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It seems to me that the two of you need to sit down and have an open and honest discussion about the argument over 7/4. You have not mentioned if you apologized for whatever you said that was hurtful to him. Keep in mind that actions are what back up words. Sometimes people say sorry but their actions show otherwise.
 

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We are both 40, 2 kids (teenagers), married 16 years. We have been doing alot of talking and crying together. Recent life events = new job titles with more responsibilities. I’ve been really good at detective mode in the past. However that was easy when phones didn’t have pass codes and face recognition lol. I just miss him. If you have suggestions on these “detective skill” I’m all ears.
Phone bill look for numbers repeatedly dialed.
VAR in his car. Something is up, men very rarely just stop wanting sex. Honestly, I’d just divorce him. If he wants no intimacy with you—— you can find a roommate easy
 

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I was miserable after the pandemic hit. I lashed out a lot, I was rude, in return, he became rude. It’s s vicious cycle. We both started doing our own thing instead of things with each other. Then a massive argument over the 4th of July and he lost all will at intamacy after that.
Try marriage counseling. Try to work out your issues that way.
 

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I was miserable after the pandemic hit. I lashed out a lot, I was rude, in return, he became rude. It’s s vicious cycle. We both started doing our own thing instead of things with each other. Then a massive argument over the 4th of July and he lost all will at intamacy after that.
Hmmmm,
More info eh? Yeah, well you’ve got a majorly messed up marriage. Might seek a good marriage counselor which are extremely rare.
 

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I don't think it has to be anything nefarious. He is sick of her sh^t and hitting her where it hurts. Women like to do this stuff all the time as retribution. Of course, it's possible he's cheating to meet his desires or like most married men, using porn.
 

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Thank you for that! I miss both lol if that makes sense. The issue is that I want him, but he is very verbal in that he does not want to be intimate with me in any way… at least not right now. I think part of it is attraction. I gained 30 lbs after Covid, we both started drinking a lot more, he shut down and stopped caring, so I did. It was a vicious cycle. We began just going through the motions , doing our own thing until all of a sudden our sex life, marriage and connection were not s priority. But for a man to not want intimacy worries me, just looking for suggestions to break the ice. Both of us have lost weight, and are hyper focused on our health, He is being stubborn because he feels hurt by some things that were said during s really bad fight.
What was said during the really bad fight? That may be the key to why he has said this. There are certain things that when said can be so damaging that they are very hard to come back from. Maybe if you can be honest and tell us what was said we may understand the situation much better.
 

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@LittleMissHopeful what are you keeping from us?

40 year old men just simply do not declare that the marital sex life is over until they have moved in with their next woman and are waiting for the divorce to go through…. And even then, most will continue to hook up with both for as long as they can.

What is the reason he has unilaterally declared a state of Celibacy in your marriage?

And it’s not just a bad fight or a 30 lb weight gain. What is the real reason?
 

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Then regardless of the reason, if he is not willing to address it and not willing to enter into MC to try to work it out, my recommendation is file for divorce and move on.

If you’re wanting to have a sex life and he is overtly stating that component of your lives together is over, then why stay?

Why should he continue to get the other benefits of marriage if he is not willing to provide that which you want in the marriage??

Why should you be a Wife Appliance and cook and clean and help pay bills for some who outright rejects you says that the intimate part of your relationship is over.

I’m kind of surprised at the responses of the posters here. If the genders were reversed, and some gal was declaring the sex life over because she was mad at him and he had put on 30 lbs, I don’t think the advise would be to lose weight and be nicer. I think the advise would be to pack bags and file for divorce.

I don’t see the distinction in genders here.

I see the distinction in overtly stating the intimate component of the relationship being over.

He has basically declared that they will be roommates and no longer husband and wife in an intimate relationship.

If she was cool with being roommates and splitting the bills and households chores and never being intimate, that would be her perogative.

But the fact she does want an intimate life leaves her few options -

- suck it up and live with it.

- divorce and move on.

- remain married and find an intimate partner on the side.

My suggestion is file for divorce, pack bags and wish him well in his life of celibacy.

If he wants to remain in partnership, then offer MC and actually address the issues.

Otherwise “Buh Bye.”
 

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@LittleMissHopeful what are you keeping from us?

40 year old men just simply do not declare that the marital sex life is over until they have moved in with their next woman and are waiting for the divorce to go through…. And even then, most will continue to hook up with both for as long as they can.

What is the reason he has unilaterally declared a state of Celibacy in your marriage?

And it’s not just a bad fight or a 30 lb weight gain. What is the real reason?
It may well be something said that was very hurtful. Words can wound deeply.
 

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It may well be something said that was very hurtful. Words can wound deeply.
Yeah, that’s why there has to be more to this than a fight and some weight gain over lockdown.

What was said and how much of a personal attack was it?

Men do have feelings and their feelings can be hurt.

But 40 year men do not declare a sex life over unless they are moving in with their next chick.
 

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Yeah, that’s why there has to be more to this than a fight and some weight gain over lockdown.

What was said and how much of a personal attack was it?

Men do have feelings and their feelings can be hurt.

But 40 year men do not declare a sex life over unless they are moving in with their next chick.
What about 40 year old women?
 

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Has anyone noticed that when questions get asked to clarify a OP's statement, where the answer might paint the OP in less favorable light, its "Crickets"? I believe many times the OP is seeking validation and can't admit that they have contributed to the problem they ask about.
Yes, there is more going on here than an argument and lockdown weight gain.

For an otherwise reasonably healthy male to outright tell his wife that their sex life is over is extreme.

For a normal guy to do that, it would have to be something like shooting his dog or beating up his grandmother or something.

Most men are even cool with hooking up with their wives during divorce proceedings or even hooking up after divorce.

But for a 40 year to state they will no longer be having a sex life is almost unprecedented.
 
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