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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello,
Over the last 6 months my husband and I have grown apart physically. Both of us trying to bounce back and work on ourselves. The hard part is I want him SO bad, like so bad. However , he has sworn off any sort of intimacy with me. We are down to only hugs. He claims he has zero interest, however I feel him lean in to do things and then he pulls away. I’m not sure how to officially break this cycle. I attempt to initiate and he says no. We have always had a very healthy sex life. If I push , will he recluse even more? If I wait , it may never happen… and then what?
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
You have to go into the detective mode. There's more to the story. How old are you and he? How long have you been married? Kids? Recent life events?
We are both 40, 2 kids (teenagers), married 16 years. We have been doing alot of talking and crying together. Recent life events = new job titles with more responsibilities. I’ve been really good at detective mode in the past. However that was easy when phones didn’t have pass codes and face recognition lol. I just miss him. If you have suggestions on these “detective skill” I’m all ears.
 

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We are both 40, 2 kids (teenagers), married 16 years. We have been doing alot of talking and crying together. Recent life events = new job titles with more responsibilities. I’ve been really good at detective mode in the past. However that was easy when phones didn’t have pass codes and face recognition lol. I just miss him. If you have suggestions on these “detective skill” I’m all ears.
Others will come along and give you some really great suggestions. Since you're new here, be forewarned that some responses you will receive may be critical or hard to read. Please stick with us through thick and thin. The advice of most people here who have been through what you're experiencing is better than you can buy.

On the emotional side, do you miss who he used to be or do you miss who he is now? I'll go first. It's critical to find out whether there is another person in his life.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Others will come along and give you some really great suggestions. Since you're new here, be forewarned that some responses you will receive may be critical or hard to read. Please stick with us through thick and thin. The advice of most people here who have been through what you're experiencing is better than you can buy.

On the emotional side, do you miss who he used to be or do you miss who he is now? I'll go first. It's critical to find out whether there is another person in his life.
Thank you for that! I miss both lol if that makes sense. The issue is that I want him, but he is very verbal in that he does not want to be intimate with me in any way… at least not right now. I think part of it is attraction. I gained 30 lbs after Covid, we both started drinking a lot more, he shut down and stopped caring, so I did. It was a vicious cycle. We began just going through the motions , doing our own thing until all of a sudden our sex life, marriage and connection were not s priority. But for a man to not want intimacy worries me, just looking for suggestions to break the ice. Both of us have lost weight, and are hyper focused on our health, He is being stubborn because he feels hurt by some things that were said during s really bad fight.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Intimacy just doesn't stop for no reason. There has to be a reason or event that lead to it stopping.
I was miserable after the pandemic hit. I lashed out a lot, I was rude, in return, he became rude. It’s s vicious cycle. We both started doing our own thing instead of things with each other. Then a massive argument over the 4th of July and he lost all will at intamacy after that.
 

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Thank you for that! I miss both lol if that makes sense. The issue is that I want him, but he is very verbal in that he does not want to be intimate with me in any way… at least not right now. I think part of it is attraction. I gained 30 lbs after Covid, we both started drinking a lot more, he shut down and stopped caring, so I did. It was a vicious cycle. We began just going through the motions , doing our own thing until all of a sudden our sex life, marriage and connection were not s priority. But for a man to not want intimacy worries me, just looking for suggestions to break the ice. Both of us have lost weight, and are hyper focused on our health, He is being stubborn because he feels hurt by some things that were said during s really bad fight.
It's possible he's doing a 180 on you. If so, there are other problems (not necessarily related to infidelity) that need to be identified.
 

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I was miserable after the pandemic hit. I lashed out a lot, I was rude, in return, he became rude. It’s s vicious cycle. We both started doing our own thing instead of things with each other. Then a massive argument over the 4th of July and he lost all will at intamacy after that.
So drifting apart, disconnect and maybe a little pride and resentment
 
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Then you have to break the vicious cycle. Start taking better care of yourself -- less drinking, more exercise, shed some of those extra pounds but most importantly be nicer to him. Stop lashing out & be loving. Praise him. Make his favorite food. Be kind. When you make him feel loved again he will come back.

It's no excuse but if you keep on as you are he will stray if he hasn't already.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Yeah? What came out in the talking? What did you learn?
That he was hurt by me and the way we were fighting. That it’s hard for him to love someone who doesn’t love themselves. We have been through so much and always came out strong. This time is different becuse he is the one hurting and he just has no will or interest (so he says)
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Then you have to break the vicious cycle. Start taking better care of yourself -- less drinking, more exercise, shed some of those extra pounds but most importantly be nicer to him. Stop lashing out & be loving. Praise him. Make his favorite food. Be kind. When you make him feel loved again he will come back.

It's no excuse but if you keep on as you are he will stray if he hasn't already.
Thank you!!! I am trying to do all of those things for sure, it’s just like… I’m a very sexual being so how long do I sit around and wait for him to come around lol. I love the advice and you are right… that’s what I keep telling myself. I don’t think there is a question of infidelity.. yet but yes need to just keep doing what I’m doing and he’ll come around or he won’t.
 
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