got sucked in for a short time. He was not happy either from the sounds of it when he was surfing the porn.

You are right! I should take it at face value, but when you say he was sucked in for a short time, two years is not a short time to me, but maybe he just couldn't get out of the habit, whatever, it has stopped and that’s what’s important. I still have a hard time with the fact that when all this came out in the open and I asked him why he continued to look at it, he couldn't come up with an answer better than I don't know why. We had a conversation about a year ago, I told him I was not happy with our marriage and he sat right in front of me and told me he was.....well now we all know that he was into the porn thing at the time. Why didn't he say something to me when I gave him the chance? How could he have been looking at porn in our house for so long, makes me think he is kind of sneaky. Oh here I go again, see it just keeps coming back. But these are things I will never gat an answer for so I should stop asking. And to tell you the truth, Its not such a big deal anymore, and in time, with making new memories together I may not think about it at all. Thanks for your help.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Now if he is looking at porn and withholding from you, then yes it is wrong and you have every right to be hurt and emotional about it.
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Yeah, sorry about that, I should have made it clearer. The sex did dry up there for a while, a long while. Now I know that I should have tried harder to find out why. So when I found out about the porn, and looked back at our non sex life, well now you know how I felt. Our sex life is great, much better and with every week even better than before. It’s almost like we had to get comfortable with each other again. Anyway.....just one thing. I feel like I'm always the one to make a pass at him. A week went by and no advances from him, until finally I gave in and made the first move. This is not helping my confidence. I told him a while ago, just as nice as I could without coming at him with daggers that I was still kind of hurt, and that my confidence was shot. I didn't want to go on like that, afraid it would effect us is some way, and could he help. You know with little everyday affections. He thought for a few minutes, and then told me he thought I was right, he wasn't giving me any TLC and he would try to pay more attention to me. Great! Well guess what....no change. I still just get the good-bye kiss in the morning and the I'm home from work kiss. Both usually just a peck. No complements ever, He has never been big on that, but isn’t this a time when we try a little harder? Now, when I see that maybe the kids are getting on his nerves, he’s had a hard day at work, or we have a few minutes, the kids are playing outside, I'll hug on him, kiss him, flirt with him, its fun. He is receptive and responds to me, but never does this to me. Any thoughts?
 

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I felt the same way as you when I discovered porn on my husband's computer. He also had trouble talking about it with me, I think because he was embarrassed and taught it was wrong but on the other hand knows many men do it so he was able to justify it as normal as long as no one found out. I ended up doing a lot of research online, and was able to talk more with him about what I found and am now at peace with it (I really have no feelings of insecurity about it anymore) so will share with you my experience if it might help you in any way. I know there are very strong opinions on the subject but what I did find pretty consistently was that men are genetically wired to mate with as many women as possible (as other animals) so it is somewhat natural for them to look at women and imagine them sexually. Ok, so that was hard for me to read, but I did find it in several places, so just took it as fact. There were also several articles that stated that men used porn to satisfy these sexual urges either because their sex drive is higher than their spouses or they are highly stressed and masturbating to porn doesn't require them to satisfy anyone's needs but their own (selfish, yes)...and it took care of the natural urges WITHOUT actually being with another woman or making actual contact with other women in sex chat rooms, etc. BECAUSE they are attracted to their spouse and do love them and have no intention of cheating or wanting someone other than their wife. Then I had somewhat of a revelation. I asked my husband "So does that mean when a guy checks me out or eyes me up and down a certain way, he's thinking about sex?" and he smiled and said "Probably"...cool...that's an ego boost then...I've been reading books trying to learn about men and am finding that for being 45 married and 3 kids, I'm pretty naive! I just thought they liked my outfit or something...not trying to picture me without it ;) As far as him showing affection/flirting it sounds more like that's his personality and it's not natural for him...I can see why that can be frustrating for you. I read the 5 love languages and bought my husband the audio book...it did help to enlighten us both because while we both loved each other neither of us felt it from the other for a while so it really made us both put a conscious effort into making sure the other knows they are loved and appreciated in whatever way they respond to in order to feel loved. He may be showing his love for you in other ways (helping around the house, etc.) that you may not be responding to. I think talking about how you feel would be great...I still have difficult conversations with my husband but have told him up front that I don't enjoy talking about these things and I certainly don't do it to punish him and I know he doesn't like these discussions but I really want to clear my head. Part of these talks always end up about how great things are now and he knows I'm looking forward. I really make sure not to put him on the defensive when we talk. JMHO and experience.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Wow..you do know how I feel! I agree with everything you've said. I have read a lot about it too, and have found the same things as you. I really think my husband was highly stressed, at work and at home,so cranky all the time, I was super stressed with these kids and well probably wasn't a whole lot of fun to be around either, so porn was his solution. And I've got to tell you, since all this has come out in the open; the cranky man has gone away. Maybe in some way he is relieved that he doesn’t have to hide his dirty little secret anymore...maybe? Okay so enough already...he didn't set out to hurt me, and he is truly sorry that he did, let’s move on, the end. So now about this everyday affection thing I was complaining about. I think you are right that it just isn't in his personality, and it is so frustrating. He is very receptive to my affection, so I'm going to just calm down about the whole thing. And he does show his love in other ways, I feel foolish, but I had forgotten about all the times he'll bring me a drink, asks me if I want a blanket, carries the groceries in for me. And the biggest one of all, a vasectomy (Scheduled for next week) for a guy who hates the dentist !! But he told me he felt like it was the right thing to do and didn't want me to have to have major surgery (tubes tied) so there you have it. And then I got to thinking, it’s not fair for me to want him to show affection the same way I do...he's not me. Ah-ha now I'm starting to get it! But...why are his advances for sex so few? I know during the week he is tired at the end of the day, but come on, what man is too tired for sex? Its not like he doesn't have the opportunity, we share the same bed. And, plenty of times I come to bed just a few minutes after him, and no acknowledgement from him that I'm there, not even a hug goodnight...now whats up with that? Do I just want too much? Thank you Swedish for your reply....what a huge help.
 

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major points to him....my ex would not get a vasectomy (he almost fainted when we got blood tests together before we got married) so I did get my tubes tied and have had female problems ever since :( Just another spin on showing love to one another...the back of the book we read had a quiz that ranked how we felt loved (physical touch, acts of service, words, gifts, etc) so if he ranked something different it creates an opportunity to consciously cater to that...in other words, if you know your husband shows he loves you by acts of service (bringing you a drink, blanket) he would respond very well if you did those types of things for him and vice-versa. As far as sex, I don't think either of you are in the wrong, maybe just have different sex drives which can fluctuate from time to time. My husband and I are both quite active in that area right now, but there are times where the thought of a long drawn out foreplay session etc. just sounds like too much so we mix it up...sometimes just a quickie or one-sided deal. It's probably worth just talking to him about how often he would want it, ideally, and are there times when he does but doesn't have the energy for more than a quickie...maybe someone should invent some underwear like I used to have when I was young with the days of the week, but instead they say 'quickie' 'too darn tired today' 'ready to go all night' 'just please me' 'just please you'...lol i crack myself up...so neither spouse would have to worry about possible rejection if they initiate :)
 

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it could also be enlightening to the one wearing 'too darn tired today' all week long.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Ah...I don't completely agree. Yeah he wasn't getting what he needed at home and the porn filled that need for him, but come on watching porn together to let me know what he wants, my God all I've had to is ask!! And, have you forgot....his porn viewing was a BIG secret..do you really think he's going to be comfortable with me looking too? To be honest, after reading so much on the subject, and finding out how visual men are, our sex has changed, for the better. Thanks for the comment, but not for us.
 
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