Talk About Marriage banner
61 - 80 of 108 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,028 Posts
Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever heard of such a thing.

I’ve heard of men who had sexual dysfunctions that would refuse to get help or see a doctor.

I’ve heard of men that would promise to “try harder” but never actually put forth any effort.

And I’ve heard of men that would have one excuse after another and always promise that they would have sex ‘later’ after they were feeling better or had gotten some sleep or they weren’t so stressed at work etc etc etc etc that would never actually deliver.

And of course there are a few men that simply divorce and move on or that take up with another chick and move out.

But I don’t think in all my years in real life or a number of years on TAM have I ever once heard of a man under 80 years old declare the sex life over.

If they had an active sex sex life and something happened for which he has opted out of the marital sex life - either he is the world’s most childish and manipulative man on the planet,, or else whatever she did was really really really really really really really really really really bad.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,028 Posts
Why would a 40 year old woman declared intimacy over?
Oh that happens with striking regularity.

They don’t actually state the sex life to be over overtly because they know the guy would start packing that night.

They use different verbiage like ILYBNILWY or “I am no longer in the mood” or “I don’t care if I ever have sex again” etc etc etc.

They can’t come out and say it because they know they wouldn’t get any of the other benefits of marriage after that, so they water it down so that the guy thinks he might stand a chance.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,622 Posts
Oh that happens with striking regularity.

They don’t actually state the sex life to be over overtly because they know the guy would start packing that night.

They use different verbiage like ILYBNILWY or “I am no longer in the mood” or “I don’t care if I ever have sex again” etc etc etc.

They can’t come out and say it because they know they wouldn’t get any of the other benefits of marriage after that, so they water it down so that the guy thinks he might stand a chance.
Hopium is a hell of a drug
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,928 Posts
And it’s not just a bad fight or a 30 lb weight gain. What is the real reason?
You seem to have forgotten the several threads over the years made by men not attracted to their wives any more because of their weight gain? In this case, the wife has been very unpleasant to the husband and put weight on. The husband thinks they are two good reasons to cancel their sex life. Husbands can lose attraction too...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,521 Posts
You seem to have forgotten the several threads over the years made by men not attracted to their wives any more because of their weight gain? In this case, the wife has been very unpleasant to the husband and put weight on. The husband thinks they are two good reasons to cancel their sex life. Husbands can lose attraction too...
Sure and why after 6 months of no sex isn’t the advice what people give men check for cheating and divorce either way due to no sex?


I don’t know what’s going on in this posters marriage. I do know it’s odd for him to completely shut off the tap.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,928 Posts
Sure and why after 6 months of no sex isn’t the advice what people give men check for cheating and divorce either way due to no sex?


I don’t know what’s going on in this posters marriage. I do know it’s odd for him to completely shut off the tap.
Maybe he is cheating. I don't get that impression because the OP has mentioned a few reasons why he could be turned off by her behaviour. To me, putting weight on wouldn't be a reason, but constant unpleasantness, yes. But we are all different.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,028 Posts
You seem to have forgotten the several threads over the years made by men not attracted to their wives any more because of their weight gain? In this case, the wife has been very unpleasant to the husband and put weight on. The husband thinks they are two good reasons to cancel their sex life. Husbands can lose attraction too...
Of course men can lose attraction (if it's due to weight gain, it's usually in the 50+ lb catagory but thats a different topic). But they then move on to another chick they are attracted to.

They don't do is declare the sex life over and then stay.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,622 Posts
Of course men can lose attraction (if it's due to weight gain, it's usually in the 50+ lb catagory but thats a different topic). But they then move on to another chick they are attracted to.

They don't do is declare the sex life over and then stay.
What interests me is not the reason he declare the sex life over but what the reason he has for staying.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,062 Posts
I suspect OP's husband is doing a "180". OP mentioned he would begin to lean in to her, then catch himself and pull away. So he still is sexually attracted, but because of the July 4 incident he is detaching from her. Doing other things with his life. And, if he isn't cheating now he eventually will be, if he doesn't file for divorce first.

We really have no more information as OP has elected to ignore the questions. Everything is just conjecture. But, if SHE doesn't mend fences with him, she will be in the pasture alone. He is already headed for the exits. She must have REALLY insulted his manhood.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,028 Posts
I suspect OP's husband is doing a "180". OP mentioned he would begin to lean in to her, then catch himself and pull away. So he still is sexually attracted, but because of the July 4 incident he is detaching from her.
There’s probably some truth to that but questionable how much of his initial “leaning in” is intentional due to actual attraction affection for her or an autonomic response to a female initiating sexual contact.

Assuming he is still healthy and virile, his body will still respond to a healthy, fertile female rubbing up against him.

I’m not completely sure what she meant by “leaning in” exactly, but if she means if she starts physically initiating contact with him and he momentarily responds or at least does not immediately push her away,, that’s just being a male organism.

A healthy man’s body will default to responding positively to a healthy, fertile female initiating sexually oriented physical contact and it may take a few moments until his brain overrides it because he’s pi$$ed at her and disengages.

Men’s physiological default setting is to respond in a positive manner to female’s sexual advance.

Men have sex with women they hate if he is healthy and virile and she is physically healthy, fertile and attractive.

That’s why whatever happened here was really bad.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,028 Posts
They have two teenagers... maybe he is waiting another few years before he pulls the plug completely.
Yes, but a typical male may be planning to leave the marriage when the kids are grown. but he would at least still be ok with having sex even though he was planning on leaving.

Men will have sex the morning before they go to the courthouse to file for divorce.

Men will have sex while loading the moving truck to move out.

Men will have sex while separated and during divorce proceedings.

And it’s quite common for men to have sex with their ex after the divorce assuming the ex is down.

What’s out of the ordinary here is that he is the one saying no num-nums but is apparently remaining in the marriage and not leaving or kicking her out.

He either has something and/or the side or is planning his exit on the down low.

…..or he is just a manipulative ass.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,867 Posts
Hello,
Over the last 6 months my husband and I have grown apart physically. Both of us trying to bounce back and work on ourselves. The hard part is I want him SO bad, like so bad. However , he has sworn off any sort of intimacy with me. We are down to only hugs. He claims he has zero interest, however I feel him lean in to do things and then he pulls away. I’m not sure how to officially break this cycle. I attempt to initiate and he says no. We have always had a very healthy sex life. If I push , will he recluse even more? If I wait , it may never happen… and then what?
It is horrible when one person uses the lack of sex as a weapon or method to control a spouse. Your H is exhibiting a marriage ending behavior. Sit him down and tell him that using the lack of sex as a weapon is one of the most horrific things a spouse can do. Tell him that if he doesn't change the way he treats you and your marriage, it will end in divorce. Tell him you deserve far better than the way he is treating you.

If you think there is any chance of reconciliation, tell him that the two of you need to go to marriage counseling ASAP to get this resolved.

You will probably find out that he feels you have done something so horrible to him that his treatment of you is justified in his mind. When that comes out your marriage counselor is likely to tell him that he is behaving like a child and that you are not his mother, that he needs to straighten his childish behavior out by himself.

Good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,521 Posts
I'd like to point out that while yes many men are so driven by sex they'll have sex with a woman they are divorcing.....

We've had plenty of threads here where the sexless is the man. Or the lack of sex is the man. We have several women on this board that divorced their husbands due to no intimacy.

So while it is very suspicious it isn't unheard of.

He seems manipulative and possibly full of resentment. He may be having an affair or have low testosterone or being pulling the 180.

None of it's good. OP needs to figure out what she wants. Just because he hasn't filed for divorce doesn't mean she can't. If she is going to chose to stay then they both need to work on their issues and the lines of communication need to be more open and also less hostile.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,521 Posts
And OP if you really want to 'test' the waters.... Just walk around the bedroom naked tonight. Come to bed naked. Maybe even start masturbating in bed. Don't talk to him or act like he's in the room. Just do you. And if you don't have a vibrator.... GET ONE.

If he's yanking your chain he'll probably cave. Sometimes men come on here complaining their wives don't initiate and have boring sex. They are often told don't initiate wait until she does and other stupid ****. Who knows what advice he's gotten where. Or he could just be 'punishing' you for the 4th of July.

You haven't told us what the fight was about but it seems you two do not have good discussions. I never fight with my husband, like ever. It's not that I don't ever have a different opinion than him but we just talk and we listen. There's never hard feelings or raised voices or punishment after. You two need better communication skillls.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
253 Posts
You have gotten 4 pages of advice and comments, but, I have a bit of a different take on it.

It sounds like you (likely your husband as well), have no problem, especially if there is drinking involved, saying things that can not be unsaid or undone. Obviously you said something in an argument that has decimated his love for you in some way. If you said something that so utterly destroyed his trust in you, he would be feeling something akin to the emotions someone feels when they find out their spouse is cheating on them. His actions are not that of someone that is cheating. When people do that, they usually try to keep their married life operating status quo, and try to operate under the radar. Your husband has set firm limits to keep himself safe around you. He is acting like a betrayed spouse, not a cheating spouse.

Sometimes, words alone, can simply destroy someone. And it sounds like, you are hyperfocused on the bandaid, but not the cure. You came on to this forum to seek advice on getting a sexual connection back with him, but not on how to focus on what created this problem to begin with. I bet the more you push for getting the romantic connection, without addressing the things said and the major problems in the marriage (which you have equally created, not laying all the blame on you alone), the more he is going to resent you for covering up the problems.
 
61 - 80 of 108 Posts
Top